LittleJ Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So I began dating this guy back in January. Because of complications with my ex boyfriend, I asked this new guy if we could take it slow. He was gracious and agreed. He told me he was in no hurry and to just get this other stuff figured out. We decided to not rush into sex. (My ex and i had been split up for a while, but were currently sharing living space). Once this other stuff was figured out, we began spending more time together. We start learning about each other. We start getting physical with each other. I find out he has a serious medical condition which lowers his libido/sex drive. I wonder if I can deal. I work through my fears and decide I can. We start seeing more and more of each other, getting closer emotionally. He tells me he hasn't had sex in over a year and a half. I hold no judgment. I tell him i am comfortable in my sexuality and that sex is important to me. 4 months has gone by and we still haven't had sex. I tell him I'm feeling rejected. He tells me he thought I wanted to go slow. i told him I am ready to pick up the pace. he tells me he was gun shy. We talk about it. We hang out a few more times. I go down on him a few more times. I am starting to feel sexually frustrated. I like him a lot...and can see myself LOVING him one day. What's the deal here? I'm so confused. I'm trying to take into consideration his medical condition. But then I go down on him and know he's got it in him, ya know? Is he intimidated? What's going on in his mind with this? We had an amazing night last night. We are totally into each other...Can any of you men out there relate and help shed some light? I've tried communicating with him about it, but it's not his strong suit. What's the dealio?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I am starting to feel sexually frustrated. I like him a lot...and can see myself LOVING him one day. What's the deal here? I'm so confused. I'm trying to take into consideration his medical condition. But then I go down on him and know he's got it in him, ya know? Is he intimidated? What's going on in his mind with this? We had an amazing night last night. We are totally into each other...Can any of you men out there relate and help shed some light? I've tried communicating with him about it, but it's not his strong suit. What's the dealio? You know he has a condition... PLUS you DID ask him to go slow. So... you don't really have room to complain and wonder whats up? If you push him... yes it will make him feel... not intimidated, but more like performance anxiety. I suggest you either let this happen naturally or initiate a breakup. If what you say is true... this has nothing to do with how pretty you are or how much he likes you.
Author LittleJ Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Hey untouchable: I get what you are saying. But i also told him I was ready for him to pick up the pace and he said he didn't realize i was ready. so now he does. whats the holdup? I don't want to complain. i just want some sound advice so i can figure out whats going on and how to best work through this situation. I don't want to give him performance anxiety either...but why is he so willing to accept a BJ yet make no move on me?
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Hey untouchable: I get what you are saying. But i also told him I was ready for him to pick up the pace and he said he didn't realize i was ready. so now he does. whats the holdup? I don't want to complain. i just want some sound advice so i can figure out whats going on and how to best work through this situation. I don't want to give him performance anxiety either...but why is he so willing to accept a BJ yet make no move on me? An honest conversation with him about it may be the solution. From what I know... once a guy has erectile dysfunction it's really hard to overcome. The problem is the physical component feeds into the emotional component and creates a giant negative feedback loop. Anything that you can do to make him feel confident in his erection will work well. Also do whatever you need to take the pressure off. If these things don't work.... Not much else will.
Author LittleJ Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I'm not sure if it's erectile dysfunction. He gets hard. I can go down on him and finish. He just talked about low libido and lack of interest. But i get that negative feedback loop. it makes sense and it's good for me to understand. i can imagine that feedback loop also pertaining to my pressure on him.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I couldn't say. I can't imagine having that problem. I can't see how anyone could be "intimidated" under those circumstances either. Bear in mind that libido issues rarely ever just get better to the point that they are fixed forever. If you have a dud it's gonna be a dud. Sorry.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 .but why is he so willing to accept a BJ yet make no move on me?Does he even try to fondle your breasts, playfully spank you, or rub your pussy during your fellatio? I am not him but if it was me I would want to caress my girl or make some sort of attempt at sensual touching. Though if you are doing this with him standing up that could be pretty hard. About all he could do then is stroke your hair, stroke your face, or barely touch your breasts. Since he isn't the one performing the sex act in this case a BJ there are no expectations on him. As soon as he takes the leading role which is typically expected in vaginal intercourse the pressure is on him. You could try gently persuading him into a cow girl style position whether he is laying or sitting. Might be best to take it slowly from a lap dance, to a seated cow girl position, and ending with him laying while you are on top. That way the pressure is not so much on him and maybe this could build up enough confidence that he'll start taking the initiative.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Maybe he needs viagra. Viagra doesn't help with libido. What works is testosterone gel like Andro or Testim. But one has to WANT to be sexual for anything to work. Some people are just resigned to being asexual. Nothing is going to make a person who just doesn't have sex on their mind suddenly have sex on their mind in a sustainable life-changing way. If one's libido has fallen off because of age or something, it's possible to get it back with hormone replacement. But if you've been a dud up there in the mind all your life, there's nothing to "get back".
