WiselyNaive Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 first off i'd like to make it clear that im 18 & he is 20 because i feel age plays a big role in the advice i should take but please don't use my age as a reason why i shouldn't be complaining...we all get hurt Last time i was here i was venting about my "first love" a guy who still & always will remain "the one that got away" for me...even thought he's the one who cheated..lol kinda messed up... but on a different note i started dating a guy in hopes that i would get over my ex & shockingly it worked...it was a guy that really didnt like at first...he wasnt in my league...there were so many things i disliked about him...he tried to get with me since summer '10...at times i tried using him to make my ex jealous but ofcourse i didnt fall for him..when summer ended..so did he...after months had passed he popped back on the scene...and had let me know he really never gave up on me n doesn't plan to...it was really sketchy but from my impression of this guy believable...believable that he would linger around and wait for a girl who had no interest in him and was using him...see i kind of pitied him in that respect in my head when i replied to him i was doing him a favor....now after an incident with my ex in Christmas '10 i needed a rebound quickly because i desperately needed to get over my first love/boyfriend....i felt as though this guy deserved a fair chance because of how long he had been waiting...so i decided to give him a chance i figured someone so "loyal" couldn't be all that bad he had been telling me he loved me since summer maybe i should believe him......so i started spending time with him and becoming open , while in the back of my head my hidden agenda was merely to distract myself from my ex i felt like no matter what at the result of this relationship i was NOT the one who was going to be hurt , this boy was simply "too soft , too emotional" to be able to crack me... as time passed i really began to like this guy and for the first time in a year i was happy in terms of relationships..but the truth is...i didnt love this guy..but i trusted him on a level that i doubt ill reach again...i trusted him...really trusted him....he really seemed like a different guy...he made all these promises and i believed he wouldnt break them and i believed he loved me... but my judgement was very clouded by the fact that i just wanted nothing to do with my ex..i missed all the red flags... i went on to telling this guy that i trusted him and wanted to lose my virginity to him , (in my mind i KNEW i didnt love him , but i felt like this is so much better than losing it to someone i loved n didnt trust because when we ended it would tear me apart so much more i felt like even if this guy turned out to be the devil it wouldn't hurt as much because im just "using" him & i trusted that he would cherish the fact that i chose him) ....but to this day i dont know if i consider what we did sex so i dont even kno if i should call my self a virgin still we tried twice the second time a little more successful than the first but still not "sex"...so....yea.... anyway...unlike what i was told from most people no an automatic switch hadn't flipped, no he didn't start ignoring me n treating me like ****.. it was the same if not better...but i was going to be returning to to a different country for school soon....he still really wanted us to stay together and have a long distance relationship although i was skeptical.....then him & his MOTHER...told me that within 1 or 2 months he was supposed to be moving to where i was he even showed me some "paperwork" & that is what caused me to stay with him. the girl that i am i decided i wont "continue" or "begin" (since im not sure lol) to have sex with him until he reached just to be sure , so i held off ... now months later...this is where i am...lol he never came..i actually believe that whole thing was a lie just to get me to be with him....he broke every single promise & i discovered more than 50% of what he said was a lie...i cant lie and say im not hurt...in fact im a little crushed...and relieved that i never really fell in love because i don't know how i would be coping....im hurt because i trusted him and now realizing everything was a lie and how fraudulent he is and how silly...gullible...and NAIVE....i was to fall for it... he broke up with me 3 weeks ago over something really silly...either 2 possibilities were he thought we would drop it n get back as usual but or he wanted to break up and used a different reason cause he was too cowardly however its not the fact that we broke up that hurts but what followed... i discovered how SPITEFUL he is...he actually went out if his way to break every promise and make sure id see...he treats the fact that i let him be my first like it is nothing...he had all over his twitter that his ex was by his house merely 1 week after the break up and made remarks that would lead me to believe they were having sex..however i do not know their relationship...it may have been a hoax to make me jealous so i wont count it...i do however know he has been trying to get with a girl using EVERY trick he put on me...revealing how much a fool i really was to fall for a rehearsed scheme some or most might say i deserved this from what my intentions were..and a part of that may be true maybe i had this coming since i had a hidden agenda..but fact remains i never hurt him or did anything to him , i gave him my trust & all he did was use and take advantage of me..and now he has left...i feel so used...and it hurts and im sitting here thinking that its probably because i thought i was gonna be using him although since we started becoming serious i ever did i may have in the future.. out of the 3 weeks weve been broke up we have been nc for 2 weeks 1 day...last contact was intiated by him and ended by me saying never message me again (but come on) :S...it was also very brief... he broke up with me for literally nothing... i feel an apology was deserved..thats all i wanted...but i guess i have to let it go..this doesn't compare to my first breakup ..im no where close to as hurt..but i jus feel used...im wondering if he will ever acknowledge what hes done and how hes wrong or if this is really it...ive been weak maybe 3 times since nc but i haven't nor do i plan to break it...and it seems im not worth him breaking it for me either , i would understand if i actually did something to him but i SWEAR ..nothing & i know he knows he should at least say sorry....idk what hurts more thinking he lost love for me that quick...thinking he never loved me....or thinking he still does but is actually that ****ed in the head that even saying sorry is a issue... who breaks up with someone for something as small as deleting them on bbm? someone they love?... lol i feel like were 2 kids arguin over a shovel...a day or 2 after he ended it i tried to fix it because something so small shouldn't cause such a rift..but he began demeaning me and talking to me like i was nothing and thats what i refuse to accept. 2 weeks nc n counting... felt like sharing this any advice or input is greatly appreciated...i just feel lost...
Recommended Posts