Trying to hold it together with WW

[dryerase]

Decimated,

 

Tears came to my eyes reading your posts. I was, until recently, a WW, and your posts made me feel incredibly ashamed for the way I behaved to my family. Some of the things your wife was doing reminded me of myself and my husband - used to be 50/50, then he had to bear more of the brunt of things while I explored the affair, on the Internet all the time to chat with the OM, ignoring responsibilities at home, taking little trips with him for coffee, etc. It all just makes me sick now to hear about things from your perspective.

 

Your wife sounds clinically depressed to me. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe it is just the affair fog, but it sounds like she needs some professional help. If it just the affair fog, from someone who has been in it, this is powerful and withdrawing from it is akin to a state of depression. Like a lot of other posters, I really believe you need to be strong, set serious ultimatums, set a date by which you want her to shape up, otherwise you ship out and file for divorce. If that doesn't snap her out of the affair fog, nothing will, and you made the right decision.

 

Thinking about you and your kids, and hoping that things get better for you all soon.

[Binster]

Just to answer the question of why your wife wanted to know how you paid for the GPS, it's so she can check and find out if she's still being tracked.

She's moody and depressed, because the affair has finished and she misses it and blames you. Or because she wants to continue the affair and cant because she doesn't know if your tracking her, for which she blames you.

Keep the the GPS on let her think you've stoped, get a keylogger and put a VAR in her car. Start puting money on one side to pay the lawyer.

[Decimated]

Hi, it's me again. Thanks again for all of your responses.

 

Here is the situation since my last post.

My wife seems to be doing better around the house. We are talking about everyday things like the children, household stuff and even our jobs and family matters just fine. We even joke around and are somewhat playful at times. This is good progress in my mind. She has been more engaged in helping around the house and interestingly enough, online looking at vacation destinations and checking hotels and rates for our family trips this year. Why would someone who is checking out of a marriage be planning our future vacations ? To a casual observer there would be no sign of any problems. I notice that her eye contact is not as much as it use to be pre affair. She does not casually touch me as much...holding hands or butt pats. It does happen but it is still rare.

 

Saturday we went out to dinner with the kids. Sunday she went to church with us. Later in the day, just her and I went shopping for furniture for one of my kids rooms that she has redesigned. We seemed to have a good time. We were talking a lot and even stopped for a bite of lunch and shared a piece chocolate of pie (her idea). It was a little uncomfortable for me in the since that I was always worried to say the right things and stay upbeat and interesting. I feel pressure to impress her in some way. I want her to see me as someone that she wants to be around….the guy she fell in love with. She seemed to have a good time and was happy. Again, the her eye contact was not as good as it was before the affair. It feels like she is trying to reconnect with me emotionally but in small steps.

 

On most days we share nice hugs and kisses when I leave for work or return home but there is still no sex...I have not initiated. We have always slept in the same bed. Interestingly enough, while sleeping, she always maintains physical contact with me. There have been nights where I have moved away and she will work her way next to me again. We have a big bed so if she did not want to touch me, all she would have to do is move over.

 

I have decided to not to bring up her affair and press her for answers or conversation regarding it. In the past, when I do this she changes instantly from being happy to almost immediately going into a defensive, cold, shut down mode….the evil twin. This approach does not seem to help in anyway. I feel like she is trying to reconnect with me and these affair conversations cause a setback in any progress. She even said over a month ago that when I try to talk to her about it or get answers, I drives her away.

 

It is my feeling that she has compartmentalized her affair. When she is forced to go into that compartment she shuts down and will not talk about. The reasons could be like fear, guilt, shame or sadness among others. I think she had developed real feelings for the OM and she is letting go by locking them up. During this time she had disconnected from me. I could be wrong but I feel like she is trying to reconnect with me but it will take time and patience on my part. She needs time to fall in love with me again. This is a difficult situation for me to be in. Part of me wants to go dark and distant (hard 180) from her but doing this, I feel, will cause her not to trust me and will have the adverse affect that I want to achieve. She needs to feel comfortable with us in order to open up. I think she needs to trust me in order to reconnect. Keep in mind, she is looking at me through the eyes of someone who has lied and deceived….guilty conscience. She may now feel that I am capable of this as well. I feel that once she reconnects with me and feels safe, she will be able to start talking about everything without fear of driving me away or her feeling her own pain.

