cincy_one Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 My girlfriend of 6yrs broke up with me on Feb 28th..Break up wasnt the best..She told me she wants to move on..../We did have some contact (not much) as she had some questions about business things (bills etc) we lived together in her Condo...I started NC about 11 days ago and havent heard from her since..I did receive a (private call) yesterday at 12:24pm which could have been her..(not many people have my cell)but then again proably wasnt..The question I have is a hard one to answer since every person is different...I guess Im asking girls out there..Even if you break up with a guy and you dont hear from them..Does it effect you?Does it make you wonder why he hasnt called/emailed?..Its killing me to know if Im having any effect on her...I am not going to end NC.On one hand I want her to call ( i wouldnt answer it)On the other hand it kills me she hasnt called/emailed to wonder if im okay..Maybe she doesnt care..God that hurts..Help!!
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Hi there I feel for you. You're in the most challenging stage of a big period of change in your life and it's hard at the best of times. None of us can know what she's thinking or feeling. Part of splitting up is getting used to not caring about what they're doing, thinking, feeling. What good does it do to worry about what someone you're not connected to any more thinks about you? Nothing. You have to let go of that worry, maybe have a cry. Try to do things that make you happy because right now you need to feel good. You'll get there, my friend.
Little_Bee Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 It's very hard to see that the other person seems to have moved on but you will move on as well as long as you don't break the NC. You must start to concentrate on you, work through your feelings and start to live a life without her - that hard but it's harder to think about how she might feel and it doesn't bring you any further. Try a new hobby and try to keep you busy so that you don't think about her constantly.
lapse Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Part of splitting up is getting used to not caring about what they're doing, thinking, feeling. Exactly. Well-said. And I think that's absolutely one of the hardest things to get used to after a long relationship. As a female, I have always cared and wondered why the other person wasn't contacting me (unless it just wasn't someone I spent much time with anyway). At the same time, I also know that if they did (and it's over for me), it's best if I don't respond. What are you going to do? Make small talk? That in itself is really painful because you're 'pretending' that all of these deeper feelings aren't there. There's this huge elephant in the room and it's standing on my little toe and I just smile and pretend to be interested in what so and so at work was complaining about? And, personally, the small talk leaves me with this awful void. But, then, if you talk about the feelings, etc., you start regressing. Void again. Until you get to the point at which you aren't struggling not to think about them all the time and you've reached stability in your moods toward the breakup, it's just better not to connect with them. You're too vulnerable. I'm sure, after 6 years, it hurts her, too. It's just the nature of things. After 4 years, I dumped my ex a couple of weeks ago. I don't want to be with him, but it still hurts like hell and I wish he wasn't some of the things that he is. And yet I do 'wonder' why he doesn't call. And in some way I hope it's because he, too, knows that it's over and he's getting on with his life. And then I hope that he does call because I don't want him to accept that it's over. But that right there is a prime example of why it's best to just not be in touch. Dangerous times!
Author cincy_one Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 I cant believe this..She just called my cell..First there was a "private call"/then a few minutes later she called me...I have my phone on silent so I dont answer it if its her..So i missed the call..Im not calling her back/no good could come from talking to her...I have a queasy feeling in my stomach right now....NO CONTACT
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Seriously, change your number. You will get a massive sense of relief.
Little_Bee Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Yes, your feeling are up and down at the moment, that's only naturally. Stay where you are, stay strong as NC is the only answer right now and it's very good that you have realised that nothing good would come from talking to her. Of course, you are curious to see what she wants and maybe even hope that she wants to turn everything around but don't give into this hope and break the NC as it would hurt you way more if you would speak to her.
lapse Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 hell yes! good for you cincy! I also have to confess that when I do get to ignore calls and texts, it makes it easier for me for a couple of days. It's a validation of the depth of what we had - I'm not the only one struggling with the loss. But I'll be damned if I'll put myself out there and do the same. If you really want it to be over *or* you don't want to be toyed with when you're not quite grounded yet, no contact is the only way. These 'sharing sessions' or 'beatings' (whichever the case may be) are just no good! Oh, how I have been reeled back in and forgotten all of the bad things in some of those conversations. I'm happy for you, cincy. I bet she was the private caller. Take that! Identifying your private caller is the shmit.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 That queasy feeling is your adrenal glands emptying. They're emptying all their adrenalin and cortisol as a fear response. You're afraid of contact with her. If you continue to be subjected to this, you will be running in stress mode for too long and your health will suffer. You have the right to look after yourself, and not having contact (and a phone ringing is contact) is the prime way to look after yourself right now.
Author cincy_one Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Everyone on here gives such great advice..I love this girl my than anything in my life and would love for her to being calling me to say nice things and get back together...She proably isnt..We lived together for 6yrs and proably has a question about something stupid..It would set me back to talk to her at this point...im shaking as im writing this...This is so damn hard..Like i said, no good can come from talking to her right now...
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Exactly. The shaking is your fear response. You're wound up like a watch-spring because our natural defences were evolved to deal with wolves / tigers / lions / bears and running or fighting was the best defence against them. When that feeling is gone, when you stop fearing contact with her, that's when you can make decisions / discuss big things with her.
Recommended Posts