drmaerdepip Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 *Deep breath* Where do I even begin? I guess I'll go back a few years. I married the love of my life, my best friend, soul mate...etc. ten years ago. We have an 8 year old and a 10 mo old, as well as his five children (all over 18 now except for one) and my now 20 yr old. Only the two youngest live in the home with us. In the beginning, he seemed a little enmeshed in his ex-wife's life and still resentful of the divorce and wanted to regain custody of his kids. I was completely in his corner, thought she was a monster and he was a victim of her monstrocities. I supported him in wanting to get his kids back as he said they were abused. Little did I know, that ten years later, we would be financially bankrupt because he refuses to stop litigation. Every extra dime of both of our money has gone to pay attorney fees. The kids have major behaivoral issues, including drug abuse, anger issues, sociopathic, suicidal, homicidal, you name it. They have both parents wrapped around their fingers and when they get mad at one parent, they call the other one and tell lies about them and get them to take them in (at $5,000 retainer a pop plus fees). Again and again we have opened our home until my youngest daughter was sexually abused (keep in mind this is his daughter, too) by one of the kids, the other one stole my family heirlooms for drug money, assaulted me, verbally abused me, etc. and the other one wrote stories about how he wanted to hack me and my daughter up with a chain saw. About this time, my husband left for a deployment to Afghanistan. I ended up having to have two of the kids admitted to the psych hospital because they were homicidal and suicidal. In the meantime, their mom filed for custody again because she didn't believe that they needed treatment. So...anyway....I was in fear for my life and the life of my child (baby wasn't born yet) and felt abandoned by my husband since he was deployed he said he "didn't see any of it happen" so therefore I must have exaggerated. That's why four doctors from two facilities admitted them and then sent them on to long-term care, right? So...by this time the other son is in jail, busted for drugs and my husband comes home on leave. I end up pregnant while he is home. Instead of his supporting me and having us be a united front for our (I considered the kids all mine, too, don't treat kids differently since I grew up in a step-parent family and always felt alone and it hurt)kids, he started to treat me with increasing amounts of anger and resentment. He refused to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, and basically did a complete 180 degree turn from the man that I had known for five years. On top of this, I kept finding out things that he was lying about. He took out thousands (and I mean THOUSANDS) of dollars of loans without talking to me about it to pay for more attorney fees AFTER the kids went to court and lied to the Judge that it was their DAD not their Mom that had been abusive to them. This is after telling us all of these horror stories about their Mom which is why we kept fighting for custody in the first place.He of course let it slide, and they are not held accountable. Doesn't even seem to phase him that we just got in 30,000 dollars in debt thanks to those lies. Then it starts all over again once they go back there and want to come back to us. Now there is just one in her home, but he is already wanting to come back. I say no way...so he is spitting mad at me right now. There just has to be an end to this insanity in my opinion. This is after getting three of them repeated trips to drug rehab and psych wards. Nothing helps. I hope this isn't too confusing. Anyway. I finally put my foot down and said no more. I can't do the custody thing anymore, because they get here for a month or so and then want to go back to their mom and start telling lies about us, we end up in court, etc. We were losing our home, everything, because of the bills piling up. I also found out that in order to get custody the last time, he signed off on something that said that he would pay 100% of all of their medical and psych bills (um...that was close to 300,000 dollars). I was in shock, to say the least. Ok, I understand having love for your children. I understand wanting the best for your kids - but what if your kids are compulsive liars, beat your wife, sexually abuse your daughter, lie to your face (and call you horrible names), tell authorities that you hit them when you don't, etc. I do not for the life of me understand what it is that has my husband wrapped around these kids' fingers. He will do ANYTHING and I mean that - even if it means it is going to ruin us just so that he can 'Win' against his ex-wife. If they want to be with him and not her (even temporarily) then he will completely forget that we exist and do whatever it takes - at the expense of our children, our marriage, etc. to make them happy in the moment and piss off his ex. This has been going on for the last ten years. As of today, only one son is under the age of 18 (he's 16) and you would think that it would be getting better. It is not. The kids are not self-sufficient, they are not heading off to college, they are still living with their mom and wanting to come back to live with us when she pisses them off, they bounce around from family member to family member until they get kicked out (the last incident was when one stole meds and got put into jail),they can't hold jobs, they are in and out of jail, it just doesn't seem to end. My husband is livid at me for wanting to protect my daughter. He will go behind my back and have her with him and then 'accidently' run into them so she is subjected to being with the person that abused her. Because it was taken care of when he was a juvenile, there is nothing to keep him from her as an adult and he seems to be behaving himself (which my husband uses against me to tell me what an unforgiving person I am since I will never trust him ever around her). Because my daughter is such a loving person she has also said he is her brother, so she wants to forgive. She's only 8. Not likely to know what she is saying, and I am pissed as hell that my husband will not protect me, or her. There is nothing legally that can be done (as far as criminal,etc. since that has already been done and he got inpatient therapy). So basically, my husband uses it against me that I have an issue with the kids after all