RGP Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Ive been in an A I am not proud of for some time, and I know I need to end it. I know it was wrong, and I do feel guilty, so I hope most of you can refrain from attacking me here. I just honestly, in the end, feel like I need to do right by the BS. This of course first means leaving the MM. I have tried a couple of times and been wooed back by promises he is leaving, etc. I am beginning to think maybe the only way he will truly accept we are over is if his W knows. He would be so mad at me, his anger would prevent him from wanting to get back together with me, although I do fear he could try to ruin my career and reputation. But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? BTW, he has had at least 5 affairs during their 12 year marriage. I really do want to do the most compassionate thing toward her- I don't know her but I am sure she is a much more decent human being than MM makes her to be. I doubt she would want pity but I truly feel sorry for her and how she has been taken advantage of. Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the topic.
TMCM Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Consider the words of the Irish political philosopher Edmund Burke: "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing" The BS deserves to know the truth because he/she can then decide if there is or isn't any hope to continue or end the marriage. The question is Does your conscience go far enough for you to do the right thing and be able to look at yourself in the mirror?
White Flower Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Ive been in an A I am not proud of for some time, and I know I need to end it. I know it was wrong, and I do feel guilty, so I hope most of you can refrain from attacking me here. I just honestly, in the end, feel like I need to do right by the BS. This of course first means leaving the MM. I have tried a couple of times and been wooed back by promises he is leaving, etc. I am beginning to think maybe the only way he will truly accept we are over is if his W knows. He would be so mad at me, his anger would prevent him from wanting to get back together with me, although I do fear he could try to ruin my career and reputation. But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? BTW, he has had at least 5 affairs during their 12 year marriage. I really do want to do the most compassionate thing toward her- I don't know her but I am sure she is a much more decent human being than MM makes her to be. I doubt she would want pity but I truly feel sorry for her and how she has been taken advantage of. Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the topic.RGP, Unless you are absolutely sure it is over for you I wouldn't do this. But if you are sure, I am sure it would be either the end for you and MM or an end OR rebuilding of MM's M. If he's cheated so many times before, perhaps his W already knows or at least suspects what is going on now? If so, could that be part of the reason you want to disclose?
seren Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Hi, to do the right thing would be to end the A, have total NC and tell the MM to tell his wife. I know a lot of people might say for you to tell her, but as an XBS, had the OW told me I would have been far more hurt and devastated than I was. I would have had more respect for the OW, had she walked away. I know this is not the popular view, but telling while you are still seeing him doesn't sound altruistic, sounds a bit like stirring the pot - not knocking you, just saying it as I see it.
fooled once Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Ive been in an A I am not proud of for some time, and I know I need to end it. I know it was wrong, and I do feel guilty, so I hope most of you can refrain from attacking me here. I just honestly, in the end, feel like I need to do right by the BS. This of course first means leaving the MM. I have tried a couple of times and been wooed back by promises he is leaving, etc. I am beginning to think maybe the only way he will truly accept we are over is if his W knows. He would be so mad at me, his anger would prevent him from wanting to get back together with me, although I do fear he could try to ruin my career and reputation. But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? BTW, he has had at least 5 affairs during their 12 year marriage. I really do want to do the most compassionate thing toward her- I don't know her but I am sure she is a much more decent human being than MM makes her to be. I doubt she would want pity but I truly feel sorry for her and how she has been taken advantage of. Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the topic. No one can make you continue an affair. You are choosing to allow yourself to be "wooed" back. He will accept that you are over when you say what you mean and mean what you say. He knows you won't lay down the law with him. And you seem to not have any backbone or ability to own your words. The most compassionate thing you can do is stop screwing her husband. You both are being taken advantage of, but you at least know that and she doesn't. She has no idea that her husband could be risking her life by having sex with someone else. She has no idea if you are a bunny boiler who would stalk her. She is innocent of all this. If you want him to leave you alone - then state it and MEAN it. Yes his wife should know what he is doing. She is owed that decency and respect.
