kcahsevol Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I just signed up because I HAD to get opinions on my situation...Ill make a loooong story short. Im in my mid 30s...have MANY relationships in including several long term. for whatever reason nothing ever amounted to engagement or marriage. A few of those were terrible breakups for me, very painfull. So i was down and out last year when i happend to meet a great girl in january. she was from south america and doing research at a local hospital here in the states for 5 months. i instantly liked her and we fell in love very quickly. everybody aroundme said they never saw me more happy. she was what i though was the one. well she had a position to continue her residency in south america at a top institution in july. we both knew this but continued on through the spring. she was supposed to return to s america in may but stayed until mid june despite her father strongly opposing her staying. her parents were not happy AT ALL. and they were fearfull she was going to stay permanently with me. i asked her to stay and marry me but the pressure of her family and her great position in this school was too much for her to decide against. anyway she left and we decided to keep the relationship going. here is where it gets tricky... her schooling would be 3 years long. very very hard work. so best case would be a 3 year loooong distance relationship. the problem was that she would have to redo ALL her schooling again to be able to work in the states. i told her not to waste her time and just go to school here. she said she would go there, graduate then do it all over again here (i believe she ment it). i think she had a great oppotrtunity there but also pressure from her family made her stay in s america. she wanted me to move there during most if not all that time. i told her it was impossible...i didnt know the language, the culture is much too different for me to be able to make a living in what i do. its also one of the most dangerous countries/cities in the world. i went to visit her in august. we had a great time, and i even met her family. her brother told me she was really in love with me...i could see it in her eyes. we had plans to spend christmas in the states and new years in s america. i told her i wanted to get married if we were going to do 3 years long distance so i knew that i was doing it for my wife, and not just a girlfriend. she said she didn't want to get married for that reason. so the thought of 3 years long distance got to me and i broke up with her two weeks after i returned to the states from visiting her. i told her it was too hard and if it didnt work id be almost 40 and single. she was very upset and asked me not to contact her so she can get over me. i told her i loved her very much and wanted to marry her. i tried to explain that moving to s america from the states is not reasonable for a man that needs to make a living. she didn't understand. she was used to the life down there, she doesnt see it from an outsiders perspective. we talk here and there the past 6 months. well last month she tells me she still misses me, and has been wanting to see me. that her time in america and with me was the best and happies time of her life. she said since i broke up with her, if we were going to see each other i would have to go back down to s america to vist (DAMN)! i tried to explain to her i didn't like it down there and as an american it was not easy to do but i would do it for her (trust me people, its the kidnap and murder capital country of the world). so here i am mentally peparing to go back down there. all of a sudden communication is cut off. she barely answers facebook, calls or email. he messages back a appoligies for not getting back sooner. saying she is tired and busy all the time. her last message said "im sooo busy, ill let you know when we can talk over the phone", that was almost three weeks ago. im not writing to her because i deserve more repsect than that... so ive been trying to figure all this out the past few months. im not interested in any other girls im meeting. i love her very much and never clicked or felt so great with any other woman before. was i totally wrong in breaking it off? how many people would have moved down to s america, not be able to work for 3 years, risk their life? ladies...would you have stayed and married a man if he asked? could she really be dating someone else 1 weeks after saying she still missed and wanted to see me? this whole thing has me confused and upset. and i cant talk to her, because ill i get is "you broke up with me, i would have done 3 years long distance", "i see americans living here all the time, its not dangerous"... i signed up just to get peoples thoughts on this, please tell me how you feel. im really upset about this and have been feeling horrible since the week we broke up. i don't know what to do. its like a problem without a real answer. thank you!
Intricategirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You want her to move here and start her career all over, give up her life there and everything she's known since she was born, so she can be with you. But you aren't willing to do that for her. Is it dangerous, probably. She's managed to do it and can teach you what you need to be savvy about. You don't know the language?? Rosetta Stone software is awesome. I have absolutely no opinion on whether you're right/wrong, or if she's right/wrong. I'm just saying you're asking for something you're not willing to give yourself. If you both really love each other, you need to both stop making excuses.
SJC2008 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 "if it didnt work id be almost 40 and single". If that's your biggest concern then move on. Oviously it's easy for me to say because i'm not in your shoes. This comes with the territory when dating foreigners.
Sabali Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm curious, you say that you just signed up but it says that your join date is 2008. In any event, you met a woman last year, from a different culture, dated her for less than a year and now expect her to give up an educational opportunity of a lifetime to join you in the US but you are unwilling to join her in her homeland because it is dangerous but it is home to her. Now you are placing a lot of pressure on her (and you should never pressure a lady) and she is ignoring you because the pressure is just too much. I think that about sums it up. Hey, man, too bad this is happening but realize that it is very hard for a person that is part of a couple from the same culture such as in the US to simply move to another state for their beloved. Keeping a relationship afloat between two different cities located 100 miles from each other is enough. You have the complication of wanting something to happen between locations on different sides of the equator and between cultures that really do not even speak the same languages. From what it sounds like, she has more to lose from a career standpoint if she came to the US than if you moved down there. It's dangerous but love does not come without risks. Right? I say either move down there or hold your peace. Stop pressuring her altogether or she will cut off all contact. Realize that this situation has a snowball chance in hell in surviving considering the circumstance but be thankful that you had the chance to experience it.
