Lilmisus Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Recently, I've been meeting a few different guys who work different (or no) jobs. One, was a pretty cute guy who I used to go to school with apparently, but he works at Walmart and was interested in working at my job as a bus boy or a host, and dropped out of college. Another, was someone who I met who apparently works at Wendy's, and is not in school though "It's hopefully in the future..just have to work now." One guy (the most promising) works with snakes and loves it, and I absolutely loathe snakes with a passion. Not sure about schooling though. And most of them..just don't work at all, and have no plans of going to school. Each of these guys had some good traits to them, but I didn't want to get involved with any of them because of their jobs (or lack thereof). Although we are in a recession right now, and to have any job is definitely a blessing to people, their jobs just made it a deal breaker for me as to not wanting to date them. The first two and the last one, though decent guys, just aren't ambitious enough to me in the least. After my ex pointed it out to me how important a career and future plans are, just made me realize now that I want someone who has their life on track, who wants to get an education, and who is planning on having a career within the next couple of years. To see that neither of them were in college - and weren't planning on it - and were perfectly fine working minimum wage or close to, just was a major turn off for me. The third guy though, who I knew would treat me well if I decided to go out with him, and who had a great personality, I just didn't feel I could date because what he loves is the same as what I hate. With having an incredible passion for photography, I would hate to date someone who hated the mere sight of a camera and who would duck and cover every time I brought it out. To know that he has a huge passion for snakes (and they give him his living, so he's always around them and loves talking about them) felt like I would be cheating him out of what he would deserve, even though he didn't think it was a deal breaker to him. I'm just wondering, would you date someone who had a less than ideal job or future goals in life than you? Would you date someone who hated what you love (i.e. you're a scientist and the mere thought of science bores them to death and they tell you "no more!" when talking about it; or you're a vet and they hate dogs; or you're a personal trainer and they don't care about fitness and tell you to shut up about eating right, etc). Or am I just being silly here?
sniffys Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 yep i would..if i really really liked him..i dont care what he does for a living, not unless hes a terrorist or something illegal.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Anything sex-industry type or tobacco company is out of the question for me. yechhh. I am sure that there are a few more that make the list.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Back in the day (single days) I was freelance gynecologist and never had trouble getting dates To me nobody was off the table except maybe the sexual entertainer industry.
Disillusioned Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I wouldn't want to date anyone who's a musician or in the film industry. IME those people have vampire-like schedules.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Anything sex-industry type or tobacco company is out of the question for me. yechhh. I am sure that there are a few more that make the list. What about drug dealer ? Though, all of the ones I mentioned above are major turn offs, it's the absolute number one deal breaker for me, for obvious reasons, and for personal reasons as well.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What about drug dealer ? Though, all of the ones I mentioned above are major turn offs, it's the absolute number one deal breaker for me, for obvious reasons, and for personal reasons as well. Would he share his stash? Just kidding, no. No drug dealers, gun runners, assassins etc. and actually no bouncers either. I just wouldn't trust it. And no gynecologists. Talk about pressure!
zengirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Yes, if he has a subpar job and no plans to improve it (i.e. if he works an hourly job while going to grad school, I may consider, as I've had to do that, but if he is content to work retail all his life, he's not the guy for me), that'd be a no-go. Money doesn't matter THAT much, though I wouldn't date a man who made less than a basic starter professional salary (less than say 25Kish ---except in the case of maybe a grad stuent----I've dated guys who worked for nonprofits who made about that). I won't date a guy without a college degree (Bachelors or higher), so the money/job thing hasn't really been an issue, as the college degree eliminates them pretty naturally, along with other life values. In terms of professional careers, I probably wouldn't some for time/logistical reasons, such as date a medical resident (tried it, they work 80+ hours a week, they don't have the time to build relationships) but only because of situational things, like not enough time. I wouldn't date someone in any branch of the military. This is mostly situational. Their life is not their own. Wouldn't date anyone in politics who had high-level aspirations. Couldn't deal with the logistics. I wouldn't date anyone who did something I considered immoral or unethical . . . . but I'd have to judge that as a case-by-case basis; can't think of too many professional trades where it fits. I prefer not to date anyone who owns their own business. It's not a hard and fast rule; just something I've noticed in terms of financial goals/compatibility. I'm not a financial risk-taker and don't want my family to be one, nor do I love an overly entreprenurial spirit. But it's mostly a values clashing thing. This is something I learned in a previous relationship. I feel an unsuccessful business is stressful and a successful one can lead to overly valuing materialism/success/material things---i.e. Wanting more/more/more. However, if our values happened to align, I'd re-assess this. Really, I use profession as a good initial assessment of compatibility, both for friends and lovers, and that hasn't really steered me wrong. But I don't have to have particular interest in their field, nor they in mine---we just have to both be educated professionals who have similar values, schedules, and life logistics. What about drug dealer ? Though, all of the ones I mentioned above are major turn offs, it's the absolute number one deal breaker for me, for obvious reasons, and for personal reasons as well. I don't consider "drug-dealing" a job. Or any kind of illegal activity. Those are definite no-gos.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Would he share his stash? Just kidding, no. No drug dealers, gun runners, assassins etc. and actually no bouncers either. I just wouldn't trust it. And no gynecologists. Talk about pressure! I find it funny that you say no bouncers, why wouldn't you trust it? My father was one for a while when he was in his twenties, and apparently did a great job at it. Do you think it shows bad things to come? I know he can't be the example for all, but he ended up going to own his own restaurant a few years later, became a very well loved politician after that (odd, I know, but he managed), got his doctorates, and currently works for a university, while doing real estate, and working in DC for the government three days a week. He's a very ambitious man, who started out as a bouncer. But like I said, he can't be an example for all, I just found it funny that you said it And, no, no sharing the stash. You don't want to lose profit by using the goods.
