Why is unexplored relationship making me so miserable?

[justnotthere]

I took a job 1000 miles away. About two weeks later, I met a girl... We met through a mutual activity, and saw each other 15-20 times over the next 6 weeks before I moved to start the new job. We flirted and got to know each other reasonably well over that time. She was aggressive, and made it loud and clear that she was into me. She turned out to be by far the most amazing woman I've ever met no exaggeration, and I've done my fair share of dating. I became extremely infatuated with her, but I restrained myself because I didn't want to get involved right before moving. When it was time for me to leave... I did I don't think she knew I was moving. She never asked and I never brought it up. We haven't talked since I left.

 

Given the exceptionally awful timing and circumstances, this was extremely frustrating for me. There was a huge amount of interest on both sides and I didn't let anything happen. It made me feel really anxious leaving this relationship unexplored, but I'm a rather rational person and at the time it seemed best to move on with my life.

 

I felt bad when I first moved but that was nothing compared to how I'm feeling now. I moved in late-December so I've been gone over 3 months. Right now I'm ridden with anxiety and feel completely despondent. I don't feel like doing anything. I've never felt this awful in my life In the past, I've always been a really upbeat and social guy. Some past breakups were tough, where I felt down for maybe a month. But never even close to what I'm going through right now... which seems ridiculous as we weren't even together and didn't do anything sexual.

 

Keeping contact with her seems like torture. That's why I haven't contacted her since I left. I've contemplated sending her a text such as "do me a big favor. tell me that you hate me". But that will strike out any future possibility, so I'm hesitant. I'm age 25 so I'm not as financially free as I will be in a few years.

 

What do you suggest I do? I've been on a few dates recently but felt totally out of it. I've tried not thinking about her and moving on, but that didn't work. This is plaguing my mind and making me miserable

[Duckduckgoose]

Well you brought that one on yourself by getting involved with someone when you knew you would be moving. Yeah it hurts and sucks... but imagine how the girl feels... she started seeing you and then you up and leave without even telling her!

 

She probably thinks her butt is too big now, or she's got buck teeth, bad breath, too fat, boring... whatever... that you would leave like that without even saying goodbye.

 

Sounds like you got some guilt, and some "what might've beens". Let it go, she's far away, you blew your chance. Good thing is hopefully you learned from what you did and won't **** up when you meet another nice girl.

[NXS]

Did you tell her you were leaving or just leave?

 

Do you have her email/FB?

[justnotthere]

Well you brought that one on yourself by getting involved with someone when you knew you would be moving. Yeah it hurts and sucks... but imagine how the girl feels... she started seeing you and then you up and leave without even telling her!

 

She probably thinks her butt is too big now, or she's got buck teeth, bad breath, too fat, boring... whatever... that you would leave like that without even saying goodbye.

 

I'm not sure how you're using the phrases "getting involved" and "she started seeing you". To clarify, we didn't go on any dates or anything. We were more in the acquaintance phase.

 

Also, something I didn't mention in the OP... the "mutual activity" that brought us together was also ending at the same time that I left. So the end outcome was the same as if I simply hadn't asked her out and hadn't moved. It's possible that she still doesn't know that I'm gone. We did say "bye" since it was the end of the "mutual activity".

 

Sorry if that caused confusion.

 

Sounds like you got some guilt, and some "what might've beens". Let it go, she's far away, you blew your chance. Good thing is hopefully you learned from what you did and won't **** up when you meet another nice girl.

 

Through rational thinking I'm able to come to terms with what happened, however the emotional side of me is still in turmoil. This is where I have been stuck, and I feel that things have only gotten worse in these 3 months. Do you have any suggestions?

[justnotthere]

Did you tell her you were leaving or just leave?

 

Like I said in the OP-- it never came up so I did not tell her. See my above response for details that I left out of the OP.

 

Do you have her email/FB?

 

I don't have FB. I DO have her cell number and email.

[NXS]

Well I take it that she didn't try and contact you either so I don't see anything for you to feel bad about. The activity ended and you both said your goodbyes.

 

You could try and email her letting her know what you're up to now and maybe discuss some of the activities you both did and how you enjoyed her company. Also that you'd like to meet her again and miss her.

 

I wouldn't get into telling her how much you miss her, it'll come across as too much.

 

Don't send that text either it just sounds a bit ott and she won't know how to respond.

[justnotthere]

Well I take it that she didn't try and contact you either so I don't see anything for you to feel bad about. The activity ended and you both said your goodbyes.

 

You could try and email her letting her know what you're up to now and maybe discuss some of the activities you both did and how you enjoyed her company. Also that you'd like to meet her again and miss her.

 

I wouldn't get into telling her how much you miss her, it'll come across as too much.

 

Don't send that text either it just sounds a bit ott and she won't know how to respond.