bloppy Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) Don't tell his wife. I wish my H would have grown some balls & told me himself. It is his place to tell her. In my case the OW sent "anonymous" emails to my sisters. So not only did I have to deal with but so did they. Leave the MM alone. Do not have any contact with him. He is HER H! Edited April 2, 2011 by bloppy
Author RGP Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Consider the words of the Irish political philosopher Edmund Burke: The BS deserves to know the truth because he/she can then decide if there is or isn't any hope to continue or end the marriage. The question is Does your conscience go far enough for you to do the right thing and be able to look at yourself in the mirror? I agree but I would rather not be the one who has to tell her. BTW, are you a BS? Just wondering because I want to make sure I am taking BS's perspectives especially to heart. RGP Unless you are absolutely sure it is over for you I wouldn't do this. But if you are sure, I am sure it would be either the end for you and MM or an end OR rebuilding of MM's M. If he's cheated so many times before, perhaps his W already knows or at least suspects what is going on now? If so, could that be part of the reason you want to disclose? I want it to be over, so that is part of why I am considering this. I would think she suspects something; people have sent her anonymous emails that they saw MM and me together, and MM and a fOW together, but he is really good at lying and she always believes him. I don't blame her for trusting him, but it is pretty surprising. Hi, to do the right thing would be to end the A, have total NC and tell the MM to tell his wife. I know a lot of people might say for you to tell her, but as an XBS, had the OW told me I would have been far more hurt and devastated than I was. I would have had more respect for the OW, had she walked away. I know this is not the popular view, but telling while you are still seeing him doesn't sound altruistic, sounds a bit like stirring the pot - not knocking you, just saying it as I see it. Thanks, Seren. I don't want to do any more hurt, and I don't want to stir the pot in hopes he'd come back to me. I don't think I could ever trust him. Anyway, I think the best scenario would be for him to tell her. But I am sure he will never come clean to her. But I guess if I walk away, that's no longer my problem? If your MM hadn't confessed to you, would you rather have not known, or do you think you would have found out sooner or later? If i really sit and think about it, there are probably reasons beyond wanting to help the BS and wanting to put a definite end to the A, such as I don't want him to get away with continuing to hurt other women (yes, OW have feelings, too, and are sometimes reeled into the R during vulnerable times or when they believe MM is separated). Maybe there's a bit of payback I am seeking directed at MM, but I think my intentions are mostly to protect others.
Author RGP Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Don't tell his wife. I wish my H would have grown some balls & told me himself. It is his place to tell her. In my case the OW sent "anonymous" emails to my sisters. So not only did I have to deal with but so did they. Leave the MM alone. Do not have any contact with him. He is HER H! I am sorry for your pain, bloppy. So I understand that you think OW just needs to get out of the picture entirely. I just thought maybe it was kinder to let the BS know so she wouldn't have to be betrayed unbeknownst to her for more years to come. Her H (yes, I know not mine) doesn't have the balls to tell her and will continue cheating on her, I am sure.
TurboGirl Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Don't tell his wife. I wish my H would have grown some balls & told me himself. It is his place to tell her. In my case the OW sent "anonymous" emails to my sisters. So not only did I have to deal with but so did they. Leave the MM alone. Do not have any contact with him. He is HER H! Agreed! However, many don't feel this way. In my opinion, it is not your business to be concerned about the BS. Are you "friends" with her? Is she your neighbor? If your MM has had affairs for about 5 years during his marriage, you can bet that his wife has sniffed it out & may even suspect... and turns a blind eye for whatever reason, kids, finances, or just doesn't want to know! Or isn't sure, or doesn't want the marriage ruined, so she says nothing. YOU don't know, you are not in that marriage, not your concern or problem. You only know what your MM tells you, correct? There are 2 sides to every story. Tell your MM it is over between you, do whatever it takes to stick to it, and it is up to him to tell his wife.
seren Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Thing is RGP, as an XBS, when I read of OW/OM thinking of telling the BS a part of my brain is saying, if it mattered to the OP that the BS was getting hurt because her husband was having an A, why didn't it matter enough for the OP to end the A? I understand that you are wanting to do the right thing, but it really does begin with NC or an ending. Many BS do not believe the OP when they 'out' the WS, the WS will have become adept at gaslighting throughout the A, believe me, for a BS to not twig there is an A, life at home will not have changed too dramatically, no matter what is said. The WS may do a pretty good job of passing you off as bitter, nutty a stalker or whatever. Even if you have proof of emails or whatever, if he is particularly adept at lying he will have answers for everything and they will circle the horses to protect their marriage and you may be left on the outside. If you want more from the A, then the person to speak with is not the BS but the MM and he needs to be honest. This might still not see him leaving. Have you told him that you are thinking of telling his wife? I know from H (and OW) that she said that she would tell me, this saw H carrying on seeing her (no sex or EA, blind panic) for fear it would come out, as it was he ended it and then told me about it - just wish he had told me before!! Had the OW told me, I would have respected her honesty, would have shoved her pity down her throat (not really) but would have turned to H for the answers - after all, they are the only one's who truly know what it was all about. TBH, were I you, I would ask myself what I truly wanted to achieve by the disclosure and that if I were serious about the man, would still end it or go NC until I felt I was not compromising my values and not enabling the hurt of another.
