countingstarsagain Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 So I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. Our relationship was almost instantly serious and I stay with him most nights. However, he rarely wants to stay with me. He says he doesn't like sleeping alone, but when it comes to staying at my house or us being apart, he chooses to be apart. It really bothers me that I go out of my way to stay with him but he's never willing to do the same. When I stay with him, I have to drive home early in the morning and get ready for work then drive to work. And tonight, if you haven't noticed, is a weekend in which he or I neither have to wake up early. Shouldn't be inconvient for him at all. His stubbornness is making me question how he feels about me. What do you all think? How can I get him to do things little things like this for me?
orangelady Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 His stubbornness is making me question how he feels about me. What do you all think? How can I get him to do things little things like this for me? I think he sounds kind of selfish and isn't the kind to 'compromise' or not interested to make his partner happy even if it means inconvenience. I know of men who are exactly that way. They just wouldn't do anything for their woman if it means inconveniencing them or something that they don't like. I honestly think men like that are not suitable to be in relationships. They are fit for being bachelors. If I were you, and I have been you, I'd have lost interest. The only reason why we don't leave is because we think we'll not find someone else again who'd want to be in a relationship with us. But staying in a stinking and selfish relationship is just as bad as not having a relationship, if not worse.
lino Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Next time you sleep at his place, don't stay overnight. Then do it the next time, the one after that, etc If he asks why you aren't staying over then tell him!
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 What do you all think? How can I get him to do things little things like this for me? What will you do if he doesn't start staying over your place?
Author countingstarsagain Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 I, too, do not like sleeping alone, but I am the one who will give in and stay with him even though I would be better off staying at my place (could sleep in an extra hour and in my cozy bed). Thank you all for your advice. I think I will start spending more time at my house and show him that if he wants to be with me, he'll have to stay with me some too. It's just really annoying and I don't really know how to approach him about it.
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Be assertive about it. Read up on assertiveness - http://www.livestrong.com/article/14699-improving-assertive-behavior/
AmEricanWomann Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 He's being selfish and inconsiderate because you've allowed it for a year. He takes you for granted now. You can talk to him about how you feel, but don't be surprised if nothing changes. If this issue is a deal breaker for you then you may have to be willing to leave the relationship to make anything happen. If he truly cares for you, then he will change his behavior if he sees you're serious about leaving. If he doesn't have strong feelings for you, he will let you go, so that's a risk you might have to take. However, if it turns out that he doesn't care for you, then its better that you find out now then after investing even more time in the relationship.
Lilmisus Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Are there any reasons that he has for not going to your place? Does he not have the cash to afford the gas? Does he have back problems that his bed helps him with? Does he have a dog that he has to feed every night? Is your place not equally as welcoming to him as his is to you (if it is)? If you answer no to all of these questions, and if there is really no other reason for his not going to your place, then I would say he sounds pretty selfish to me. Tell him that you can't continue staying at his place every (other) night, and that gas is too much nowadays for you to be able to afford it. Not only that, but with your job in the morning, it makes things much more difficult for you than they need to be, and you need him to understand that and be more caring towards you and more grateful for what you do with going to his place all the time. Tell him that you want to be able to compromise where you both sleep during the nights of the week. Say for instance, for your work nights, you want you both to stay at your place, and maybe for the weekends stay at his. Ask him if there's any way that you can make staying at your place more appealing to him to where he'd be excited to stay over, instead of choose not to. But don't just jump down his throat about the issue, especially if you have yet to really put your foot down about it. Try to work this out and compromise the issue. But, whatever you do, don't give in to his saying that he just doesn't want to go to your place. Tell him if that's the case, then it looks like your sleep overs will have to come to an end, since you can't be the only one making sacrifices for the relationship, and you can't afford it any more.
hoping2heal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 So I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. Our relationship was almost instantly serious and I stay with him most nights. However, he rarely wants to stay with me. He says he doesn't like sleeping alone, but when it comes to staying at my house or us being apart, he chooses to be apart. It really bothers me that I go out of my way to stay with him but he's never willing to do the same. When I stay with him, I have to drive home early in the morning and get ready for work then drive to work. And tonight, if you haven't noticed, is a weekend in which he or I neither have to wake up early. Shouldn't be inconvient for him at all. His stubbornness is making me question how he feels about me. What do you all think? How can I get him to do things little things like this for me? OP, some people are just more selfish by nature. That does not mean they don't care about you, it just means that how much they are capable of may not be what makes you feel loved and satisfied, which is totally normal. You should stop giving into him whims all of the time and accomodating him. Let him know that you want him to come stay over at times and do not buy into his excuses. It could just be that he cannot meet your needs because he is the more self centered type and someone who wants equal treatment is going to feel like they have gotten the shaft. Talk to him about what you have told us and see what he says, but more importantly what he actually does after that, and on a consistent basis..not just for a few weeks to make a good impression. Could you marry him if this was a constant? That is something you need to ask yourself because he just may be this way and unwilling to try to to be anything else and meet your needs, too.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Have you questioned him directly about this? It's not fair to judge him with such little information. Perhaps he really just takes it that you give him options and he takes the option of having some independence. Maybe he'll accommodate you or explain himself better if you try to reach him about it. If I'm not married to someone and there is still some "breathing room" I would take it. It keeps things fresh and would not mean anything negative about my SO. A guy tries to hang on to some freedoms until he takes that final plunge (and even after that sometimes).
catherine123 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Oh gosh, my sympathies ! I have exactly the same problem ( but its part of more issues I have with "him") so I know where you are coming from here. It bothers me too, I feel like he doesnt want to really be part of my life. Effort in give and take should be from both parties in a relationship surely.
Kelemort Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Stop going to see him and explain upfront what you are doing. Say that you are in this for a relationship, not masturbation involving two people. If you have to do all of the work for yourself and the other person gives you nothing, then what's the point of putting in the effort to have it? Train 'im.
musemaj11 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Give as much as the other person willing to give.
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