johan Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Let's say you meet someone you start to really like. And things start off going fast from the start. Really fast. The spark is there and you're both interested. The first two dates are amazing and the attraction is obvious even on the physical side. Within a week, you've had three dates and are talking about getting physical all the way. Your values match and you have so many things in common, not everything, but a surprising number of things. After the third date, this person cools off. Not completely. But the entire pattern changes. There's no explanation offered. The contact continues, but there is less of it, and the enthusiasm has dimmed. The fourth date gets canceled (for a legitimate reason) and there's no apology or regret. No offer of another time. It's been such a short time. There's no commitment. And at this point, people are free to come and go as they see fit. But still you wonder: what did I do or say? No one has broken anything off formally, but you just feel it. After such a short time "breaking things off" seems a little absurd. You went on some dates, but to say you were "dating" is a bit of a reach. You were just figuring out if you wanted to. So do you ask? Where did the spark go? What killed it? Maybe you feel at risk not knowing. Because whatever it is is still there, waiting to rise up and strike the next budding relationship down. If you ask, you show your cards. The last thing this apparently expiring relationship needs is one person loading it down with heavy, long talks and pressure. There's still hope. But if you don't ask, you just sit and wonder. Or maybe you just accept that these things happen. Maybe you shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Should you be self-contained enough to shrug these things off? Can you accept that it isn't something you need to fix? It's just what happens when two people discover each other. Things don't always align as well as you want them to. Maybe they will go better with the next person. How do you know you're really not that flawed?
xpaperxcutx Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Well I know what I'm capable of bringing to the table and usually I'm already aware of my expectations of them and vice versa. Of course, as much as attraction can make or break a date, I think a fire that burns too fast tend to burn out fast as well. But it does pay to be a bit thick skinned when it comes to rejection. The sooner you can accept a rejection, the faster you can move on to someone who can you are compatible with.
Author johan Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 What do you mean you know what you bring to the table?
xpaperxcutx Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 What do you mean you know what you bring to the table? Well, if you're looking for a relationship ( whether long term or short term) shouldn't you look for someone who is compatible and meet certain criterias? I know that as a woman, if I am actively seeking a relationship, I would need to bring into it, trust, emotional availability,etc. I am aware of what I have to offer if an LTR is a possiblity in the future. These things are usually discussed on dates, so expectations are laid out and you're well aware about what the other person is seeking in the long run.
EasyHeart Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Should you be self-contained enough to shrug these things off? Can you accept that it isn't something you need to fix? It's just what happens when two people discover each other. Things don't always align as well as you want them to. Maybe they will go better with the next person. How do you know you're really not that flawed?After this short a time (four dates), you need to just shrug it off. Keep in mind that you only saw one side of each date -- your side -- and you have no idea what was going through her mind or how she saw you. If she's not interested, she's not interested; the reason is irrelevant. Maybe all the stuff she said that made you feel that you were compatible was just BS. Who knows? I sometimes wish life were like a TV show and there were people watching and recording us on all of our dates, and they could critique us afterwards. And they would interview our date and find out what they thought about us. I would be fascinated to have someone critique my dates.
alphamale Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Where did the spark go? What killed it? could be any number of a thousand things, best to leave it alone
CloudLiver Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Well, you obviously messed something up. Either way, if she cancels on you, it's over. Time to go to the next girl. Your post is very vague. Add more detail if you want more specific advice.
Gala Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Johan - Chances are, it was not about you. Really. That kind of reversal is often about readiness rather than chemistry. I can't guarantee that, but that strikes me as a strong possibility. I've done it, just a bit further into the relationship. And I've been on the receiving end - which of course sucks. But it happens. While it might feel a bit unspontaneous to ask about a girl's dating objectives, those kinds of questions can sometimes cut down on surprises later. I hope this helps! I've seen so many good words from you to people on this site that I wanted to offer my view. Take care of yourself.
Tizzy Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Within a week, you've had three dates and are talking about getting physical all the way. Maybe this had something to do with it. Maybe she wasn't ready for getting physical and all that stuff. I personally would be a little offended and feel uncomfortable if a guy brought up sex within a week of knowing me. Maybe she thought you were just trying to get in her pants. Were you?? Something else to think about is maybe there was another guy she liked better. You could've been a rebound or maybe her focus simply shifted elsewhere. You'll probably never know. Either way, it was only 3 dates and I personally wouldn't sweat it. Whatever happened to cause her change of heart is unlikely to be reversed. Once we women give up on a guy its pretty much a done deal.
tami-chan Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I would think about "where did the spark go?" but I would never ask the person to explain himself...I would just shrug it off...it is never about me, anyway...! I think it is emotionally decapitating when one has to go to another person to ask 'why are you not interested in me anymore?" Like alpha said,,best to leave it be-it has ran its course....
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Hmmm talking about getting physical all the way sounds weird...but not sure about the context. I think it's better to take it slow at the start. Having 3 dates in the first week is A LOT. All my dating experiences that started like that have fizzled out pretty quickly. It's just unnatural to go from strangers to that so quickly and can feel forced to keep up that pace. Not sure what the situation is now but I would try to set something up one more time and just give up after that. It's too early to ask for explanations, it would come across as psycho.
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