Irrelevant Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 This is strange, for I could have never imagined life to be so ironic, and this so painful. I`ve met my now wife 6 years ago, we got married last year. I`ve cheated on my wife several times, I never got caught. My wife is 25, I`m 27. We don`t yet have children. She wanted a beautiful wedding, we had one. However on a intellectual level I don`t feel we have connected that well, we don`t watch movies together, we don`t do a great deal of stuff together, and I find it difficult to talk to her about my troubles. It`s worth mentioning that it is usually my fault, as I`m not very "implicated". I actually find it difficult to talk to anyone, including family, about my thoughts, my feelings, I`m concrete on the outside. Funny thing is that being very reliable, and not very sentimental, makes people tell you their problems, and family, wife included, always expect you to be there for them. My work involves leaving home for 3-4 days a week for another town, 100 miles away. Coming home today I cried for about half the trip, alone in my car, thinking, but mostly crying. I have had many short affairs, mostly sexual encounters, but I`ve met intelligent, attractive women, with whom I`ve connected on some level, we had "chemistry". However, always when home I felt the "warmth" of the place, I do love my wife. 9 years ago, during my college years, I came home (parents house) for the weekend, as usually. My sister was just starting 9th grade. I recall siting on the couch in the living room when a classmate of my sister passed on the way to her room. I recall that face, it`s a picture in my memory, I recall everything, clothes, eyes, hair style, a beautiful young lady (15 at the time). And that was it, I met her several times afterwards, she and my sister became close friends (she became a usual at my home). I always found her very attractive sexually, but never started a real conversation, it was just hi and hello and a smile (she was 15!!!). I was to meet my actual wife 3 years latter. 4 years later, being with my -now- wife, I went to a club with a good friend. This wasnt in my home town but in the town I attended college. We set down, checking the joint for girls . A attractive young lady, totally drunk, comes to our table, sits down, I didn`t recognize her until she mentioned who she was (my sisters classmate). I gave her some more to drink, we talked, I found it funny how childish and drunk she was. She gave me her cell. I asked. My friend and I left, she staid with her friends. I recall my friend telling me in the car not to call her, as she knew my wife, she was "to close", it wasn`t safe. I never called. Fast forward 3 years, my sister calls, asks if I can give her friend a ride to the town she attends college (it was in my way). I agreed. And here she came, beautiful, tall, young lady. I was always thinking "I would **** that". We talked in the car. At first I thought, how sad, she became a crack addict (turns out completely false), changed her hair, cut it short, blonde with shades of blue, a very futurist look. I remember being impressed by how smart she was, and how well she could handle the conversation. Fast forward to autumn 2010, our wedding (me and my wife), the attractive young lady arranged with my wife to be one of the hostesses for the guests. I noticed this arrangement at the wedding. A note of irony, at the wedding, my best friend, who is also married, discretely pointed at the hostess, and asked me if I was crazy getting married, when he was thinking about a divorce, started laughing, and went to dance with his wife. 2 months later a good friend of mine invited me to the opening of his bar, I didn`t want to go, but was convinced by another close friend. I went, sat down, one boring hour passed, the door opened, the attractive young lady shows up out of nowhere with another close friend of my wife and sister. They noticed our table, came and sat down. She picked the chair near mine, I was playing with the wedding ring on my finger. We talked. At that point I was thinking she would do for a great **** on the sidelines. I asked her what did she do with the joint I gave her when I gave her a ride (1 year prior). Did she smoke it? She smiled, and said no, it was still in her drawer, at home. We agreed to go get it. In the car I just snapped and I kissed her, she said "nothing happened", I laughed, she looked scared but intrigued, we parked, talked for a few minutes and than we just kissed passionately for half and hour. The young lady I tough would be a great **** (which it was/is) turned out to be an intelligent, funny, great looking woman. Later we started to enjoy movies together, to stay up all night and talk, talk about things I`ve never shared (OR FELT THE NEED TO SHARE) with anyone, we cuddled in bed and started at each other and smiled, we made love for days in a row and never left my work apartment (2011). When I came home tonight, I looked at my wife, I kissed her, I told her I love her, my eyes red from crying half the way. She went to bed, I`m still writing this, I went and kissed her again, and felt compelled to start crying again. I don`t often experience feelings, I don`t feel compelled to cry much, or even if I do, I don`t. Usually when with friends, wife or family I can`t talk about my issues, toughs, I`m an "icy" guy, to say the least. Except for 2 close (very close) friends of mine nobody knows, and they think shes just a great ****, although I have never elaborated on the subject. So this is where I`m standing at this point, married to beautiful woman, whom I do love, I know that much, and crazy in love with a beautiful lady I first met 9 years ago. A divorce would be something that my family/wife's family would not understand, my wife, for sure, would be heartbroken, badly (contemplate suicide?!), my grandma would probably die. My wife's parents, who separated and got back together after I talked to them (4 years ago), would be a mess. My friends would think I`m insane, for real, the young's ladies friends, including my sister, would think she is a spineless whore. All her friends actually know my sister, most of them know me (the older brother). On the way home, crying, listening to Moby and contemplating suicide (I thought about smashing the car in a wall, does that count?), I kept asking myself what should I do. I feel how I`m being ripped apart, my mind just goes blank and I start to cry. I have no answer.
Author Irrelevant Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Why would I do that? Do you think the shrink read about this in some book? And might help me? Give me some pills? That is not actually how I see life, I believe there are smart, intelligent people, whom, from their own experience, can share solutions and toughs, that is why you have forums.
TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Why would I do that? Do you think the shrink read about this in some book? And might help me? Give me some pills? That is not actually how I see life, I believe there are smart, intelligent people, whom, from their own experience, can share solutions and toughs, that is why you have forums. because you talk of suicide.
Author Irrelevant Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Pills and shrinks are the answer? <sarc on> In that case suicide is the best option </sarc off>
fail Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 The get help response could have been better worded. Each person's experience is unique. Even if there are similarities we are all too different to go off of what someone else did in a similar situation. It might not be bad idea to talk to counselor/therapist. I know in going in I felt like I was weak in doing this. It's not like they just snap their fingers, you have to work at it. If you don't want to put in the effort, then there is no sense in carrying on with the lies. Although you make it seem like the entire world revolves around you with your comments. It doesn't. People will have broken hearts and find ways to move on. The world keeps spinning and life carries on even when we have to step away to deal with things like this. Seems like you need to own up and be honest with your wife. You are lying to her and yourself. For what it's worth, I do somewhat understand what you are going through.
Author Irrelevant Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Although you make it seem like the entire world revolves around you with your comments. It doesn't. People will have broken hearts and find ways to move on. The world keeps spinning and life carries on even when we have to step away to deal with things like this. Thanks is a very good point. Thanks.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Okay, I don't know quite how to tell you this but you have some serious judgment and intimacy issues. You may think that they are normal and jutifiable, but they are not. Please do some research into conflict avoidance, love addiction, sexual addiction and EMDR therapy. Seek out an EMDR therapist and get assessed to see if you might benefit from it. It is like having REM sleep but tuned up a bit to help your brain process confusion and trauma. Was your early care disrupted before 6 months of age? Are you adopted or anything like that (not from birth). There is a problem with the brain's circuitry if you are having regular random sexual encounters and believing yourself to be in love with your wife and then pursuing an outside partner as well. We can say that you have strong feelings and that would be fine and good, but in most normal people they are able to see the long-term affects and empathize with the people that they are betraying. You can see the pain that you will cause them and not in a guilt or shaming way. These encounters hold more sway on your identity and sense of self then you are probably willing to admit. You probably also wonder why you can't just be happy and intimate with your wife. Perhaps you blame her, especially in light of this other woman. It is not your wife. The other woman and your relationship will not be any more stable. Once the early rush of infatuation hormones settle slightly, you will be back in the same boat but with someone who is much more willing to have a dysfunctional relationship. Please seek out an EMDR therapist as soon as possible.
sniffys Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 k ..youre infatuated. in love means - u want this person to make u happy love means- u want to make this person happy. i got the gigs a lot of times in my life (gigs-grass is greener syndrome), its kind of ruined my life the first time it happened. im trying to not let it happen again.. dont let it happen to you, you can still save this. i know how u feel about not having an intellectual connection, but dont look at it that way, try to find another means of connecting to your wife, if the intellectual part doesnt work..find something. only reason why u are infatuated w/ the other woman is because she presents stuff that is lacking in your current marriage, are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for these things? also if that other woman knows u are cheating on your wife to be with her, dont u think she might cheat on you too?
Disastor Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Dude... Getting caught isn't the only danger of messing around with someone while you are married to someone else. When are you intimate with someone you run the real risk of becoming attached. I know it's pointless to realize that now (the damage has already been done), but it's just an idea on how to maybe change things in the future. You want my advice? Stick with your wife. You married her for a reason. Stop messing around. Talk to a counselor. Don't do anything rash. You love the new girl (or at least you think you do, which is basically the same thing). You love your wife. You have a life with your wife though. You have a family that supports both of you. Don't throw that away.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 If he is 27 and has been messing around this frequently, he'll got caught within the next 3 years, I guarantee it, especially if he is this attached to OW. He's too sloppy.
Conchita Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Mate...you have an existential crisis. You're also confused about what is love, dependency, infatuation, sex, interest, and comfort, and how this terms relate with each other. You need to meditate.
Fufu Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I have finally take time to read this thread, here's my take. "I`ve cheated on my wife several times, I never got caught." What do you mean by this? If you are not caught, you will continue to cheat on your wife? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I have had many short affairs, mostly sexual encounters, but I`ve met intelligent, attractive women, with whom I`ve connected on some level, we had "chemistry". However, always when home I felt the "warmth" of the place, I do love my wife." When you love your wife, you love your wife and not by cheating on her countless times. Ask yourself this, if your wife is the one who is doing the cheating on you and come over to this forum and still claims she loves you. How would you feel? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ People make mistakes, however are you being remorseful? If you are, do the right thing and stop making mistakes in your marriage.
betterdeal Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 (edited) First of all, suicide is not the answer. It's a permanent answer to a temporary problem. If you have suicidal thoughts do not drive as you may hurt or possibly even kill someone. Get yourself to somewhere you feel safe, such as a park bench, for instance, or pull the car over, stop it and slow your breathing down. You are going to calm yourself down. This is the right thing to do if you are in control of a car. If you continue to have suicidal thoughts, contact emergency services immediately and let them know what you are feeling and how intense the feelings are. Is it that you feel afraid? Lost? Bewildered? Let them know. If they do not respond, contact any other service dedicated to helping people in emergencies or a trusted friend if you don't feel able to do this yourself. You're unwell. Time to ask people who are more well to help you a little. Do you feel you can do this? Edited April 7, 2011 by betterdeal
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