LostOnLI Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 So without going into too much of the background info (available in my other posts). I was with my girlfriend for 2 years. She always complained that seeing her on the weekends was not enough, she missed me terribly. Like most, I did not notice the warning signs until it was too late. Here is the timelie: Last weekend she told me we need time apart. I said fine, but do you need the time to get your thoughts straight or date? She said date. I went home and started my investigation. I found out that for the past 2 weeks she was talking to on older married male. She also set up a first date with him on wednesday morning. I went into panic mode, and tried to salvage the relationship. I went to see her on Monday and offered to make time to see her more often, even start doing my homeworks at her place so that we can be together. Of course her mind was made up, and since we were technicaly "on a break" confronting her would only make her meet the guy more. So I did not tell her that I know, braced for impact and witnessed(not literally) my girlfriend meet and then have sex with a married man. They met again yesterday (friday). Frustrated, I anonymously tipped off the OMs wife. She called my girlfriend and confronted her. Within 30 minutes I got the angry call from my ex. Since the guy never came up in our conversations, I pretended to be surprised and hurt. I told her I had no idea and the she hurt me...which she did. She does not have any proof, but does claim that it was me. I realize that this will probably be a short lived thing. I may not even want to be with her when she comes back around, but I would not want her to think it was me that let the wife know. So this tuesday she is supposed to come over and pick up her things. I plan on reassuring her that I was not the whistle blower. Now Should I: a) continue claiming that I had no idea the were seeing each other, and since it has been less than a week since our breakup im really hurt b) I knew all along, and If I wanted to tip off the wife, I woudl have done that before they met for the first time. I could bring up details about their first meeting like the diner they met at, time date..However I did not say anything hoping that SHE would make the right choice... Thank You in Advance
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 god bless sometimes i love LS. I thought i did some crazy **** when I was in school. When she comes over, you're angry at her. You're pissed that when you were asking her to work it out, she went out and screwed a guy. Don't say "had sex," say "screwed" or "f***d." You want her to "get her **** out" and leave you alone. This is how someone who did NOT know and tip off the W would act. At this point...your goal should be that she goes away and doesn't talk to you. It's too late for reconciliation, and was probably too late before you ratted her out. Your goal is for her to get her stuff, have a cathartic fight where you tell her off (and she tells you off), then she leaves and you DO NOT CALL HER. Here's the only path for reconciliation that I see: After a few days, she might actually call you to ask if she can see you or talk to you. Your response is that you're happy to hear her voice, but you're still pretty pissed at her. Maybe give you a few days to think about it. Then wait between 24 and 48 hours to call her back to say you're still hurt, but you'll see her for coffe. When you show up, tell her how nice (notice I did not say 'pretty or beaut., i said 'nice') she looks today and compliment something other which is not her breasts, eyes, or hair. Put your hand on hers while you talk with her. If she doesn't call you....well then she isnt' ready to get back together and you need to move on.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This^^^ but with a few less fireworks and not so "ultimate endy" Wow good for you, that took some balls! One MM down, about 999,999,998 to go!
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Make sure you drill the wife of the other guy, then say good bye to your ex.
Emme Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I can't stop laughing... ... What a post! Honey I say you don't say nothing to her. As a matter a act when she coms have her stuff at the door ready and kick it out to her.. then slam thedoor shut. End of. You don't want to get back with her find someone else. Great story .
SoMovinOn Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Help her get her stuff & let her go. Contemplate the role lies and games have in a relationship. Don't stop until you conclude they have no place in a relationship.
TigerCub Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 OP the one thing I don't get is this: Why is it OK for you to lie but not for her? I'm not saying that you should stay with her or any of that crap - but stand behind your actions, like you would have wanted her to stand behind hers. She actually wanted a break from you and she told you it was to date - she was honest then. I also don't know how you know for sure she screwed the MM on the date they had after you guys broke up - how do you know that? Either way, regardless of all that, I just think its very hypocritical of you to "blow the whistle" on her and now feel completely justified in lying to her. You're so pissed that she's a liar (I can understand that), but be better than her, stand behind YOUR choices and actions.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 She actually wanted a break from you and she told you it was to date - she was honest then. That's not being honest, and it's still cheating (and he found out she was cheating before she even said she wanted a "break"), plus she only wanted to keep him on the side so she can screw whoever she wanted without consequences. He didn't do anything wrong, she did.
