madkidddx Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 So basically, last night at a party me and this guy friend of mine kissed....and he has a girlfriend of 3 years. I feel absolutely awful. I'm very confused right now, as to what I should think/do. It sort of just happened, and in the moment, I knew what I was doing was wrong but it felt like there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. We were with a bunch of friends, but we distanced ourselves from the group for most of the night and we started holding hands and gradually getting more touchy feely and when we were completely alone we made out. I had had a bit to drink so I was slightly tipsy, but he claimed to be okay. We promised each other that we wouldn't tell anyone, and I haven't spoken to him since. And I don't know if I should talk to him about it? We have classes together, so it's going to be incredibly awkward. I feel like a horrible person especially since I really thought him and his girlfriend were happy, until he told me last night he has been thinking about ending it. I don't know why he let this happen...he's really not the "bad" type of guy. We're pretty good friends and I guess I had felt a slight attraction before but ignored it, obviously since he is in a long term relationship with this girl. I don't know what to do at this point, especially since I can't talk to any of my best friends about this because they would freak out. Especially since one of them is good friends with his girlfriend, and it would be absolutely terrible. I would lose everyone's respect and so would he. Also this other friend of ours made a comment after seeing us spend time alone together, and I'm scared she was slightly suspicious. Anyways, if anyone has been in this situation or has some insight or advice, it would be great! By the way, I'm 18 years old if that helps. Thank you!
ComputerJock Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Tell his girlfriend and get it off your chest. He doesn't want his girlfriend to know because he has made out with other girls. You can't blame him for what happened. Look in the mirror for the guilty party.
Memphis Raines Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So basically, last night at a party me and this guy friend of mine kissed....and he has a girlfriend of 3 years. I feel absolutely awful. I'm very confused right now, as to what I should think/do. It sort of just happened, and in the moment, I knew what I was doing was wrong but it felt like there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. We were with a bunch of friends, but we distanced ourselves from the group for most of the night and we started holding hands and gradually getting more touchy feely and when we were completely alone we made out. I had had a bit to drink so I was slightly tipsy, but he claimed to be okay. We promised each other that we wouldn't tell anyone, and I haven't spoken to him since. And I don't know if I should talk to him about it? We have classes together, so it's going to be incredibly awkward. I feel like a horrible person especially since I really thought him and his girlfriend were happy, until he told me last night he has been thinking about ending it. I don't know why he let this happen...he's really not the "bad" type of guy. We're pretty good friends and I guess I had felt a slight attraction before but ignored it, obviously since he is in a long term relationship with this girl. I don't know what to do at this point, especially since I can't talk to any of my best friends about this because they would freak out. Especially since one of them is good friends with his girlfriend, and it would be absolutely terrible. I would lose everyone's respect and so would he. Also this other friend of ours made a comment after seeing us spend time alone together, and I'm scared she was slightly suspicious. Anyways, if anyone has been in this situation or has some insight or advice, it would be great! By the way, I'm 18 years old if that helps. Thank you! if you aren't going to come clean, then you need to stay away from this guy. its the least you can do out of respect of the poor girl you and he slighted. but it would be nice if she found out so that she knows what type of player she is dating.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 My advice is you shouldn't have done it. Nothing can be done now. You'll just have to lie back and take your punishment like a woman.
BeginAgain Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 He doesn't want his girlfriend to know because he has made out with other girls. Not necessarily.
jnj express Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You got "played"---he wanted a little on the side--and you provided it---I am very sure there is nothing wrong with his relationship with his GF---but there's gonna be---right!!!!---cuz your gonna do the right thing and tell her what kind of scum she has for a BF
Author madkidddx Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 I can't tell his girlfriend...I've thought about it, but I think I have to be selfish here... I don't really know her very well, and she would see me in SUCH a bad light if she knew, and she would probably tell people and I can't afford to lose everyone's respect. I guess I've just got to suck it up. But gosh I hate having to keep a "dirty little secret"... And, I know I shouldn't have done it! That's precisely why i feel so bad about it I know I've gotta pretend like it didn't happen, but when I see him with his girlfriend it breaks my heart... and i feel like a terrible person. I guess there is nothing much I can do, but I sat next to him in the class we have together yesterday, and he acted completely normal, like nothing had happened, he didn't avoid me or anything... and I'm wondering whether I should confront him about it? Not sure what I would say, but I don't know if it's such a good idea to bring it up? Anyways, thanks everyone!
