Jessica232 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I thought I'd check in and give an update on my situation. I told my MM's W about our relationship over a month ago. This is the original thread...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267271/ Well, he's back. We really only had NC for one week. After that week of NC, things were difficult, which I posted about. Since then, things have greatly improved. Our relationship is different now, as we both resist any physical contact, other than hugs, but our emotional connection is as strong as ever. He has told me straight out that he must try to make the marriage work, entirely for his kids sake. I completely understand this, as I have been stuck in a similar situation for the past five years. My child is older, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to make changes, as I know now I'm not teaching my child about relationships the right way. But MM's kids are little, and they do no yet question why mommy and daddy don't sleep together, or act like other married parents. My point is, I understand why he stays. I understand too well. That being said, I'm trying to be supportive, but it is HARD. We talk every night, and every day at work. We occasionally spend lunch together, but we have clear boundaries, and we are working hard at maintaining them. This is of course, in direct betrayal to W, as she has directed there is NC to be made. But, I think you do what you need to do to have a small amount of happiness and survive. We cannot do NC. We both agree that it is much less painful to maintain a minute connection than NC. We're in love with each other, and we do what we can to make this bearable. I know we will end in one of two ways....I will meet someone else, as I am firm about living my life and going out, or he will eventually be free. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe he is the one. I strongly believe he will be free in time. You can't say you want your marriage to work, and not do anything to improve it. And you can't make a relationship work if you're in love with someone else. I regularly encourage counseling. Marriage counseling for sure, and if she won't go, he at least needs to go alone. It hurts me to see how the stress of this grates on him daily. He gets physically ill. I feel like it's only a matter of time before he breaks, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We are stuck in an impossible situation, and just doing the best we can right now.
BB07 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I thought I'd check in and give an update on my situation. I told my MM's W about our relationship over a month ago. This is the original thread...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267271/ Well, he's back. We really only had NC for one week. After that week of NC, things were difficult, which I posted about. Since then, things have greatly improved. Our relationship is different now, as we both resist any physical contact, other than hugs, but our emotional connection is as strong as ever. He has told me straight out that he must try to make the marriage work, entirely for his kids sake. I completely understand this, as I have been stuck in a similar situation for the past five years. My child is older, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to make changes, as I know now I'm not teaching my child about relationships the right way. But MM's kids are little, and they do no yet question why mommy and daddy don't sleep together, or act like other married parents. My point is, I understand why he stays. I understand too well. That being said, I'm trying to be supportive, but it is HARD. We talk every night, and every day at work. We occasionally spend lunch together, but we have clear boundaries, and we are working hard at maintaining them. This is of course, in direct betrayal to W, as she has directed there is NC to be made. But, I think you do what you need to do to have a small amount of happiness and survive. We cannot do NC. We both agree that it is much less painful to maintain a minute connection than NC. We're in love with each other, and we do what we can to make this bearable. I know we will end in one of two ways....I will meet someone else, as I am firm about living my life and going out, or he will eventually be free. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe he is the one. I strongly believe he will be free in time. You can't say you want your marriage to work, and not do anything to improve it. And you can't make a relationship work if you're in love with someone else. I regularly encourage counseling. Marriage counseling for sure, and if she won't go, he at least needs to go alone. It hurts me to see how the stress of this grates on him daily. He gets physically ill. I feel like it's only a matter of time before he breaks, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We are stuck in an impossible situation, and just doing the best we can right now. Your post is full of contradictions! Do you consider yourself still in the affair? Since you speak of only hugs now and a emotional connection. He "told" you that he "must" make his marriage work. Exactly how is he working on that when he is still having contact with you? Also just because you are identifying with the reasons he says that he wants to make his marriage work, don't mean it's really the way it is. You are encouraging him to go to counseling and work on his marriage uh but yet you are still continuing the affair?? :rolleyes:That's about the biggest contradiction that I've ever read on here. I don't mean to be rude.......but really now, at least own what you are REALLY doing and you sure aren't helping him to save his marriage. What's changed since the d day.......nothing really, right?