Pepper Potts Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I am a straight female, getting into my upper 20's. I was dating my ex for two years. We were serious and lived together and all that. When we broke up, it was basically because it came to light that I really want marriage someday, and he basically never, ever wants to get married. That wasn't something I could live with a compromise on, so we split. Now, my dilemma is this: I hate dating, but I also hate being single. Obviously, bars don't have many quality men, and my profession is female-dominated for the most part. I'm involved in community activities and taking grad courses, but I haven't come across anyone that way either. No one knows single men to introduce me to, and online dating so far has been a lot of frogs that I never want to see again. I am trying to take this time work on myself and enjoy being alone, but it's hard for me. Further stirring the pot is that my two best female friends in my city are both in LTR's--both for over two years, and unlike me, theirs are almost certainly headed to the altar. I feel like an awful person, but I know that when it happens for them, I'm going to be insanely jealous. I just can't help it. I found myself getting jealous of college friends and acquaintances who got married over the summer last year, because I knew that my relationship was at its end. It's like, I invested two years giving my all, and while everyone else moved to the next level, I'm back at square one. If that happens with the only two real friends I have where I currently live, I'm going to feel very left out and alone. I'm sick of being "always the bridesmaid, never the bride." It's also no fun going out when I'm with friends who are taken, I feel like the third wheel if their boyfriends show up later, or I feel awkward in general being the only one scoping people out, lol. Plus, even if we are out just girls, they aren't that great at being wing women for me and they even let guys talk to them (though in the end they always give out fake phone numbers and stuff--neither has ever cheated on their partner). When I first moved here, almost 3 years ago, one of my other friends who helped me get situated was around a lot at first. But, she was married and even though she lives here, I haven't seen her in a year now because she only seems to hang out with her husband and other married couples. It's like there's no room for me in her life anymore. So, what if that happens with my other friends? I don't have any family here, but I can't move anywhere else because I won't be able to find a job. I joined a singles group at church, to try and meet other legit singles who are happy that way, but it's taking a lot of time to build those relationships (and don't get me wrong--I'm glad I put myself out there and did it!). It also makes me sad realizing I'm planning how to finish school, how to buy a house, how to raise a child etc. without a husband because there's no one around right now who I can plan like that. It scares me to realize I may have to earn all the things I want on my own instead of together with a partner--when my dream has always been to get married, make babies, buy a house, etc. I don't want to fulfill all that alone. It makes me cry realizing I'm making all these decisions on my own while everyone else finally seems to have found the right one to make them with. I'm trying to talk myself down, so that I don't cut out good friends if they get engaged, but it's really hard for me. I am so angry at myself for flipping out about it already when no one has even popped the question yet! I also wish that I didn't base all my happiness around not being the last one to get married. I just want to have a nice, relaxing summer but I feel like these feelings I'm having are going to get in the way of it. I also know I can't meet the right one, if right now I hate dating--but I also don't know how to avoid wasting 2 years on a guy who has no intention of marrying me either. I can't just be like "do you plan to marry me" on a first date, obviously--that would be psychopath behavior. But, how else would I know if someone else is on the same page? I just really can't have that happen to me again. Help please? In case it isn't obvious, I'm completely freaking out and very upset over my predicament.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I don't know what to tell you exactly cause I am kind of in the same boat... only recently divorced. Just know that you are not the only one out there that feels the way you do. I don't want kids, but I would like to be married again and build a life with a good loyal, responsible, and loving mate. You joined a singles group at a church. That is good, if you are religious do you also pray for your mate? I pray every day that the husband I am SUPPOSED to have will show up, that Jesus will help me to find him. In the meantime I can only work on myself...
eerie_reverie Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 "Getting into" your upper twenties isn't exactly old, though I can sympathize with you, in the same place myself. But keep in mind that lots of people are getting married later these days. You have no idea what's around the corner. I am also living in a place with no family around, and lately, I've realized that I would be much happier if they were closer, even if I continued being single. You say you won't be able to find a job if you moved... why do you feel that way? Have you looked?