that has happened and that I do not feel safe. I also don't feel safe because he lies to me and I cannot trust that he will do as he says he is going to do. Basically he will tell me what I want to hear to my face, then do whatever he wants the next day. Then, when I am hurt he will act like we never had the conversation and call me insane. When I get upset, he will sit there with folded arms and a super calm voice and tell me that I need help. It is maddening and I have to seriously control myself from flipping out on him. If any of you have ever heard of gaslighting, that is what he does. He can look me right in the eyes and tell me he is never mean, never lies, never this or that (even if he just barely did it). The other issue is that he came back from Afghanistan completely different. I know that is to be expected and I did lots of homework on PTSD and read everything I could get my hands on. I buried all of my feelings and just supported and loved him for the last year. He refuses to get help, he refuses to see that he has any issues at all. He will not say he is sorry or be accountable for his behaivor. If he does admit something, it is because I made him do it. He tells me that he feels nothing - that he is numb - and yet he shows all kinds of emotions to his kids (not to ours together, though), he tears up whenever there is a military show on, he's kind and loving to our neighbors and friends...but to me he is cold as ice. He ignores me, he's passive aggressive, he's more and more secretive and now has changed all of his passwords on emails, etc. when before we knew each others everything and everything was together. He's also become friends with a single female soldier and lied to me that he was getting rides to (work, or so he said...but wasn't there when I called). He told me she was married and her husband was deployed. I found out she was single and divorced. The calls on the cell phone have stopped but he is so secretive about his messages and everything else, who knows. I suspect something may have happened ethier on the deployment (since he went from being in love with me to being seriously heartless with no obvious trigger - critical, cold, etc. this was before we had the blowup with the kids needing to go into treatment). He is so religious it would be hard for me to swallow that he was having an affair, but you never know - sometimes the real religious, outspoken moral police are the ones that are doing the most lol). I don't have any definitive evidence of that, so I don't know. Another problem is that I cannot resolve even the simplest issue. I mean that. We cannot talk about anything. From what I have known about relationships, if you or they have an issue, you should be able to bring it up,talk it out, meet in the middle, so that both parties can be happy. That's not how it works here. If he even talks to me at all, he just tells me whatever he thinks I want to hear, and like I said earlier, then he tells me the next day we never had that conversation. Today he is ignoring me completely. Won't answer me when I speak to him, etc. This is after going out last night with his kids and a friend of mine (who was not a friend of his...that's another issue - he will make sure to befriend anyone that I know that he feels might be a threat - then fill their head full of crap about me so they disappear. Keeps me from having friends for long). Everyone thinks he is the sweetest guy...he helps people move, coaches baseball, goes to church,etc. I can't do the 'fake' thing - so when he is acting all nice to me in public, I can't do it. So I am the bad guy. He's even got my and his family convinced that I am having some kind of issue. I feel like I am going crazy and am so depressed. I have no money of my own and when I was in school he would pick fights with me while I was studying for tests, make sure not to bring the car home on time when I needed to leave for class, etc. just totally make sure to sabotage as much as possible. My 20 year old moved out because he couldn't handle it anymore. My daughter asks me why Daddy can't deploy again. The same thing happened when I was working. Any relationships I have he gets involved so that it is impossible to maintain. I have become isolated and alone. I told him that I wanted to end our marriage this week because I cannot take this anymore. It is not what I signed up for. We do not have an equal partnership, we do not even have a friendship. To others he says he is so in love with me and I am his best friend. He's not asked how I'm doing in forever - we are not friends. It is all a front. I have been studying late at night to get back my medical license which I let expire (it's sickening to me when I look back and see how slowly and methodically I wound up in this isolated, controlled, and dependent situation...I didn't realize until too late that this is just where he wants me to be - and I blame myself for it.) The problem is that he is already getting nasty with our kids and I am so terrified that he is going to do the same thing he did to his ex with our children. Those poor kids are so messed up as a result of their parent's (still ongoing) fighting. He will not take ownership for his behaivor. Not even stupid stuff. We don't have the money for me to just leave and file for divorce. I don't even know how I'm going to get away. My family and I are not close and they will not help me and I've not been in touch with any friends in years. When I did leave a few weeks ago with the kids because we were in a huge fight, he called and threatened that he was going to call the cops on me because I 'kidnapped' the kids. I only left because he was screaming at me in front of them and it was terrifying. Oh...btw, he is a police officer so that makes it lots of fun since all his buddies on the force are our neighbors and he's already poisoned them to think I'm just a crazy bitch. ALSO - he seems to know when my breaking point is,and when I am ready to bolt he will turn on the charm and be so sweet and loving - rub my feet, bring me breakfast in bed, be so good to the kids, etc. and it messes with your head. I know in my heart that it will not last but in the moment I keep letting my guard down and believe him.I fall in love with him again, and as soon as he "has" me then it all starts over. I think it's called "the cycle of abuse" or something. He is a master at this and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This is what I am doing this week: 1. Taking my exam so I can get a job 2. Joining the gym so that I can get the baby weight off. I'm not overweight by any means, but I think it will help to feel better about myself 3. Making an apt. for IC 4. Trying to secretly put things up for sale on Ebay that he won't notice (things of mine that were mine before I met him) so that I can try to get a little nest egg going. 