1baddc5 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hi all, I've run out of options, so I've decided to just get advice from strangers on the internet I'll try to keep it short... I'm not sure if this is technically a break up, but it sure as hell feels like it. Me: 22 year old male... Just about to graduate college... basically I'm young, dumb, and like to have fun Her: 29 year old, divorced twice (first time she was cheated on, second time she wasn't happy and didn't like the way the kids father was treating her (hit her a couple of times, talked down to her, just a ****ty person)), she has a 6 year old daughter It all started about 8 months ago... basically I was just getting out of depression from my previous relationship, so I was NOT looking forward to anything serious. I was selling my motorcycle, and some chick inquired about it via text. Well turned out she couldn't buy the bike, but we really hit it off and kept talking... and talking... and talking... (all via texting) for 2 weeks straight every day. Then we hung out, and had a great time. Second time we hung out we ended up having sex. So we did it again, and again. We then talked about it, and we came to agreement that we were only going to be friends with benefits... because we both enjoyed the sex but neither wanted anything serious. We agreed that we'd only have sex with each other, and if we did do anything with anyone else, we'd break it off. I partially just had a wall up from my previous breakup and I didn't want to go through that again, and she had gone through the divorce recently. So we did that for about 7 months... sometimes we'd hang out 4 days in a row... we took trips out to Chicago a couple of times, and spent the night... just the two of us. Basically had a fantastic time with her. The best part is that me and her are so much alike that it's creepy. We call each other twins. We have the same interests... very similar personalities, and just work well together in general... both stubborn as well. I feel like I can be myself around her no matter what and she'd accept me. I love laughing, and it seems like that's all we do when were together. The sex was amazing, and we had a lot of chemistry. She's also a very giving person... I mean she will go out of her way to help others, especially me. She does not lie, and is very faithful. All qualities I look forward to. About 2 weeks ago, she sends me a text and says "what would you do if I told you I liked someone else". So we began talking about it and I found out she has interest in another guy. At this point I realized that I actually had feelings for her. I'm not sure if the were brought up due to my jealousy because there was another guy involved or what, but I realized that I didn't want to loose her. I told her this, and she pretty much broke down and told me that she's liked me this entire time, and has been waiting for me to change my mind and be more than just friends with benefits, but since I didn't do those things, and that I was not an option that she started liking someone else. But she said that she'd be with me in a heartbeat over this other guy. So for the past week or so we've been just beating this to death... but basically she wants someone serious and she's sick of being alone... and I'm not sure I want to be in a serious relationship... she'd told me that she loves me. She's had it very rough, and she crys every day... she's left work a couple of time... all signs of being genuinely hurt. I know because I was in the position about a year ago. My personal stance is that I don't feel like I'm ready for something serious right now. I can't figure out if it's because I put up a wall due to my previous relationship (which I was badly hurt from... I was in depression for a while), or if I just can't see myself with this girl for a long time. It feels like she has a lot of baggage, but handles it fine. I'm not too concerned with the divorces... to me they're just like relationships but with a fancy status. However, she does have a 6yr old kid, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be a father... and I have no idea how I'd handle being a adult figure in that child's life. She also has health issue... she beat cancer, but still has other issues... which is another thing that worries me. It's a lot of pressure on a 22year old kid, and it feels like I may be rushed to grow up. My whole life theory is to enjoy being a kid as long as I can. I also wonder if I can do better... I have a lot of things to experience, and I'm still growing as a person. I'm just finishing up college, and getting out into the real world more and more... so getting very serious is out of comfort zone. I also, think about other girls... When I'm with this chick, I notice other girls, and wonder, what if I had a chance with her.... Looks are also important to me as well... she has a banging body. However, something that I always look for in a girl is that I have to be attracted to her face, and with this girl... it's a 50/50. The weird thing is that I don't have a type... it's just certain girls faces attract me, while other don't... and I've never been able to figure it out. There are girls that everyone else considers gorgeous, and I disagree because of their face, and the opposite too where all my friends think a girl is not very good looking, but I am definitely attracted just because of her face... so basically this is something that is important to me... I feel shallow for thinking this way, but I seem to be prewired for it. Also, this other guy just really throws a wedge in this whole thing. In my mind, if she likes someone else, it really bothers me. But then again, I kept reminding her during the first 7 months that we could not catch feelings towards each other, so she never felt like she could tell me the truth about her feelings for me. She liked having me in her life because I filled a void from her divorce... so if she told me she had feeling for me, she was afraid that I would stop talking to her. Apparently I helped her through some tough times just by hanging out with her, and keeping her mind off things. She says that she's already comparing this guy to me, and he stands no chance... but I'm not really sure what her intentions are with him. I know she is attracted to him, and she wants a relationship, and he likes her... On the other hand, I see this amazing person, and it would kill me to look back and realize I missed an opportunity with her, because I am genuinely happy when around her. She's a very loving person, successful, and a joy to be around. I'm just torn about what I want to do... and I've told her not to wait around for me, because I don't want her in that position. I want her to move on with her life, because I may realize that I do not want to be with her. I've thought about just going with it, and trying to start slow and see where we end up, but it seems like if we got into a relationship, and I wasn't ready, that it would not work out well. I don't want to hurt her worse then she already is. Plus I want to stay friends with her after this is all over. Tonight we've agreed that we're going to try NC. I think it's the best thing for her because she might get the wrong signals from me, and I don't want to lead her on. She also can't move on if she's in contact with me constantly. Maybe I'll realize what I want during this time as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... I just feel terrible for her, because I know her heart is broken and it's because of me. She'd told me that this is the hardest thing she's ever done, it's worse than her divorces. It's really hard because we've talked EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 8 months for pretty much the entire day... so we're used to having each other in our lives. I just want to make it as easy as possible for her because she's the one heart broken, and I feel fine for the most part, just really hurt and I don't want to loose my best friend, and an opportunity that might only come around once. What are your suggestions, and/or thoughts about my situation? Anyone dealt with something similar? I appreciate your time, and anything you may have to add... Thank you.
Mcnulty Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Sounds like you've met her too soon in your life. You do sound like a young 22 year old. looks are important to you and you think you may be able to do better....she has baggage, (as you call it), by having a child and it sounds like she's been through a lot in 29 years already, For both of you it sounds best to stay in NC, let her move on and you follow your path separately.
Author 1baddc5 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 What sucks is that she's like my twin. I never met a person like her. A big part of me is willing to settle down. I mean she still goes out and has fun, and I know I'd still be able to do my own thing as well.
Author 1baddc5 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Regardless of what everyone has told me, and what I planned on doing... I keep going back to the same thought... Why not just give it a shot, and try it out slow. I don't want to live with any regrets. I can already feel a downward spiral, and today I had a very hard time focusing. She's all I could think about.
butterfly2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I am 36 years old and I let my best friend go and you know what......? I regret it. You should just give it a shot and see how it goes..... Best Friends are hard to find. Just be you and let her be her.... and things should work out fine. Sounds like you found a great relationship.... I wouldnt let that go.
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