 

Could you expand a little on why you think emailing her would help and where you see it going? (Since I'm so far away now.) I just want to understand where you're coming from. I'd rather not go into this swinging in the dark.

 

I agree with you. I don't intend on making any sort of confession when/if I contact her.

[NXS]

Could you expand a little on why you think emailing her would help and where you see it going? (Since I'm so far away now.) I just want to understand where you're coming from. I'd rather not go into this swinging in the dark.

 

I agree with you. I don't intend on making any sort of confession when/if I contact her.

 

Well I'm not really into texting because they are too short and words get lost in translation. That's just my opionion if it works for you then go ahead. You are coming across as very emotional about this and you don't want to show her how 'needy' you're feeling now. You could try and give her a call if you think you can pull it off.

 

As for where it's going well who knows?? It's not very clear from your posts where exactly you two are at or how she sees it. Also you haven't talked in 3 months and are living 1000 miles apart so it really comes down to how much she misses you and whether or not you are now a distant memory or if she still thinks about you a lot. This is really what you need to find out but you can't just directly ask because she's not going to just blurt it out. So I would suggest talking about some of the stuff you both did followed by some flirting and joking and tell her you miss her and see what kind of response you get.

[NXS]

Justnotthere, I'd also like to add that I think your move has accentuated your feelings. You haven't emotionally adapted to your new place, it's not easy to pick up and move a 1000 miles to a new place with, I assume, no friends or family around.

 

Having a text/phone/email connection with her is not really going to relieve that feeling of disconnect. You said you're normally a social guy but it's not easy to just start again from scratch, however if you've done it before then you can do it again or maybe think about moving back.

 

Give it some consideration.

[Trovador]

Well, not keeping contact is also a torture so I wonder why have you distanced so drastically of this person, who seemed a very special one...

 

I lived something like that a long time ago... she left for another country... oh, gosh, if I had her adress or email!

[WTRanger]

It's not the relationship or the what if from the potential relationship that's got you down. It's guilt. Plain and simple. Checking out of someone's life just isn't a choice a rational human can make. It may seem easy at the time, but it eats you from the core.

 

You don't want to contact her because you don't want to hear the pain you've caused her. It has nothing to do with the feelings, with the exception that you know you hurt someone that you cared about and that person cared about you. You are avoiding your actions, thus not assuaging your guilt, thus keeping you in a perpetual state of self-inflicted Karma.

 

Not wanting to at least acknowledge that what you did was borderline scummy shows that you are absolutely avoiding the core issue. You can't simply check out of someone's life, then check back in acting like nothing is wrong. You laid a turd in the punchbowl, you've got to fish it out.

[justnotthere]

Ok. In the interest of privacy (and brevity), I left some details out of the OP. But now this is really bothering me and I just want to get this handled. So here we go:

 

1) She was an undergraduate and I was her graduate student TA for a class. Yes, part of why I didn't want to get involved was because I was graduating and moving. But the bigger reason was because getting involved would've been against policy. I was in the position of responsibility and I was unwilling to take the risk.

 

2) A day after grades were submitted, I emailed her with my cell number and told her to call me. Really late that night, she called me but I was asleep (doh!). The following evening I called her, she didn't pick up, I didn't leave a message. The next day, I texted her and asked her if she was still on campus. She never responded. That was the last communication between us. I didn't try again because after two attempts with no response, I felt it would've been intrusive to try again. (Was that too passive??) Besides I was leaving in a few days.

 

My interpretation of what happened... It was the end of the semester and holiday season so I suspect she had already went home to spend it with her family. If that's true, she would've had no positive response to my text so she didn't bother. It would've been more natural to pick it back up when we were both on campus after the holiday break (her perspective).

 

I would be blown away if I misread her signals and she was not actually interested. Right up until the end of the semester, she was doing things that made it pretty unmistakable that she was into me. She did everything short of throw herself onto me and start kissing me. And no, she wasn't trying to use me to boost her grade. She was one of the top students in the class and didn't need my help acing it.

 

It's all out on the table now. Please help me out. What do you make of this situation?

[justnotthere]

Justnotthere, I'd also like to add that I think your move has accentuated your feelings. You haven't emotionally adapted to your new place, it's not easy to pick up and move a 1000 miles to a new place with, I assume, no friends or family around.

 

Having a text/phone/email connection with her is not really going to relieve that feeling of disconnect. You said you're normally a social guy but it's not easy to just start again from scratch, however if you've done it before then you can do it again or maybe think about moving back.

 

Give it some consideration.

 

I agree that the move likely accentuated things. When I got here, I had no friends or family here. So far I've made friends with coworkers. I've also done a little dating. Definitely a change of pace.