BB07 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 (edited) RGP......XOW here who thought she was dating a separated mm but wasn't. I did end up telling the BS everything she asked me but there is a difference between your situation and mind because she already knew about me so it wasn't like I blindsided her. Actually she blindsided me cause I didn't know that he was very much still married. lol From what you've said it seems that your primary motivation is you want the affair to be OVER and this is your way of insuring that it will be. The other things you've mentioned seem to be secondary to you. So the whole thing doesn't sound like a good idea to me but of course it's your decision and if I were you, I'd get more opinions from the BS's here. I'd like to add that IMO your sole reason for telling shouldn't be that you want it over, you need to find enough strength to do that on your own. And.........you really have no way of knowing what kind of ****e storm you might be creating for yourself so that is something to think about. Edited April 3, 2011 by BB07
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I vote tell. I could care less what you motivation is. 5 affairs:sick:
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? No, she should not hear it from you. I find it selfish when OW/OM think they should tell the BS, "to do the right thing for BS." This is an act that keeps you involved with the MM, and an attempt to become more involved (by touching his M, in some way). The best thing for you is to be LESS involved with his life, not more. You were part of the A, it's too late for you to do the right thing. Your solution is to shoot her in the leg? That's what you might as well do, if you're going to tell her about your A. What do YOU benefit by telling her? The only possible benefit to you is 1) you can forgive yourself for what you did to her M 2) she'll leave him, and you can snatch him up for yourself benefit 1: repent with your actions, not by telling her. Get therapy to help deal with the guilt. volunteer at a women's shelter to make amends to yourself. benefit 2: not a good reason to help her Let's see...what are the risks... -She'll go crazy. Smash your car with a hammer, try to stab you, tell everyone bad things about you -he'll wreck your job -he'll blame you and never talk to you again (hmm, maybe not a bad thing) Risk - benefit analysis suggests you'd be a fool to tell her. So maybe focus more on why you think you should. If it is so you can feel better about yourself...you've slept with her husband; spitting in her face shouldn't be something to make you feel better. If it is so you can keep involved with him...honey you know you need to end it with him. Should the BS know? That's a different question, debated religiously here. I would like to suggest that someone who slept with her husband and has feelings for him is not the person that should be informing her.
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 but I think my intentions are mostly to protect others. We must destroy the BS to protect the BS? honey this is NOT your responsibility. Do not get involved. it will be messy, and painful, and you'll regret it. If she's getting anonymous emails, her friends are already trying to open her eyes. LET THEM handle it, they aren't the ones that slept with her H. I just thought maybe it was kinder to let the BS know so she wouldn't have to be betrayed unbeknownst to her for more years to come. Her H (yes, I know not mine) doesn't have the balls to tell her and will continue cheating on her, I am sure. AGAIN not your problem and you are not the one to be telling her. Walk away from this, and stop looking back. Telling her won't stop the pain he's causing her, and it won't stop him from hurting OW. Walking away WILL stop you from finding new pain.
TMCM Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I agree but I would rather not be the one who has to tell her. BTW, are you a BS? Just wondering because I want to make sure I am taking BS's perspectives especially to heart. Yes, a F(ormer)BS to be specific, from my first marriage many years ago. And yes, I would have liked that some of the people I knew back then and considered my friends, had informed me of my then WW's affairs.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Ive been in an A I am not proud of for some time, and I know I need to end it. I know it was wrong, and I do feel guilty, so I hope most of you can refrain from attacking me here. I just honestly, in the end, feel like I need to do right by the BS. This of course first means leaving the MM. I have tried a couple of times and been wooed back by promises he is leaving, etc. I am beginning to think maybe the only way he will truly accept we are over is if his W knows. He would be so mad at me, his anger would prevent him from wanting to get back together with me, although I do fear he could try to ruin my career and reputation. But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? BTW, he has had at least 5 affairs during their 12 year marriage. I really do want to do the most compassionate thing toward her- I don't know her but I am sure she is a much more decent human being than MM makes her to be. I doubt she would want pity but I truly feel sorry for her and how she has been taken advantage of. Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the topic. You didn't think of his wife when you first had the affair with her husband. When the A was good, telling his wife wasn't on your mind.. Now that it's over, you want her to know? So he'll be angry at you and leave you alone? Somehow YOU need to get strong and fight the urges to contact him or hear from him, tell him to F OFF and leave you alone. I'm not saying this to be mean, k, but it seems the main reason why you want her to know is because the A is over and he won't leave you alone. Have you changed your number, blocked his email, avoided places where you know you'll run into him? Seek counseling to help you get strong. Some may disagree and that's okay, but it isn't your place to tell her..And even more so about his 5 other affairs. Why would let this man suck you back in knowing you weren't the first OW, first affair? He's a scumbag! IF you tell her, you need to own your part in the affair, do not put ALL the blame on him. You willingly went into this knowing he was married from the start.
