blackwidow290 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) I've been with my current partner for 7 months. On our second date, I told him a lie, even though I had thought about the topic beforehand and had decided that it would be better to limit the information shared/avoid the topic until I felt more comfortable. The lie just came out of me and in that moment I almost laughed cos I knew that I was sabotaging myself in the long term. It felt like a joke that I'd do that. I'm turning 23 this year and he's 29. I've had a few setbacks in life, being not fully dedicated to univesity in the first years, feeling confused, and also working too much instead of focusing to finish. I have given it a lot of thought and everything in the past has led me to the mindset I am at presently. I have to share some other information, which I dont intend as an excuse in any way, I just want to show that the past few years have been very difficult emotionally. My sibling has been diagnosed with a debilitating mental illness and life at home has been very chaotic with all dynamics shifting, seeing someone transform and losing the old them in a way. I think that the entire experience has made me more open-minded and more understanding, accepting towards people. My parents have been in a lot of pain and have tended to sort of idealize me by comparison and Im accustomed to not sharing the bad as they already have to deal with a hopeless situation. It was difficult to tell them that I wasnt going to graduate on time. During this year Ive voiced my vulnerabilities to them and they have uderstood that I need to be given the time I need to achieve my goals without a sense of running out of time or them having another dysfunctional daughter. When I met my current boyfriend, it was the hardest time emotionally and the lie that slipped out was that I have just another year in school, when in fact the time was two. I didn't understand how deep rooted the foundations of this lie are for me, the inadequacy and pain that I have felt. Initially, I concluded that the lie was inconsequential and just showed that the relationship was not serious to me after all. A few months in the relationship, I find out that something that he told me in the beginning was a lie. He said that his parents live in another city, when in fact he lives with them.. and he said that he views it as his inadequacy and failure in having moved back in with them. It was sort of funny in a very sad way.. cos I felt that hey, we both deserve each other. I have ended the relationship abruptly on three occassions and only to return a week later. He is not the dramatic type.. and I like to think that Im not either..but I think I just have felt that we're a lie. He has come clean a long time ago whereas my initial lie still stands.. He's been honest, dedicated, and supportive.. all I can ask for. I care for him deeply but I often question how ready I am for a relationship if I am not honest about such a basic thing.. I dont know what his expectations are, how he plans his future based on his assumption that I'll have more time to spend with him, an income, settle down.. This lie is two sided. My parents wouldnt approve of someone who didnt go to college or perhaps they would be disappointed in my choice. I have told them that I met him at school. oh the lies. This side makes me feel bad but its not as concerning, I have needed his support and love ..without having to justify myself. I just get such a bad feeling in my gut about all this. He has said that he will support me no matter what and I have indirectly dropped hints.. I just get a bad feeling of lies wrapped in lies. 7 months and I dont know if Im making a good choice in him. I feel that our relationship is positive in how we care, have fun together, and share .. nearly everything. Ah. Also, a month ago I cheated on him with an ex boyfriend. He hadnt prepared anything for valentines and when I asked him he said because hes aware that I had tried to leave on three occassions and he woudnt want to spend a lot of money..just to be broken up with afterwards. It made me angry, he had a gift after but I refused to see him. No excuses, but I told him as I felt horrible .. and he forgave me saying that he thinks of the long term instead. We have been stable now.. but deep inside, I am torn between lies, indecision. Should I leave, deal with that pain, learn a lesson to be honest, spend time alone to do some soul searching and start over? I would always miss him, hes such a good person..but I have been gutless. Edited April 4, 2011 by blackwidow290
Pfiend101 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Break up with him. If your willing to cheat with him with another guy you dont really want to be with him. He also has no balls to take back a cheater. Just being blunt. Live and learn. Dont do it again. Finding out my girlfriend cheated on me would and has destroyed self esteem.
Author blackwidow290 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Yeah, it did kill him..but I opened up and he has been willing to give me a second chance in regards to that. Just the idea of breaking up with him and letting another woman have him ..not having his love.. I cant handle that.
Dust Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You seem very confused. He came clean about the parents lie because it’s a hard one to keep. It’s easy at this point to make him think you are graduating soon, but when you don’t graduate the lie will be harder to maintain. The cheating you did is much more serious and the fact that you point to a bad valentines day as the reason isn’t logically. I wouldn’t cheat on some one no matter how horrible they were, I would hope I would just dump them if it was that bad. You came clean on the cheating if I understood that correctly, probably because you wanted to get back at him for making you feel cheap on Vday. The reason you don’t come clean on the graduation thing is because you seem to make silly lies that make you feel better about yourself. You know what you should be doing so do it already. Be honest not for any one but yourself.
Author blackwidow290 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Yeah, its deeply selfish. You are right on that. However, the reason why I told him about the cheating is another. I decided to end it, feeling horrible, and not tell him to spare his feelings. He didnt make it easy going on about how much we love each other.. I wouldnt have made sense otherwise, it was hard to tell him, but I did.. and it killed me even more. Also, I have been dropping hints for a long time about school, that initial lie is hard to go back on.. its made the entire relationship rocky as Ive been feeling guilty and like Im hiding something - which I am
heartshaped Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 If your relationship has any chance you have to be honest with him. You can't build a relationship on lies, but relationships can be rebuilt from the brink of destruction. Be honest with your parents as well about his situation [not being in school]. Most importantly, be honest with yourself, do you really think you are in a position for a serious relationship? It sounds like you have been having a rough time of things lately and that is effecting your relationship.
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