"Go out and meet people" - can it be that hard?

[orangelady]

I've seen this used a lot as an advice to forever singles like me. And I'm glad to say in this year, I have made some very serious efforts to do it. I've googled several times on local meet ups, social groups etc and boy was it exhausting. I never thought finding social groups (that are not religious or business related) was this hard.

 

It was so hard to find a group that just wanted to 'hang out' and meet new people. There are groups around, but they are usually interest/activity related like hiking, amazing race, (just a lot of ourdoor activity.)

 

I want to know how else or what else did you do to 'meet' people?

 

A lot of people would say, then just join some other groups. I also joined Toastmasters. Same thing. Worst of all, it is costly and it requires you to work.

 

I mean, where ELSE do I go? People keep saying "Just keep going at it." I am thinking "Where?"

 

Strangely enough, out of these meets.....I meet more of OTHER females who are also singles. Great. More competition. Then you may think "No, its good because then you can help each other. They are okay but not the type that wants to get close to me, or even admit they are looking. Even the hike group that I joined, the men were all married and those who were not weren't interested. Am I doomed?

Edited April 3, 2011 by orangelady

[welikeincrowds]

Have you fully exhausted your social circle? The easiest way to meet new people is to start forging some friendships with acquaintances you like and get along with, or sometimes literally asking your more social friends if they could introduce you to some new people.

 

To that end, have you tried throwing a party?

 

Also, I didn't see you mention book clubs, although depending on how old you are and where you're located, that may be more of the same.

 

There's always online dating....

[phineas]

If you are an average looking woman all you gotta do is go to a free outdoor concert in the summer time & just stand there.

 

Doesn't matter if your alone or with a guy.

 

I'd take a woman to these things & it was obvious we were together, but if I went to the bathroom or to get some beers dude's were hitting on them.

 

Even the guys who were standing next to us & saw the woman kiss me or in my arms.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Take classes... and do other things which serve to enhance your own well-roundedness.

 

Those faux-gatherings where the main, underlying premise is to cause singles to 'meet' are far, far less effective in social ways than are situations where your main purpose is something else, and your focus and familiarity are there to be witnessed by others.

 

People date and mate most from scenarios in which they are familiar and comfortable (work, school, friends, etc.), so do what it takes to increase the scenarios known to your routine in which you are familiar and comfortable.

[Eeyore79]

When I was single, I found the best strategy was to get involved in hobbies and meet people that way. At least the people I met had a lot in common with me, and we shared the same interests. I ended up dating a guy who I might not have been interested in if we hadn't had so much in common - if he'd approached me in a bar I'd probably have rejected him. But we're a really good match, and imo a relationship with some common ground and shared interests is more likely to last.

[orangelady]

When I was single, I found the best strategy was to get involved in hobbies and meet people that way. At least the people I met had a lot in common with me, and we shared the same interests. I ended up dating a guy who I might not have been interested in if we hadn't had so much in common - if he'd approached me in a bar I'd probably have rejected him. But we're a really good match, and imo a relationship with some common ground and shared interests is more likely to last.

 

 

What kind of hobbies? To be honest, even on the meetup.com, there was nothing much that I liked. They had a very active hiking group- they have hikes every week but its too tough for me, I tried it and didn't like it. And they don't really talk, they just hike. That is my problem - there aren't any hobbies that I like. I like working out - joined a couple of gyms before, but I swear, the guys at gyms are NOT friendly at all. They are very arrogant. It was expensive anyways, so I quit.

 

 

I did take a language class, did meet some nice people (mostly women) and that was about it. I don't mind a book club but people in my city don't read and once I tried to start it online and didn't work. Sigh..

[westernxer]

What kind of hobbies? To be honest, even on the meetup.com, there was nothing much that I liked. They had a very active hiking group- they have hikes every week but its too tough for me, I tried it and didn't like it. And they don't really talk, they just hike. That is my problem - there aren't any hobbies that I like. I like working out - joined a couple of gyms before, but I swear, the guys at gyms are NOT friendly at all. They are very arrogant. It was expensive anyways, so I quit.