5. I called an attorney yesterday but they said I need $1,000 to start this. 6. Opening a storage unit and moving things that won't be missed (again, premarital property - I am fair and honest and I am not out to screw him, just want to be safe) 7. See what I need to do to get back into school I still love him but I feel so hurt and in shock,really. He is getting so blatant with what he does - I can have a talk with him the night before about something (and it can be really emotional) and the very next day he seems to go out of his way to do whatever it is again. It seems he wants this marriage to be over, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Oh, and anytime we have any argument he plays the big time victim and that is my biggest pet peeve. That and the fact that he won't tell me the truth. He is also super religious and so uses this patriarical bull**** on me (he's the head of the home crap). He hasn't hit me, but he might as well have. The emotional and verbal stuff is crazy-making. I also think he is obsessed about his ex-wife as we cannot go one day without him spending a good portion of it talking about her, her bf, her job, the kids and her and the legal stuff, as well as just taking off whenever to hang out with the kids but then lie to me about it. I have to note that I have never stood between him and his kids - I've always supported him just after all that has happened I have wanted myself and my daughter to be protected. That doesn't mean he can't go hang out with his kids whenever, but if they come over and steal from me, or do drugs in my house, or mess with my daughter then no, they aren't going to be welcome here.I have offered to be out of the house so he could still have them here if I am uncomfortable. I have also been ok with seeing them just me (but leaving my daughter out of it). (Did I mention we are dealing with adults now - they are all grown but one, so these aren't babies we're talking about). I am at my wit's end. Why do I still love this man and still hold the memories of the first five years of our marriage in my heart and mind? We haven't had sex in forever, ethier. We are not close at all, IMO. I can't get myself to do it anymore. We used to have a great sex life. Incredible. So that is a sad thing, too. I never loved anyone like i loved him in my life so going through this has been heartbreaking for me - but like I said, no amount of talking or trying has helped. It just makes it worse. He takes all that I have said and then twists it and uses it against me. Last night I told him that I was so done. This was after he lied to me again and then threw it in my face like it was funny. The problem is I have no resources to leave and the only asset we have is our home. He refuses to leave. (I've asked for a seperation but he refuses). So I am stuck in this house with him. Please help. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I go back and forth between proactive, rational thoughts of how to handle this situation and not so rational thoughts and then worse irrational thoughts. Thanks for listening.
lightoftruth83 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I logged on tonight, telling myself I wouldn't post bcuz I'm so tired whatever I had to say would probably come out sounding crazy... But, I read your story and felt compelled to post on it. I think ur husband has some serious problems, and you cannot MAKE him admit it or fix it--that's up to him. You CAN however get counseling for yourself (please do this!) You can also get a free consult from a lawyer, hell, if you have to, visit multiple lawyers for free consults! And you can do your own divorce--it's tough but it's do-able. After my story unfolded all I had was a pile of debt but I knew that I had to get out of my marriage so I did my own paperwork, and filed it with the courts. I went through legalzoom.com but that's $300 for the paperwork (and I pretty much had to tell them how to write it lol). I hear that Staples (office supply store) has divorce packets for like $45. Generally you just follow the format and fill in the info. I would recommend reviewing your state's Revised Code for stuff like custody and shared parenting agreements. YOU CAN DO THIS! If you ever have any questions, please feel free to get at me whenever...I do mean that! STAY SAFE!!! Peace & Love J
FreeNow Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Wow, I also browsed the boards with no intention of logging in and posting but the OP's story really stands out. drmaerdepip, I'd strongly suggest that you print out your post for IC. It's a clear writing about both your emotions and the thinking behind what has been happening and what you're doing about it. IMHO, it might really help your counselor get up to speed much quicker and help you more efficiently. Something odd is that I've seen, in the last ten years, two female physician friends of mine allowing their licenses to lapse due to their marriages. The husbands ended up being very controlling and manipulative. There are many similarities to your story; including the parts about the children. I've often been concerned that they would end up isolated (financially and socially), much as has happened with you. (Not that it matters, but, they are Asian and Catholic.) Try not to tip your legal hand to anyone but your attorney (if you get one). You seem to be on the ball and have your head in the game. I'm sorry that you're in this situation and wish for you and your daughter the best possible outcome.
Author drmaerdepip Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 I really appreciate your replies...I know I wrote a novel and really I am feeling stuck right now. I know what I need to do - it's pretty obvious with everything that is going on, it's just so hard to DO it. I feel like I'm frozen. Today he is back to being nice to me, saying "I love you", acting like nothing just happened and so I am left with feeling like I'm going crazy and feeling guilty for my thoughts that I need to leave. Deep down I know that in a week or two he will start all over again.
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