SidLyon Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Ive been in an A I am not proud of for some time, and I know I need to end it. I know it was wrong, and I do feel guilty, so I hope most of you can refrain from attacking me here. I just honestly, in the end, feel like I need to do right by the BS. This of course first means leaving the MM. I have tried a couple of times and been wooed back by promises he is leaving, etc. I am beginning to think maybe the only way he will truly accept we are over is if his W knows. He would be so mad at me, his anger would prevent him from wanting to get back together with me, although I do fear he could try to ruin my career and reputation. But again, me and him aside, what is best for the BS? Should she hear it from me? BTW, he has had at least 5 affairs during their 12 year marriage. I really do want to do the most compassionate thing toward her- I don't know her but I am sure she is a much more decent human being than MM makes her to be. I doubt she would want pity but I truly feel sorry for her and how she has been taken advantage of. Thank you in advance for your thoughts on the topic. The BW should be told. There is no good way to do this and no best person to tell her, IMO.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Another thing to think about, your consquences in this. If you think telling is all they'll be, forget it. Be prepared to talk to her more than once, be prepared for the fallout. She may be understanding, hear you out, but she also could freak out and make your life very uncomfortable. Do your friends and family know you've had an affair with a MM? Never say never, but if she upset and mad enough, she could do alot of damage... Be SURE, IF you choose to tell her.
White Flower Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hi, to do the right thing would be to end the A, have total NC and tell the MM to tell his wife. I know a lot of people might say for you to tell her, but as an XBS, had the OW told me I would have been far more hurt and devastated than I was. I would have had more respect for the OW, had she walked away. I know this is not the popular view, but telling while you are still seeing him doesn't sound altruistic, sounds a bit like stirring the pot - not knocking you, just saying it as I see it.But what if she walks away and your H just takes up with another OW? Wouldn't you want someone, anyone to tell you even if it hurt? If this were you, this would mean your H was taking on OW#6.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 But what if she walks away and your H just takes up with another OW? Wouldn't you want someone, anyone to tell you even if it hurt? If this were you, this would mean your H was taking on OW#6. Telling is a must, but the OW needs to be prepared for the inevitable consequences for messing with someone's husband and telling the BW. She can get in legal trouble or if the BW is pissed enough, could try to kill or injure the OW. That's why affairs are never a good thing because it screws up a lot of people and puts their lives in danger.
Tayla Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Tell her, and then get a good lawyer. You may well get called to court for your part in the divorce hearing as you are in essence a key player in the spouses' marital demise. Bottom line is, you cant run away from the facts no matter who the messenger is, so be that messenger and own up.
White Flower Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Telling is a must, but the OW needs to be prepared for the inevitable consequences for messing with someone's husband and telling the BW. She can get in legal trouble or if the BW is pissed enough, could try to kill or injure the OW. That's why affairs are never a good thing because it screws up a lot of people and puts their lives in danger. The legal trouble is a moot point is she lives in a no-fault state. If the BW wants to kill or injure the OW, well, that might speak to the reason her H may have strayed. But I don't think that happens in most cases.
WorldIsYours Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 The legal trouble is a moot point is she lives in a no-fault state. It's not a moot point because she can still get in trouble legally. If the BW wants to kill or injure the OW, well, that might speak to the reason her H may have strayed. But I don't think that happens in most cases. That only shows how much of a coward the cheating husband is and it does happen considerably.
anne1707 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 It's not a moot point because she can still get in trouble legally. . If it is a no fault state, what legal troubles could she have?
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