siuys Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hi all, 2.5 weeks into NC and I'm feeling low. Was doing really well with the occasional dip but today hasn't been that good. Finding myself thinking what if... why... what... useless thoughts I know but can't seem to switch off. Sleep is better but still not great. I toyed with the idea of contacting xMM but what is the point? He already told me he cannot give me what I want. The ending was not so amicable with me being very angry at him. He probably was pissed off at me for ending it too, and then I changed my mind from "I do not want you to contact me until you're 100% ready" to "I do not want to hear from you ever again". I had to do that so I can finish this thing once and for all and move on. Despite initial relief, I am feeling this stuff is tough. I find myself wondering if he even cared, if he thinks about me etc. I tell myself that it's no use, and I must get out of this dysfunctional and toxic situation. Good luck with those of you who are in NC. Hopefully in the not so distant future I will post again having moved forward a bit more...
ChocCheesecake Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. Good for you that you stood up and put your own needs first. I hear you on being afraid that he is mad at you and caring about what he is thinking. I am the same way, but really - what he thinks or doesn't think is totally out of your control and you'll never REALLY know what's going on in someone else's head. I torture myself and believe the worst (he hates me, thinks I am disgusting, etc etc), but it only upsets ME. Chances are, these guys' mental pictures of what went on will paint them in a positive light...but so be it. If a MM who is having an affair or being totally inappropriate with another woman wants to think he is the good guy, or the victim, then let him. It's his problem, and his wife's, but fortunately not ours. I am sorry for your pain. My situation never got physical - thank goodness - I can't imagine where I would be right now emotionally if it had - but it's been very painful nonetheless and I wouldn't wish this on my enemy. Take care.
orangelady Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 (edited) He already told me he cannot give me what I want. There is your answer, and you accepted it and made a decision on this. Good on you. Good luck with those of you who are in NC. Hopefully in the not so distant future I will post again having moved forward a bit more... Sorry you are feeling this. I've been sort of in the same situation with this really depressed person. I gave an ultimatum and he did not meet it and drew a line. It is always good to give it up after a while when you have enough. You think about it a lot because it's recent and a lot of emotions were involved. Give yourself some time and good on you for making the right decision. Now at least you have hope of a better future with someone else who actually cares. Edited April 3, 2011 by orangelady
Emme Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Sorry that today is a bad day for you. It's hard for all of us every day goign through not having any contact. Some days hurt more than ever when the memories sneek up on you. I have my pictures of the past and It seems like I'm going bakwards if I look at them. I would give anythingto have my friend back. I just want my friend. I am sorry things didn't end the way you hoped. It's hard no matter if it's in person or not... more so actually if not in person. To not see each other for the last time or to hug or hold someone you love is heart breaking. Just repeat to yourself it's best to let go of a love that is not yours. If he was yours he would be next to you right now. I am having a bad day and night. I am listening to a song I shouldn't be listened to but I am... I'll just cry an let it out. Don't hold your emotions in... damn it scream if you're mad and cry if you're sad. It helps. :bunny:HUG:bunny:
Author siuys Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks everyone for your support. I agree with not holding your emotions in. And I don't. I talk to my closest friends, or post on here. But I have not shed a tear. Not sure why. Maybe like my friend said, coz I'm so over it (tho' not over it) if you know what I mean. I am sure I will be ok again soon. It's just a down day, not the end of the world. And I'd be damned if I let myself back into that situation.
ChocCheesecake Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I would give anything to have my friend back. Yup. It's the worst part in all of this.