 

I do not think she is still in contact anymore with him although, I cannot be sure. GPS tracker shows nothing out of the ordinary. She leaves her receipts laying around so I compare the check out times against the GPS times to look for gaps. I am still keeping my eyes on things but I will not ask her for complete itineraries. I will let her think that I am not interested in that anymore. Hopefully, If she slips up I will know.

Edited April 11, 2011 by Decimated

[WorldIsYours]

Hi, it's me again. Thanks again for all of your responses.

 

Here is the situation since my last post.

My wife seems to be doing better around the house. We are talking about everyday things like the children, household stuff and even our jobs and family matters just fine. We even joke around and are somewhat playful at times. This is good progress in my mind. She has been more engaged in helping around the house and interestingly enough, online looking at vacation destinations and checking hotels and rates for our family trips this year. Why would someone who is checking out of a marriage be planning our future vacations ? To a casual observer there would be no sign of any problems. I notice that her eye contact is not as much as it use to be pre affair. She does not casually touch me as much...holding hands or butt pats. It does happen but it is still rare.

 

Saturday we went out to dinner with the kids. Sunday she went to church with us. Later in the day, just her and I went shopping for furniture for one of my kids rooms that she has redesigned. We seemed to have a good time. We were talking a lot and even stopped for a bite of lunch and shared a piece chocolate of pie (her idea). It was a little uncomfortable for me in the since that I was always worried to say the right things and stay upbeat and interesting. I feel pressure to impress her in some way. I want her to see me as someone that she wants to be around….the guy she fell in love with. She seemed to have a good time and was happy. Again, the her eye contact was not as good as it was before the affair. It feels like she is trying to reconnect with me emotionally but in small steps.

 

On most days we share nice hugs and kisses when I leave for work or return home but there is still no sex...I have not initiated. We have always slept in the same bed. Interestingly enough, while sleeping, she always maintains physical contact with me. There have been nights where I have moved away and she will work her way next to me again. We have a big bed so if she did not want to touch me, all she would have to do is move over.

 

I have decided to not to bring up her affair and press her for answers or conversation regarding it. In the past, when I do this she changes instantly from being happy to almost immediately going into a defensive, cold, shut down mode….the evil twin. This approach does not seem to help in anyway. I feel like she is trying to reconnect with me and these affair conversations cause a setback in any progress. She even said over a month ago that when I try to talk to her about it or get answers, I drives her away.

 

It is my feeling that she has compartmentalized her affair. When she is forced to go into that compartment she shuts down and will not talk about. The reasons could be like fear, guilt, shame or sadness among others. I think she had developed real feelings for the OM and she is letting go by locking them up. During this time she had disconnected from me. I could be wrong but I feel like she is trying to reconnect with me but it will take time and patience on my part. She needs time to fall in love with me again. This is a difficult situation for me to be in. Part of me wants to go dark and distant (hard 180) from her but doing this, I feel, will cause her not to trust me and will have the adverse affect that I want to achieve. She needs to feel comfortable with us in order to open up. I think she needs to trust me in order to reconnect. Keep in mind, she is looking at me through the eyes of someone who has lied and deceived….guilty conscience. She may now feel that I am capable of this as well. I feel that once she reconnects with me and feels safe, she will be able to start talking about everything without fear of driving me away or her feeling her own pain.

 

I do not think she is still in contact anymore with him although, I cannot be sure. GPS tracker shows nothing out of the ordinary. She leaves her receipts laying around so I compare the check out times against the GPS times to look for gaps. I am still keeping my eyes on things but I will not ask her for complete itineraries. I will let her think that I am not interested in that anymore. Hopefully, If she slips up I will know.

 

Please leave this woman. She's playing you so she can continue cheating. Stop letting her have her cake and eat it.

[RobD70]

I’ve been where you are at and thought the same things, trying to rationalize what I should do. I did what are planning to do now.

The wife and I were really starting to bond, much more than what you are experiencing now. We were thinking of getting a new house and even having a baby, we were planning for a long future together. About 3 weeks later she was gone and telling the OM she couldn’t wait to get married to him and at the same time was telling the MC I was the perfect husband.

 

I feel pressure to impress her in some way. I want her to see me as someone that she wants to be around….the guy she fell in love with.