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I thought I'd check in and give an update on my situation. I told my MM's W about our relationship over a month ago. This is the original thread...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267271/ Well, he's back. We really only had NC for one week. After that week of NC, things were difficult, which I posted about. Since then, things have greatly improved. Our relationship is different now, as we both resist any physical contact, other than hugs, but our emotional connection is as strong as ever. He has told me straight out that he must try to make the marriage work, entirely for his kids sake. I completely understand this, as I have been stuck in a similar situation for the past five years. My child is older, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to make changes, as I know now I'm not teaching my child about relationships the right way. But MM's kids are little, and they do no yet question why mommy and daddy don't sleep together, or act like other married parents. My point is, I understand why he stays. I understand too well. That being said, I'm trying to be supportive, but it is HARD. We talk every night, and every day at work. We occasionally spend lunch together, but we have clear boundaries, and we are working hard at maintaining them. This is of course, in direct betrayal to W, as she has directed there is NC to be made. But, I think you do what you need to do to have a small amount of happiness and survive. We cannot do NC. We both agree that it is much less painful to maintain a minute connection than NC. We're in love with each other, and we do what we can to make this bearable. I know we will end in one of two ways....I will meet someone else, as I am firm about living my life and going out, or he will eventually be free. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe he is the one. I strongly believe he will be free in time. You can't say you want your marriage to work, and not do anything to improve it. And you can't make a relationship work if you're in love with someone else. I regularly encourage counseling. Marriage counseling for sure, and if she won't go, he at least needs to go alone. It hurts me to see how the stress of this grates on him daily. He gets physically ill. I feel like it's only a matter of time before he breaks, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We are stuck in an impossible situation, and just doing the best we can right now. Alright, You have a major problem here. You do. 1. You are involved with a partner that has some major internal incongruency issues. Big time. A) Says he needs to make his marriage work while hugging you b) marriage thing again while having contact with you and you justifying it. 2. You are looking at this in two different directions and not encouraging this man to take responsibility for his actions. If he is working on his marriage and that is his path, then you do him a huge disservice by having contact with him, even if he asks for it. His path is back to his wife at this point. That's on him. If his path is towards you then you show yourself enough respect for him to make the necessary steps to get there. Saying that you "cannot do NC" says that both of you are too weak to go through the process and establish a relationship with healthy boundaries. You should be NC with him until his divorce papers are signed at the least. Marriage counseling and not respecting the wife's boundaries are two different paths. If he has picked a direction then you take responsibility for yourself and stay off of his path. It doesn't matter how hard it is. If he is in love with you then the proof comes with the papers, otherwise you have nothing but disrespect.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Alright, You have a major problem here. You do. 1. You are involved with a partner that has some major internal incongruency issues. Big time. A) Says he needs to make his marriage work while hugging you b) marriage thing again while having contact with you and you justifying it. 2. You are looking at this in two different directions and not encouraging this man to take responsibility for his actions. If he is working on his marriage and that is his path, then you do him a huge disservice by having contact with him, even if he asks for it. His path is back to his wife at this point. That's on him. If his path is towards you then you show yourself enough respect for him to make the necessary steps to get there. Saying that you "cannot do NC" says that both of you are too weak to go through the process and establish a relationship with healthy boundaries. You should be NC with him until his divorce papers are signed at the least. Marriage counseling and not respecting the wife's boundaries are two different paths. If he has picked a direction then you take responsibility for yourself and stay off of his path. It doesn't matter how hard it is. If he is in love with you then the proof comes with the papers, otherwise you have nothing but disrespect.\ Definitely disagree. I feel nothing but respect. I'm more secure now than ever. He's meeting my needs, while still(in his mind) trying to do what's right. I'm not pressuring him to get out of his situation, as I'm still in mine. He's not showing me disrespect, the disrespect is going to the W. He respects the boundaries I've set. Obviously, his path is NOT toward his wife. If it was, there would be NC. I encourage him to seek counseling because I know in his mind he's trying to do the right thing, but struggling greatly with it, and I know what the outcome will be.