 

I'm hesitant to email because it's hard for me to see anything positive coming from it. In the best case scenario, I think it would turn into an LDR. She is stuck where she is for at least another year. I just moved here and am not as financially free as I will be in a few years. I'd need to find a job if I were to move back.

[justnotthere]

Well, not keeping contact is also a torture so I wonder why have you distanced so drastically of this person, who seemed a very special one...

 

I lived something like that a long time ago... she left for another country... oh, gosh, if I had her adress or email!

 

You bring up an interesting point. I think it is caused by fear. Fear that, due to current circumstances (distance), it would not work out.

 

There is risk in acting now. There is also risk in waiting a few years when I'm in a more financially free position. I don't claim to have the foresight to evaluate those two risks, but I'm leaning toward waiting. What do you think?

[justnotthere]

It's not the relationship or the what if from the potential relationship that's got you down. It's guilt. Plain and simple. Checking out of someone's life just isn't a choice a rational human can make. It may seem easy at the time, but it eats you from the core.

 

You don't want to contact her because you don't want to hear the pain you've caused her. It has nothing to do with the feelings, with the exception that you know you hurt someone that you cared about and that person cared about you. You are avoiding your actions, thus not assuaging your guilt, thus keeping you in a perpetual state of self-inflicted Karma.

 

Not wanting to at least acknowledge that what you did was borderline scummy shows that you are absolutely avoiding the core issue. You can't simply check out of someone's life, then check back in acting like nothing is wrong. You laid a turd in the punchbowl, you've got to fish it out.

 

Taking into account what I wrote in post #12, do you feel the same way?

[Dust]

I was once in the same situation as you. Unlike you I told the girl I was moving right away. We had sex, had good times. When I moved we talked on the phone a lot at first. After a few months or so we completely stopped talking.

 

You were really dishonest by not telling her about moving. Even though she never asked “hey do you happen to be moving far away” you should have still brought it up and told her if you cared.

[justnotthere]

I was once in the same situation as you. Unlike you I told the girl I was moving right away. We had sex, had good times.

 

In post #12, you see that 2nd bullet? I tried

 

When I moved we talked on the phone a lot at first. After a few months or so we completely stopped talking.

 

You were really dishonest by not telling her about moving. Even though she never asked “hey do you happen to be moving far away” you should have still brought it up and told her if you cared.

 

I planned on telling her after the semester was over, but that plan clearly went to hell. If you were in my situation now, would you do anything?

[WTRanger]

Yes, I feel the same way. You can do 1,000 posts like post 12 and I'll still say what you did was something you cannot do.

 

It doesn't matter if she didn't ask. Why would she ask? Did she even have a clue you were looking for work, therefore at least ask the question? You call but don't leave a message (which is weak in itself), then try one more text. You tried just enough to you could sleep that night. If you really gave a crap, you'd have tried a few more times. Then you assume it's okay to just disappear? Honestly, it sounds like you sabotaged it before you left so you could convince yourself that she was the one who was checking out.

 

As I said before, it's not the relationship itself. It's the guilt. You are human, and you have emotions and that little burning thing in your head. That's your conscious. You can spend the rest of your life trying to rationalize this, or you can just accept it for how it happened and be at peace with it.

[justnotthere]

Yes, I feel the same way. You can do 1,000 posts like post 12 and I'll still say what you did was something you cannot do.

 

It doesn't matter if she didn't ask. Why would she ask? Did she even have a clue you were looking for work, therefore at least ask the question? You call but don't leave a message (which is weak in itself), then try one more text. You tried just enough to you could sleep that night. If you really gave a crap, you'd have tried a few more times. Then you assume it's okay to just disappear? Honestly, it sounds like you sabotaged it before you left so you could convince yourself that she was the one who was checking out.

 

As I said before, it's not the relationship itself. It's the guilt. You are human, and you have emotions and that little burning thing in your head. That's your conscious. You can spend the rest of your life trying to rationalize this, or you can just accept it for how it happened and be at peace with it.

 

No, I wasn't expecting her to ask. I never told her I was looking for work. I don't know if she knew that I was potentially graduating. Given our relationship it felt more natural to take care of this after the semester ended, and obviously that was a poor decision on my part.

 

I did give a crap. Apparently I am completely uncalibrated, and in the moment I couldn't tell the difference between harassment/stalking and actually caring about what happened. Now in hindsight it's obvious to me. You can call it 'convincing yourself', I'd call it 'lack of awareness'. That is why I left and was able to deal with it.

 

It was the relationship. I know what guilt is. Now I feel like a d-bag. If the guilt wasn't there before, it is now. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW I really ****ed this up

[Graceful]

Taking into account what I wrote in post #12, do you feel the same way?

 

You already know you acted very irresponsibly and immaturely on more than one level, and I am inclined to say that this ship has sailed, and you need to suck it up.

