joesmith Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'll start by saying this - I know I'm wrong for continuing to persue the following situation: Im friends with a MW. We worked together briefly, and our personalities just meshed. She went on to a new job, but we remained close. Friendship turned into an EA, and eventually some physical, sexual contact (not intercourse). We still talk a lot, and it often turns to sexual nature. She enjoys this talk, and I tell her I want to act on it. She says she can't, even just 'a little'...because she will eventually want more than just 'a little contact'. But when we do end up alone, things always get heated up. What is going on here? I know Im wrong. She tells me she cant because she's married, but if we met when she was single things would be real different. She always says this, but whenever we end up alone, sometype of physical contact occurs. Even worse, I 'like' her. What is going thru her head? Im just venting. Thanks.
East7 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Im friends with a MW. We worked together briefly, and our personalities just meshed. She went on to a new job, but we remained close. Friendship turned into an EA, and eventually some physical, sexual contact (not intercourse). We still talk a lot, and it often turns to sexual nature. She enjoys this talk, and I tell her I want to act on it. She says she can't, even just 'a little'...because she will eventually want more than just 'a little contact'. But when we do end up alone, things always get heated up. Not too hard to understand. If you develop an emotional connection with a woman she will desire you physically as well (whether single or not). There is clearly some sexual tension developing and there is a very thin line between EA and PA, it takes a little nothing to give in. What is going on here? I know Im wrong. She tells me she cant because she's married, but if we met when she was single things would be real different. She always says this, but whenever we end up alone, sometype of physical contact occurs. Even worse, I 'like' her. What is going thru her head? Im just venting. Thanks. "If I was single..." is a way to tell you "I desire you but I'm still questioning my boundaries" The real issue is not sleeping with her or not, that's the easy part ! Your real issue is what is your long-term goal with a married woman? An A is very easy to get in (the desire is reciprocated), but very hard to get out. Do you think you might have a future with her ?
BB07 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'll start by saying this - I know I'm wrong for continuing to persue the following situation: Im friends with a MW. We worked together briefly, and our personalities just meshed. She went on to a new job, but we remained close. Friendship turned into an EA, and eventually some physical, sexual contact (not intercourse). We still talk a lot, and it often turns to sexual nature. She enjoys this talk, and I tell her I want to act on it. She says she can't, even just 'a little'...because she will eventually want more than just 'a little contact'. But when we do end up alone, things always get heated up. What is going on here? I know Im wrong. She tells me she cant because she's married, but if we met when she was single things would be real different. She always says this, but whenever we end up alone, sometype of physical contact occurs. Even worse, I 'like' her. What is going thru her head? Im just venting. Thanks. Married persons who feel some guilt, some reservations about an affair so they do the "come here, go away" thing. It enables them to fool themselves into not feeling quite so bad about it because they haven't taken it all the way YET. It's also used either consciously or unconsciously to manipulate you......it's called dangling the carrot, she gives you a little nibble and makes you want the whole thing a bit more. It's also common for married persons to entice you with pretty words, such as 'if I were only single" or " I wish I had met you at another time. Instead of asking questions about why she is doing this or that, you probably should be thinking real hard about why YOU are getting into a ****e storm called affairyland and opening yourself up to a lot of grief and pain with someone who is NOT for all intents and purposes available.
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Not too hard to understand. If you develop an emotional connection with a woman she will desire you physically as well (whether single or not). There is clearly some sexual tension developing and there is a very thin line between EA and PA, it takes a little nothing to give in. "If I was single..." is a way to tell you "I desire you but I'm still questioning my boundaries" The real issue is not sleeping with her or not, that's the easy part ! Your real issue is what is your long-term goal with a married woman? An A is very easy to get in (the desire is reciprocated), but very hard to get out. Do you think you might have a future with her ? I appreciate your reply. Some sexual tension is an understatement. It is extremely high. Our conversations get extremely graphic (that's not all we talk about, sometimes we just talk 'normal'!). As far as my long term goal with her....I really don't know. I think the short term goal (sex) has got me pre occupied. And honestly --- and this may be awful for me to say--but I really dont think I could be in a serious relationship with her...I dont think I would ever fully trust her. I may get blasted by some for saying this, sorry. If anything with her, I would like it to be a FWB situation.
