Not going to marry or cohabitate - struggling with boundaries, intensity

[laura4848]

I was with a man for 20yrs, divorced a yr ago, have 3 awesome boys(7yo, twins that are 5yo). I met an amazing man(he's 45yo, I'm 40yo) a few months after filing and we have now been together 1.5yrs. His ex cheated on him, was devastated - they had 2 boys, 14 and 12yo. We had an immediate connection both on the feelings from our divorces and the physical connection is like nothing I have ever experienced! Love him to pieces and know he is fully committed, monogamous with me(me as well).

 

On the money front, I make $200k a yr working in pharmaceuticals, yet have a "deadbeat" ex who owes me lots of $ so it still is difficult for me to grasp that I basically am fully responsible financially for these kids for the next 20yrs. BF is basically a trustfund baby, who makes just enuff to cover his kids costs, his very 'selfish' lifestyle($10k on golf membership, many boys trips, Masters this weekend that will cost a few grand, etc.) I have been VERY VERY generous with gifts($150 cigars that he loves, $200 jeans, redoing his bathroom, spent probably 700 at xmas) etc bc I THOUGHT he was essenstially broke. He is I would say overall he is "average" with money when we go out(he usually pays, we sometimes "go dutch") but in the end, he will not be "funding" anything for me, because we decided not to marry for the sake of ALL of the kids and basically hover in this....non-marriage, no cohabitating, yet committed space that frankly I am struggling with overall.

 

We had 2 blow-ups in the past 3 months - 1st one was "we need a break" next was "i dont think we gonna make it long term." We seemd to work out everything but I am still unsettled by the definitiveness of his comments, as well as his committment to me. So here's the rub at this point in time that Im seeking advice on....

 

I sold my house, decided even if we implode this neighborhood is great for my boys. BF rents as well post divorce and lives 2 miles from me. His ex is a realtor....he apparently got some of his trust money to now put a down payment on a condo here to buy. He told our mutual friends a few mos ago that he was "in the market for a place" but of course, didnt tell me. Now he tells me a few days ago, I am working with my ex as the realtor and likely gonna buy a place. I was frustrated that he didnt include me in the decision...just showed me pics on-line and says hes gonna make an offer! This 1st brings up jealousy for me, bc I am upset I cant buy....and that he can which is true and vented that to him. Second, he is seeing the place again today with his boys to get THEIR opinion.......but didnt ask me to see it with his ex, his boys bc he thinks it would be WEIRD for the boys!!!!! I think its way weirder that the woman who cheated on him, takes 2grand a month from him, left him pennyless,now he hires bc he said "wll if Im gonna give a commission than would rather it go to the mother of my kids." Shes got 500k of "their" money in the bank...shes fine! UGH!

 

So, I guess seeking advice on others that might be in this "gray" relationship space............and though I really love the balance of us living separately, while dating exclusively, I seem to not be good at "allowing him" to make independent decisions for him....that ultimately are his decisions but make me feel like their is lack of committment!

 

help!

[Eddie Edirol]

It sounds like he's not really over his ex yet. You walked into a rebound relationship, and he probably wont commit anything to you when he still thinks of his ex. Better walk away.

[Tethys]

I think it can be difficult sometimes to break all ties after a divorce/separation if there isn't a lot of bad emotions from at least one side, so it sounds like he might not have broken all ties with his ex if he's still using her as a real estate agent. Not healthy and I think you have the right to at least ask for him to find another agent. Tell him to ask other people for a second opinion and he'll probably be told it's a little f-ed up.

[spice4life]

I was with a man for 20yrs, divorced a yr ago, have 3 awesome boys(7yo, twins that are 5yo). I met an amazing man(he's 45yo, I'm 40yo) a few months after filing and we have now been together 1.5yrs. His ex cheated on him, was devastated - they had 2 boys, 14 and 12yo. We had an immediate connection both on the feelings from our divorces and the physical connection is like nothing I have ever experienced! Love him to pieces and know he is fully committed, monogamous with me(me as well).

 

On the money front, I make $200k a yr working in pharmaceuticals, yet have a "deadbeat" ex who owes me lots of $ so it still is difficult for me to grasp that I basically am fully responsible financially for these kids for the next 20yrs. BF is basically a trustfund baby, who makes just enuff to cover his kids costs, his very 'selfish' lifestyle($10k on golf membership, many boys trips, Masters this weekend that will cost a few grand, etc.) I have been VERY VERY generous with gifts($150 cigars that he loves, $200 jeans, redoing his bathroom, spent probably 700 at xmas) etc bc I THOUGHT he was essenstially broke. He is I would say overall he is "average" with money when we go out(he usually pays, we sometimes "go dutch") but in the end, he will not be "funding" anything for me, because we decided not to marry for the sake of ALL of the kids and basically hover in this....non-marriage, no cohabitating, yet committed space that frankly I am struggling with overall.

 

We had 2 blow-ups in the past 3 months - 1st one was "we need a break" next was "i dont think we gonna make it long term." We seemd to work out everything but I am still unsettled by the definitiveness of his comments, as well as his committment to me. So here's the rub at this point in time that Im seeking advice on....

 

I sold my house, decided even if we implode this neighborhood is great for my boys. BF rents as well post divorce and lives 2 miles from me. His ex is a realtor....he apparently got some of his trust money to now put a down payment on a condo here to buy. He told our mutual friends a few mos ago that he was "in the market for a place" but of course, didnt tell me. Now he tells me a few days ago, I am working with my ex as the realtor and likely gonna buy a place. I was frustrated that he didnt include me in the decision...just showed me pics on-line and says hes gonna make an offer! This 1st brings up jealousy for me, bc I am upset I cant buy....and that he can which is true and vented that to him. Second, he is seeing the place again today with his boys to get THEIR opinion.......but didnt ask me to see it with his ex, his boys bc he thinks it would be WEIRD for the boys!!!!! I think its way weirder that the woman who cheated on him, takes 2grand a month from him, left him pennyless,now he hires bc he said "wll if Im gonna give a commission than would rather it go to the mother of my kids." Shes got 500k of "their" money in the bank...shes fine! UGH!

 

So, I guess seeking advice on others that might be in this "gray" relationship space............and though I really love the balance of us living separately, while dating exclusively, I seem to not be good at "allowing him" to make independent decisions for him....that ultimately are his decisions but make me feel like their is lack of committment!

 

help!

 

So is this committed non-cohabitating relationship always going to be that way? If the answer is yes then why stay? I couldn't and nor would I settle fo a long term situation like that. The relationship either is or isn"t....no limbo gray area inbetween. I can understand it if the two of you are just dating and trying to see if the relationship has a chance, but no way would I settle for a permanent "gray area" relationship like that. It's too stressful and would damage your self esteem...period. are you willing to settle for that? I certainly wouldn't. It's just not normal.

[soserious1]

You are in a convenient,sexually exclusive relationship where there has been zero talk of marriage or living together and in fact you've already pretty much ruled both options out. How he spends his money is none of your business.

 

If spending so much on things for him bothers you, then stop doing it but he's under no obligation to seek your approval for any real estate transaction he might make he and his kids opinions matter, your opinion and the opinion of your children doesn't matter, you won't be living there.