WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 If it is a no fault state, what legal troubles could she have? Harassment.
seren Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 But what if she walks away and your H just takes up with another OW? Wouldn't you want someone, anyone to tell you even if it hurt? If this were you, this would mean your H was taking on OW#6. I know WF, I know it doesn't make any logical sense and of course if I were the BS I would want the truth from someone, anyone, but ideally I would want my husband to tell me. I would question the motives of the current (emphasised) OW telling me and if the WS is so adept at gaslighting and able to convince me that this was a crazy woman was stalking him, then I (general) might be convinced he was telling the truth. No one, unless they have been there, can even begin to understand the need to believe the one you love, even though someone is telling you different. It's one of the reasons some WS are able to gaslight over and over again. I am thinking of those who even after a D Day manage to present a facade of everything being OK. If the OW had ended the A, then I might be more easily convinced that she was telling the truth, I would still question her motives and it would still hurt so much more than the WS telling. In fact, were I an OW and having to do the dirty work for the WS, then I would question the validity of his feelings for me (general). Of course the BS deserves, should know at all costs, just in an ideal situation (of course ideal sit is no A at all) the WS should be the one to tell, it would be kinder (!) and it would at least help to preserve the dignity of the BS. I cannot imagine how I would have felt had the OW told me about the A, if there could have been an even worse way of finding out your H had an A, then having the OW tell would have been it. I would still question the motives of an OW telling while the A was still in progress. Rather the OW was honest and said that she was telling for her own reasons and not to pretend that she has the feelings of the BS at heart. Seems a bit like a smiling knife sort of scenario (false empathy and all that).
White Flower Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You should tell the BS as well as all of your other MM's girlfriends that he's currently cheating on his wife with. He does have them, you know. And you think I don't? Bwa ha ha ha ha.
White Flower Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It's not a moot point because she can still get in trouble legally. Care to disclose? That only shows how much of a coward the cheating husband is and it does happen considerably. Again, care to back that up?
WorldIsYours Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Care to disclose? Again, care to back that up? Do you care to back it up?
White Flower Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I know WF, I know it doesn't make any logical sense and of course if I were the BS I would want the truth from someone, anyone, but ideally I would want my husband to tell me. I would question the motives of the current (emphasised) OW telling me and if the WS is so adept at gaslighting and able to convince me that this was a crazy woman was stalking him, then I (general) might be convinced he was telling the truth. No one, unless they have been there, can even begin to understand the need to believe the one you love, even though someone is telling you different. It's one of the reasons some WS are able to gaslight over and over again. I am thinking of those who even after a D Day manage to present a facade of everything being OK. If the OW had ended the A, then I might be more easily convinced that she was telling the truth, I would still question her motives and it would still hurt so much more than the WS telling. In fact, were I an OW and having to do the dirty work for the WS, then I would question the validity of his feelings for me (general). Of course the BS deserves, should know at all costs, just in an ideal situation (of course ideal sit is no A at all) the WS should be the one to tell, it would be kinder (!) and it would at least help to preserve the dignity of the BS. I cannot imagine how I would have felt had the OW told me about the A, if there could have been an even worse way of finding out your H had an A, then having the OW tell would have been it. I would still question the motives of an OW telling while the A was still in progress. Rather the OW was honest and said that she was telling for her own reasons and not to pretend that she has the feelings of the BS at heart. Seems a bit like a smiling knife sort of scenario (false empathy and all that). Thank you seren, as always, a nice conversation between xBW and xOW.