 

 

I did take a language class, did meet some nice people (mostly women) and that was about it. I don't mind a book club but people in my city don't read and once I tried to start it online and didn't work. Sigh..

 

Been there myself, so I know what you mean.

[J200]

Taking a class does not make me make friends. During HS I had six classes a day and ate lunch in the bathroom. In college I had classes too and didn't make friends. Now I work and I don't have friends at work and eat in my car. I take a yoga class and make no friends there either. It doesn't what I take or what groups I join; I guess I am unfriendly and unsociable. I never smile, never initiate conversation and can't empathize with people much so I don't make friends. It's in my nature to be introverted and alone. I think I give so such a mean "F off don't you dare stare at me or talk to me or look at me or I will call the police" look that guys know to stay away from me. Like if I see someone looking at me I will make my body language look even meaner and I will scowl and look like I'm about to explode and they stay away. It's become almost a reflex; even if I want to stop I can't.

[betterdeal]

Take classes... and do other things which serve to enhance your own well-roundedness.

 

Those faux-gatherings where the main, underlying premise is to cause singles to 'meet' are far, far less effective in social ways than are situations where your main purpose is something else, and your focus and familiarity are there to be witnessed by others.

 

People date and mate most from scenarios in which they are familiar and comfortable (work, school, friends, etc.), so do what it takes to increase the scenarios known to your routine in which you are familiar and comfortable.

 

I agree. Here's what life is about: you find things that make you happy. That's it. If trying to find a lover is making you feel so frustrated, do something else. If you meet someone that way, great, if not, you'e doing something you want to do.

 

Then imagine you find a lover. A couple of months of puppy love is wonderful. But then what? We can't keep pumping out adrenalin and serotonin indefinitely. We need a variety of things in our lives, things that make us happy. Our jobs, our homes, our pastimes, our bodies, our minds, our souls, friends, colleagues, neighbours, seasons, holidays, food, drink, smells, senses generally, sleep, you get the picture. There is so much in life that can make us happy.

 

And the happier we are, well, that's time well spent, no?

[mortensorchid]

I've heard this being argued several times about how it's hard to meet people. And when you try those things, you end up just meeting other women (if you are a woman to begin with). I think this is so because women are more social than men are in general, seem to be more willing to try things. I had a friend a few years ago who I met online who said he was looking to make new friends and sought out women in particular because women introduce you to others. And, I'd have to say he was right. But I digress on that ...

 

When you are out, I suggest that you be as friendly as possible with others. So what if they are other women? You'll make friends that way. You have nothing to lose. You should not go to these things thinking that you are going to meet men. You might, but don't hold your breath. Advice? Go to ones involving sports because guys like sports, whether you are playing or watching games. You never know.

[orangelady]

Been there myself, so I know what you mean.

 

Thanks, sometimes that's so comforting to know.

[BeginAgain]

Taking a class does not make me make friends. During HS I had six classes a day and ate lunch in the bathroom. In college I had classes too and didn't make friends. Now I work and I don't have friends at work and eat in my car. I take a yoga class and make no friends there either. It doesn't what I take or what groups I join; I guess I am unfriendly and unsociable. I never smile, never initiate conversation and can't empathize with people much so I don't make friends. It's in my nature to be introverted and alone. I think I give so such a mean "F off don't you dare stare at me or talk to me or look at me or I will call the police" look that guys know to stay away from me. Like if I see someone looking at me I will make my body language look even meaner and I will scowl and look like I'm about to explode and they stay away. It's become almost a reflex; even if I want to stop I can't.

If we could choose our personalities we wouldn't pick our own. I really don't have a solution for our strikingly similar problem just rhetoric.

 

I agree. Here's what life is about: you find things that make you happy. That's it. If trying to find a lover is making you feel so frustrated, do something else. If you meet someone that way, great, if not, you'e doing something you want to do.