tigressA Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I don't consider "drug-dealing" a job. Or any kind of illegal activity. Those are definite no-gos. Same here. No doctors, porn/sex industry workers, cops, firemen, or soldiers. Or any job that requires frequent travel. Other than those, I really and truly couldn't care less.
kalikula Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I totally get where you're coming from (Minus the snake thing maybe...) Personally I am almost done with college and even though I have a liberal arts degree, I really am ambitious and interested in getting a good career and having a successful life and accomplishments. In the past I have dated a couple guys who lacked direction, a good job or even a desire for those things. I now feel like it is really a huge incompatibility for me. I just don't really understand people who don't want to be successful and find their passion in life. I suppose I am pretty hardworking so I want someone who is too, you know? It's just a major turnoff to date someone who is satisfied with a ****ty job. I also dislike having more money than my partner. With my ex he would expect me to pay for him often and that was just, in hindsight, really unacceptable in my opinion. I prefer a more traditional relationship.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 The woman I would date would have to be career oriented, and at least be a college student if she's not working. I am a college student, and that is the reason I don't work. If she was unemployed and lazy, see ya! Also, anything regarding a stereotype or some sleazy organization, yeah I wouldn't date her.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) It makes sense as a woman you don't want to date them. Men are attracted to the physical while women are attracted to status. That he works, what he does, how much money he makes, and his level of education are all factors in a person's status though level of education less so than the others. Since I'm not a woman I don't care. Still I would avoid a woman who makes more money because I know on her end it wouldn't really work out. Edit: Also I wouldn't try to date a woman I worked with. All of the sexual harassment and other policies are made to target men and deprive them of their employment. Dating at work would just be playing with fire over something unlikely to last. Edited April 4, 2011 by BeginAgain
heartshaped Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm not so much concerned with career or job status, but rather ambition. Everyone starts somewhere, and if I were a little further along in life (my 30's or so) my answer would be different. As is, I'm in my early twenties so naturally the men I meet are either in grad school or starting out at some entry level job or trying to save up to go to school, etc. I wouldn't particularly want to date someone who had a very demanding, time consuming job or a job where their life was in danger on a daily basis (cop, fireman, etc), but I wouldn't necessarily break things off with someone if they were in those fields. No job, no school, and no ambition/future plans would automatically rule a guy out though.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 No offense to anyone but no pole dancers please. No strippers or escorts or w/e in the sex trade. No police or corrections officers. Most everything else, OK.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Perhaps the more important questions are, how old are you and these guys and how important are education and drive to you? It doesn't really matter what we would do. Are you feeling a bit guilty about rejecting these guys? I wouldn't. Better to understand what you want in life and pre-reject them, than try to be understanding and open-minded, only to reject them later.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Perhaps the more important questions are, how old are you and these guys and how important are education and drive to you? It doesn't really matter what we would do. Are you feeling a bit guilty about rejecting these guys? I wouldn't. Better to understand what you want in life and pre-reject them, than try to be understanding and open-minded, only to reject them later. I'm 20 years old, and no I don't really feel guilty. I think that I wanted to say "no" to them before finding out their job or education, but they just handed me a solid reason to say no to them without me coming up with some weird excuse. I didn't think that education and drive were important to me before I dated my ex. He dropped out of high school, was fine working little jobs that had no real future, and talk of going back to school was just that..talk. But when he broke up with me and told me that we were on different paths and that I have my life together and have a bright future ahead of me, and he didn't and needed to it was just an eye opener for me. He said that he didn't want me to come home everyday from my career to him, a stay at home husband, on the couch, watching t.v. and drinking a beer, and regretting my decision. It made me realize just how important it is to find someone who is ambitious, and who I can rely on to have their stuff together. I don't want to have someone break up (or me have to break up with someone) over that reason again.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm 20 years old, and no I don't really feel guilty. I think that I wanted to say "no" to them before finding out their job or education, but they just handed me a solid reason to say no to them without me coming up with some weird excuse. I didn't think that education and drive were important to me before I dated my ex. He dropped out of high school, was fine working little jobs that had no real future, and talk of going back to school was just that..talk. But when he broke up with me and told me that we were on different paths and that I have my life together and have a bright future ahead of me, and he didn't and needed to it was just an eye opener for me. He said that he didn't want me to come home everyday from my career to him, a stay at home husband, on the couch, watching t.v. and drinking a beer, and regretting my decision. It made me realize just how important it is to find someone who is ambitious, and who I can rely on to have their stuff together. I don't want to have someone break up (or me have to break up with someone) over that reason again.Understood. Bear in mind that not all guys define themselves by their careers but many do and some will have difficulty with a woman who's more driven than they are, similar to your ex.