This isn’t going to work. All you are doing is enabling her and she is losing respect for you because you are turning into a doormat. What she did was wrong and you are basically REWARDING her for cheating by being good to her. She is not going to fall in love with you kissing her butt.

 

I think she had developed real feelings for the OM and she is letting go by locking them up. During this time she had disconnected from me. I could be wrong but I feel like she is trying to reconnect with me but it will take time and patience on my part. She needs time to fall in love with me again.

She’s not going to, she just put her affair in remission but I bet dollars to donuts that all she does is fantasize about the OM. Her feelings for him haven’t gone away.

 

Part of me wants to go dark and distant (hard 180) from her but doing this, I feel, will cause her not to trust me and will have the adverse affect that I want to achieve. She needs to feel comfortable with us in order to open up. I think she needs to trust me in order to reconnect.

No, if anything the OPPOSITE is true. She needs to live in fear of you up and living at a moment’s notice. She doesn’t care about security right now because she knows you will always be there and that’s boring. You want to wake up her feelings towards you? File for a divorce and start apartment hunting. Let her know you will be fine without her in your life and see how she reacts.

 

I feel that once she reconnects with me and feels safe, she will be able to start talking about everything without fear of driving me away or her feeling her own pain.

Most likely she will get sick of you and leave. She already feels “safe” (what’s she afraid of?) but that isn’t a priority. The problem is she doesn’t feel passion for you and the nicer you are to her the more she will look down on you. Think “tough love” because nothing short of that will work on a WW.

 

My wife FINALLY came around for good when I sent an email stating “I want to get this embarrassment of a marriage over with.” That worked better than butt kissing I ever did.

 

That being said, you need to leave her because she is not marriage material and will cheat again. Nobody should put up with that much disrespect.

[Steadfast]

I think she needs to trust me in order to reconnect. Keep in mind, she is looking at me through the eyes of someone who has lied and deceived….guilty conscience. She may now feel that I am capable of this as well. I feel that once she reconnects with me and feels safe, she will be able to start talking about everything without fear of driving me away or her feeling her own pain.

 

What you're saying might be true Decimated. She may be feeling guilt, but (at least) in equal measure she's feeling fear. By what you've said, she stands to lose a lot. In turn, you're also afraid....of losing her, of losing your money and having your family split apart. The result is, she is calling the shots; stringing you along while she figures it out while you're doing all you can to keep her from leaving. She knows you are afraid of her; of her anger. She has a hammer raised above your head and you both know she's capable of bringing it down. She has proven that and more. Hasn't she?

 

Two people, both afraid, but for different reasons.

 

You think you are doing the right thing. It may feel right, it may be what your gut is telling you to do. Protect, be loving, be understanding and patient. But you have to realize what is really happening.

 

Replay: she cheated, and you're walking on eggshells trying to win her love back. Even if you are successful and she stays, in whatever capacity, in the long term your marriage will be seriously flawed. Unless of course, she magically wakes up one day and starts doing the right thing. Tell me; how many people do this without any kind of motivation? She knows (and so do you) that she can string you along with touches, hugs, little kisses and eye contact. You are in her pocket friend, and that isn't love.

 

Women are not attracted to men who fear them. They are attracted to the power it gives them, but reserve their affection and desire for men who stand on their own two feet. By being 'understanding' you are showing her that you're willing to allow anything (including her falling in love with another man) to keep her around. This smacks as needy, manipulative and frankly, a little sick. I know you're trying to keep it all in perspective, but she'd find you more attractive if you packed her things and showed her out the door.

 

Crazy? Yes, it is.

 

Keep writing, and understand that many of us here understand what you're going through. Bottom line, you can't reward evil with good. The people you reward eventually will lose all respect for you.

[Owl]

Decimated...here's the thing.

 

You need to tell her point blank that you do not trust her any longer.

 

It's her fault...you don't trust her because of how she betrayed you.

 

She can regain/rebuild that trust...if she chooses to do so.

 

She can do so by allowing you full access to her email/etc...

 

It's not that you expect to find anything there...but providing that access DEMONSTRATES TRUSTWORTHINESS.

 

Something she hasn't done in a long time.

 

Make it clear to her that this is a REQUIREMENT for recovery.

 

If she feels that her privacy is more important than rebuilding/regaining your trust in her...that's your answer.

Point blank...that straightforward.

