hurley21 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. During that time I have been repeatedly screamed at on a monthly basis about 'how much I suck'. He was an abused child and so I have been there for him, trying to help him figure himself out and become a better person all this time. During that time, his monthly rants caused me to become this stressed out, neurotic person who was always trying to please him. I feel like I literally lost my identity, my soul even, within him. So, he dumped me two days ago and gave me a list of reasons why: 1. He doesn't like my need to have an answer. 2. He doesn't want to be around the military (we are both vets and I want to work on a base as a civilian employee) 3. We fight too much. 4. I won't make myself like video games and B movies as much as he does. 5. I sabotage good times. 6. I'm a downer b/c I get concerned over world and domestic events. 7. I bruise too easily. Not from him, just in general. 8. I don't stand up for myself. 9. I have to prove I'm right. 10. It is difficult for me to apologize. 11. I'm not energetic on the weekends (I go to university full time) 12. I correct his mistakes over pronunciation or facts while he talks 13. I'm a control freak, have to plan everything. 14. I am awkward in conversations with others. 15. I don't enjoy cleaning. 16. I am around him too much (i'm not with him 5 days out of the week) I am sure there were others, too. So, where to go from here. He told me he thinks that no guy would want to be with me because I will make them crazy and force them to yell at me. I don't know how to move forward. All I see in myself is a list of flaws that are literally ingrained in who I am as a person and yet, no one will want me because of who I am. Any thoughts?
Little_Bee Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 OMG, what a dick! LOL. Send him a thank you card for breaking up with you this minute! Now let's see a list of what YOU don't like about HIM. I think the idea with the thank you card is just great! You really should do it.
ASG Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Well, you were clearly in an abusive relationship, so be glad it's over. I know it's not easy to see things this way, but hopefully you will, in time. Don't let anyone tell you you're not worth anything or that noone will want you. Don't let yourself go down that dark road! No matter what he says, you have qualities and there will be plenty of people who will want to be with you. Maybe not him, but that's his loss, really, not yours. We all have flaws. It's a fact. They will be a turn off for some people, other will love us despite those flaws. You just need to not let yourself be struck down by his "list". Love yourself and others will love you too.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 You know what? It was a dick move but try to take something objective from it all. He presented you with a list of things and most are just things that seem normal in a relationship and he has some pretty high expectations for what he seems willing to put out. But some things are things that may be helpful to examine. Pick the ones that make sense and apply them. The things that are his responsibility, toss. And the things that are just specific and nuts, toss. There might be 3 or so things on the list that could use improving when you enter into a relationship with someone else. My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. During that time I have been repeatedly screamed at on a monthly basis about 'how much I suck'. He was an abused child and so I have been there for him, trying to help him figure himself out and become a better person all this time. ^^^This was not your job. He needs to figure that out himself and by allowing him to abuse you, you have actually done both him and yourself a disservice. Never allow anyone to abuse you and don't take on their baggage. They are adults with choices. You are an independent adult, leave therapy with the therapists. Check out 12 steps for Co-dependents. During that time, his monthly rants caused me to become this stressed out, neurotic person who was always trying to please him. I feel like I literally lost my identity, my soul even, within him. ^^^ Co-dependency. Do you have a history of abuse or neglect in your background that encouraged you to be with an abused man? Is it because you felt that you understood it? So, he dumped me two days ago and gave me a list of reasons why: 1. He doesn't like my need to have an answer. 2. He doesn't want to be around the military (we are both vets and I want to work on a base as a civilian employee) 3. We fight too much. (Because only one person is needed to have a fight, right? ) 4. I won't make myself like video games and B movies as much as he does. (This is a crucial skill to having a relationship. Dr. Phil is running a "like video games and B movies to save your relationship" Special next week for all of the wives. The previews look great. ) 5. I sabotage good times. 6. I'm a downer b/c I get concerned over world and domestic events. 7. I bruise too easily. Not from him, just in general. 8. I don't stand up for myself. (8+9 seem to be contradictory) 9. I have to prove I'm right. 10. It is difficult for me to apologize. 11. I'm not energetic on the weekends (I go to university full time) 12. I correct his mistakes over pronunciation or facts while he talks 13. I'm a control freak, have to plan everything. 14. I am awkward in conversations with others. 15. I don't enjoy cleaning. (Yes, you need to enjoy cleaning. ) 16. I am around him too much (i'm not with him 5 days out of the week) I am sure there were others, too. So, where to go from here. He told me he thinks that no guy would want to be with me because I will make them crazy and force them to yell at me. Because no man could ever stop himself from yelling because he is not responsible or in control of that, right? Thank goodness you didn't give him a cattle prod for Christmas. I don't know how to move forward. All I see in myself is a list of flaws that are literally ingrained in who I am as a person and yet, no one will want me because of who I am. Any thoughts? I think that he didn't send you a list of things that were his flaws and responsibilities. Was he as right as he wrote? If he was then pick the behavioural ones and peg them off one by one. For instance: if you sabotage good times, stop. And then figure out why. Do the cognitive change first and then the wisdom will come. Good luck OP. Read up on Boundaries: Where you end and I begin. Sounds like this relationship was a little unclear on boundaries.