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Married persons who feel some guilt, some reservations about an affair so they do the "come here, go away" thing. It enables them to fool themselves into not feeling quite so bad about it because they haven't taken it all the way YET. It's also used either consciously or unconsciously to manipulate you......it's called dangling the carrot, she gives you a little nibble and makes you want the whole thing a bit more. It's also common for married persons to entice you with pretty words, such as 'if I were only single" or " I wish I had met you at another time. Instead of asking questions about why she is doing this or that, you probably should be thinking real hard about why YOU are getting into a ****e storm called affairyland and opening yourself up to a lot of grief and pain with someone who is NOT for all intents and purposes available. I agree with the 'carrot' theory, and I sense some of that here. What do you mean when you say "entice you with pretty words"? And as far as ME, you are also correct, I know. I'm usually pretty sensible and competent when it comes to dealing with females. Just not this one.
TurboGirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 FWB? FWB... hmmm from a woman's standpoint, that means the guy gets to have sex with me, and we're "friends" and since we're "friends" he is kinda off the hook when it comes to emotional involvement and all the other things that come with a relationship. Pretty cheap. That's how the entire full blown affair often starts, and I'm speaking from experience here. What if you get more attached and she doesn't want to leave her husband? or what if she gets attached & leaves her husband for you?
BB07 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I agree with the 'carrot' theory, and I sense some of that here. What do you mean when you say "entice you with pretty words"? And as far as ME, you are also correct, I know. I'm usually pretty sensible and competent when it comes to dealing with females. Just not this one. I gave you examples in my post but I guess you missed it. Examples.........saying things like "if I were only single" and "I wish I had met you before I was married". Saying things like that are more common that you'd like to believe. I'd advise you to find your sensible and competent side PDQ. This could cost you more than you imagine.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I appreciate your reply. Some sexual tension is an understatement. It is extremely high. Our conversations get extremely graphic (that's not all we talk about, sometimes we just talk 'normal'!). As far as my long term goal with her....I really don't know. I think the short term goal (sex) has got me pre occupied. And honestly --- and this may be awful for me to say--but I really dont think I could be in a serious relationship with her...I dont think I would ever fully trust her. I may get blasted by some for saying this, sorry. If anything with her, I would like it to be a FWB situation. I was just going to ask what the point of this all was. So, you want a FWB with a MM? Aka..An affair. So it's all about sex? Or do you have feelings for her too? Remember, you stroke her ego. You make her feel good. It's ALL about her, always..Never forget that.. If you don't have feelings for her now, eventually you will once you let this turn into an affair. (NOT FWB, married people dont' have those and that's why it's called an affair) IF you plan on doing this, OWN your part in it all when the time comes you two get found out. Already she is crossing lines and boundries, proving she's capable of lying, cheating and manipulating. Not that it should matter to you since you just want no strings sex, right? Are you going to 'date' other women as well? How will you feel down the road when she still has sex with her husband? Not judging you, okay, but there are thousands and thousands of single women to have FWB with, why go for a married one? Put yourself in a triangle and more than likely a HUGE fallout with nasty consquences?
MorningCoffee Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I appreciate your reply. Some sexual tension is an understatement. It is extremely high. Our conversations get extremely graphic (that's not all we talk about, sometimes we just talk 'normal'!). As far as my long term goal with her....I really don't know. I think the short term goal (sex) has got me pre occupied. And honestly --- and this may be awful for me to say--but I really dont think I could be in a serious relationship with her...I dont think I would ever fully trust her. I may get blasted by some for saying this, sorry. If anything with her, I would like it to be a FWB situation. Pretend I'm your older, wiser brother - - - I was in exactly your situation about two years ago. I figured, hey, her (MW) marriage is crap, she's on her way out, she seems to like me, maybe she's up for a fling and so why the H not? Surprise, surprise. We liked each other A LOT. Fell in love. Endlessly complicated, endlessly painful, despite incredibly intense, wonderful, fleeting times full of passion and connection. Ultimatums. Going No Contact (NC). Wondering. Fishing. Starting up again. D-Day and NC again. Wondering. Fishing. Starting up again. Pain. Going No Contact (NC). Rinse. Repeat. Finally, realized nothing is ever going to get any better so long as I don't stick to my boundaries and standards of what I am entitled to in a relationship. And an affair with a MW just ain't gonna be it. Just sayin'
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I gave you examples in my post but I guess you missed it. Examples.........saying things like "if I were only single" and "I wish I had met you before I was married". Saying things like that are more common that you'd like to believe. I'd advise you to find your sensible and competent side PDQ. This could cost you more than you imagine. Textbook line said by a married person. Both men and women seem to use this as hook, line and sinker. To secure the other person in, make them feel desired and wanted too, even though the focus is all on them..Hope that makes sense to you Joe. Does she have children?
