lightoftruth83 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This is sort of an epilogue, or sequel to Cupcakes & Tequila. It's the what happens after what happened lol. We've been separated now for going on six months. There's a strange peaceful rhythm emerging from the way things are. For five of the last almost six months our son has been living solely with me. (Stbx originally moved out on the pretenses of a separation, which didn't work either...he had an efficiency apt and couldn't keep our son overnight.) Stbx would see him randomly at best, and then gradually a little more regularly...usually just for a few hours and usually out to eat and out to WalMart. (Now my kid knows where things are at WalMart better than I do lol). Just last weekend Stbx got a bigger place and I sent our son to stay overnight. I bawled like a baby, and kiddo wiped my face saying, "No tears Mommy!" I rallied when he ran out the door and said, "Bye now Mommy, I'm going to my Daddy's!" I fell apart again when he tripped in the driveway, x scolded him, and he cried, "I don't wanna go to Daddy's, I wanna be Home with you Mommy!" And it broke my heart when he wouldn't even look at me from his carseat, and then at the last second, he picked his head up and made the sign language "I LOVE YOU" with his little hand. Well, the weekend went...that's about the best I can say for it. I hope this gets easier. X is in part a very odd person, someone who I can't entirely trust, and so it becomes unnatural for me to trust him with our son. There is no party from here on out. There is a court-ordered parenting class in two weeks, and a final hearing in six weeks. And a life to carve out. Mostly I think about kiddo, keeping things stable, structured, fun and full of love. I think about dating from time to time but there are parts of me that are pretty screwed up from all of this. In a conversation about dating that I had with my mom last week I likened the human heart to a valuable piece of real estate. I said, "You have to be careful what kind of investors you let onto your property, and the developments they make need to be good ones. Cuz, if it fails, not only is there a massive property cleanup to be done, but you'll need to consider any damage done to the value of that property and what kind of reinvestment it will cost you personally to repair the damages." Maybe I'll fall in love again, maybe I'll end up with the four kids I once dreamed of...maybe I won't. So, it might or might not be love everafter, but it's a wonderful life everafter! Peace & Love J
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Just a sidenote about kiddo...at 3 1/2 he seems to be rolling with the punches. He talks to his dad by phone everyday and has started talking excitedly about when he will go to his dad's house next...I'm happy that he can cope. I watch carefully for any signs of instability or emotional strain on him. Yeah, he's a pretty big deal in my life; drive me crazy make me screaming mad keep me exhausted...but the joy of my heart. He makes me laugh, teaches ME about life and has made all the pain just a drop in the bucket.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Its very good that you are focusing on your son during this time, he is what's important. One day at a time for the rest of the emotional mess, you never know one day you might have those 4 kids you always wanted... and more!
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