 

Then imagine you find a lover. A couple of months of puppy love is wonderful. But then what? We can't keep pumping out adrenalin and serotonin indefinitely. We need a variety of things in our lives, things that make us happy. Our jobs, our homes, our pastimes, our bodies, our minds, our souls, friends, colleagues, neighbours, seasons, holidays, food, drink, smells, senses generally, sleep, you get the picture. There is so much in life that can make us happy.

 

And the happier we are, well, that's time well spent, no?

No. If I wasn't attracted to women then I could be happy or at least much happier with the rest I have in my life. The issue becomes we develop for 18-24 years for the express purpose of mating and engaging in pair bonds for the rest of our lives even past our reproductive prime. We are made to feel pain in a variety of ways by our bodies to compel us into these relationships and when we get into a successful one our body treats us to all sorts of pleasure to entice us to stay at least for awhile. We aren't meant to be happy without only with.

 

I've heard this being argued several times about how it's hard to meet people. And when you try those things, you end up just meeting other women (if you are a woman to begin with). I think this is so because women are more social than men are in general, seem to be more willing to try things. I had a friend a few years ago who I met online who said he was looking to make new friends and sought out women in particular because women introduce you to others. And, I'd have to say he was right. But I digress on that ...

 

When you are out, I suggest that you be as friendly as possible with others. So what if they are other women? You'll make friends that way. You have nothing to lose. You should not go to these things thinking that you are going to meet men. You might, but don't hold your breath. Advice? Go to ones involving sports because guys like sports, whether you are playing or watching games. You never know.

I 've heard of one study that showed men talk more than women. Still in my personal experience it does seem that women have greater socialization needs probably so they'll start building a support network for when they have children. Men are probably less likely in general to join organizations and clubs in their search to find women.

 

For people who don't get picked up in the grocery store taking the tact "it will happen when it happens" and hoping it will just fall into your lap is a good way for it to never happen. Unlike those who have been easily dating since middle or high school we are going to have to treat it like a second job. You shouldn't go in any of these get-togethers as if you'll be utterly disheartened if you can't find someone. Also don't come on too strong or seem desperate. Still you are there to find someone and should keep that in mind otherwise you wouldn't even need to be there. The cheese and crackers or whatever else might be going on is just a backdrop.

 

It is best to get into fields of interest that men will actually care about because that's where the men will be, but it isn't going to help faking an interest. Also sports aren't a magic bullet. While there are a lot of guys who like them there are a lot who don't care. Also guys into sports can be crazy. A woman should prepare herself that whatever the interest or hobby is expect guys might be more passionate about them than they are use to a man being about anything. You'll need to separate the fans from the fanatics but I have seen more fanaticism in sports than most other free time activities.

 

I've seen this used a lot as an advice to forever singles like me. And I'm glad to say in this year, I have made some very serious efforts to do it. I've googled several times on local meet ups, social groups etc and boy was it exhausting. I never thought finding social groups (that are not religious or business related) was this hard.

 

It was so hard to find a group that just wanted to 'hang out' and meet new people. There are groups around, but they are usually interest/activity related like hiking, amazing race, (just a lot of ourdoor activity.)

 

I want to know how else or what else did you do to 'meet' people?

 

A lot of people would say, then just join some other groups. I also joined Toastmasters. Same thing. Worst of all, it is costly and it requires you to work.

 

I mean, where ELSE do I go? People keep saying "Just keep going at it." I am thinking "Where?"

 

Strangely enough, out of these meets.....I meet more of OTHER females who are also singles. Great. More competition. Then you may think "No, its good because then you can help each other. They are okay but not the type that wants to get close to me, or even admit they are looking. Even the hike group that I joined, the men were all married and those who were not weren't interested. Am I doomed?