Woman In Blue Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 What do YOU benefit by telling her? The only possible benefit to you is 1) you can forgive yourself for what you did to her M 2) she'll leave him, and you can snatch him up for yourself Why does having compassion for the BS and telling her about her husband's numerous affairs have to benefit RGP in order to justify her doing it? That sounds incredibly selfish and self-serving. Maybe it's simply about doing the right thing for someone ELSE for a change. Wow - what a concept. Crazy, I know. RPG, don't "assume" the wife knows simply because her husband's a serial cheating slime bucket. I'm sure he's become quite the master liar and manipulator and more than likely, he has his wife completely snowed. Everyone wants to trust the one they love - why would she be any different? Not telling her because "she probably already knows" is ludicrous and doesn't even make sense. If she knows, then your information won't exactly be news to her. If she doesn't know, it will actually give her the ability to make an educated choice about where she wants her life to go. Go read some other infidelity sites. Read about the women who have to go through these horrible procedures because their rotten husbands brought home a cancerous form of HPV to their wives, or gave them Herpes which they'll now get to carry for LIFE. Maybe if someone had told THEM about their cheating husbands, they might not have HAD to suffer the consequences. I'm not a betrayed wife, but you don't HAVE to be one in order to have compassion for a fellow human being. I guess it might come as a shock to some posters on LS that not everything we DO has to benefit US in some way in order to make it worthwhile. Tell her, RPG.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Being a fBS I would have to say if the OW in my situation didn't fess up..I don't think my hubby would. Why would he? I had to threathen her in my case for the truth..but hey it worked. No regrets there. If this were my situation...I would definately want to know. He will NEVER volunteer this information to his wife...EVER! Not after 5 affairs...he's becoming a pro at this now! Yes you may get called names by the bs and whatever else.. but seriously..what did you think you deserved when getting involved with a dude...much less one who has had 5 affairs and no shame for even mentioning that to you. This guy is scum..don't even know why you would bother with such a douch after his candid confession to you..but whatever floats your boat I guess. Knowing about 5 affairs and still sleep with this guy is a sick thought. Something his wife may have a hard time believing coming from you. I know I would.
Author RGP Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Thanks for all of the opinions. It seems most who have been BS believe the W needs to know. I agree I am not the best person to hear it from. I think after I end it with MM, I will tell him he needs to tell her, and if he doesn't, I will. I just couldn't trust that he actually will. Maybe I could tell him I am going to contact her to apologize and assure her I will be out of the picture, so if he doesn't want it to be a shock from me first, he should tell her before my apology gets to her.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 The thing that bothers me most -- Thoughts of you telling his wife NEVER EVER occured to you when the affair was good and YOU were happy. Now the A is over and (not sure if he broke up with you or you ended it, doesn't matter actually) you dont or can't be strong to stay away from him, fight to stay in NC mode with him, you see the only way to keep him away from you is to tell his wife. Wrong reason to tell her so he'll stay away from you. You have NO idea what the fallout of this could be, so YOU own your part in the affair when you tell her. Be honest and answer her questions truthfully, and don't throw MM under the bus since it takes two to have an affair. yes he was the one married to her, committed to her, said vows, but you knew he was married from day ONE and still chose to help him cheat on his wife. You chose to believe his lies and whatever else he said to you. BE SURE you want to do this and are ready for anything/everything to happen. She could respect your honesty, thank you and all, or she will react in a not so nice way and make your life a hell to be in. (work, family, friends might be notified that you were having an A with her H). Never say never.
WorldIsYours Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 The thing that bothers me most -- Thoughts of you telling his wife NEVER EVER occured to you when the affair was good and YOU were happy. Now the A is over and (not sure if he broke up with you or you ended it, doesn't matter actually) you dont or can't be strong to stay away from him, fight to stay in NC mode with him, you see the only way to keep him away from you is to tell his wife. Wrong reason to tell her so he'll stay away from you. You have NO idea what the fallout of this could be, so YOU own your part in the affair when you tell her. Be honest and answer her questions truthfully, and don't throw MM under the bus since it takes two to have an affair. yes he was the one married to her, committed to her, said vows, but you knew he was married from day ONE and still chose to help him cheat on his wife. You chose to believe his lies and whatever else he said to you. BE SURE you want to do this and are ready for anything/everything to happen. She could respect your honesty, thank you and all, or she will react in a not so nice way and make your life a hell to be in. (work, family, friends might be notified that you were having an A with her H). Never say never. Agreed. Gonna speak, then don't fall asleep.
Author RGP Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Which way, i hear what you're saying. And I know this isn't the place for me to expect to find even a speck of understanding. This is your place to vent, get support, etc so it was probably not a good idea to post this here, although I do appreciate the advice. I know why you'd see me as despicable. But I didn't know from day one he was married. he said he was separated and ready to divorce. I was vulnerable and needy after an abusive relationship. Yes, I own my part of it, anyway. I stayed after I knew the truth. I was deep into it before I learned of his other affairs. I will feel guilty about this as long as I live. Also, I went through stages where I begged him to come clean with her, but most of the time I tried as hard as him to keep it discrete because it pained me to think of how hurt she would be. But I know, I was selfish (and fill in the blank with other terrible words to describe me) for staying. Loads of regret along the way, now, and probably always. The thing that bothers me most -- Thoughts of you telling his wife NEVER EVER occured to you when the affair was good and YOU were happy. Now the A is over and (not sure if he broke up with you or you ended it, doesn't matter actually) you dont or can't be strong to stay away from him, fight to stay in NC mode with him, you see the only way to keep him away from you is to tell his wife. Wrong reason to tell her so he'll stay away from you. You have NO idea what the fallout of this could be, so YOU own your part in the affair when you tell her. Be honest and answer her questions truthfully, and don't throw MM under the bus since it takes two to have an affair. yes he was the one married to her, committed to her, said vows, but you knew he was married from day ONE and still chose to help him cheat on his wife. You chose to believe his lies and whatever else he said to you. BE SURE you want to do this and are ready for anything/everything to happen. She could respect your honesty, thank you and all, or she will react in a not so nice way and make your life a hell to be in. (work, family, friends might be notified that you were having an A with her H). Never say never.