[Steadfast]

If she feels that her privacy is more important than rebuilding/regaining your trust in her...that's your answer.

Point blank...that straightforward.

 

Great advice...for everyone is Decimated's position. That's bottom line info! Good job Owl-

[Decimated]

Hello friends, it has been over a week and I wanted to give you an update on my situation.

 

There have been some good changes in the last 10 days. It appears that things may have began to progress in the right direction. However, I am still proceeding with caution. My hard 180 seems to be working.

 

She has begun open up and talk about her affair and her emotional involvement with OM. We talk about it every couple of days for short amounts of time. I try to keep non-threatening and at about 1/2 hour increments so she doesn't go into overload and shut down. She seems to tolerate more questions now without getting irritated. She say's she has not had any contact with OM in well over a month. (One of her girl friends who knows the OM has verified this to me in private.) The GPS tracker shows nothing. She has been sharing her days with me and letting me know where she goes. She swears on the lives of our children that it was just an EA not PA and actually has a look of disgust on her face when I have suggested that it could have been more. (The same girlfriend who knows OM has also verified no PA as well) She has also opened up her email and Facebook accounts to me which I went through and found nothing. She has been spending a lot less time on the computer and does not guard her phone anymore.

 

Her attitude towards me has changed dramatically. She is much more talkative, open and warm…much happier. Her eye contact with me has greatly improved. This was something that she was never able to mask or hide from me. Also, there has been much more touching and physical closeness.

 

I am taking the situation one day at a time but I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as long as she shows improvement and an effort to regain trust.

 

Hopefully, she will keep improving and showing effort. Even at this pace it will take a long time for me to feel comfortable. Until then, my lawyer is on my speed dial…and she knows it.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Decimated

[WorldIsYours]

Hello friends, it has been over a week and I wanted to give you an update on my situation.

 

There have been some good changes in the last 10 days. It appears that things may have began to progress in the right direction. However, I am still proceeding with caution. My hard 180 seems to be working.

 

She has begun open up and talk about her affair and her emotional involvement with OM. We talk about it every couple of days for short amounts of time. I try to keep non-threatening and at about 1/2 hour increments so she doesn't go into overload and shut down. She seems to tolerate more questions now without getting irritated. She say's she has not had any contact with OM in well over a month. (One of her girl friends who knows the OM has verified this to me in private.) The GPS tracker shows nothing. She has been sharing her days with me and letting me know where she goes. She swears on the lives of our children that it was just an EA not PA and actually has a look of disgust on her face when I have suggested that it could have been more. (The same girlfriend who knows OM has also verified no PA as well) She has also opened up her email and Facebook accounts to me which I went through and found nothing. She has been spending a lot less time on the computer and does not guard her phone anymore.

 

Her attitude towards me has changed dramatically. She is much more talkative, open and warm…much happier. Her eye contact with me has greatly improved. This was something that she was never able to mask or hide from me. Also, there has been much more touching and physical closeness.

 

I am taking the situation one day at a time but I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as long as she shows improvement and an effort to regain trust.

 

Hopefully, she will keep improving and showing effort. Even at this pace it will take a long time for me to feel comfortable. Until then, my lawyer is on my speed dial…and she knows it.

 

She should've opened up way before all this crap, not on her damn time. Divorce this woman. Just because she gave you a few details doesn't mean she's changed or changing. She's still the same manipulative, cheating woman.

[2sunny]

Hello friends, it has been over a week and I wanted to give you an update on my situation.

 

There have been some good changes in the last 10 days. It appears that things may have began to progress in the right direction. However, I am still proceeding with caution. My hard 180 seems to be working.

 

She has begun open up and talk about her affair and her emotional involvement with OM. We talk about it every couple of days for short amounts of time. I try to keep non-threatening and at about 1/2 hour increments so she doesn't go into overload and shut down. She seems to tolerate more questions now without getting irritated. She say's she has not had any contact with OM in well over a month. (One of her girl friends who knows the OM has verified this to me in private.) The GPS tracker shows nothing. She has been sharing her days with me and letting me know where she goes. She swears on the lives of our children that it was just an EA not PA and actually has a look of disgust on her face when I have suggested that it could have been more. (The same girlfriend who knows OM has also verified no PA as well) She has also opened up her email and Facebook accounts to me which I went through and found nothing. She has been spending a lot less time on the computer and does not guard her phone anymore.