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 \ Definitely disagree. I feel nothing but respect. I'm more secure now than ever. He's meeting my needs, while still(in his mind) trying to do what's right. I'm not pressuring him to get out of his situation, as I'm still in mine. He's not showing me disrespect, the disrespect is going to the W. He respects the boundaries I've set. Obviously, his path is NOT toward his wife. If it was, there would be NC. I encourage him to seek counseling because I know in his mind he's trying to do the right thing, but struggling greatly with it, and I know what the outcome will be. 1. The term "Respect" that I am using is a verb, not a noun. Respect is not a feeling, it is a behaviour. Your behaviour does not reflect respect. This is not to say that you do not admire or care for the man or wish him the best in life. Respect means being aware of someone's boundaries and holding them accountable to their word, whomever their word may be directed at. In your case it is especially prudent to observe the respect he treats his marriage with. You could very well be looking into a crystal ball here. 2. You should be meeting your own needs for happiness until you find him free and able to commit in a positive, healthy way. This is not happening if you are claiming that he is meeting your needs. 3. He is showing you disrespect by approaching you physically period. If he is not engaging in a relationship with you and has a clearly emotional history with you, then he needs to back off and give you space too. In this sense you are not respecting each other. 4. If his path is not towards his wife then you should still have enough respect to wait until the papers come through. Encouraging MC is only delaying the process and if you are going to be together it would be best that his path come towards you and he file. 5. I think I know what the outcome will be too. But I wish you the best.
spice4life Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Hmm...still an emotional affair no matter how you look at it. Good luck.
Gentlegirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 HI, My affair broke up when the wife found out about a lengthy phone call. The MM was still emailing an texting me, BUT.... GET THIS..... putting things right with his marriage! What a load of utter rubbish! He was just trying to keep me sweet until he pacified the wife enough to get out and about again. I stopped all contact and he's gone. WHAT A SCUMBAG! I said"Where is your mind????" in the title because I believe we all live in another fairytale world when we are caught up in the affair. We believe and do the most irrational and unbelievable things. I feel you could be just hanging on because it's too hard to let go completely. The physical NC will go out the window for sure before too long if you hang together. I do hope one day when all the stars and fairy dust have been blown away, you will look back and see all this with a clear and rational mind. I am beginning to after 15 weeks NC but more and more things are becoming clear to meas the time goes on. If he's going to make his marriage work, he whould be doing it with his whole heart, not just making a token effort and keeping you for a rainy day. All my best wishes to you, Gentle. ps I truly believe I had a form of inssanity for the 2 years and 9 months of the affair. I thought I'd check in and give an update on my situation. I told my MM's W about our relationship over a month ago. This is the original thread...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267271/ Well, he's back. We really only had NC for one week. After that week of NC, things were difficult, which I posted about. Since then, things have greatly improved. Our relationship is different now, as we both resist any physical contact, other than hugs, but our emotional connection is as strong as ever. He has told me straight out that he must try to make the marriage work, entirely for his kids sake. I completely understand this, as I have been stuck in a similar situation for the past five years. My child is older, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to make changes, as I know now I'm not teaching my child about relationships the right way. But MM's kids are little, and they do no yet question why mommy and daddy don't sleep together, or act like other married parents. My point is, I understand why he stays. I understand too well. That being said, I'm trying to be supportive, but it is HARD. We talk every night, and every day at work. We occasionally spend lunch together, but we have clear boundaries, and we are working hard at maintaining them. This is of course, in direct betrayal to W, as she has directed there is NC to be made. But, I think you do what you need to do to have a small amount of happiness and survive. We cannot do NC. We both agree that it is much less painful to maintain a minute connection than NC. We're in love with each other, and we do what we can to make this bearable. I know we will end in one of two ways....I will meet someone else, as I am firm about living my life and going out, or he will eventually be free. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe he is the one. I strongly believe he will be free in time. You can't say you want your marriage to work, and not do anything to improve it. And you can't make a relationship work if you're in love with someone else. I regularly encourage counseling. Marriage counseling for sure, and if she won't go, he at least needs to go alone. It hurts me to see how the stress of this grates on him daily. He gets physically ill. I feel like it's only a matter of time before he breaks, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. We are stuck in an impossible situation, and just doing the best we can right now.