Kelemort Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You're 18 and drinking, so I hope to God you're doing this under the radar. Nasty fines if you get caught by the cops (of course, assuming you're in the U.S. - in other countries, whatever flies). Especially if this is at a party where teenagers roam, since the cops always seem to be getting calls about those kinds of parties. Secondly, you were entirely responsible for what happened and it wasn't something you "couldn't stop from happening." I've been tipsy before. I wasn't making out with other guys even when I had the opportunity. That's just an excuse to try and absolve yourself of some guilt, just as I'm sure you had that excuse lined up when you were actually going through with this. Take accountability for your own actions. What can you do? Well, you've opened up a real wormhole here, because if this gets out you stand to lose a lot of respect and possibly friendships. You need to set some time aside and speak to the guy with whom you made out. I'd suggest someplace public. Acknowledge that what you did was wrong. Acknowledge that you take responsibility for what happened, and express that you no longer want to have any time alone with him. If you do spend time together, it's going to be in a group setting. And you're right - as long as you spend time with this guy or with his girlfriend, you're going to be on pins and needles and worried that someone's going to talk about your rendezvous. And get this fantasy that you have about this guy out of your head. His "going to be ending it" excuse doesn't justify or take away the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. You are no exception, you are not special or better than his girlfriend, so if that's the vision of sugar plums dancing 'round your head that you have, knock it out of there as soon as possible. Adults have attractions to other people even when they're in relationships - but adults should know how to act on them if they're mature enough to be in a devoted relationship. If I were you, I would distance myself from this guy and stop seeing him. If you have to see him in class, don't talk to him. Acknowledge him only if you must. You could simply explain that distance with, "After what has happened, I think it is best if we don't talk anymore." Otherwise, say he does end his relationship with this girl and he gets with you. Will he do the same thing or will he still be immature? Maybe he'll be at a party with another girl, feeding her the same line about how he's thinking about ending it with you, and he'll be locking lips - or possibly more - with her.
BeginAgain Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 You're 18 and drinking, so I hope to God you're doing this under the radar. Nasty fines if you get caught by the cops (of course, assuming you're in the U.S. - in other countries, whatever flies). Especially if this is at a party where teenagers roam, since the cops always seem to be getting calls about those kinds of parties. Consumption by those under 21 in the US isn't illegal unless that has changed.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Tell his girlfriend and get it off your chest. He doesn't want his girlfriend to know because he has made out with other girls. You can't blame him for what happened. Look in the mirror for the guilty party. I agree with this advice. He's a serial cheater, most likely, and has done it with other women.
Memphis Raines Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Consumption by those under 21 in the US isn't illegal unless that has changed. then what is illegal consumption of alcohol by a minor?
Author madkidddx Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 (edited) You're 18 and drinking, so I hope to God you're doing this under the radar. Nasty fines if you get caught by the cops (of course, assuming you're in the U.S. - in other countries, whatever flies). Especially if this is at a party where teenagers roam, since the cops always seem to be getting calls about those kinds of parties. Secondly, you were entirely responsible for what happened and it wasn't something you "couldn't stop from happening." I've been tipsy before. I wasn't making out with other guys even when I had the opportunity. That's just an excuse to try and absolve yourself of some guilt, just as I'm sure you had that excuse lined up when you were actually going through with this. Take accountability for your own actions. What can you do? Well, you've opened up a real wormhole here, because if this gets out you stand to lose a lot of respect and possibly friendships. You need to set some time aside and speak to the guy with whom you made out. I'd suggest someplace public. Acknowledge that what you did was wrong. Acknowledge that you take responsibility for what happened, and express that you no longer want to have any time alone with him. If you do spend time together, it's going to be in a group setting. And you're right - as long as you spend time with this guy or with his girlfriend, you're going to be on pins and needles and worried that someone's going to talk about your rendezvous. And get this fantasy that you have about this guy out of your head. His "going to be ending it" excuse doesn't justify or take away the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. You are no exception, you are not special or better than his girlfriend, so if that's the vision of sugar plums dancing 'round your head that you have, knock it out of there as soon as possible. Adults have attractions to other people even when they're in relationships - but adults should know how to act on them if they're mature enough to be in a devoted relationship. If I were you, I would distance myself from this guy and stop seeing him. If you have to see him in class, don't talk to him. Acknowledge him only if you must. You could simply explain that distance with, "After what has happened, I think it is best if we don't talk anymore." Otherwise, say he does end his relationship with this girl and he gets with you. Will he do the same thing or will he still be immature? Maybe he'll be at a party with another girl, feeding her the same line about how he's thinking about ending it with you, and he'll be locking lips - or possibly more - with her. I'm not in the U.S, but thanks for the concern. I know that I am entirely responsible. That's why I feel terrible about what happened. You're right actually, I could very well have stopped it, but at the time it felt like it was inevitable - one thing lead to another and as much as I wanted to stop it, I didn't. Which is why trust me, I feel horribly guilty... I would do anything to take it back. I think the only reason I let it happen, is because of that "fantasy" that I have about this guy. As much as I hate to admit it, I had felt somewhat attracted to him before, but I knew it would never be a problem with us being friends because I was certain he would never cross that line. I guess I was wrong... But that "fantasy" so to speak was never something I saw as ever being a possible anyway...it was kindof just like, he's cute, he has a girlfriend, so whatever, we're friends. He said he was thinking about ending it after we kissed actually, and I guess it made me feel slightly better about it even though it shouldn't have. I have no expectations or hopes whatsoever that he will leave his girlfriend for me at all, and even though I have not spoken to him about it yet I'm pretty sure he regrets it as much as I do. At least I hope so. I guess distancing myself from him is the safest, most sensible solution. It might be quite difficult though, especially when we are going traveling with a group of friends in 2 months and we'll pretty much be living in the same house... So I think I will wait and see how it goes and how he acts. Also, might seem very childish of me, but I'm tempted to talk to him online rather than speak to him face to face? I hate the idea of having to talk about this with him... Anyways, thank you for your bluntly realistic insight! Edited April 5, 2011 by madkidddx
EyesWideOpen Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 then what is illegal consumption of alcohol by a minor? A ban on consuming alcohol under the age of 21. No, that wasn't really intended to be totally sarcastic. Last I heard, only 15 states ban underage consumption outright. The rest of he states a fairly even split on either situational exceptions, or no specific ban at all. However, there is most definitely a Federal law against underaged purchasing...and I would assume state and Federal laws on possession as well. Just because we in the US like to overcomplicate our laws.