Author Pepper Potts Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 "Getting into" your upper twenties isn't exactly old, though I can sympathize with you, in the same place myself. But keep in mind that lots of people are getting married later these days. You have no idea what's around the corner. I am also living in a place with no family around, and lately, I've realized that I would be much happier if they were closer, even if I continued being single. You say you won't be able to find a job if you moved... why do you feel that way? Have you looked? I had to move away because there was no job market where I lived. Now it's even worse and they are laying off a lot of people (I'm a teacher). I might have a chance because now I have 4 years of experience, instead of none, but it's going to be an extremely flooded market. They are looking at cuts where I currently live now, and I'm clinging on for dear life, hoping that I can even stay gainfully employed. I know I'm not "old" by standards, but where I live is also a military town (I'm not in the military though) so there are a lot of young families. So, it's a different atmosphere and thus it tends to drive me a little crazy. That said, I also don't think getting married that young (as in, 19 or 20 years old) is the wisest idea. Yes, it can work but that tends to be the exception, not the rule. Right now, I don't have the money to relocate to a different city for next year so I need to make the best of it. I moved to a new apartment a couple months ago, out of the place my ex and I used to share. I needed the psychological relief of not being around memories. I'm really trying to not let it get to me and not get depressed, but I'm so sick of coming home to an empty apartment, feeling so lonely, and feeling like an awful friend for not being happy that my friends are happy. I do go to counseling because I need help working through these issues, but it's taking a lot of time and exploration.
Yeahsussu Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hi there. I´m pretty much in the same situation as you. I turn 26 this year and me and my ex recently broke up after 2 wonderful years together, due to long distance (we live on opposite sides of the world, not a good idea....). I have 4 very close female friends, whom I´ve pretty much known since I was 5 years old. Three of them are married (one of them is having a baby soon), and one of them is in a LTR since many years back. We are all the same age. So you can imagine I feel a bit left out? They are my best friends, but I admit it´s hard to be around them sometimes when they talk about their husbands and especially now when one of them his having a baby soon. Of course I´m exalted for her, but I can´t help feeling a bit jealous. They all seem to move forward and living this "adult" life, while I´m currently living at home with my parents since I was living abroad with my ex before and got back home after we broke up. Kinda feels like I´m back on square one. I guess my point is, you shouldn´t compare yourself to others. I know it´s hard not to, but we are all different individuals and we do things in our own pace. Just because your friends are getting married doesn´t mean you should too. You´re not less worthy just because you aren´t in a relationship atm even though your friends are. Since me and my ex live in different countries I´ve travelled quite a lot, and I´ve experienced so much during these past 3 years. Before I met my ex I was studying in his country (that´s how i met him...lol), and I know I wouldn´t have been able to do all this if I was tied someone here at home. The funny thing is, my friends got a bit jealous at me because I was able to do what I want, when I want, while they were "stuck" in their old habits. Paying for the house/apartment, working all day long, not being able to travel that much. Evertyhing has two sides to it. Even though it sucks to be single again, I´m happy for the years I spent with my ex, and for all the things I got to experience while living and working in his country. I don´t know how I´m gonna find another man, I don´t know how to date people, lol. So just like you, I feel a bit stressed. But as someone wrote, we are not that old yet But i know how you´re feeling, I really do.
Author Pepper Potts Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 The funny thing is, my friends got a bit jealous at me because I was able to do what I want, when I want, while they were "stuck" in their old habits. Paying for the house/apartment, working all day long, not being able to travel that much. Evertyhing has two sides to it. Even though it sucks to be single again, I´m happy for the years I spent with my ex, and for all the things I got to experience while living and working in his country. Yeah, I feel you here. I have one friend who is my age and married from work, and she wishes she still had my life. She has a husband and a 2 year old, and she sells Mary Kay on the side and has to use that as an excuse to have girl time because her husband is weird about it. She wishes she could still have the freedom I do to make decisions without considering her family, still be able to date, etc. It's kinda like, "the grass is always greener." I'm sure when I do meet the right one, I'll be thankful to have had the freedom for longer. Actually, some of my older coworkers who are now divorced say they wish they had stayed single at my age and waited til they really knew what they wanted before tying the knot. Despite all this, it's very hard for me to calm down and stop focusing on it like it's some huge problem. Hell, I can't even type all this out without bursting into tears.