 

How often do you find guys when you are out and about in a normal day who interest you? How often do you give any cues that you are available and interested? Have you tried internet dating? Have you tried going to clubs?

 

You shouldn't have to do this because you are a woman, we should be the ones approaching you, but if there are plenty of available men walking around your town you might need to be the man and take the initiative. When you are at the bookstore, the coffee shop, supermarket, or where ever and you see a guy you like ask him out. I know women hate this. They want to be pursued and not do the pursuing in part since it shows a guys level of interest even so you might need to. It will be humiliating, degrading, and since it goes against the social order some men might not be responsive so you may experience a lot of rejection, but do you want to be with a guy bad enough to weather it?

[nezbo]

The idea of getting together with randoms and 'just hanging out' seems like a bizare concept to me.

 

Surely you have interests, if not maybe you need to develop some interests..?

Chess? Music? yoga? dungeons & dragons? fishing? gardening? animal care? cooking? drama? art? photography? Motorcycle racing?

There are an infinite number of potential interests and they all have a multitude of associated groups, scenes.. and there you will find related 'activities' both organised and casual. No-one can pick it for you, just whatever you want to do... and maybe try not to pick something mostly females would be interested in.

 

That toastmasters things sounds awkwards and weird.

But do something that you are naturally interested in and you will be in your element, in the best environment to meet people naturally

[orangelady]

The idea of getting together with randoms and 'just hanging out' seems like a bizare concept to me.

 

Hmm are people really that intimidated by just doing nothing and relating to each other? Seriously? Do we find it really strange and awkward for people to have a cup of tea and getting to know each other? I guess, so.

 

No-one can pick it for you, just whatever you want to do... and maybe try not to pick something mostly females would be interested in.

 

Girls naturally have girly interests like cooking, yoga, books which men don't, so you're not going to see men there because that's just what men don't have an interest for.

 

 

That toastmasters things sounds awkwards and weird.

 

From all of your comments, now I feel like I'm really weird and maybe I should just dig a hole and bury myself in there. Thanks anyhow.

[BeginAgain]

Hmm are people really that intimidated by just doing nothing and relating to each other? Seriously? Do we find it really strange and awkward for people to have a cup of tea and getting to know each other? I guess, so.

When I was a kid I was forced to have nightly family dinners at which no one talked and that was with people I should have been closest to. Doing the same with utter strangers would be very awkward to me. I don't think forced activities would help that.

 

Girls naturally have girly interests like cooking, yoga, books which men don't, so you're not going to see men there because that's just what men don't have an interest for.

I thought there were more chefs who were male than female. Yoga is only commonly practiced by men in and around India. Men in the west are more interested in strength training and women are into toning and flexibility so yoga is more their thing. I'm not sure anyone is interested in books whether male or female except for the older generations. My nearest bookstore is probably 10-20 miles away. After that I don't know where the next one is.

 

From all of your comments, now I feel like I'm really weird and maybe I should just dig a hole and bury myself in there. Thanks anyhow.

I didn't think we gave that impression and you aren't weird. Some of us seem to be in a similar boat. If we lived close I would try to date you. Then again after reading all the comments by women about how only degenerates and pervs approach them a thought comes to mind. I start thinking to myself am I one of those jerks for just considering to approach a woman.

[nezbo]

From all of your comments, now I feel like I'm really weird and maybe I should just dig a hole and bury myself in there. Thanks anyhow.

 

Sorry didnt meant to give that impression. I'm not passing judgement on you or saying you're weird. I've done plenty of 'weird' things in search of romance etc... some I'd be too embarrassed to say.

 

By 'weird' and 'bizarre' i more meant those activities may not bring about the most natural and easy environments to form bonds with similar people. Could potentially be an awkward way to attempt to make connections. But maybe thats just me.

 

Didnt mean to come across insulting or make you feel like you're weird. I'm weird infact.

[orangelady]

When I was a kid I was forced to have nightly family dinners at which no one talked and that was with people I should have been closest to. Doing the same with utter strangers would be very awkward to me. I don't think forced activities would help that.