WorldIsYours Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Which way, i hear what you're saying. And I know this isn't the place for me to expect to find even a speck of understanding. This is your place to vent, get support, etc so it was probably not a good idea to post this here, although I do appreciate the advice. I know why you'd see me as despicable. But I didn't know from day one he was married. he said he was separated and ready to divorce. I was vulnerable and needy after an abusive relationship. Yes, I own my part of it, anyway. I stayed after I knew the truth. I was deep into it before I learned of his other affairs. I will feel guilty about this as long as I live. Also, I went through stages where I begged him to come clean with her, but most of the time I tried as hard as him to keep it discrete because it pained me to think of how hurt she would be. But I know, I was selfish (and fill in the blank with other terrible words to describe me) for staying. Loads of regret along the way, now, and probably always. First you say you didn't know he was married, now it's trying to justify you're reason for getting in an affair by saying he was separated and ready to divorce.....
White Flower Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 First you say you didn't know he was married, now it's trying to justify you're reason for getting in an affair by saying he was separated and ready to divorce..... Maybe she meant he was separated and ready to D after he disclosed that he was M? Her post is all over the place, probably because she is upset and being attacked.
BB07 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Maybe she meant he was separated and ready to D after he disclosed that he was M? Her post is all over the place, probably because she is upset and being attacked. WF.........you are wasting time with WIY, he likes to pick something from a post and hammer them with it. I guess that big ole hammer he carries gives him a shot of testosterone. OP.......after reading your last post, I've changed my mind, I think you should tell her but if you tell him first, he is going turn it around on you and make it look like you are the bunny boiler and a liar.
White Flower Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 WF.........you are wasting time with WIY, he likes to pick something from a post and hammer them with it. I guess that big ole hammer he carries gives him a shot of testosterone. OP.......after reading your last post, I've changed my mind, I think you should tell her but if you tell him first, he is going turn it around on you and make it look like you are the bunny boiler and a liar. Hey BB, long time no see. How the heck are ya? Thanks for the warning, lol. And I agree, IF you're going to go to the W get to her before you tell him, IF you tell him. She needs to see that you're a compassionate woman who really cares.
WorldIsYours Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Maybe she meant he was separated and ready to D after he disclosed that he was M? Her post is all over the place, probably because she is upset and being attacked. She's not being attacked. She's trying to rationalize engaging in an affair.
WorldIsYours Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 WF.........you are wasting time with WIY, he likes to pick something from a post and hammer them with it. I guess that big ole hammer he carries gives him a shot of testosterone. It's called seeing the lies. And let's not even talk about you and your relationship with testosterone.
BB07 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Hey BB, long time no see. How the heck are ya? Thanks for the warning, lol. And I agree, IF you're going to go to the W get to her before you tell him, IF you tell him. She needs to see that you're a compassionate woman who really cares. Sorry for the TJ........WF....doing pretty good. I hope you are and here's a hug for you, just in case. Maybe it would be best if the OP wrote a letter/email? And again.....I would not tell him that you are going to do it. It might be different if he wasn't such a practiced cheater but since he is, he is probably good at covering his own arse.