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm 20 years old, and no I don't really feel guilty. I think that I wanted to say "no" to them before finding out their job or education, but they just handed me a solid reason to say no to them without me coming up with some weird excuse. I didn't think that education and drive were important to me before I dated my ex. He dropped out of high school, was fine working little jobs that had no real future, and talk of going back to school was just that..talk. But when he broke up with me and told me that we were on different paths and that I have my life together and have a bright future ahead of me, and he didn't and needed to it was just an eye opener for me. He said that he didn't want me to come home everyday from my career to him, a stay at home husband, on the couch, watching t.v. and drinking a beer, and regretting my decision. It made me realize just how important it is to find someone who is ambitious, and who I can rely on to have their stuff together. I don't want to have someone break up (or me have to break up with someone) over that reason again. Wow you really did a number on that guy's self-confidence. Maybe you should slow down with all of this ambition centric thinking. If you keep going like this you'll get the guy with the 80 hour work week who has no time for you. Maybe you should just breathe, live, and date for the fun of being with another you like. You're acting like a power dater and you haven't even been in your first board meeting yet.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I have found that whoever I date needs to be as ambitious as I am. Otherwise it will not work out. We will just be out of sync. They also need to be creatively and/or intellectually as able as I am. I literally balance the universe on a sheet of paper...they need to be able to say something about themself that's just as impressive or it will not work out. Insecurities and resentments will eventually destroy the relationship. I have no problem with dating a cleaning lady who wants no other job for the rest of her days...I just know from experience that such a person will resent me eventually. They don't need to be in grad school or be at any particular stage in their career... they just need to have the ambition to build such a career for themselves. I also need that person to have some balance in their life. Someone who's all about their career is not going to be a good mate. I am not all about my career all the time they shouldn't be either.
sally4sara Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I would have not dated someone for their job, but not because of how much or how little money they made. No cops of any kind. No porn stars. No one affiliated heavily into any religion or the republican party. No military.
EasyHeart Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 This is a fascinating thread!!! I knew women had lots of rules, but I didn't realize the job-expectations were so detailed. Good to know. And I'm really glad no one's mentioned my job yet. . . .
orangelady Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm just wondering, would you date someone who had a less than ideal job or future goals in life than you? Would you date someone who hated what you love (i.e. you're a scientist and the mere thought of science bores them to death and they tell you "no more!" when talking about it; or you're a vet and they hate dogs; or you're a personal trainer and they don't care about fitness and tell you to shut up about eating right, etc). Or am I just being silly here? I think not working at all would be a problem unless its just temporary and he's making efforts to find a job. How far can a relationship go if one does not work? Seriously? Also, I think if you are feeling this way and you're posting about this, then it is important to you. I think you may do fine with them if you are looking for short term relationships but as far as a long term relationship is concerned, you'd definitely want someone who would like to better themselves (not to be super rich) but to at least be able to work something they actually like than just wanting to 'get by' with Walmart or McDonalds....
Intricategirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I have dated a guy that used to be a drug dealer. That was long ago past, and I wouldn't date someone who currently made money that way. So this next statement is going to be really weird, considering I've already dated a drug dealer... No railroaders. I've dated one in the past, and the hours are ridiculous. It was something like 12 hours on/8 off, there's no such thing as weekends or nights. You get the call and you go. And that's the other part... Even though he had been doing it long enough that he had a feel for when he'd be called up, he could get the call any time, and he'd have to be ready to go in 2 hours. Yeah, they could "lay off" so if you found yourself more than 2 hours from home or drunk, you didn't have to go in, but all in all, the schedule was crap. Despite him knowing roughly when he'd be called up in advance, one date was canceled because he was called in. For two months, we played with trying to figure out a day that would work best for both of us. It was primarily coffee dates because evenings were difficult (partially my fault too). And they sleep away from home half the time. I can't see doing it again. I get why so many of them are divorced. (And yes, I'm sure he wasn't married and keeping someone else in a different city. It's just a tough career.)
Author Lilmisus Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Wow you really did a number on that guy's self-confidence. Maybe you should slow down with all of this ambition centric thinking. If you keep going like this you'll get the guy with the 80 hour work week who has no time for you. Maybe you should just breathe, live, and date for the fun of being with another you like. You're acting like a power dater and you haven't even been in your first board meeting yet. Haha, I had no problem with things though, and I didn't even realize that he did until after he broke up with me. Apparently, every time I went to class he would feel like that's where he belonged and start wondering why he wasn't there or doing something with his life. According to him, having a girlfriend (not me specifically) left him less ambitious than he needed to be. I wanted (and still do) to be with him as he got his life together, and I was perfectly willing to help him get his life on the track he wanted. But, like I said, I don't want anyone to breakup with me over this reason again, it made me feel too put together and like he thought I was too good for him or something, which I never thought before at all, and honestly made me feel like s***.
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