 

Ya, it's the same with me. I really dread family dinners or reunions and such with relatives whom I know are successful in their lives whereas I am not so I guess it is hard for me. For me, joining activities that I don't like is just as 'forceful' for me. Like with the hikes, I forced myself to go because I wanted to socialize but I didn't enjoy it.

 

 

Then again after reading all the comments by women about how only degenerates and pervs approach them a thought comes to mind. I start thinking to myself am I one of those jerks for just considering to approach a woman.

 

Nah, don't be like that. I think you should just try. Someone was saying to me on another post that we shouldn't wait for someone to make the move, be it a guy or girl. I guess I don't mind making the move, but its painful to get rejected (I did approach guys, random guys even) and they didn't seem interested. I guess we just have to learn to get over rejections and keep trying.

[nezbo]

Hmm are people really that intimidated by just doing nothing and relating to each other? Seriously? Do we find it really strange and awkward for people to have a cup of tea and getting to know each other? I guess, so.

 

Well it does help to start with common ground... most people just arent that interesting to each other... otherwise we could just get on a crowded bus and all start chatting and getting to know each other.

 

Going to something under the premise of meeting new people sounds awkward to me on first impression... but TBH I wouldnt rule it out for me, maybe its a great way to meet people? I'd try it out if others were doing it, but wouldnt be surprised if I ended up wasting a night with a bunch of people I wasnt really interested in.

 

Girls naturally have girly interests like cooking, yoga, books which men don't, so you're not going to see men there because that's just what men don't have an interest for.

 

yoga isnt girly, books arent girly (but maybe book CLUBS are).

some of the other things i mentioned would be pretty well mixed gender wise.

One of my favorite examples: volunteer at a animal rescue organization... meet mostly nice caring people of all genders and ages.. and have something to bond over and share good healthy nurturing feelings with. Perfect.

[nezbo]

accidental double post edit out

Edited April 4, 2011 by nezbo

[ChessPieceFace]

there aren't any hobbies that I like. I like working out - joined a couple of gyms before, but I swear, the guys at gyms are NOT friendly at all. They are very arrogant. It was expensive anyways, so I quit.

 

I don't socialize much but I do go to a gym as of late. I've tried 2 of them. One was awful and I felt like I hated most of the people there after 1 visit, like they were all a bunch of self-absorbed jerks and I could somehow tell that just from being around them for a few minutes. The gym I currently go to isn't like that at all, it's mostly "normal" people. There are a few muscleheads that I can't stand but it's not a huge percentage. Maybe about 50% of the guys lol.

 

I don't go there to look at women, LOL. I go there to get in shape. I have no idea if any girls there were ever interested in me, but I doubt it. After all, I'm there to lose weight, and I'm above the average weight in terms of the people there. I'd just assume any girl would rather go after one of the buff muscleheads. I've never really witnessed anyone else (either gender) "hooking up" at the gym while I was there, though maybe it happened and I didn't notice. Is it really that good of a place to meet people? It's not like you share much of an interest just by being at a gym. Really, everyone should have a gym membership IMO. Mine is only $10/month and it's a pretty awesome gym.

 

You say you don't like any hobbies, that seems weird. I'm a homebody but if I were actually trying to take up hobbies to meet people I could think of quite a few. Maybe you need to just try something new? Find things you like to do for the sake of doing them? There's a million things to do in the world, not just !%@$ drinking at clubs. Even nerdy hobbies have lots of participants. I don't see lack of interesting activities as a really valid excuse. My problems (well some of the many problems) are a total lack of self-esteem and very little interest in small talk. Maybe your problem is something other than the actual hobbies as well.

[Eeyore79]

What kind of hobbies?

 

Drama, dance, martial arts, a quiz team... something that involves talking and/or physical contact as part of the group activity. It makes it much easier to build rapport and make friends if you're already interacting as part of the activity.