Country_Girl Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 It's hard but try not to take it personally, dumpers are always looking for reasons to break off. In my opinion, he did you a favor, he may not be physically abusive, but he is clearly emotionally abusing you. That can be worse, because a bruise will fade but words stick for life. True love is about accepting another human being as imperfect as they are, and loving them anyway. It's about acceptance and not rejection. I would cut this guy out of your life, he sounds toxic.
TurboGirl Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This is one unhappy & miserable guy. What a nerve! He is emotionally abusive, you don't need that. Country Girl gave good advice. Chalk it up and move on. Please do not even acknowlede anything on that list he gave you. Only a total dick would do something like that. Be aware that he will try & get you back & manipulate you all over again. It is a vicious cycle with men like this. Stay away from him and work on your self esteem.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Only a total dick would do something like that. Be aware that he will try & get you back & manipulate you all over again. It is a vicious cycle with men like this. Stay away from him and work on your self esteem. This as well. Don't look at the list as things you should change to get back together with him, and only see it for things you might want to change if you agree with the assessment. It by far isn't gospel!
Hhhh Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 if those are your worst qualities... will you marry me?
Tybalt Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This is abusive behavior, true to form. There is never a need for yelling at someone you are supposed to love and respect and be committed to that they suck. And to give you a list of "reasons?" Mmm, that's nice. Why only shoot someone when you can also stab her with a knife and twist? My ex-husband was more subtle about it, but I assimilated his criticisms over the years... I had a malevolent world view, I was depressed, I was paranoid, I was weird for wanting sex to be an emotional as well as a physical experience with him, I was crazy for being suspicious of his behavior with other women (he had at least 8 affairs that I know about during our relationship), I didn't cook/fold clothes right... The list went on. What is important is to deprogram yourself from his statements about you. Relationships can really help us discover things about ourselves, but keep in mind the source of whatever feedback you receive. If it is from someone who cares about you and is offering constructive criticism out of love, then the information is worth considering. If it is from someone who historically demeans and devalues you, it should be dismissed. It is more about his misery and unhappiness that he feels a need to pick you apart. Rebuild your self esteem before you start looking at what you might need to work on. You cannot be objective about yourself coming right out of abuse.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 My ex and I had been together for 4.5 years. During that time I have been repeatedly screamed at on a monthly basis about 'how much I suck'. He was an abused child and so I have been there for him, trying to help him figure himself out and become a better person all this time. During that time, his monthly rants caused me to become this stressed out, neurotic person who was always trying to please him. I feel like I literally lost my identity, my soul even, within him. So, he dumped me two days ago and gave me a list of reasons why: 1. He doesn't like my need to have an answer. 2. He doesn't want to be around the military (we are both vets and I want to work on a base as a civilian employee) 3. We fight too much. 4. I won't make myself like video games and B movies as much as he does. 5. I sabotage good times. 6. I'm a downer b/c I get concerned over world and domestic events. 7. I bruise too easily. Not from him, just in general. 8. I don't stand up for myself. 9. I have to prove I'm right. 10. It is difficult for me to apologize. 11. I'm not energetic on the weekends (I go to university full time) 12. I correct his mistakes over pronunciation or facts while he talks 13. I'm a control freak, have to plan everything. 14. I am awkward in conversations with others. 15. I don't enjoy cleaning. 16. I am around him too much (i'm not with him 5 days out of the week) I am sure there were others, too. So, where to go from here. He told me he thinks that no guy would want to be with me because I will make them crazy and force them to yell at me. I don't know how to move forward. All I see in myself is a list of flaws that are literally ingrained in who I am as a person and yet, no one will want me because of who I am. Any thoughts? What you really do, is forget the specifics of the crap on this list. Understand that it is nothing beyond the cycle of abuse which has caused him to 'express' all of this venom in your direction. The truth is, you simply don't want to BE with somebody like him, and this list is best used as a list of reasons why you don't want to be with him. It is on him to get lots more help for the abuses he has suffered, and I supposed that, in a way, you have enabled him to keep abusing and manifested that cycle of abuse. What you really needed, was to get OUT of that helpless, hopeless situation. The specifics in the list itself are NOT at all important !!! (that's what you have to drum into your mind)
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This is abusive behavior, true to form. There is never a need for yelling at someone you are supposed to love and respect and be committed to that they suck. And to give you a list of "reasons?" Mmm, that's nice. Why only shoot someone when you can also stab her with a knife and twist? My ex-husband was more subtle about it, but I assimilated his criticisms over the years... I had a malevolent world view, I was depressed, I was paranoid, I was weird for wanting sex to be an emotional as well as a physical experience with him, I was crazy for being suspicious of his behavior with other women (he had at least 8 affairs that I know about during our relationship), I didn't cook/fold clothes right... The list went on. What is important is to deprogram yourself from his statements about you. Relationships can really help us discover things about ourselves, but keep in mind the source of whatever feedback you receive. If it is from someone who cares about you and is offering constructive criticism out of love, then the information is worth considering. If it is from someone who historically demeans and devalues you, it should be dismissed. It is more about his misery and unhappiness that he feels a need to pick you apart. Rebuild your self esteem before you start looking at what you might need to work on. You cannot be objective about yourself coming right out of abuse. I know this feeling so well. I am so sorry that you went through it, after my husband left I felt like I couldn't even make my daughter a meal without screwing it up.