greengoddess Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What a lucky woman you are. Imagine he is home kissing his wifes ass but he loves you so much he is willing to still keep you hanging on at the same time. Lucky you!! His dday was his chance to get out. Divorced men spend much more quality time with their children. Don't let him use his kids as an excuse. Stop being his little bandaid to what is missing in his marriage. Seriously, I just don't get this at all. You are right back where you were but worse because he is doing everything he can right now to keep his wife happy while playing with you.
20Seconds Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 He has told me straight out that he must try to make the marriage work, entirely for his kids sake. He has no intention of making his marriage "work" and every intention of staying, waiting til the dust settles and then getting back into a physical, as well as an emotional, relationship with you. His reason may be because he loves you but the reality is, he's not leaving and you will continue to be his AP until you get fed up with it, at which point he will probably replace you with someone else. D-Days that don;t lead to anything changing are the worst thing that can happen for both the BS and the AP. The BS continues to be unhappy and suspicious and live a horrible life. The AP continues to be stuck in the affair, when really she wants the MP to leave, and the MP...well he gets to pull all the strings, and he's the one with all the choices, really, now isn;t he? "Stay with wife and lose AP - no, I don;t fancy that one. I won;t get enough sex / love / attention / ego massage" (whatever it is you provide) "Leave wife and be with AP - no, I don;t fancy that one. Financially I'll be screwed, and what if the AP dumps me? I'll be on my own and then I'll have to wash my own clothes / deal with my kids / live in a hovel all by myself etc etc" "Stay with wife and continue with AP on the side - yep, that sounds like the best option for me. It keeps me happy enough". He's already made his choice and you are going to have to live with it or get out. Please, don;t fall for the old "sake of the kids" argument. If he REALLY cares about his kids he should either be NC with you and working on his marriage, or filing for divorce because all he is doing otherwise is lying to his whole family to "protect" them from the reality of his behaviour and if you think about it, that's pretty selfish logic. All these MM nobly staying for the sake of the kids and lying to them and their mother on a daily basis? Is that your idea of a great father?
Owl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 \ Definitely disagree. I feel nothing but respect. I'm more secure now than ever. He's meeting my needs, while still(in his mind) trying to do what's right. That's the problem. He's not doing what's right. He's FAKING doing what's right. Even he knows better, but refuses to realize it, because to do so would be to force himself to realize that he's STILL in the affair, still lying and cheating to his wife. I'm not sure how anyone truly would respect that, when you really stop and consider it. I'm not pressuring him to get out of his situation, as I'm still in mine. He's not showing me disrespect, the disrespect is going to the W. He respects the boundaries I've set. Obviously, his path is NOT toward his wife. If it was, there would be NC. I encourage him to seek counseling because I know in his mind he's trying to do the right thing, but struggling greatly with it, and I know what the outcome will be. How is this truly different from where you were when you first posted? The only difference is (apparently) that you've removed one component of the affair. He's not trying to do the right thing. He's trying to keep both of you in any capacity that he can. He'll settle for a little less from you (for now) so that he can keep her in his life longer. There's nothing noble here...no real change.
TurboGirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What a lucky woman you are. Imagine he is home kissing his wifes ass but he loves you so much he is willing to still keep you hanging on at the same time. Lucky you!! His dday was his chance to get out. Divorced men spend much more quality time with their children. Don't let him use his kids as an excuse. Stop being his little bandaid to what is missing in his marriage. Seriously, I just don't get this at all. You are right back where you were but worse because he is doing everything he can right now to keep his wife happy while playing with you. Actually I agree with GG here. If he's stayin', he's stayin. You need to move on and take care of yourself! Still chatting with this guy is feeding his ego. Go NC, make him Grow Up and stand by his word, which was that he was staying with his wife. Then you will see what he is really made of and what your relationship is/was. Still talking with him is not a good idea, and the contact will prevent you from moving on.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 What a lucky woman you are. Imagine he is home kissing his wifes ass but he loves you so much he is willing to still keep you hanging on at the same time. Lucky you!! His dday was his chance to get out. Divorced men spend much more quality time with their children. Don't let him use his kids as an excuse. Stop being his little bandaid to what is missing in his marriage. Seriously, I just don't get this at all. You are right back where you were but worse because he is doing everything he can right now to keep his wife happy while playing with you. Wellll if he were doing everything to keep wifey happy, he surely wouldn't be talking to me all night every night. I don't think that would make her happy if she knew. You can't be played if they tell you their intentions up front. And you can't play a player lol.
BB07 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Wellll if he were doing everything to keep wifey happy, he surely wouldn't be talking to me all night every night. I don't think that would make her happy if she knew. You can't be played if they tell you their intentions up front. And you can't play a player lol. Did you read any of the responses to your post??? Or did you just get all bent out of shape because it wasn't what you wanted to hear? Surely we can't all be wrong. lol
Author Jessica232 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 He has no intention of making his marriage "work" and every intention of staying, waiting til the dust settles and then getting back into a physical, as well as an emotional, relationship with you. His reason may be because he loves you but the reality is, he's not leaving and you will continue to be his AP until you get fed up with it, at which point he will probably replace you with someone else. D-Days that don;t lead to anything changing are the worst thing that can happen for both the BS and the AP. The BS continues to be unhappy and suspicious and live a horrible life. The AP continues to be stuck in the affair, when really she wants the MP to leave, and the MP...well he gets to pull all the strings, and he's the one with all the choices, really, now isn;t he? "Stay with wife and lose AP - no, I don;t fancy that one. I won;t get enough sex / love / attention / ego massage" (whatever it is you provide) "Leave wife and be with AP - no, I don;t fancy that one. Financially I'll be screwed, and what if the AP dumps me? I'll be on my own and then I'll have to wash my own clothes / deal with my kids / live in a hovel all by myself etc etc" "Stay with wife and continue with AP on the side - yep, that sounds like the best option for me. It keeps me happy enough". He's already made his choice and you are going to have to live with it or get out. Please, don;t fall for the old "sake of the kids" argument. If he REALLY cares about his kids he should either be NC with you and working on his marriage, or filing for divorce because all he is doing otherwise is lying to his whole family to "protect" them from the reality of his behaviour and if you think about it, that's pretty selfish logic. All these MM nobly staying for the sake of the kids and lying to them and their mother on a daily basis? Is that your idea of a great father? This is a good reply. You're pretty much right. Except there will be NO physical relationship. For sure, we are still deep in an emotional affair, but we both want no physical relationship until it's right. He wants that just as much as I do. I don't think I'll get fed up first....his mound of stress and heartache is building every day. I see the struggle every day. I see the turmoil every day. I probably could get him to leave, if I initiated NC, as that would push him over the edge, but right now isn't that time.....yet.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Actually I agree with GG here. If he's stayin', he's stayin. You need to move on and take care of yourself! Still chatting with this guy is feeding his ego. Go NC, make him Grow Up and stand by his word, which was that he was staying with his wife. Then you will see what he is really made of and what your relationship is/was. Still talking with him is not a good idea, and the contact will prevent you from moving on. Actually, I'm dating others too.