Tryingtogetbetter Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I was reading this somewhere and felt that it helped me, especially during this time of NC. I have been in NC for a month and before that, limited contact with the XMM for 3 months. I had previously replied to his random skype/emails and it is only in the recent one month that I completely cut off. It had been a very tough journey and I, like many others here have been having my emotional turmoil of the why did he go back/when is he going to contact me/will we ever be together again etc etc...This definitely helped me and I would like to share it with all of you. A boundary defines where our responsibilty begins and end. We cannot take responsibility for the decisions and feelings of the OM/OW about their marriages/decision to leave or stay. Its like we live in our own houses and the fences around it define the boundary of which we have access to, and those that belong to our neighbours. We can only be responsible for cleaning up our own messes but obviously can't walk right into our neighbour's place even though it is in a big mess and help to clean theirs up. Similarly, we can only take care of ourselves and define what is acceptable to us or not. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people, in this case the om/ow when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us i.e. stringing us along and not be truthful about whether they are prepared to be with us. Setting boundaries is not about manipulating the person to come back to us or to attempt to make them act in ways that would favour an outcome with us. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome! To me, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have decided to set the personal boundary and gone NC because he hasn't done the right thing by me. I am also slowly letting go of the outcome (most likely he isnt going to come back and we may never even meet again). But at the end of it, I can set my house in order, heal and become healthy emotionally again. We must love ourselves first, if we are to find true love. I hope all of you find strength and hope even during NC. We are not alone indeed!
spice4life Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Thank you for posting this, it makes total sense. Take responsibilty for ourselves and fixing our lives is all we can do. We have to let go of the dynamics and distractions so we can focus on the important stuff like loving ourselves so we can love others and being emotionally healthy.
MorningCoffee Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I find this quite insightful. In the past, NC meant and felt like I was losing out on what I wanted. It was therefore deprivation. This perspective helps make NC more of a positive good, less of a negative lack. Thanks for posting it.
ChocCheesecake Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I find this quite insightful. In the past, NC meant and felt like I was losing out on what I wanted. It was therefore deprivation. This perspective helps make NC more of a positive good, less of a negative lack. Thanks for posting it. That is how I am looking at it as I start out on it right now.....but I agree, the OP's post makes me feel like I am doing more of a good thing for myself....if we're depriving ourselves of anything, it's something dysfunctional and bad for us.
20Seconds Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I was reading this somewhere and felt that it helped me, especially during this time of NC. I have been in NC for a month and before that, limited contact with the XMM for 3 months. I had previously replied to his random skype/emails and it is only in the recent one month that I completely cut off. It had been a very tough journey and I, like many others here have been having my emotional turmoil of the why did he go back/when is he going to contact me/will we ever be together again etc etc...This definitely helped me and I would like to share it with all of you. A boundary defines where our responsibilty begins and end. We cannot take responsibility for the decisions and feelings of the OM/OW about their marriages/decision to leave or stay. Its like we live in our own houses and the fences around it define the boundary of which we have access to, and those that belong to our neighbours. We can only be responsible for cleaning up our own messes but obviously can't walk right into our neighbour's place even though it is in a big mess and help to clean theirs up. Similarly, we can only take care of ourselves and define what is acceptable to us or not. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people, in this case the om/ow when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us i.e. stringing us along and not be truthful about whether they are prepared to be with us. Setting boundaries is not about manipulating the person to come back to us or to attempt to make them act in ways that would favour an outcome with us. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome! To me, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have decided to set the personal boundary and gone NC because he hasn't done the right thing by me. I am also slowly letting go of the outcome (most likely he isnt going to come back and we may never even meet again). But at the end of it, I can set my house in order, heal and become healthy emotionally again. We must love ourselves first, if we are to find true love. I hope all of you find strength and hope even during NC. We are not alone indeed! This is a really inspiring post. I am having difficulty sticking to my boundaries at the moment and it has really made me sit up and think today. Thank you!
Confused4Now Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Setting boundaries is not about manipulating the person to come back to us or to attempt to make them act in ways that would favour an outcome with us. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome! To me, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have decided to set the personal boundary and gone NC because he hasn't done the right thing by me. I am also slowly letting go of the outcome (most likely he isnt going to come back and we may never even meet again). But at the end of it, I can set my house in order, heal and become healthy emotionally again. We must love ourselves first, if we are to find true love. I hope all of you find strength and hope even during NC. We are not alone indeed!I remembered early on when I first came to LS....I used NC as a means to get my xMW to move forward and it worked most of the time....problem was she'd do a little bit and then stop. So you can say I used as a way of manipulating her to do some action. This topic has been beat to death on this forum too. However after sometime....I realized after what I've gone through and had to do it over again. I would have gone NC with the thought of coming back. As was said...NC you have to totally let go......
