Eternal Sunshine Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 He said he took it down as he didn't like the way he looked in it. I find that hard to believe as there are some a lot worse on there. Anyway after some arguing he said he would put it back later if it made me feel better. He did say that I shouldn't be telling him what he can and can't put on his own fb though. Don't know what to think really now. He is making out I have made a big deal out of nothing. Sorry to say but he sounds like he is lying. What were you two doing on that picture?
Author confused30 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 We were just in a restaurant sat with our arms around each other, pretty close. I think it would have been obvious for people who had seen it as his profile pic to know we were romantically involved. He also said that if he didn't want anyone to know about us he wouldn't have made it his profile pic for 2 weeks which I do kind of agree with just don't know why he had to delete it afterwards. Anyway going to see if he puts it back on today. He also said that when he has sorted some nice pics of us he will put an album up of all the things we have been up to. Said he's sorry and didn't mean to upset me intentionally just didn't think I would mind too much as he had it as his profil pic for 2 weeks
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 OK, well wait and see if he follows through. Consider this a small flag but if everything else is great, I would try to put the worry out of my mind.
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 He said he took it down as he didn't like the way he looked in it. I find that hard to believe as there are some a lot worse on there. Anyway after some arguing he said he would put it back later if it made me feel better. He did say that I shouldn't be telling him what he can and can't put on his own fb though. Don't know what to think really now. He is making out I have made a big deal out of nothing. If you did tell him what to do (did you?) then a "don't tell me what to do" is a likely response. If you have healthy boundaries then it's a very likely response or thought as he may think it but not say it. If you didn't tell him what to do then his response is a straw man. When someone refutes something you haven't said, that's a straw man argument. This creates a further conflict as what you have said is not being addressed. You can point this out - "I didn't tell you what to do" or give him a chance to correct the error - "You think I have told you what to do?" You don't need to defend an argument you haven't made. When these sorts of things crop up - when something doesn't feel right to you, you can choose to tell him what you feel, what he's done that makes you feel that way. If it isn't resolved you can choose to let him know what you will do if the relationship continues like this. This gets across as clearly as possible how you are affected by something, and what steps you will take to address the matter if he chooses to continue the behaviour that makes you not feel right. "Why did you take down that picture of us from your profile? I feel like you're hiding me from someone and I don't like that feeling." No resolution? No satisfactory response? Not convinced? Long complicated response? "Okay, whatever, I'm not convinced. I need a relationship with transparency and what we have is not working for me. I'm calling the relationship off." Sure you have feelings for him, but you if you let yourself be held hostage to those feelings you will feel like a hostage and that feels bad.
Author confused30 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 I dont know if I told him what to do now, he is confusing me, i sent him an email saying i wasnt very happy about it and it hurt me that he had deleted pics of us and asked why he did it. Then today I think I said I know that is stupid but it is important to me and might have asked if he would put them back.
Author confused30 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Oh and he said yes he would do it later and then couple of hours after he wanted me to do something for him and I made a joke and said ok I will do it in exchange for the pics, now he has flipped again. Stupid comment to make I suppose. He said I already told you I would do the pics and is now making out I am forcing him.
angelboots Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 run.... Run a mile and dont look back. He sounds like my now ex and he was definitely not a good catch. He is flip flopping on you and making you feel anxious and neurotic. the simple answer is dump him and find someone who is proud to be with you. The reason you are feeling anxious is that your intuition is telling you something isn't adding up but you are making excuses or more to the point allowing him to make a million excuses to justify why people cant know you are together... I know i want a man who is willing to scream from the roof tops that he is with me lol hell I would be happy with one who doesn't even do the whole social networking thing, but one who actively does and plays sneaky games like saying you are together but then hiding it, deleting your pictures off his profile, not wanting you to meet he's family... RED FLAGS hun, I feel for you though xxx I hope I am wrong.
betterdeal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I dont know if I told him what to do now, he is confusing me, i sent him an email saying i wasnt very happy about it and it hurt me that he had deleted pics of us and asked why he did it. Then today I think I said I know that is stupid but it is important to me and might have asked if he would put them back. It's not stupid to feel any which way you feel about anything. Feelings make you real. Your interaction with each other is upsetting your happiness (and it sounds like it's upsetting his too). Sometimes it helps to take a break (an hour, a few days, a week, a year, forever) to process those emotions without the complication of having to deal with further conflict with the person you're in conflict with. Take some time out. Switch your phone off. No social media contact. Accept how you feel, process it, let then go, do something fun (have a bath, go for a walk, call a buddy) get yourself back into a strong, calm, self-respecting position. Bear in mind how this scenario made you feel. If you cannot let go, you can take some more time and space to be able to. Think about how to handle similar disappointments in the future. Keep it simple: see things from your perspective; if it annoys you, say so; if it gets complicated, pull back; if he makes excuses / answers things you haven't said that's his problem - not yours. Be your own best friend. In this life you will meet hundreds, thousands of people. The only one who will be there from cradle to grave, is you. Own your own happiness. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Don't let other people's problems become yours.