 

You (almost) crossed a policy line in your job, and you utterly and completely bailed (and were not full on honest) on someone you now claim to have feelings for, and regret what you did. I have to say, that's on you, and you have to search your soul on that one, because that was truly irresponsible on all levels and shows a bit of a shallow character on your part. Sorry, perhaps now you will grow from this experience and this test of your character.

 

You're making a lot of inferences into her behavior. You don't know if she flirts with lots of men, or if she flirted with you b/c she really meant it, since you don't really know her. You don't know why she did not respond to either of your attempts to make contact, but I'd say, if she had the crush on you that you think she had, she would have responded, and been pretty darn excited about it.

 

Also, since you were not forthcoming, did it occur to you that she thought that she would run into you again on campus or be able to find you after the holiday break? She had no idea you were moving 1,000 miles away, so she may have made an assumption that you would be around, and that's only logical on her part.

 

I am sorry, but you really blew it. She's an undergrad, she's young, and there's no telling how serious she is about getting into a relationship with you or anyone.

 

You goofed and you have to let it go and learn from your mistake. If your guilt is eating you alive, the only recourse you have is to call her (no text messages, that's tacky) to explain your behavior. You could say that you underestimated your own feelings and regret that you weren't honest, even though it was very unlikely you could have a LDR with 1,000 miles between you (and this is very, very true).

 

You reap what you sow. You can stick your neck out and try calling her, but if she rebuffs you, that is something you'll have to live with. If not, you have to think very clearly as to WHY you are making contact with her and what you want that contact to be about. I mean, what do you really want from her from 1,000 miles away --- realistically? mmmmmm. Do you even know?

[NXS]

 

1) She was an undergraduate and I was her graduate student TA

 

 

What is that? (I'm not from the US)

[WTRanger]

What is that? (I'm not from the US)

 

She was getting her bachelors (or associates) degree and he was either getting a masters or PhD.

 

So first 4 (or 6) years at college or university are getting your bachelors degree so you are an undergrad.

 

If you decided to further pursue your education and get a masters or Phd then you are a graduate student.

 

The TA is a teaching assistant, and you usually teach study labs or something similar and grade papers for a professor at the university. So he (the OP) was in a position of power over the girl in the fact that he could change her grade based on if she did sexual things for her. Generally at any university, it's not expressly forbidden to date your students if you are a TA but it is HIGHLY looked down upon. Thus, leading to the OP's initial confusion.

[Dust]

There’s no way around it you should have told her. If you want to give it a try call her up. Tell her everything and say I should have told you, I was selfish and trying to protect myself by pretending things didn’t matter. Don’t try to defend not telling her with you never asked or what ever. Just say you regret doing things the way you did but realize that she is very special to you. Make plans to see her again either you visit her or she visits you. The best would be if you offer to fly her out to see you in the near future for a week or more like this May (summer)

 

Good luck, this probably wouldn’t have worked out even if you had done things differently but go ahead and give it your best shot now. Good luck.

[NXS]

She was getting her bachelors (or associates) degree and he was either getting a masters or PhD.

 

So first 4 (or 6) years at college or university are getting your bachelors degree so you are an undergrad.

 

If you decided to further pursue your education and get a masters or Phd then you are a graduate student.

 

The TA is a teaching assistant, and you usually teach study labs or something similar and grade papers for a professor at the university. So he (the OP) was in a position of power over the girl in the fact that he could change her grade based on if she did sexual things for her. Generally at any university, it's not expressly forbidden to date your students if you are a TA but it is HIGHLY looked down upon. Thus, leading to the OP's initial confusion.

 

Thanks WT, it looks to me like she was playing him so or maybe had a crush on an 'authority figure' rather than a genuine love interest.

 

When the dynamic changed at the end of the year she didn't reply to his call/text.

[justnotthere]

There’s no way around it you should have told her. If you want to give it a try call her up. Tell her everything and say I should have told you, I was selfish and trying to protect myself by pretending things didn’t matter. Don’t try to defend not telling her with you never asked or what ever. Just say you regret doing things the way you did but realize that she is very special to you. Make plans to see her again either you visit her or she visits you. The best would be if you offer to fly her out to see you in the near future for a week or more like this May (summer)

 

Good luck, this probably wouldn’t have worked out even if you had done things differently but go ahead and give it your best shot now. Good luck.

 

Thanks. I slept on this for a few days. No easy decision, there are pros and cons to both sides. But I decided that I'm going to call her. I'll probably aim for something like what you suggested here. I'm actually heading back to her area in a few weeks anyway, so that could be a key opportunity. If we get together then and it goes well, she'd be more receptive to me flying her out here for a week. At this point, I'm not expecting anything, but we shall see...