TigerCub Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 That's not being honest, and it's still cheating (and he found out she was cheating before she even said she wanted a "break"), his words: "Last weekend she told me we need time apart. I said fine, but do you need the time to get your thoughts straight or date? She said date. I went home and started my investigation." he found about it after she asked for a break. He didn't do anything wrong, she did. I don't think he did anything wrong by tipping off the BS - I think he's being a hypocrite if he's going to lie about it now - why lie? why is his lie any better than her lie? a lie is a lie! He's just as bad if he lies, because that would make him a cowardly liar - and that's what all cheaters are always described as - it doesn't matter if the lie is about cheating or not- the point is - if he's going to do something at least be man enough to stand behind it. - why lie? I'm not saying she didn't do wrong - she did, but if he lies about his part (telling the BS) - then that just makes him a lying coward.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 his words: "Last weekend she told me we need time apart. I said fine, but do you need the time to get your thoughts straight or date? She said date. I went home and started my investigation." he found about it after she asked for a break. But the fact remains she still cheated, with a married man. I don't think he did anything wrong by tipping off the BS - I think he's being a hypocrite if he's going to lie about it now - why lie? why is his lie any better than her lie? a lie is a lie! He's just as bad if he lies, because that would make him a cowardly liar - and that's what all cheaters are always described as - it doesn't matter if the lie is about cheating or not- the point is - if he's going to do something at least be man enough to stand behind it. - why lie? He can lie to her if he wants to. He's no longer with her so as a result, he's not a hypocrite. I'm not saying she didn't do wrong - she did, but if he lies about his part (telling the BS) - then that just makes him a lying coward. So now he's a coward because he got cheated on and told the BW without revealing his part in it? GTFOH. If anyone's a coward, it's his ex skanky girlfriend and that married wuss who's cheating on his wife.
Author LostOnLI Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Tiger By het finding out I am burning bridges...that is the only reason I'm hesitating. Maybe im holdin on to false hope, maybe when/if she comes back around I may have moved on, but this keeps my options open. I did see long term potential there BEFORE things started going south...
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Tiger By het finding out I am burning bridges...that is the only reason I'm hesitating. Maybe im holdin on to false hope, maybe when/if she comes back around I may have moved on, but this keeps my options open. I did see long term potential there BEFORE things started going south... Well now you have your answer on whether she is a good person to be with.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Tiger By het finding out I am burning bridges...that is the only reason I'm hesitating. Maybe im holdin on to false hope, maybe when/if she comes back around I may have moved on, but this keeps my options open. I did see long term potential there BEFORE things started going south... I don't think you owe her anything at this point. Play it out like you feel you need to. The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter how the BS found out, it was a timebomb anyways. Just keep your head up.
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'm not saying she didn't do wrong - she did, but if he lies about his part (telling the BS) - then that just makes him a lying coward. I don't like the word coward. None of us knows enough to judge his actions, to start with. His acceptance of unacceptable behaviour (dating other men is unacceptable to him) and use of covert tactics (investigating in the background, telling tales, lying) says to me here's someone who doesn't have better skills or experience to deal with the difficulties he's facing. That he changes is mind and is confused suggests he's acting in a way that isn't as authentic, instant, apparent, and self-preserving as he'd like to be. He's asked for help here. Judging him is very unlikely to deliver that. In the short term, I think he needs to keep away from this woman. This will give him space to come to terms with how he feels, process his feelings, and gather new skills and ideas for how to move forward with his life. In short, you've suffered some serious psychological wounds and further contact with this woman at this time will only serve to keep picking at the scabs. If you need to exchange things (like her stuff) put it in a box, leave the box on your doorstep 30 minutes before a time agreed for her to collect it, and go out of the house so you are not there when she turns up. Alternatively, pass them to a third party to pass to her. A courier perhaps, or a friend. Block her on all social media. Change your mobile number. Phones ringing, texts, emails are all communication between you two. The wondering if it's her is a form of communication. No contact. It is for your own good.
Author LostOnLI Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Thank you for the support. I actually do not mind some CREATIVE criticism. After all Im here for closure and to learn from my mistakes. Considering the turn of events, even pre MM. How should I have handled this relationships...??? Thank You
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Well Lost, it does sound like she told you many times that she felt like weekends only wasn't enough, yet you only tried to change it as she was walking out the door... Yet she was cheating while "complaining" to him, and when she walked out the door. Although I fail to see how she could have expected much more than that from a MM. That's all I can see. Other than that, you just can't control whether or not someone decides you may just not be the one they see themselves with forever. Agreed. She isn't the one for him.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 No I think he said she complained about only seeing him on weekends the whole time, and the cheating was only right before she broke it off with him. I think that's what he said anyway. It wasn't right before she said she wanted a break and even if it was, it doesn't minimize her destructive actions to her ex and to the BW.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 We have already established that cheating is wrong. He asked how he could have managed his relationship better. Right but the cheating and destruction of the relationship is soley her fault, her doing.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 @WorldIsYours. The world isn't really yours. Who said it was mine SummersEve? It is sneaking around with some other galaxy behind your back. The other galaxy is hung like a red giant. They are laughing at you. That's the corniest joke you've posted so far. Summers eventually turn to long, cold winter nights.
Author LostOnLI Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Hmmmm...I starting to think that this would not have happened if I only showed her more attention
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hmmmm...I starting to think that this would not have happened if I only showed her more attention Dude do not think that way. Don't you dare try to take fault for something you didn't cause. She chose to cheat on you before you even found out, with a married man because she's selfish and has her own problems. Because she wanted to. If she really cared she would've worked out a plan for you guys' relationship issues, not be a selfish 304 and try to justify her cheating with someone's husband.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 If you saw her all week she would have accused you of smothering her. People like her will never be satisfied and will use any excuse they can to do what they do. There is no pleasing them.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 She is totally responsible for the cheating. If she was that far gone with no going back she should've ended it.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 If you saw her all week she would have accused you of smothering her. People like her will never be satisfied and will use any excuse they can to do what they do. There is no pleasing them. Exactly.:laugh:
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