 

Her attitude towards me has changed dramatically. She is much more talkative, open and warm…much happier. Her eye contact with me has greatly improved. This was something that she was never able to mask or hide from me. Also, there has been much more touching and physical closeness.

 

I am taking the situation one day at a time but I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt as long as she shows improvement and an effort to regain trust.

 

Hopefully, she will keep improving and showing effort. Even at this pace it will take a long time for me to feel comfortable. Until then, my lawyer is on my speed dial…and she knows it.

 

i hate to state the obvious - but she had PLENTY of time to delete anything incriminating... also - now that she's realizing that her cushy lifestyle may go away - she's willing to behave like a good girl.

 

the only thing this shows evidence of - is that she's willing to use you for her cushy lifestyle - but she's also willing to betray you when you're not paying attention.

 

you deserve more than that.

 

she's a user and a taker... it's only a matter of time until the dust settles and she'll be on the prowl again... are you willing to be policing her for the rest of the days that you are alive? that's what it will amount to... she's going to be "acting" like a good wife as long as you are paying attention - but when you're distracted by life = she will do what serves her best... selfish character traits don't just disappear overnight.

 

what has she changed since this happened? does she know why she did it... has she done the hard work it takes to be sure she has eliminated THAT cause? i doubt it. no reason for you to go back now- i'm sure she's still as broken as she was when she was in contact with her OM.

 

you deserve more than that... why are you staying?

[dreamingoftigers]

Keep with your 180 and make sure at the very least the she earns you back.

 

When you are stronger with one another start bluntly working on the underlying issues.

 

Do not let her push you into any dark places.

[Decimated]

i hate to state the obvious - but she had PLENTY of time to delete anything incriminating... also - now that she's realizing that her cushy lifestyle may go away - she's willing to behave like a good girl.

 

the only thing this shows evidence of - is that she's willing to use you for her cushy lifestyle - but she's also willing to betray you when you're not paying attention.

 

you deserve more than that.

 

she's a user and a taker... it's only a matter of time until the dust settles and she'll be on the prowl again... are you willing to be policing her for the rest of the days that you are alive? that's what it will amount to... she's going to be "acting" like a good wife as long as you are paying attention - but when you're distracted by life = she will do what serves her best... selfish character traits don't just disappear overnight.

 

what has she changed since this happened? does she know why she did it... has she done the hard work it takes to be sure she has eliminated THAT cause? i doubt it. no reason for you to go back now- i'm sure she's still as broken as she was when she was in contact with her OM.

 

you deserve more than that... why are you staying?

 

Good question. I don't want to debate life philosophies in the thread. That being said, getting a divorce is easy...staying is hard. If ones goal is to get a divorce than one files and for divorce...simple. That is not my ideal goal. I have never been one to take the easy way out of much in life or walk away from a challenge. Because of this, I have been rather successful. Anything good in life requires strategy and work...and that goes for marriage. As long as she is proving that our marriage is a priority and actively putting in the required (by me) effort, I will work with it. If that stops than I walk. I know she is not perfect but neither am I. She does do a lot that is right. I have raised my Alpha and lowered my Beta and it is definitely working.

 

As far as following her the rest of my life, this is the first time she has shown this behavior since we were married. She never cheated on any boy friends that she ever had. It could be a combination of timing and opportunity and may never happen again. She did loose both parents 4 months apart, before all of this happened. I have done quite a bit of research on this type of psychological trauma. Reevaluating life among others things is a text book reaction. I will not to make excuses for her behavior but there are other external forces as well that can't be ignored. Job dissatisfaction, friendships (peer group), weight gain, seasonal effective disorder, age, premenopausal symptoms, the ending of the care give role with the kids and just, plain communication problems. We are talking about all of these as well is our discussions. In the end, her EA was hers, and she owns it...there was no excuse for that.

 

The deep thought of Divorce does wake some people up to face reality. We have all been tempted...including myself...many, many times. If she has learned a lesson and I believe/hope she has, it would be a shame to set her a drift. The next guy would be the one who benefits from her change...not me. This decision represents 14 years and the future of 3 children, I need to follow through to a satisfactory conclusion...either way. The "D" option is always there. The paperwork is done and ready at anytime. like I said...Speed Dial...and she knows it.