[irc333]

I was actually taking this class at a local college, small town vocational trade. And every year, there's a corn maze set up in the corn field outside of the community.

 

I suggested to people in our class to attend on a weekend if they wanted to go, and they looked at me like I had 2 heads (Corn Maze? Huh?) As if they've never heard such the thing.

 

The idea of socializing after class or outside of class was rather alien to them.

 

Chances are they go back home to their "lives" and they're own circle of friends...the ones they grew up with since grade school....going outside of that "fishbowl" mentality becomes alien to them.

 

 

A friend of mine in the same area as I, he's pretty sociable, and was able to drag 2 single women with him to an event, and mentioned to me that they were going to be there with him. It was a party with a few of my friends, and I asked them if they planned on mingling around. And they said, "No, we're not one for making NEW friends"

 

You see, they lived in a small town so much, they've actually socially stunted themselves to limit their circles to probably old gradeschool, or at the very most high school friends.

 

I have hardly ever stayed in touch with those people

 

I think people are actually put off by the idea of meeting in a grocery store or a dept store/mall/bookstore, because with women, they're not mentally ready for it. The only time I'ven noticed they'd be ready for something like that, mentally prepared, if they're all dolled up and hittin' the nightclubs

 

But the concept of a guy striking a conversation with them in a grocery store line? Hmmm, not their cup of tea usually (sad, I know).

 

The idea of getting together with randoms and 'just hanging out' seems like a bizare concept to me.

 

Surely you have interests, if not maybe you need to develop some interests..?

Chess? Music? yoga? dungeons & dragons? fishing? gardening? animal care? cooking? drama? art? photography? Motorcycle racing?

There are an infinite number of potential interests and they all have a multitude of associated groups, scenes.. and there you will find related 'activities' both organised and casual. No-one can pick it for you, just whatever you want to do... and maybe try not to pick something mostly females would be interested in.

 

That toastmasters things sounds awkwards and weird.

But do something that you are naturally interested in and you will be in your element, in the best environment to meet people naturally

Edited April 8, 2011 by irc333

[orangelady]

 

The idea of socializing after class or outside of class was rather alien to them.

 

Gawd. That is exactly what I mean. I'd love to chat up a guy at a grocery store but where I come from, that is really not a good idea. Very very few people are open to the idea of socializing without ANY other common activity.

 

Chances are they go back home to their "lives" and they're own circle of friends...the ones they grew up with since grade school....going outside of that "fishbowl" mentality becomes alien to them.

 

Exactly. So what do you do? Sigh...

Edited April 8, 2011 by orangelady

[orangelady]

Are there any reasons that you're not looking for your SO?

 

Do you leave it all up to fate? Have you ever thought you'd die alone?

[nezbo]

Are there any reasons that you're not looking for your SO?

 

Do you leave it all up to fate? Have you ever thought you'd die alone?

 

I'm only just starting to come out of that way of thinking... in the past any time I'm single I've been in 'panic mode', always thinking about that ticking clock.. scared of being lonely. seeing other happy couples, soulmates etc.. and of course 'SEARCHING', but as a guy I dont think that does me any favors, I end up coming across like a needy desperate type and put off potentials because it was obvious.

 

So although I'm still worried about being alone and still have a deep need to find love, I'm altering my attitude to be more calm relaxed and thinking 'it will happen'.

 

'fate'? I'm not sure I believe in fate, maybe I do I dunno, but I'm calling it 'chance' instead. And I am leaving finding love to chance, but finding ways to improve my odds, and the best way to do that without appearing like you're 'searching for love' is to just mix with as many different people and situations as possible. Also a great way to make new friends.

 

lets say at any social gathering or event you have between 1% and 5% chance (depending on the event) of meeting someone unattached you share chemistry with. So go to about 10 different things in a month and you have 10% - 50% chance of meeting a potential.

 

Staying home or with the same group of friends your chances are maybe between 0% and .005%