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I re'd to you in a different thread...now that I've seen THIS thread i've got to re here. HUGE HUG, because you are doing great and you get a hug today. And a gold star for doing the right thing for you, even though it hurts. Some days we eat our vegetables, and we feel better. Sleep will improve, give it time. Watch your eating. It will be easy to eat too much and unhealthy, or not at all. Start exercising every day, even it if is just walking. If you already exercise...dial it up for the next few weeks. At 2 days in on NC i was going nuts. On 1 week in I went to a therapist. I really suggest therapy right now, and the goal to tell therapist is "i want coping mechanisms to get through this pain, then i want to get over this breakup, then i want to learn why i let myself into this situation and how to improve any weaknesses that got me here." At 2 weeks in, there would be days that were a little better...than flareups that were so crippling. The first flareup that happened, my mentor (who was a few weeks ahead of me in NC) told me 'these bad moments come very suddenly, and they also leave very suddenly.' She was right. It's a really bad moment for you, but it will get better. Have you done a cleanup, yet? Put everything you have that reminds you of him / is from him in a box, and put the box out of sight. Take his number off your phone, his email off your contact list, block him as a sender on gmail, etc. Move any digital stuff to backup and put it out of your easy reach. This cleanup will help you a bit today, it's taking control. It will continue to help you, by putting this stuff out of reach. It gets better. Keep resisting the urge to break NC. Go read some posts from those who broke it, see how they regret doing so. It gets better. We are here with you. I'm a few weeks ahead of you in NC, i'll bet you can catch up. There might be someone contemplating NC reading your posts...you are encouraging her, keep showing her the way.
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 But I have not shed a tear. Not sure why. Maybe it's time to sit down, tell yourself that it is OVER and let yourself cry about that, then move on. I cried several times...and i'm a guy. I can't imagine not crying about this, at least a little. I'm concerned that maybe you haven't let yourself cry, because you're afraid to let that out. Maybe you're holding the pain in, to use it as anger. If so...you're near a good point to cry and let it out. Don't have plans for the evening you do this, btw.
Emme Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Yup. It's the worst part in all of this. I swear I thought the physical affair would be the hardest. Had no clue my emotional attachment to him would eat me up like this. If I could turn back time I would have never begun this... maybe ended it when we were in serious realtionships was the best thing. Now I miss my side kick and I am stuck without him. Forever... It's like a bad horror movie.
Author siuys Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 I re'd to you in a different thread...now that I've seen THIS thread i've got to re here. HUGE HUG, because you are doing great and you get a hug today. And a gold star for doing the right thing for you, even though it hurts. Some days we eat our vegetables, and we feel better. Sleep will improve, give it time. Watch your eating. It will be easy to eat too much and unhealthy, or not at all. Start exercising every day, even it if is just walking. If you already exercise...dial it up for the next few weeks. At 2 days in on NC i was going nuts. On 1 week in I went to a therapist. I really suggest therapy right now, and the goal to tell therapist is "i want coping mechanisms to get through this pain, then i want to get over this breakup, then i want to learn why i let myself into this situation and how to improve any weaknesses that got me here." At 2 weeks in, there would be days that were a little better...than flareups that were so crippling. The first flareup that happened, my mentor (who was a few weeks ahead of me in NC) told me 'these bad moments come very suddenly, and they also leave very suddenly.' She was right. It's a really bad moment for you, but it will get better. Have you done a cleanup, yet? Put everything you have that reminds you of him / is from him in a box, and put the box out of sight. Take his number off your phone, his email off your contact list, block him as a sender on gmail, etc. Move any digital stuff to backup and put it out of your easy reach. This cleanup will help you a bit today, it's taking control. It will continue to help you, by putting this stuff out of reach. It gets better. Keep resisting the urge to break NC. Go read some posts from those who broke it, see how they regret doing so. It gets better. We are here with you. I'm a few weeks ahead of you in NC, i'll bet you can catch up. There might be someone contemplating NC reading your posts...you are encouraging her, keep showing her the way. Thanks, Flabber – for your hugs, for your support and advice. I have already done all of the above. I think I'm over the anger stage now, and just feeling sad. I am not one to hold back emotions or tears, so maybe they will come, maybe they won't. In fact, it would be good coz then I can then feel relief. Don't know. If it happens, it happens I guess. I highly doubt I will break NC. I will never forget what it felt like. And I couldn't possibly handle any more flip flopping or crumbs. He is not worth it, really. I just have to let it go but I guess it's still early days. Thanks. Your support is appreciated. I am glad you are few weeks into NC...
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