 

Do I deserve more than that/her? Probably, but we don't always get what we deserve. Sometimes we have to do the best with what we have and make it better.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hold the same marital philosophies you do.

 

Sometimes it is tough to be tough on those you love.

[WorldIsYours]

Good question. I don't want to debate life philosophies in the thread.

 

Affairs and constant, consistent disrespect is far from life philosophies, man.

 

That being said, getting a divorce is easy...staying is hard.

 

Marriage is hard, no doubt, but that in no way excuses her putting her life and yours at risk for STDs. When someone acts like your wife, they're showing you and telling you they don't give a damn about anything. That's some serious sh*t.

 

If ones goal is to get a divorce than one files and for divorce...simple. That is not my ideal goal. I have never been one to take the easy way out of much in life or walk away from a challenge.

 

If it's so simple, why didn't your wife do the mature thing and divorce you before all of this abuse happened? This has nothing to do with walking away from a freaking challenge. You're not at the casino betting money. This your sanity and your life we're talking about. If all you're going to do is defend her then there's no use for us to be here.

 

Because of this, I have been rather successful.

 

I cannot express enough how completely wrong you are about this statement. What you're dealing with right now is not even near being successful. Because of this, you're in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship and it will not stop unless you let her know this will no longer be tolerated by divorcing her.

 

Anything good in life requires strategy and work...and that goes for marriage.

 

Yes marriage needs work, but what about your wife? You didn't cheat when times got hard, she did. Does scream someone who's committed to marriage? That screams the total opposite. Your wife should've thought about that before she did all of this.

 

As long as she is proving that our marriage is a priority and actively putting in the required (by me) effort, I will work with it. If that stops than I walk.

 

It looks like you've been telling yourself that if she keeps it up, you'll walk, for a long time. She's been constantly lying and cheating on you. She's not showing any improvement and she's told you and showed you many times she does not give a damn. How much more are you willing to put up with this?

 

I know she is not perfect but neither am I. She does do a lot that is right. I have raised my Alpha and lowered my Beta and it is definitely working.

 

You're in denial. Soon your blood will be boiling through the roof as time passes by.

 

As far as following her the rest of my life, this is the first time she has shown this behavior since we were married. She never cheated on any boy friends that she ever had. It could be a combination of timing and opportunity and may never happen again. She did loose both parents 4 months apart, before all of this happened. I have done quite a bit of research on this type of psychological trauma. Reevaluating life among others things is a text book reaction. I will not to make excuses for her behavior but there are other external forces as well that can't be ignored. Job dissatisfaction, friendships (peer group), weight gain, seasonal effective disorder, age, premenopausal symptoms, the ending of the care give role with the kids and just, plain communication problems.

 

All of this ^^^^^ in no way excuses her erratic behavior.

 

We are talking about all of these as well is our discussions. In the end, her EA was hers, and she owns it...there was no excuse for that.

 

If you think it's just an EA then you're sorely mistaken. She's not owning anything and she never will.

 

The deep thought of Divorce does wake some people up to face reality. We have all been tempted...including myself...many, many times. If she has learned a lesson and I believe/hope she has, it would be a shame to set her a drift.

 

But she never followed through with her attempts to divorce so instead, she chose to hurt you in one of the worst ways and you're sucking it all up like it's no biggie.

 

The next guy would be the one who benefits from her change...not me.

 

The next guy will benefit nothing from her but probably sex, just like her OM did (sorry but it's the truth). She will not change, man.

 

This decision represents 14 years and the future of 3 children, I need to follow through to a satisfactory conclusion...either way. The "D" option is always there. The paperwork is done and ready at anytime. like I said...Speed Dial...and she knows it.

 

Yea, okay. Sure.

 

Do I deserve more than that/her? Probably, but we don't always get what we deserve.

 

We don't always get what we deserve but it is a guarantee there's a better woman out there for you.

 

Sometimes we have to do the best with what we have and make it better.

 

Settling will get you no where.

[Decimated]

WorldIsYours,

You seem to be hung up on the sex thing. I know a lot more detail than you and I disagree. You make too many assumptions for me to take you seriously. Your answer for everything is to just divorce her....really? Maybe that's your limit. For every "D" there is an example of a "R".

Respectfully, thanks anyway.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Decimated

[2sunny]

since you intend to see if she wants to earn your trust back - i'd recommend staying completely neutral for a long while... let her make the effort... and see IF she does.