Memphis Raines Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 A ban on consuming alcohol under the age of 21. No, that wasn't really intended to be totally sarcastic. Last I heard, only 15 states ban underage consumption outright. The rest of he states a fairly even split on either situational exceptions, or no specific ban at all. However, there is most definitely a Federal law against underaged purchasing...and I would assume state and Federal laws on possession as well. Just because we in the US like to overcomplicate our laws. so of the states that don't ban underage consumption, but still the age to drink is 21, whats the point? they just going to tell them, "bad bad bad, don't you drink no more" i mean really, why have a drinking age if you are not going to enforce it? ok, sorry for the t/j. moving on.
EyesWideOpen Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 so of the states that don't ban underage consumption, but still the age to drink is 21, whats the point? they just going to tell them, "bad bad bad, don't you drink no more" i mean really, why have a drinking age if you are not going to enforce it? ok, sorry for the t/j. moving on. The point National Minimum Drinking Age Act is an attempt at the federal level to force states to adopt the 21 yrs age by controlling the rights to *purchase* and *publicly posess* (with the exception of medical/religious/and other such reasons) liquor, using the threat of losing federal funding for highways as leverage. Because the Federal law targetst only purchasing and posession...each individual state still has the ability to do whatever the it wants in terms of actual consumption. They have a choice of outright ban consumption, partial ban it, or no ban at all. So to answer your question, we would have to define who "you" is and what "enforcement" is. The states that do adopt a policy on consumption do enforce it. Those who don't...well, there's nothing to enforce. As for why the Federal govt banned only purchasing and possession...meh, *shrug*. I would assume it was to compromise on two completely opposite viewpoints: those who feel that a minimum age law against consumption is violating their rights, and those who want to eliminate underage drinking altogether (most notably MADD at the time). It is a very half-*ssed law Federal law, imo. Ha...sorry. I like law. Can you tell?
jnj express Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 HEY ALL YOU GUYS RAGGING ON THE DRINKING---SHE DOESN'T LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA If you are gonna distance yourself from this guy and do the right thing---why are you sitting next to him in class---what you are really doing is seeing if you can actually get him to come after you again-----all this whining you are doing--about doing the right thing---ITS JUST A BUNCH OF BULL, and you know it!!!!!!
Author madkidddx Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 HEY ALL YOU GUYS RAGGING ON THE DRINKING---SHE DOESN'T LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA If you are gonna distance yourself from this guy and do the right thing---why are you sitting next to him in class---what you are really doing is seeing if you can actually get him to come after you again-----all this whining you are doing--about doing the right thing---ITS JUST A BUNCH OF BULL, and you know it!!!!!! Aarghh! As much as I hate to admit it you're not completely wrong. I guess I'm just trying to see his side of the situation and since he seems to completely ignore it - that being a much easier option then talking about it - i'm just going with it. Which, I know, is not the right thing to do... I sat next to him again today... well, I was sitting in class first, and he came and sat next to me. But it's only because everyone sits in the same seats every class. And I guess the reasoning behind acting as if nothing happened, is to avoid suspicions... if I completely ignored him, wouldn't people be curious as to what's wrong and find it weird? So that's what I'm trying to avoid... And also maybe trying to save myself from admitting what you said (that I'm probably setting myself up for worse, and "whining" to make myself feel better) I don't know at this point, it's hard for me to figure out how to act. Since I don't think ignoring him would be the best thing, do you reckon we should talk about it rather than never bring it up again and keep it locked up? Thank you! I think slightly harsh comments like yours are gonna get me through this,haha.
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