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'm around six weeks in on NC, and some days it is rough on me. Several weeks of LC before that. I am the one who said NC; what i really wanted was more than LC...but that LC was killing me so it was NC or nothing. Thank you for this post, it helps me keep focused on the destination for recovery, especially on a day like today when I can't keep her off my mind. I can't take responsibility for her choosing to focus on her SO, even if I pushed her that way. She's born again, that's on her side of the fence not mine. Let go of the outcome...I like that. I need to keep reminding myself of that phrase. Yes...I am using NC to let go of the outcome, so I don't think that I can control the outcome and suffer more. NC so i stop waiting for her to call, stop waiting to apologize and set the lawns on fire. Trying, thank you for the post, it helped me. I hope you continue to improve, as well. You're not alone, either. LS FTW
siuys Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'm 2.5 weeks into NC. Making a committed decision to end it was the only way for me to move on. Not easy as you go two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes I waver and feel sad. Other times I'd be angry. I keep reminding myself if I do not really let go, I will never move on. The pain of remaining in the A is far worse than being out of it.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Hey there guys... I am glad that this helps us all to stay on track..I share all of your struggles..two steps forward, one step backward..the task of having to deal with so much negative emotions and pain...One thing my therapist shared with me yesterday is that, we've got to stop overanalysing the situation i.e. why and what is going on in the ow/om's mind etc etc..because ours is an emotional problem and rationalisation does NOT solve our problems because it is simply the wrong tools to use to cope with an emotional problem..hence, stop analysing his/her moves and motivations.. What we CAN do is to focus on US and stop focusing on the outcome. Apart from knowing that we NEED to set boundaries, it is to know HOW to do it. To do that, we need to be able to be aware of our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, thoughts, abilities, wants etc and DEFINE WHO WE ARE and WHO WE ARE NOT. Only then, can we make a stand for ourselves and develop the ability to say NO-- i will not accept this arrangement because it makes me feel shortchanged, second fiddle etc etc. One very important aspect of taking responsibility for ourselves is to STOP BLAMING OTHERS. Taking responsibility for our own pain and not blaming others is a major move out of bondage and into health. This does not mean that others did not cause it; it just means that you have to deal with it. Blaming others is a dead end street. Like in my case, I was entrapped for a long time over, why did he pursue me, when he knows he isn't going to be serious about me etc etc..I have to stop the blame game and start to take responsibility for my own pain. Also, we need to STOP PLAYING VICTIM. We have to begin to take responsiblity for those choices we made and own them. At the end of it, we CHOSE this path and we are responsible to a large extent for the pain that we are now looking to get out of. Lastly and most importantly, it is to persevere on! Nothing can work if we do not have the patience and tenacity to stick to the decision we made to go NC and walk away from a situation that was bad for us. Stop thinking about the ow/om and how they are doing, whether they are happy with their decision and the person they are with..again, remember boundaries..he/she will need to take responsibility for the choices they make and therein, live with the consequences of that. I know we are all hoping that somehow/somewhat the person will start to see us in a different light and actually WANT to take us seriously and give us a proper relationship. BUT how can that happen, if we ourselves do NOT know what we are, and what we allow/disallow? If we are not able to be the healthy, boundary-setting person that we need to be, other people will not be able to take us seriously for ANY thing. I hope we can keep encouraging and updating one another..and see if we have made progress over the months/years...there is no condemnation if we fail to keep NC or decide to go back to that relationship that we walked away from- so long as we remember to take responsibility for the choices we make.
siuys Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks for your posts, TTGB. They are very helpful reminders for me during a down day. I am not doubting my decision at all thank goodness and in a few hours, I might feel very different again. Thank you for posting.
Author Tryingtogetbetter Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Thanks for your posts, TTGB. They are very helpful reminders for me during a down day. I am not doubting my decision at all thank goodness and in a few hours, I might feel very different again. Thank you for posting. Hey siuys, I know its hard. It is the same for me- there are days much worse than others. During those times, ride on the strength of others here who will support u! Hey, those difficult feelings/emotions WILL PASS. Go for a walk..take a little breather and just take the chance to let those emotions sit with you..don't resist them..they are real and you are definitely not denying them away ok? I am cheering you on! Stay focused on you and NOT him or the outcome!
so-wrong Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I've enjoyed reading this thread & feel that it has helped me a little on a really low day for me. On a general note, it never fails to amaze me how much more positive I feel after allowing myself time to indulge in reading LS. I hope to post more regularly from now on also.
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