 

IF she makes 150% effort to repair the damage she created - then and only then will it be useful to participate.

 

rewarding her bad behavior without having her repair the damage - is only sending her signals that you will participate without her repairing the damage done.

 

i hope you're not showering her with love and affection at this juncture... are you?

[Decimated]

since you intend to see if she wants to earn your trust back - i'd recommend staying completely neutral for a long while... let her make the effort... and see IF she does.

 

IF she makes 150% effort to repair the damage she created - then and only then will it be useful to participate.

 

rewarding her bad behavior without having her repair the damage - is only sending her signals that you will participate without her repairing the damage done.

 

i hope you're not showering her with love and affection at this juncture... are you?

 

Neutral, Dark and Distant...no rewards. I am all about me at this time...one day at a time. The ball is in her court. She has everything to prove.

[2sunny]

Neutral, Dark and Distant...no rewards. I am all about me at this time...one day at a time. The ball is in her court. She has everything to prove.

 

good. stay neutral. go give your time and energy to people who need your positive energy... there's lots of folks out there.

 

let her see you being busy creating a positive, independent world - that's not soley based with the focus on her.

 

grow your network bigger... it's a very useful way to keep good balance. take a class, or music lesson - even an artistic outlet gives you some sense of creative release.

[WorldIsYours]

WorldIsYours,

You seem to be hung up on the sex thing.

 

Show me where I said that.

 

I know a lot more detail than you and I disagree.

 

Like what? Exactly. Your wife is not even doing anything to earn back your trust and you're steady believing she's going to be the same person.

 

You make too many assumptions for me to take you seriously.

 

You're the one making assumptions that your wife will all of a sudden come back to you and everything will be rosey again. You came here to ask for help and you got it. No point in coming here if you're not going to do anything to protect yourself. We're trying to help you out here. I made it to the finish line, what are you doing?

 

Your answer for everything is to just divorce her....really? Maybe that's your limit.

 

And what is your limit? You think because she said a few sorries and cried a few tears everything is working to your advantage? Sorry to bust your bubble, that's not happening. You need to completely protect yourself and question her every move.

 

For every "D" there is an example of a "R".

Respectfully, thanks anyway.

 

I have yet to see a perfect example of a reconciliation. All you're doing is letting her get away with this destructive behavior and getting defensive when someone's giving you valuable advice. Not good man. Don't send her signs that she can get away with this.

 

You're welcome.

[2sunny]

i'd be smart... don't allow her access to joint money. let her live on what she earns... a lot of spouses stay for the time being - making it appear normal - meanwhile... they are buying time so they access finances and move them to set themselves up on their own.

 

IF she intends to work things out - she can do that without the luxury of credit cards or money.

 

be smart - she could be playing you for the fool without you knowing.

[Memphis Raines]

Until then, my lawyer is on my speed dial…and she knows it.

 

something tells me she is gonna call that bluff in the not so distant future

[drifter777]

Do I deserve more than that/her? Probably, but we don't always get what we deserve. Sometimes we have to do the best with what we have and make it better.

 

How very sad for you. Even you don't think you deserve a life partner who doesn't cheat on you? Really? And I don't agree that getting a divorce is always the easy way out. You say your first wife cheated and you divorced her and hinted that the reason had a lot to do with "no kids". Yes, that makes walking away a brain-dead easy decision. But when you have kids it's a lot harder to face facts regarding a cheating spouse even when the marriage is really dead. From everything I've read on this thread it appears you are willing to do anything to keep your marriage together and that puts you in a position of simply taking whatever crap she dishes out and then working to spin it into something positive. I urge you to be real with yourself and don't stay in the marriage unless you really believe she is sorry for what she did. She has to truly understand that what she did was wrong and be willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage she has done. Trust your feelings and I think you'll do the right thing.

[Bigsmoke]

Your wife has a huge sense of enntitlement. I know you meant well and thought you were being loving, but you fed this entitlement and put yourself below her. She has zero respect for you, although you are a good man.

 

You really have very little to gain by staying married to this woman, IMO. She is not a good person and you are. Why remain with her?

[Bigsmoke]

Okay, am I missing something? They were in a hotel room together and you do not believe this went physical? That makes no sense. Your successful in business? And, you buy this?