Author kcahsevol Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Thats correct, I signed up years ago and posted once (i think it was once)...but I didn't realize it until i came here to post for this specific question... Thank you all for the great and much needed comments. It really helps to hear things from an outsiders perspective. please keep em coming, this is a great help and a smart group of people on here...!
SweetDaphne Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You want her to move here and start her career all over, give up her life there and everything she's known since she was born, so she can be with you. But you aren't willing to do that for her. Is it dangerous, probably. She's managed to do it and can teach you what you need to be savvy about. You don't know the language?? Rosetta Stone software is awesome. I have absolutely no opinion on whether you're right/wrong, or if she's right/wrong. I'm just saying you're asking for something you're not willing to give yourself. If you both really love each other, you need to both stop making excuses. This was my immediate thought. You want her to put out all the effort: moving, new country, new friends, leaving family, home, and job, etc without doing any of the same on your end. It's not reasonable. You need to meet her half way, IMO. Get Rosetta stone, learn the language, suck it up and move down there (and always be aware of where you are), be there for her while she finishes, then move back to the states. In a relationship, especially one this long distance, there must be mutual compromise. If that seems unreasonable or not doable - then you'll just have to look at it as a great relationship while it lasted and know that its time to move on.
mtber75 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Been in the same situation with the Long distance with a foreigner. If her family is against it...Likely it will never happen since she comes from a culture where family a important part of her life. Move on and find someone in your area.
Author kcahsevol Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) The thing is...if she lived almost anywhere else i would have no problem going and being with her. I cannot learn and speak the language at the level nessasary to live there safely. I work in marketing and COMMUNICATIONS and without knowing spanish i would be jobless for three years. then what, she would have a depressed, jobless man, depending on her for everything, no thank you. if she was in europe, or even spain or ireland where its more livable and people know english at least a little bit then i would already be there with her no questions asked. when i went to visit her in august NOBODY knew english, not even at the hotels. id be reduced to a 3 year old and probably lose her in the process anyway. the reason i asked her to come here was that she knows english perfect. she has lived here before. she can function perfectly here, language, money, driving ect. she would have duel citizenship for both countries. a few of her friends married guys and live in the states. she was already a dr. so she could have started working and probably making more than ME from day one of being here. i didn't not go because of selfishness, i didn't go because i flat out can't survive and be a man to her there. i would need to rely on her for everything...thats not good with both our incomes she would be able to fly home every month...live a great life here. also remember, she promised to move to the states AFTER three years of residency to be a surgeon in her country, only to do ANOTHER 3 years here so she could be a surgeon here because her licence would not transfer to the states...i talked to several doctors and they told me that was crazy to even think of doing that, going to school twice... my point is it made little sense for me to go there, fail and a human being miserably only to be a basket case then have her move back up here in the end anyway... Edited April 4, 2011 by kcahsevol
NoMagicBullet Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 The thing is...if she lived almost anywhere else i would have no problem going and being with her. I cannot learn and speak the language at the level nessasary to live there safely. I work in marketing and COMMUNICATIONS and without knowing spanish i would be jobless for three years. then what, she would have a depressed, jobless man, depending on her for everything, no thank you. if she was in europe, or even spain or ireland where its more livable and people know english at least a little bit then i would already be there with her no questions asked. when i went to visit her in august NOBODY knew english, not even at the hotels. id be reduced to a 3 year old and probably lose her in the process anyway. the reason i asked her to come here was that she knows english perfect. she has lived here before. she can function perfectly here, language, money, driving ect. she would have duel citizenship for both countries. a few of her friends married guys and live in the states. she was already a dr. so she could have started working and probably making more than ME from day one of being here. i didn't not go because of selfishness, i didn't go because i flat out can't survive and be a man to her there. i would need to rely on her for everything...thats not good with both our incomes she would be able to fly home every month...live a great life here. also remember, she promised to move to the states AFTER three years of residency to be a surgeon in her country, only to do ANOTHER 3 years here so she could be a surgeon here because her licence would not transfer to the states...i talked to several doctors and they told me that was crazy to even think of doing that, going to school twice... my point is it made little sense for me to go there, fail and a human being miserably only to be a basket case then have her move back up here in the end anyway... So I assume that the two of you talked over these issues? These are some valid points you raise, in terms of it being easier for her to move to where you are versus the other way around. What are her reasons for you moving there (other than she wants you to) and why does she think it would work better for you to move? If you were to marry her, the only way it's going to work is with compromise, so what is she willing to compromise on? It sounds like her family still has a lot of say in her decisions, and the relationship you two had wasn't enough to go against that. Or maybe she wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were to leave her home and the job opportunity there behind. Even if one of you did move to the other's country, I don't think the prognosis of this relationship is a good one.
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