Author confused30 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice you have been really great. He has put an album up now with some pictures of us on holidays. I asked him is it private in that only we can see it or can all his friends see it too and he said that itis a public file and everyone can see it. I have no way of knowing if this is true or not other than to trust him. I told him that if I found out in future that it wasnt it would reall hurt me. Dont know what more I can do. Everything else if great between just this one niggling thing
TokyoG33kyGal Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 i would understand if you two have been dating only for a couple of months, but at this point he should have made it official. even if he don't accept your relationship status request, he could have just put 'in a relationship' in his status and it would be good. my last ex was kinda like that. he never put any photos of us on facebook though he changed his status relationship. then i found out he does that cuz he's still looking and he didn't want to be a total loser so he needed to have a girlfriend. i dumped him and he still have remained single ever since lol. one thing i told him when we were breaking up was i want a man who's not afraid that people will find it silly that he has a girlfriend.
ALonerAgain Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 (edited) Have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months and we are friends on fb, he works away and can only come home every 10 weeks for a month or so which is hard. I requested him to be in a relationship on fb and he accepted but I have since found out that he has hidden it so the only people that can see it are me and him which didnt make me feel too great. We had an argument a little while back about something and he knew the whole fb thins bugged me as I feel like he is hiding me away. His reasons are that his family have always given him a hard time about being single in the past and he would take girls home and then eventually they would split up and his family would gossip about him and stuff so now he likes to keep stuff to himself, which ok I can kind of understand. However, after this argument I woke up the next day and found he had changed his fb profile pic to one of the both of us which made me really happy, he knew it would and I thanked him for doing it. He only kept it up for about 5 days and then changed it to something else but the photo was still there in his album and i think others would have been able to see it. However, I looked on his page tonight and now it has been deleted altogether and there is nothing of us on his page anymore. I know maybe I am being stupid and childish but this rings alarm bells for me. He hasn't deleted any other pics on there so why the one of us? It hurts a bit as I have been cheated on before and I dont want to be naieve and stupid and have the same thing happen again. I have sent him a couple of emails about it this evening just asking why and whats going on. I was really annoyed and fustrated about it so just shot them off. There is a time difference between us though so he wont get them until the morning. Why would he delete us though? Should I think the worst? Just to put it in context, he is a very loving bf, he tells me im the one for him, he wants to be with me forever, we're made for each other, he will never meet anyone else like me. What am I supposed to think? Am i over-reacting? Can I ask him to put it back on tomorrow? It just made me feel better that other people i.e. girls could see he was in a relationship. I mean what must it look like to people on there now, like we have split up cos he has deleted the only pic of us?? Wow, I cannot believe that everybody is being so quick to jump on the guy! Speaking as a female who had her ex pull this one on me, I'm gona throw some alternatives to the "dump his ASS" comment. - How have his past relationships been? Has he been hurt before or sensitive to rejection? Does he have low-self esteem? Maybe he doesn't believe that the relationship is 'real' yet (and yes, that would be an insecurity on his part). Or maybe you don't trust him because he's cheated in the past? - I've learnt that the whole 'you don't want everyone to know we're in a relationship' is a symptom, not a cause. It's a symptom of your insecurity, which you have admitted as you have been cheated on before. When my ex had pointed the fact that he couldn't see our relationship status I was genuinely horrified because everytime I logged on I could see it: "xx and I are in a relationship", so didn't realise that I hadn't changed my settings. All our important friends knew we were together as did he and I. (Anyway, I genuinely don't like to post that because I have my own insecurities about things not working out (fear of rejection). Ironically enough, we broke up (not because of that though) so at least it saved me from getting all the pity replies of Sorry to hear that (you are single) - something which I feel is personal. - Has he personally told his friends about you? Just because it's not plastered on FB, doesn't mean he's 'hiding' it from his mates. - I, personally am not a photos person. I don't have a digital camera so I'm not constantly snapping away and def. can't be bothered uploading stuff. If, as you say, he doesn't have a whole lot of other info on there about any other aspect of his life, why is it bugging you so much? I have an ex work-colleague on my friends list and she's hardly on FB. She doesn't