Broken

[Chezibelle]

Hi,

 

Im new to this website was recommended as therapeutic.

 

Was with my ex since we were 16, now both 24; hes my best friend. We've had our problems over the yrs with jealousy, attitudes, disrespect but the last 12 months has been bad. A close family member of his was diagnosed with cancer, since then his world has fell apart. Then to top off debt, struggling to get a job, low self- esteem and our own problems, he'd been taking his own stress out onto me. Therefore, I was being neglected, we never saw each other, he'd swear at me and shout at me when I said something (he thought it was an attack), he always promised to treat me better, we never go out anywhere (no money), never listens when i talk, really forgetful. I felt upset all the time and tried to leave him a few times, but then my heart would catch up and I'd beg him back.

Now, it's got so bad he has realised how bad he has been treating me and that its making me ill and he is so heart broken and ashamed and disgusted as he said its unhealthy and I shouldn't try and hope and wait all the time for him to change. He said I should be treated like a princess. So, we split so he can get better and maybe if he turns himself around one day we'll get back together, however, he also said I might not want him.

 

I'm in two minds atm, we have so much history, only ever been with each other, I used to think we would be together forever.And as things were getting worse I was in really bad denial for 3 yrs as it was the only way I could cope with it and tell everyone around me we were fine. Also, the thought of being alone stopped me from taking action sooner.

But reality hit me big time and I've been so unhappy, always arguing. I asked him is this what all relationships are like or if I met someone else would he treat me better?

 

He'd been saying for a while now and I had that I don't deserve to be treated like this, I deserve someone who will treat me properly and be happy with.

 

I'm upset and frustrated because as soon as he gets a job, we both feel everything will fall into place, i've been ready for years to live together have children etc, he still lives at home, I don't.

 

But what if he says he has changed and we get back together and it lasts 3 months and goes back to his old way, I don't know if I'm strong enough to to go through all again if I manage to get through it this time, I might feel different stronger?

 

One side of me feels I should let go, as I'm so used to being let down by him, I don't think my heart is strong enough to have it all again and we've been through so much together it so hard to let go. The other side is meet someone new, and I'll finally be happy and have babies and finally have the life that I've never known.

 

As, he's my best friend, its hard to stop all contact and he lives near me so trying to avoid each other would be very hard anyway.

 

I keep having waves one minute im fine, the next im crying my eyes out, I know the way he has been treating me is wrong and no one should be put through that, but I still love him and he still loves me.

 

Any words of wisdom, greatly appreciated. :-(