BB07 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Sorry for being crude here, as I'm usually not, but you are only thinking with you dick right now as you've pretty much said that. The sex will probably be really good, because it's got that forbidden quality to it, but there isn't any way to guarantee that you won't get otherwise involved or hurt. For all you know you could end up with a STD........or her hubby could come after you.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I suggest you take the time to read threads in this section so you can see what an OW/OM goes through during an affair. All you see is the good and hot sex, fun and excitement. ALL that is the affair dynamic...I doubt you'd be this into it and sexually close to the line with the teasing etc, if it was a single woman. Also, go read in the infidelity section as well so you can see the other side of this, the betrayed spouse. The pain and devastation an affair causes.. You want to be a part of that? To help her ruin her marriage, help her betray her husband and family?
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I was just going to ask what the point of this all was. So, you want a FWB with a MM? Aka..An affair. So it's all about sex? Or do you have feelings for her too? Remember, you stroke her ego. You make her feel good. It's ALL about her, always..Never forget that.. If you don't have feelings for her now, eventually you will once you let this turn into an affair. (NOT FWB, married people dont' have those and that's why it's called an affair) IF you plan on doing this, OWN your part in it all when the time comes you two get found out. Already she is crossing lines and boundries, proving she's capable of lying, cheating and manipulating. Not that it should matter to you since you just want no strings sex, right? Are you going to 'date' other women as well? How will you feel down the road when she still has sex with her husband? Not judging you, okay, but there are thousands and thousands of single women to have FWB with, why go for a married one? Put yourself in a triangle and more than likely a HUGE fallout with nasty consquences? Yes, it would be an affair..I realize that. And you may be correct, if we start having sex I (or she) may develop feelings. And I know you're not judging me, it's ok (I KNOW Im wrong for even being in this situation)..sometimes we joke around and say "ok, no more freaky talk"...it will last a few days at most. **Remember, you stroke her ego. You make her feel good. It's ALL about her, always..Never forget that.. ** ...what do you mean by this?
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Sorry for being crude here, as I'm usually not, but you are only thinking with you dick right now as you've pretty much said that. The sex will probably be really good, because it's got that forbidden quality to it, but there isn't any way to guarantee that you won't get otherwise involved or hurt. For all you know you could end up with a STD........or her hubby could come after you. No need to apologize, that's how I usually talk. But I figured I wouldnt start cussing in my first post! You're right, I am thinking with my d*** - I didnt want to come out and say that, so I'm glad you did! Perhaps if we haven't had several encounters, it would be easier for me to just leave it alone....I guess that's the carrot.
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I suggest you take the time to read threads in this section so you can see what an OW/OM goes through during an affair. All you see is the good and hot sex, fun and excitement. ALL that is the affair dynamic...I doubt you'd be this into it and sexually close to the line with the teasing etc, if it was a single woman. Also, go read in the infidelity section as well so you can see the other side of this, the betrayed spouse. The pain and devastation an affair causes.. You want to be a part of that? To help her ruin her marriage, help her betray her husband and family? Everything you say is correct. I just came here to discuss with 'anonymous others'. I appreciate your feedback.
BB07 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So now that you've been enlightened what are you gonna do Joe?
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Pretend I'm your older, wiser brother - - - I was in exactly your situation about two years ago. I figured, hey, her (MW) marriage is crap, she's on her way out, she seems to like me, maybe she's up for a fling and so why the H not? Surprise, surprise. We liked each other A LOT. Fell in love. Endlessly complicated, endlessly painful, despite incredibly intense, wonderful, fleeting times full of passion and connection. Ultimatums. Going No Contact (NC). Wondering. Fishing. Starting up again. D-Day and NC again. Wondering. Fishing. Starting up again. Pain. Going No Contact (NC). Rinse. Repeat. Finally, realized nothing is ever going to get any better so long as I don't stick to my boundaries and standards of what I am entitled to in a relationship. And an affair with a MW just ain't gonna be it. Just sayin' I read your reply a few times, it really sums it up. And what you're "just sayin" is 100% correct. Im just not thinking clearly right now. Thanks ...What's fishing?