Kelemort Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 While you can't say, "Do you want to marry me?" on a first date, I think that asking, "Would you eventually want to get married if you found the right person?" is a legitimate and fair question. If this question makes them flip out or they don't want to answer it, move on and don't waste your time. I think the real issue in your relationship wasn't that you wasted two years, but that you went through two years of a relationship never really knowing what he ultimately wanted the relationship to turn into. Or maybe he told you at first it was marriage and then he conveniently changed his mind. In any case, I think that everyone should know in the first 3 - 6 months if a prospective partner would ultimately choose to get married. If you ask someone and this causes them to get flustered, you need only say, "I ultimately want to meet the right person and get married, and I want to date someone who shares similar views - I want someone who is interested in ultimately getting married someday. I would like to date someone and we can work toward that."
DreamerGirl27 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Stay involved with your single meet-ups, stay involved with your extra activities, and keep trying online dating. Someone WILL pop up eventually. With your online profile make it clear you are looking to settle down oneday so that only guys with mutual goals notice you. I am 34 and JUST met who I think is "the one". In my late 20s I started facing all the same things as you, everyone of my friends is well beyond married and started families by now. I spent years with online dating and such, went to weddings, baby showers and cried about each and everyone of them. And maybe it's taken a long time but I am finally in love. Eventually I realized the key was patience and keeping full, independent life for myself. I realized it's ok to be picky, too...no amount of lonliness/desperation kept me from being picky about what I know makes me happy. And even though I'm way late in the game I am very, very happy now. You just should keep doing everything you are already doing and something will fall into your lap because that is exactly how it happened for me. As frustrating as online dating can be, and after kissing plenty of frogs myself I didn't give up and I met my BF that way, finally. So just don't give up. I was convinced there was NO one out there for me and I was wrong. It may take time but it will happen for you too. And maybe you hate dating but if you are determined you will have to suck that up. Don't look at it as a husband hunt but as new exciting opportunites to meet and talk with new people. Something will click as more than that eventually. That's exactly what I'm doing. I never view dates as anyone I actually care about, because I only care about one guy right now and he's being a stubborn idiot with me.
Author Pepper Potts Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Wow! Thanks for all the advice! I talked to my mom about my feelings on this issue and she said she remembers feeling the same way. My mom didn't marry until she was 26, which back then, was really old for a first marriage (I think her and my dad married in 1977). She said she remembers it being hard for her too, but then my dad popped the question and now they have been married for 34 years. I also know that the older you are when you marry, the more likely it is to be a successful marriage, so at least I'll have that going for me. I've kept one of my online profiles active, just in case, and I check it every day, so maybe someday eventually I'll meet someone intriguing. I've been really homesick lately, because back home, where I grew up, all my best friends are single. It's a way different mindset from my current town which is all about marriage and family, it seems. Blah.
guitar23 Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I feel your pain. The last 2 summers have been wedding central, and this one will be as well. At first it was fun being a single guy at all the weddings, but now the group is smaller and smaller for the bouquet and garter tosses. I'll be the first to admit I was immature for a while and didn't really look for a potential marriage partner while in college. Unfortunately now that I am out and working 50+ hours a week there is not much time for dating. To top it off my job is in a military town as well, so I know what you mean about young couples and a different atmosphere. For that reason I am living in a slightly bigger town about 30 minutes away, but the commute is growing old and I'm usually so worn out from the work week that I dont really go out and mingle on weekends. I applaud you for your efforts to put yourself out there. There are guys out there with your mindset, although finding them is probably another story. On the bright side, when the right person does come along, think about how much more ready you will be to handle the married life than some of these people getting married at 21-22. You will have life experiences and in the long run, probably have a lot better chances of a happy and successful marriage because you matured on your own as a person beforehand. Sorry for rambling but hope this helps.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I've never wanted to marry until I was in my 30's, so I feel lucky that I haven't had that happen yet. Although I do feel frustrated that I'm 28 and never dated before.
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