elastica Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This post is about my friend. I am trying to help her and wondering how guys feel about this. So this friend of mine started seeing a guy (both are 33 years old) about 6 months ago. He suggested the official BF GF relationship soon, invited her to meet his parents and introduced her to his best friends family. BUT, although she did like him a lot, she wasn't ready/able to commit for personal reasons , so eventually she broke it off before it got too serious. However, she and the guy kept bumping into each other, and about a month after the "breakup" they ended up sleeping together again. And basically, it has happened about 5 times in the past 3 months. They have also been calling/texting each other a few times a week. My friend is absolutely sure that she wants to be him now. Her personal problems have been solved and she feels emotionally ready. The problem is, she doesn't know how to interpret the guy's interest. Because she rejected him previously, but he still kept showing interest. So my questions are: 1. Is he contacting her just because of sex, or because he is hoping to get together? What do you think? 2. The guy has been very caring and lovely recently, however, he is also actively seeking dates on online sites. Is this relevant in this particular situation, and if yes then how? Your comments are appreciated!
Mrlonelyone Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Is he contacting her because she gives him sex? YES. Is he being caring just because of sex? Possibly but not probably. He did take her seriously enough to introduce her to family and friends etc. So he did and likely still does care for her deeply. Then she turned around and dumped him. Which leads me to. What does his seeking online dates mean? He's keeping his options open. Which in a sense means he's not taking your friend as seriously because she's been known to flip out and dump him when she gets cold feet. He has to protect his feelings by not investing too much in a woman who's proven to be a flake before. Now everyone has a right to change their mind. Your friend is going to have to really work to gain his trust and emotional investment this time.
Author elastica Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Is he contacting her because she gives him sex? YES. Is he being caring just because of sex? Possibly but not probably. He did take her seriously enough to introduce her to family and friends etc. So he did and likely still does care for her deeply. Then she turned around and dumped him. Which leads me to. What does his seeking online dates mean? He's keeping his options open. Which in a sense means he's not taking your friend as seriously because she's been known to flip out and dump him when she gets cold feet. He has to protect his feelings by not investing too much in a woman who's proven to be a flake before. Now everyone has a right to change their mind. Your friend is going to have to really work to gain his trust and emotional investment this time. Okay (and I absolutely agree with you!), any ideas on what she should do? Oh and I forgot to mention she is extremely shy and basically thinks like this: he asked me once, so if he likes me, he will ask me again... Which is wrong of course, and I don't even think it is possible for a guy to do it. And I know it sounds bad but she is truly not a self-important person and is just making excuses to avoid talking. Should she be extra nice and caring? Make plans with him, suggest dates? Or should I encourage her to get herself together and talk to him?
Hules Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 So this friend of mine started seeing a guy (both are 33 years old) about 6 months ago. He suggested the official BF GF relationship soon, invited her to meet his parents and introduced her to his best friends family. BUT, although she did like him a lot, she wasn't ready/able to commit for personal reasons , so eventually she broke it off before it got too serious. My last ex did this to me and I tell you it hurt like a bitch I felt embarrassed, humiliated that I had introduced her to the closest people in my life and extremely hurt. Oh and I forgot to mention she is extremely shy and basically thinks like this: he asked me once, so if he likes me, he will ask me again... Which is wrong of course, and I don't even think it is possible for a guy to do it. And I know it sounds bad but she is truly not a self-important person and is just making excuses to avoid talking. Should she be extra nice and caring? Make plans with him, suggest dates? Or should I encourage her to get herself together and talk to him? I believe my ex thinks this way as well (she is extremely shy), and from what I've been hearing through the grape vines it seems she is hoping that I will come around eventually. I will not though, if there is to be any reconciliation it has to come from her I am simply respecting her wishes. The only way I would even consider having anything to do with her is if she was to admit she made a terrible mistake and sit down with me and explain wtf happened and how we could work to avoid it happening again. Even then I would still be unsure and it would take a lot of work before I could trust her again and let my guard down. This guy is protecting his heart and rightly so.
Author elastica Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 My last ex did this to me and I tell you it hurt like a bitch I felt embarrassed, humiliated that I had introduced her to the closest people in my life and extremely hurt. I believe my ex thinks this way as well (she is extremely shy), and from what I've been hearing through the grape vines it seems she is hoping that I will come around eventually. I will not though, if there is to be any reconciliation it has to come from her I am simply respecting her wishes. The only way I would even consider having anything to do with her is if she was to admit she made a terrible mistake and sit down with me and explain wtf happened and how we could work to avoid it happening again. Even then I would still be unsure and it would take a lot of work before I could trust her again and let my guard down. This guy is protecting his heart and rightly so. Thanks Hules. So talking and explaining her intentions would be the 1st thing she should do. What about the other things, like being extra nice and caring? Would that make you bring up the thing again or start a converstaion about getting back together? I am asking this because you said your girlfriend was also very shy. By the way I am sorry to hear what happened.
Hules Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) Thanks Hules. So talking and explaining her intentions would be the 1st thing she should do. What about the other things, like being extra nice and caring? Would that make you bring up the thing again or start a converstaion about getting back together? I am asking this because you said your girlfriend was also very shy. By the way I am sorry to hear what happened. It's ok I'm over it now (for the most part). Well I don't know all the specifics of your friends situation, so I will tell you what my ex would need to do in order to get me back (maybe). First she would need to put herself in a vulnerable situation. By this I mean I would not resume contact with my ex unless she expressed something a long the lines of the following. "Hules, I have been thinking about us recently and realise I made a terrible mistake in throwing away what we had. I would like a second chance, if you feel that you could forgive me I would like to talk to you about what happened and work towards making things right." Anything less than that and I would think she was been insincere and screwing with my feelings. I won't sugar coat it theres a really good chance she could get out right rejected. I would need time to think it through and decide whether I am willing to risk having my heart put through the blender again. I would say call him to tell him this. But when I think about it I know I wouldn't answer a phone call from her because I don't know whats she going to say and whether shes just screwing with me. She would need to give me time to think about it. If she bugged me for an answer I would honestly probably tell her to **** off. If after having thought about it I would let her know how I feel, if I felt that a second chance is a option I would suggest meeting in person to talk about it. She would then need to tell me what her personal issues were that caused her to run away in the first place. What we could do to prevent this happening again etc. (One of the most hurtful things about our breakup was that I could tell she had some personal issues going on, I was more than willing to try and work with her on them. But she decided for both of us that it wasn't worth it, blindsided me, cut and run. I had no voice, I had no say, it hurt like hell). Then after that I guess would be the start of a "new" relationship. That means getting to know each other again, building trust, she would need to understand that it may take me a lot longer to trust her again. I want the girl I fell in love with so I don't suggest telling your friend to be extra nice and caring, just be herself. However she will need to be open and honest with her feelings with him. This is all hypothetical, your friend is going to have to be willing to put her heart on the line. No games, no bull**** if I even got the slightest sense she wasn't been honest with me I would drop her like a bad habit. Hope this helps Edited April 4, 2011 by Hules
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