Emme Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What is going on here? You are falling for a woman who does not belong to you. Imagine you walk into a store and you wanted to purchase something you've had your eyes on for a long time. You walk in and you see it's on sale. They tell you they have no more in stock. You say can I have the one on display and they tell you no. It belongs to the store. Now this item is the one electronic gift you wanted for yourself. You have dreamt about owning one, playing with one, and how beautiful it is. Now you are stuck standing there with nothing. No matter how much you want it you can't leave the store with it. That's what's happening. What is going thru her head? I am suck in a marriage I don't want to be in. I want to be with someone who can bring passion into my life. Only thing is I can't imagine cheating so I will just dry hump because that is not cheating. I need someone though to make me feel special. I will just put him up on the shelf for when I need him... or for when my husband truly f*cks up. That way it's his fault, not mine, when I cheat. Hope this helps hun. She has a hold on you and only you can let go.
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Textbook line said by a married person. Both men and women seem to use this as hook, line and sinker. To secure the other person in, make them feel desired and wanted too, even though the focus is all on them..Hope that makes sense to you Joe. Does she have children? whichwayisup, yes, she does have children. I see you mentioned "the focus is all on them" ..the other poster mentioned something similar..'its all about her' (or something close to that), can you elaborate on this?
Author joesmith Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 You are falling for a woman who does not belong to you. Imagine you walk into a store and you wanted to purchase something you've had your eyes on for a long time. You walk in and you see it's on sale. They tell you they have no more in stock. You say can I have the one on display and they tell you no. It belongs to the store. Now this item is the one electronic gift you wanted for yourself. You have dreamt about owning one, playing with one, and how beautiful it is. Now you are stuck standing there with nothing. No matter how much you want it you can't leave the store with it. That's what's happening. I am suck in a marriage I don't want to be in. I want to be with someone who can bring passion into my life. Only thing is I can't imagine cheating so I will just dry hump because that is not cheating. I need someone though to make me feel special. I will just put him up on the shelf for when I need him... or for when my husband truly f*cks up. That way it's his fault, not mine, when I cheat. Hope this helps hun. She has a hold on you and only you can let go. Thanks for the feedback. As far as her marriage, I really dont think she is a situation where she feels stuck and doesnt really want to be there. When we first started working together, it was strictly business and 'small family talk'..we became more friendly (and more comfortable) and it progressed into us being able to talk to each other about our love lives (with our partners..I had a gf at that time)..its not like shes in a loveless mariage w/ no intimacy..actually there is quite a bit. I guess the talk of everything we were doing with our partners really excited both of us and it led to us talking about how it would be with us. This escalated the sexual tension level WAY UP. It remained platonic for a while..and then one day we interacted. We have already crossed the line, and there has been much more than dry humping. I believe your last line to be very telling.
Emme Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I really dont think she is a situation where she feels stuck and doesnt really want to be there. Yes she is. Women who are deep in love don't even see other men. Other men are invisible.
East7 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Yes she is. Women who are deep in love don't even see other men. Other men are invisible. Wow, Emme, this is soooo beautiful ! I have always thought that women who cheat don't really love their husbands. I know how it is to have someone faithful. Had a 6 yrs LTR with a loving and trustful GF, she had a very strong personality and boundaries, she used to ignore and be distant with her male friends, it was like they didn't even exist. I was more friendly to them than her End of T/J. Joesmith, the trick is that it always starts like a careless fling but in the overwhelming majority of cases, you end up falling in love with that woman. Talking about sex with another woman will inevitably make you wonder how it can be with her, thus creating sexual desire. The same happens for her. It is called "anticipation" which is picturing having sex with someone, thus preparing your mental to step into the act. Women need anticipation more than men. Anyway, don't think it will be just a fling, you can't even imagine how far it can go ! And if you still have a GF, please don't do this to her for a married woman.
MorningCoffee Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I read your reply a few times, it really sums it up. And what you're "just sayin" is 100% correct. Im just not thinking clearly right now. Thanks ...What's fishing? Fishing happens when one or the other breaks NC by communicating "innocent" thoughts. Remember, not supposed to be having any contact, but one sends the other a thoughtful card, or email, or text. "Thinking of you." "Hope you're doing OK." "Have fun on that trip I remember you had planned." Whatever. An excuse that places oneself in the front of the other again. Often this leads to renewed contacts, which then progress along until -- voila! the affair is back on. (Oh, by the way, in my case, all these years later she is still in her M, not apparently any happier yet not apparently going anywhere either.)
Owl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So now that you've been enlightened what are you gonna do Joe? You've been hanging around me too much...I was about to ask this exact question!
BB07 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You've been hanging around me too much...I was about to ask this exact question! LOL........I wonder sometimes if anything that is ever said ever changes anyone's mind. Do you wonder about that?
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