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Wellll if he were doing everything to keep wifey happy, he surely wouldn't be talking to me all night every night. I don't think that would make her happy if she knew. You can't be played if they tell you their intentions up front. And you can't play a player lol. Um, she is happier because she doesn't know.... His intentions aren't upfront with anyone.... You seem kind of.....out if touch with reality of the situation which is really really ironic.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Did you read any of the responses to your post??? Or did you just get all bent out of shape because it wasn't what you wanted to hear? Surely we can't all be wrong. lol Definitely not bent out of shape. I post here for the feedback, and I expect most of it to not be "what I want to hear". It definitely helps in the moments I'm mad. But for the most part, I realize no one knows the situation, or the people we are.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Um, she is happier because she doesn't know.... His intentions aren't upfront with anyone.... You seem kind of.....out if touch with reality of the situation which is really really ironic. How are his intentions not upfront (with me) if he's told me he needs to try to do what's right? I KNOW he's not doing that, but in his mind, he's staying and trying to make things work. He hasn't given me ANY false hope. I stay because I choose to stay. I definitely love him, and the bottom line is, it's fun for now!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 So um what? You are staying because you love him and it's fun but it's not fun be dude you can't be together physically because 'in his mind' he is doing the right things but he isn't but he says he is but doesn't tell you he is leaving his wife but talks to you every night and he's being upfront with you ? Did I miss something? What? (gosh I feel like I am my mother-in-law and this woman is trying to explain how to email someone!)
BB07 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Definitely not bent out of shape. I post here for the feedback, and I expect most of it to not be "what I want to hear". It definitely helps in the moments I'm mad. But for the most part, I realize no one knows the situation, or the people we are. Ummm you wrote a pretty detailed post about "the situation" so the ones who respond are just calling it like they see it. So I'll call it like I see it.......you are with a mm who either knows exactly what he wants (typical cake eater) or one who is a confused mess who doesn't know which way is us...........and you seem to be in denial. Which ever one he happens to be is not good relationship material and while I'm on a roll.......you shouldn't bank on hopes of what you think he will be in the future, he is already showing you exactly who he is and it ain't a pretty picture. And who the hell calls all that drama fun???? I'd call it warped.
greengoddess Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Actually, I'm dating others too. Lovely, just lovely. Talk about playing with people. Break up one marriage while dating others too. Are the "others" at least single?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Only one word for this thread: ::facepalm!::
MistyBryant Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 How are his intentions not upfront (with me) if he's told me he needs to try to do what's right? I KNOW he's not doing that, but in his mind, he's staying and trying to make things work. He hasn't given me ANY false hope. I stay because I choose to stay. I definitely love him, and the bottom line is, it's fun for now! Wow...what is his definition of "what's right"? Cus it sounds to me and a lot of people who responded is that he is not doing the right thing. Yes he's upfront with you but what about the wife. He's not upfront with her. He's still lying to her because of you and it sounds like you really don't care because you are having "fun for now". Are you the only female, other than his wife, that he is talking to? For all you know there might be other females that he is talking to just like how he isn't the only one you talking to. I guess love is a funny thing in your situation.
Author Jessica232 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Lovely, just lovely. Talk about playing with people. Break up one marriage while dating others too. Are the "others" at least single? Lololol yes. Definitely would not go down this road ever again!
Author Jessica232 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 Wow...what is his definition of "what's right"? Cus it sounds to me and a lot of people who responded is that he is not doing the right thing. Yes he's upfront with you but what about the wife. He's not upfront with her. He's still lying to her because of you and it sounds like you really don't care because you are having "fun for now". Are you the only female, other than his wife, that he is talking to? For all you know there might be other females that he is talking to just like how he isn't the only one you talking to. I guess love is a funny thing in your situation. I could care less about the wife. If that's harsh, oh well, it's honest. And yes, I am absolutely positively certain I am the only one he talks to.
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