have much info on her profile either but I know that she's happily married and is going to have a child soon. - Look at how he treats you on a day-to-day basis. Look at his words and his actions. Do they match? Has he introduced you to his friends and family yet? Does he share himself emotionally with you? Do you both love, care and respect each other? These are things you should be asking yourself. Not whether or not he has posted the latest pictures of you 2 on his wall or told everyone in cyberspace that he's in a relationship. If he is as loving a boyfriend as you say he is, why let this point ruin your relationship? Instead of focussing on what he's (not) doing, why don't you look at what you're doing and ask yourself what the real problem is? I think that basing the quality of a relationship on what is and is not posted on FB is absolutely childish. To do so smacks of insecurity - mainly on your part. Remember you cannot control what someone else does/doesn't do. You are only responsible for yourself. And if you have a gut instinct that tells you you cannot trust your boyfriend based solely on the whole FB matter, well that's your issue, not his. Edited April 3, 2011 by ALonerAgain
SnowandStars Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Sigh. Facebook. I do not broadcast my relationship on Facebook and if a guy expects that then we will not work. Sounds like a lot of insecurity. Everyone does not need to know your business and I'm actually on his side. I don't need people knowing when I'm in a relationship and when we've broken up. Facebook friends that do not see me often do not need to know who my boyfriend is or what he looks like. My relationship status stays blank for this reason. What ever did we do before Facebook? Anyone who is so caught up over a social networking site to that extent needs to find another hobby or something.
robdrm32 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I don't understand why people use facebook then claim "people don't need to know what goes on in my life". That goes against the point of facebook imo. The way i see it is he took the time to delete the photo for a reason. He says you are the one for him blah blah, but he doesn't seem to thrilled about showing you off in a public forum. There is an inconsistency to me. Not to say he is up to something it just doesn't jive. If he is making you feel like you are in the wrong/acting crazy rather than understand where you are coming from that is an issue to me. In my experience when someone is doing something shady and they get called out on it and then try to reflect it onto the other person, its a bad sign.
ALonerAgain Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I don't understand why people use facebook then claim "people don't need to know what goes on in my life" That goes against the point of facebook imo. The way i see it is he took the time to delete the photo for a reason.. It's called selective information. Social networking is...social networking. Not necessarily an online diary (although most people tend to treat it that way). He says you are the one for him blah blah, but he doesn't seem to thrilled about showing you off in a public forum. There is an inconsistency to me. Not to say he is up to something it just doesn't jive. If he is making you feel like you are in the wrong/acting crazy rather than understand where you are coming from that is an issue to me. In my experience when someone is doing something shady and they get called out on it and then try to reflect it onto the other person, its a bad sign. There could be any number of reasons why he's doing it - it doesn't always have to mean the worst! It depends if he's getting defensive about it and not trying to understand her point of view. However, I don't think he's making her feel anything negative that she's not already thinking herself.
robdrm32 Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 It's called selective information. Social networking is...social networking. Not necessarily an online diary (although most people tend to treat it that way). There could be any number of reasons why he's doing it - it doesn't always have to mean the worst! It depends if he's getting defensive about it and not trying to understand her point of view. However, I don't think he's making her feel anything negative that she's not already thinking herself. When I go to a bar and i see a girl all dressed up and done up with makeup and hanging by herself or with 1 or 2 female friends I assume she is single. when i go on a girls facebook and see no relationship status and no pictures of them huddled close to a guy, I assume they are single. Your right, it is selective information, he's selecting not to share he is in a relationship. I think his actions are making her feel something negative.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 If he doesn't care that much about Facebook then why take the time to delete the only picture of you as a couple? He is going to great lengths, even arguing with his gf to hide her from....someone. As for the profile pic, he could easily say that you two broke up once he removed the pic.
elaina Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I dated a guy who did that and it turns out he dated others. Something is off. My current guy, was adding and tagging himself on pictures of us as a couple after 2 weeks. Agreed. Eternal Sunshine, I adore your avatar!!! Y'all are an extremely beautiful/handsome couple and y'all look so happy, which is most important!