citrusdrop1688 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 While it wasnt very nice of him to put everything out like that, especially when he was upset. But the truth of the matter is there are many aspects and personality defects that you can only see when you are in a relationship. Do you think that you do any of those things? The very fact that hes the one that broke up with you when he had been screaming about you sucking for years is a good reason to examine some aspects for yourself.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 There is one thing upon which your toxic ex and I agree: 8. I don't stand up for myself. I know little, but I'm pretty sure you've been putting up with crap from this guy for the whole time you've been together. Indeed, it sounds like a clearly abusive relationship. Coming from an abusive background does not excuse a person from being abusive themselves. I've learned that many of the worst victimizers were victims themselves. I understand that you wanted to help him and "be there for him" but next time, forget about stuff like that. You deserve to be with someone kind and who will be there for YOU. We all do.
highviolet Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Everyone has things they could improve upon. Him making your flaws as the sole reasons for him breaking up with you is manipulative. He is emotionally abusive, and he wants you to think you are crap and no one else will want you so that you will stay with him and take his abuse. Be glad he dumped you, work on yourself so these patterns do not repeat themselves in future relationships. I do think you can work on some of those things if they are truely flaws, but don't think for a second that it makes you worthless.
i11 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 What I wanna say to you is: leave him behind and find a shrink to treat you @immediately. And first of all: don't blame yourself anymore just based on what he accused you. Then I have to tell you, a troubled young man with abused childhood has always a lot of psychological issues, which would very likely to draw anyone close to them to nuts as well, for example you, especially when they get comfortable with you. Of the most importance, I think, is to get rid of him, for your own sake, then ask for help from professionals to get yourself to the normal life.
Author hurley21 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 I am having one of those epiphany moments right now. I realize that I have been completely unable to see outside of this relationship, outside of him, for so long. Almost everyone said that this relationship appears to be abusive and it was surprising to me- until I got done reading all the responses. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I guess the only problem now is that I am stuck in the same house with this guy until August. Time to be strong!
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I am having one of those epiphany moments right now. I realize that I have been completely unable to see outside of this relationship, outside of him, for so long. Almost everyone said that this relationship appears to be abusive and it was surprising to me- until I got done reading all the responses. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I guess the only problem now is that I am stuck in the same house with this guy until August. Time to be strong! I have a little phrase for this, it is hard to see the forest when you are smucked up against one tree.
johan Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It seems like he's the one with the main problems in the relationship. Nothing on his list of "fatal flaws" seems all that serious to me. Some of them are endearing even. But that's a list you could apply to 80% of the people you meet. Or one like it. Another way to look at it: if you could address every one of those "problems", you would be perfect in his eyes, presumably. But as things stand you're already too good for him.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It seems like he's the one with the main problems in the relationship. Nothing on his list of "fatal flaws" seems all that serious to me. Some of them are endearing even. But that's a list you could apply to 80% of the people you meet. Or one like it. Another way to look at it: if you could address every one of those "problems", you would be perfect in his eyes, presumably. But as things stand you're already too good for him. I always wonder with people who have "the list" what makes them think they deserve to get every item on it.
Tybalt Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 That is exactly what happened to me. After enough time with my ex-husband, I was allowing him to define me. I didn't know what he was doing was abusive at the time, either. Abusers "program" their targets by undermining and convincing you of your worthlessness. It is a way to exert control. I am very sorry you are forced to stay in the same house. I was literally trapped for 9 months after filing for divorce, myself. He would bring women home and sleep with them, had drug paraphernalia in the house, etc. It was the most tortuous period of my life, but the only way I could go was to leave my then 3 year old son there and I was unwilling to do this. My attorney at the time claimed he could do nothing to get us both out. If there is any way at all you can get out... I absolutely would. Try to spend as much time with the positive and affirming people in your life as you can. Support is key to getting through something like this.
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