Dealing with selfish boyfriend?

[downinthedumps]

We have had massive fights on this for the last 3 days with neither willing to back down and at a total loss!!

 

We are in a LDR and decided that i was going to move to his city and found out he has taken a 3 month job running a night club and will involve him going in for an hour or two every thursday friday and saturday nights 3 weekends a month, reasonably late and he didnt tell me or discuss it with me first. This is also on top of his full time job which also involves out of hours work which ive never had a problem with.

 

Originally he was moving to my city and he spoke about this job but I said no I didnt want that lifestyle, having less time to be together and him being hit on by drunk girls all the time... But he did it anyway and didnt consider my feelings because he thought they werent justifiable reasons and he got offered on the spot. Hes not there for some skanky one night stand, its another $500 per week and wants to use it to get ahead. Its also an incomplete dream of his when he had to close his bar years ago, it makes him feel "important" and basically he's told me he cant go back and tell him he cant (and wont) do the job now.

 

Ive told him im not moving there and definitely not until I see how this impacts us and that I know 100% hes not going to be so selfish and disrespectful to me and he thinks im being totally unreasonable about this and I wrong and not what I think.

 

I just cant believe he would do something like that, I feel he doesnt love, care or respect me and expects me to fit around this.

 

We have been togther 9 months, in our early 30's, we share the same goals and values and has talked about marriage in the future, then he pulls this out. he is an only child and a real mummys boy, lived on his own a long time and not had many girlfriends which doesnt help either. He said hes never really had to think about anyone but him self, he knows it was selfish and apologised for making a mistake and said hes not perfect.

 

95% of the time he is great, makes a lot of effort coming to see me and made sacrifices, calling and texing, caring, loving and generous. we have a lot of fun and everyone thinks we are the ones for eachother and so did I but now im not sure. This is the second time hes not thought about my feelings but nowhere near as bad.

 

I have given him a huge wake up call and told him I dont know if I can do this and that if this is how he is going to act then I definitely dont want to be with him because thats not what a loving partnership is about.

 

Im at a total loss how to resolve this? He has really hurt me with his actions and dont know how to or if I can forgive him because I totally dont want me or us to be involved or tied this night club.

 

Im more than willing to support him in his wants and dreams but not if he doesnt talk to me and makes decision without me and considering how I feel.

 

He thinks im over reacting and not supporting him.

 

Help!!

[BiscuitXOXO]

1) Stop thinking of this as you vs his dream job. Assuming that you both want this relationship to go on, you are on the same side here.

 

2) Sit down with him and discuss what you both really want. NOT "I want you to quit that job" and NOT (on his part)"I want you to be more supportive of my dreams."

 

It should be more like, "I feel like the job is taking your time away from me, and I really miss you and want to be with you more," or "I need to feel included in your life, and want to be included when you make important decisions such as taking on such an important job" or, on his part, "I need to feel needed and important."

 

3) Don't squabble over the details; talk about what you both need at the basic level and go from there, TOGETHER, thinking of a way to fulfill both of your needs.

 

Good luck!

[downinthedumps]

Thank you for your response, yes we have agreed we want to work things out. But im really struggling how we can compromise on this.

 

He doesnt realise it makes a big impact on us being in a LDR and the weekends are the only time we get to see each other until (and if) I move there. he said its just an hour or two and it doesnt have to be every night once hes got it up and running.

 

It takes me 4 hours drive on a friday night to go and see him and I dont want to wait for an hour or two for him to get home from the bar, Im usually tired just want to relax and have a couple of drinks with him and just be with him when I get there and the time I usually get there is when he will need to be there.

 

Also I should ad that I feel very insecure about it and im afraid of losing him with doing this, all the young pretty girls wearing nothing and probably flirting and hitting on him all the time. He told me a number of times he's not there for that he would never cheat and im what he wants, he knows what he wants and for life and why would he throw all of us away for a one night stand with a drunk skank. but I cant help but be freaked out about it, hes told me this is my issue which is a fair call. He said hes only there to make sure everyone has turned up and things are running ok then he can leave and he isnt going to be there all night and isnt going to be drinking etc because he is the manager and there is a bar manager to take care of things after that.

 

I tried to be ok with it and went there on Saturday night the first night to try and support him but I couldnt cope with it after an hour or so and went quiet and made a couple of comments so he asked me to go home because he had to be there and was ruining his night.

 

Part of me feels like I need to make him realise the consequences of his actions and not be so available to him so he doesnt think he can do this again. But at the same time he is usually very accommodating and has been doing majority of the driving until now and hes really tired of it so wants me to make more effort in going to see him, which ive always been prepared to do.

 

I dont think he intended to hurt me and he said he never did, I just dont think he really thought it through. I pretty much commit all my weekends to him and feel maybe hes taking me for granted.

 

He isnt a nasty guy and im not at all in to games, but do you think I should play a little hard ball with him so he knows its not all about him and what he wants when he wants. I dont know that he truly thinks this this way but thats how I see it by him doing this. He is very hurt and shocked that I told him ive changed my mind about moving there currently and could be a deal breaker until I see how this impacts us.

 

Maybe im just making all this harder than what it really may be, im so confused.