elaina Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 He said he took it down as he didn't like the way he looked in it. I find that hard to believe as there are some a lot worse on there. Anyway after some arguing he said he would put it back later if it made me feel better. He did say that I shouldn't be telling him what he can and can't put on his own fb though. Don't know what to think really now. He is making out I have made a big deal out of nothing. Ask him if he would like to put up a picture of both of you together that he likes of both of you. If he doesn't have a picture of ya'll together that he likes, then if you do, email him that pic. Also, does he have a picture of just you that he likes? Many of my guy friends have pictures of their girl on their facebook, both pictures of her by herself, and pictures of them together. I think that's very sweet. When you ask him, be really sweet and tell him it's important to you because it makes you feel special to him. Don't accuse him of "You don't have..." But rather ask him if he has a pic of you two together that he likes to put up, because that would make you feel so special and loved that he would put you on his facebook. You know what I mean?
orangelady Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I've met a man like what you described before. They'll use all kinds of excuses like "I don't want my family to know YET....etc etc" Thing is, you let your love emotions cloud your reasoning. It's not love when one party is acting unreasonable and suspicious. It really does sound shady and I think you should not give your heart away so easily to someone like that. Things are not complicated, it's us who complicate things. It sounds like you're suffering and you shouldn't. Frankly, I find all this Facebook stuff to be very superficial but I guess it's a good way to find out if your partner is cheating or trying to hide you. I don't know why a person would want to hide their relationship. There can be many reasons but it should be well talked out.
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It sounds suspicious but that doesn't prove guilt. No one here really knows what this guy's true motives are. Also, it's easy for people to say "dump his ass!" cause it's not their relationship. Sure, everyone should give up on everything at the first sign of trouble and keep pushing onward to find that "perfect" person that exists out there in the dreamworld, that perfect relationship where no problems will exist for you anymore. No. But anyway, it does sound weird. I would just keep an eye on his activities. Hate to say it but if you have any genius friends who are good at stealth activities, maybe they can play detective to figure out if he's cheating. My friend did that for a girl I knew and exposed her BF's cheating to the world. Pretty crafty stuff he did to pull it off.
ALonerAgain Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 It sounds suspicious but that doesn't prove guilt. No one here really knows what this guy's true motives are. Also, it's easy for people to say "dump his ass!" cause it's not their relationship. Sure, everyone should give up on everything at the first sign of trouble and keep pushing onward to find that "perfect" person that exists out there in the dreamworld, that perfect relationship where no problems will exist for you anymore. No. But anyway, it does sound weird. I would just keep an eye on his activities. Hate to say it but if you have any genius friends who are good at stealth activities, maybe they can play detective to figure out if he's cheating. My friend did that for a girl I knew and exposed her BF's cheating to the world. Pretty crafty stuff he did to pull it off. Ditto to this comment!
tigressA Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 My last ex was like this. I didn't press him about FB, just mentioned it a few times, and he always refused to update his relationship status. He even told his friends who met me to not put up any pictures--not just pictures solely of the two of us, but just any pictures we both were in! Turned out he had been involved with someone else the whole time we were together. Your BF is hiding you from someone.
tigressA Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Yep, and when someone has a SO, and doesn't change the facebook status to ' in a relationship', that person is still looking for someone. Before, I would've disagreed with you on this one. I used to be fine with just removing the status altogether. After what happened with my ex (all he had done was remove it, but he had been cheating) I see it as a big red flag if your SO isn't willing to publicly acknowledge that they're in a relationship. Even if your SO is one of those dismissive-toward-social-media types like my BF is, they will still change their status and be fine with pictures being put up and tagged if they are proud to be with you, have nothing to hide, and view you as a priority--someone whose needs are to be acknowleged and fulfilled, within reason.
Freshprince Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Somewhere you mentioned that your SO is in the military, therefore he doesn't have opportunities to see other women. That is just false. Military guys get access to plenty of women wherever they are stationed. I'm friends with military guys, trust me. I suspect foul play.
sally4sara Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 You could make yourself crazy wondering about what it means. It doesn't really matter what it means. It makes you feel bad and you don't get to see him very often. A good relationship for you won't have stupid game playing and a bunch of confusing behavior. I see stuff like this as not really a good indication of infidelity (because you can't know for sure so why worry or assume it is happening) but a huge indication of incompatibility. Why spend so much time worrying about a guy who makes you feel bad when there is clearly a lack of compatibility? Drop him and find a better match.
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