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Does he get hard before the BJ or do you give him BJ to get him hard +finish?
musemaj11 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So the essence of the story is that women call the shots on sex? If she doesnt want it, then sex doesnt happen. But if he doesnt want it it still has to happen.
ConfusedCarolina Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So the essence of the story is that women call the shots on sex? If she doesnt want it, then sex doesnt happen. But if he doesnt want it it still has to happen. To me, it doesn't sound like he doesn't want it since he's on the receiving end of things. I don't get how things are going too fast for her to get some receiving too since it's all on the same level. Slow is slow.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So the essence of the story is that women call the shots on sex? If she doesnt want it, then sex doesnt happen. But if he doesnt want it it still has to happen. Basically To me, it doesn't sound like he doesn't want it since he's on the receiving end of things. I don't get how things are going too fast for her to get some receiving too since it's all on the same level. Slow is slow. and guys always want it even when they say they don't because they are on the receiving end. If we were talking about the reverse such as in the case of a male rapist terrorizing females none of this reasoning would be seen as okay.
tincanman99 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 If its hormonal it might be fixable. If it physical as in damage he might be like this forever. Not much you can do.
Chicago_Guy Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So I began dating this guy back in January. Because of complications with my ex boyfriend, I asked this new guy if we could take it slow. He was gracious and agreed. He told me he was in no hurry and to just get this other stuff figured out. We decided to not rush into sex. (My ex and i had been split up for a while, but were currently sharing living space). Once this other stuff was figured out, we began spending more time together. We start learning about each other. We start getting physical with each other. I find out he has a serious medical condition which lowers his libido/sex drive. I wonder if I can deal. I work through my fears and decide I can. We start seeing more and more of each other, getting closer emotionally. He tells me he hasn't had sex in over a year and a half. I hold no judgment. I tell him i am comfortable in my sexuality and that sex is important to me. 4 months has gone by and we still haven't had sex. I tell him I'm feeling rejected. He tells me he thought I wanted to go slow. i told him I am ready to pick up the pace. he tells me he was gun shy. We talk about it. We hang out a few more times. I go down on him a few more times. I am starting to feel sexually frustrated. I like him a lot...and can see myself LOVING him one day. What's the deal here? I'm so confused. I'm trying to take into consideration his medical condition. But then I go down on him and know he's got it in him, ya know? Is he intimidated? What's going on in his mind with this? We had an amazing night last night. We are totally into each other...Can any of you men out there relate and help shed some light? I've tried communicating with him about it, but it's not his strong suit. What's the dealio? Trust me, that is more common that you apparently think. A lot of guys, especially if they are young, go through stretches like that. I don't know why that would be so surprising to you - most men, especially if they have standards, can't get sex nearly as easily as most women can. Do women really not realize this? However, I do agree with you that something is probably wrong with your guy if he doesn't want to have sex with you at all. If he was able to cum from you giving him a BJ, I don't know why he wouldn't want to have full-on sex unless he has some psychological issues.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Trust me, that is more common that you apparently think. A lot of guys, especially if they are young, go through stretches like that. I don't know why that would be so surprising to you - most men, especially if they have standards, can't get sex nearly as easily as most women can. Do women really not realize this? They really don't realize that. Women still think men are walking hard-ons raring to go at all times. They don't understand the art of seduction for the most part and believe being there is good enough. Many also know nothing of shrinkage.
loveslack Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) some dudes are just like this im stuck with a girl like this and its been 3 and a half years since a normal sex life and i have tried everything to get it to return, it has been living in hell run as far as you can but be nice about it. you can say that you arent over your ex and need space/freedom to find yourself again, its a legit excuse. once i know a girl likes me in 'that way' i am a raging hard on and will give'r, although ive met a few that are not, but it is very rare. Edited April 4, 2011 by loveslack
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