BB07 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 It's called seeing the lies. And let's not even talk about you and your relationship with testosterone. Let's don't.......since you know nothing about it.
woundedheart Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Look, do the right thing and dump him. Then, make sure you tell her but don't be cruel like my H OW and tell her all of the details. Only tell her what she needs to know to realize it's the truth. The pain will be horrible for her but at least she will finally be able to face reality. No one can do anything with a lie. One of the best reasons is that she needs to know she could have gotten a STD from him. Maybe not from you but are you sure you're the first, or even the only? You need to get tested too.
carrie999 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I also vote for telling her as long as you're willing to deal with the consequences others have outlined (smashed windshield, etc.) Even if she's gotten anonymous tips from many others and he's talked his way out of it, every time she hears more, it becomes more real...i.e.; this is not some "conspiracy" set up by one angry ex-OW.... Just make sure your motivations are right and that you are really ending this. Five affairs that you know of in 12 years...yikes. Yes, you're taking a risk in many ways, and on the flip-side, yes, it's probably somewhat self-serving in terms of getting revenge on him. And YES, whether or not she leaves him, she deserves to hear it from HIM. But still, all things considered, you may be saving her from further heartache and a few more years of working on a marriage with a man who treats her like garbage. My friend found out last week her boyfriend of six years was cheating with her childhood friend. Years ago, before they moved in together, she'd received anonymous info that he was cheating, but for many reasons, it really didn't sound very credible. After months of talking about it and him being completely willing to be "transparent," she trusted him. When they moved in, they had a shared computer and left their email and facebook (etc.) open with the passwords saved. She admitted to checking a few times, and found only innocent contact. She started suspecting something recently and was blown away when she discovered he was basically leading a double life. She's a very smart girl with fantastic instincts, and she didn't trust him easily. But he earned her trust, and worked hard to rebuild the trust that was lost when his motivations came (unfairly, it seemed at the time) into question 4-5 years ago. At the time, it looked like some jealous ex was trying to sabotage their R. And doubtful as that is now given his recent infidelity, it still may have been true that he didn't cheat then. So she trusted him probably more fully after first questioning his fidelity. It became easier for her to ignore any talk from possibly questionable sources, and to write it off. And in the end, when confronted by a video of his physical acts, she learned that he was unfaithful. He still tried to talk his way out of it and make her feel like she was crazy and trying to end their R without any real grounds...at which point she played the video. Point is, you have no idea what's really going on in their marriage, and how convincing he may be. There really are people out there who will try to sabotage a relationship, so the lines get blurred, and his wife really may have convinced herself that it's worth trusting him. So while he clearly will probably always "gaslight" her (to use LS terminology), adding your story to the mix might be enough to convince her that he is a cheating *#&% who will continue cheating. It may not be the ideal way to find out, but he's unlikely to change anyway, given his track record. I might suggest staying out of it if this was a one-time affair for him...after all, their marriage is none of your business. But if he's a perpetual cheater, you might really help her by telling her what you know, as long as it is for HER benefit alone and NOT because you have any interest in continuing the A.
seren Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Look, do the right thing and dump him. Then, make sure you tell her but don't be cruel like my H OW and tell her all of the details. Only tell her what she needs to know to realize it's the truth. The pain will be horrible for her but at least she will finally be able to face reality. No one can do anything with a lie. One of the best reasons is that she needs to know she could have gotten a STD from him. Maybe not from you but are you sure you're the first, or even the only? You need to get tested too. I think this is very good advice, perhaps the MM could be told he has X amount of days to tell or OW will do it for him. But, then again as he is a serial cheater he would gaslight the hell out of his BS anyway. So, on reflection, OW to tell, but with empathy.
Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I would have welcomed the information no matter who told me, but that is me. Ideally, it should have come from my WS, but I suspect that is rarely the case. When caught, WSs who have compartmentalized their lives to engage in the affair, do not come out of their "boxes" immediately. We hear things like "we're just friends," or "what's wrong with calling a friend" to "We never meant for it to happen," or "It just got out of hand." In the worst scenario, certainly with a serial cheater, I am sure it is even worse. They immediately throw the affair partner under the bus, minimize, omit, and try to convince the BS it is all in his/her imagination. How cruel, to both the BS and the AP! Tell her, answer all her questions, but do not attach any expectations to the results. I feel if you give this guy a heads up that you intend to call the wife, he will set you up as the crazy who stalked him.
TurboGirl Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 In this situation I agree with something WIY said. When you were happy in the A, you certainly weren't planning on telling the wife! I don't think your motivation is pure here. 1 - you don't know the wife. Why do you care? 2 - seems to me that since you are ending the A, NOW you feel you can hurt W. Kinda mean, if you ask me. Like, OK, I'm done with your husband... you can have him back... and hey he's a cheater! All on YOUR time frame. Not your business, go on about your life! If you tell, be prepared for whatever S*** may hit the fan. The W may come after you & attempt to ruin your life.
Recommended Posts