Mathias Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 So I recently broke up with my first serious relationship, first let me give the story and background of our relationship. I met this girl living downtown at a student housing area. She was living with our next door neighboor on and off and was in some wonky fling with him. She had moved down from CT. around 7 months ago, was working at a pet groom shop and lived in the back of it at the time. So we eventually start hanging out because her boyfriend basicly was only around for 2 hours a day, their sex life was going sour already, and with school he had no time for her. She eventually started to get bold enough to tell me she had liked me since she got in a relationship with him, and she wanted to be with me the whole time. I told her I would refuse to do anything with her unless she had broke up with her current boyfriend. She eventually sat him down and asked what his prioties in his life were, he told her that his school was first, and that she wasn't that important in the long term goal. She ended up breaking with him and my sister and I offered to let her stay on our couch for the next 2 weeks because we were moving to a new condo. We also offered her the third room in the condo as temporary rent, until my sisters baby was born, then it would be the baby room. She had bonded with my sister, and they were pretty good friends. The first night she came over, she ended up in my bed, we talked if we were to be in a relationship, I told her I was only into commited ones, not flings and she told me she was up for anything. We eventually had sex, it was very compatible in a lot of ways. The next day she went to work we kept texting eachother that we couldn't stop thinking about one another, she had to go to a benefit dinner for work that night, and she may sleep over again. I was of course fine with this. She ended sleeping over up to the weekend, where her mom was coming down to visit her. She had told me she was going to some pumpkin festival and invited me to tag along. I decided to go, met her mom and ended up spending the day with her. She seemed to be thinking less sexually and more girlfriend like of me, her boss, whom was with us also mentioned that when she offered me a job at her groom shop, my ex had said she didn't want me working there because she was interested in going out with me. That's when I figured she wanted what I wanted too. After she dropped me off back at my house after spending a day with one another, I kissed her at my front door. We agreed that she would come over the next day after she spent the night at her mothers. We ended up texting each other all night. Fast forward two weeks, we started moving into the condo, we invited her to stay as long as she paid a 4th of the rent and utilities. OF course she kept asking me if it was ok that she stay with us, I told her I wouldn't of offered if I didn't mean what I said. She didn't move her stuff in till about 3 weeks after living there when she finally decided she wanted to. We made a jump choice and instead of moving into the third room, we decided to share a room together. We had a very romantic first night at the condo, no electricity, just the two of us where I spent more time convincing her that she was not intruding in our life, that we all liked her and wanted her to stay as a roommate. Two months later, the holiday's came around, and her boss really needed an extra person for all the dogs that were coming in. We agreed that I'd work temporarily for the week. While I was there, I had noticed that her and her female boss had more then just a, employer employee relationship. Her boss had little friends because she told people what to do and was highly jealous, she also believed that she was always right. My ex seemed to not be her only worker, but her only friend, and it was obvious she was using her for more than just work at the shop, but also as a nanny/maid position at her house and the shop. They had also shared their stories of past sex lives quite frequently, it was quite alarming to find out my GF entire sex history within the week. Quite obviously the subject was pushed by her boss to tell the stories, as her boss was most likeley ruffeling my feathers and testing my limits. I kept my cool but started to get turning in my stomach, I did not want to know this information in one week, especially the specific details. I just thought, should I get tested? After the last day while we were drivign home I had heard enough, and my girlfriend made a joke that the guy on the bike looked cute that drove in front of us. I snapped at her, are you trying to piss me off? I told her how it upset me that she let her boss talk about her past sex life and all in one week in front of me. She told me not to let her boss get to me, and that's why her boss had no friends. I just brushed it off, and told her that she should consider my feelings next time and that I was upset with it. She apologized. Little did I know this was a omen of what was to come. After the holidays, our relationship was great. We had fallen in love, she was the first to let it slip. We also decided to ask our roomates if we could switch to the master bed room being that we pay half the rent and they were going to use the third bedroom for the baby. They decided they weren't going to use the third room, and that we should have gotten a 2 bed room apartment. We made a compromise and decided to move 2 of the 3 couches my GF and I purchased out of the main living room and our xbox we used for netflix to make our own living room, just for us as a couple. They agreed, and we gave them a week to find something else to watch netflix on. That weekend we started moving stuff in, my sister boyfriend was about to fall asleep on the couch and I told him not to get comfortable, we are moving that. It set him in a rage that we were actually making a third living room, he felt that we were putting a wall between us as friends and as roommates. I said no hard feelings, we just want our own living room to watch what we want. He flipped out and started pointing at my girlfriend blaming everything on her. My sister and her boyfriend eventually stormed out to my parents and decided to unload what had happened to them, being that they were a co-signer on the lease. My girlfriend was quite upset by what she was accused of, and I received a phone call from my parents saying that my sister and her boyfriend were accusign her of snorting a bunch of oxycotin, and that she had been snorting pills behind my back. My sister being someone who causes drama in my family for fun, didn't make me think twice about it. Her boyfriend not much different made me think they were falsely accusing her to start some ****. I told my girlfriend that I was furious at my sister, that she was staring some rumor that she was doing pills. She started crying and admitted to me she had been snorting oxycotin, and informed me she had been clean a year from a heroine addiction when she was in CT. She told me that she wanted to come clean to me after she had detoxed with the methedone she had purchased. I told her that I was bothered by it, but I was ok that she had came out honest to me and that I would support her in getting clean. We decided to go to my grandmother's vacation home for a week so that she could detox without the stress and tension from what had happened over the weekend. I took off work to care for her for 2 days, and we told her boss that she had a stomach virus and that she couldn't come in. We had also called her mother to tell her of what events had unfolded but kept the drugs secret being they had been through that once before and I didn't think they needed that stress. She was clean and detoxed for a week, telling me when she was craving the drug, I told her to keep her mind elsewhere and keep busy. Eventually she went back to work mid-week and was doing alright. That weekend she had finally hit her withdrawl plateau and couldn't handle being clean any more. I told her it's either decide to quit or not, don't quit for me quit for yourself, i just don't want anything more to do with it. She eventually decided to go back to the oxycotin, but asked for me to give her limits, that if she felt she was doing too much, call her out on it and we'd check her into rehab. A month went by and her bank account was running quite low. She still paid me the bills and paid for the groceries. She was however missing a day of work per week due to the drugs. Her boss was catching on and started asking me to come in and replace her days off. It evetually got to the point where she left at 6:30 in the morning to pick up the drugs, to which she never woke up early. I told her she had obviously gone to far and that it was time to check in. She said if I need help I'll ask for it. By this point I was going to dump her. The next day I told her in the morning that I'm going to live my life, and you can either shape up and live it with me or live it without me. I went to work for her that day, she started texting me that she wanted to move back home, I didn't answer. Her boss was already promising me full time work at her shop, was tired of my gf **** and was ready to fire her. I told her to think it out, that my gf was just sick and that I didn't want to take her job if she still wanted it. My girlfriend that day called her mom up and admitted that she had been doing oxycotin. Her mom replied that she was done with her. WHen I got home from work she had told me what her mom said, I told her i'd pay for her doctors apointment and treatment if her mom didn't, being htat my gf only had 35 bucks left in her bank account. That night I had told her mom everything I knew about it and that I didn't want to go over my gf head and call her directly. That it was my gf descision if she wanted to tell her mom. Her mom of course commended me for sticking around and doing my best, and that this was part of her daughters life and that her and her husband were coming down to FL to look for houses the next week. That monday I brought my gf to the doctors and got her prescribed suboxyne, she had also signed up for her therapist to recover from the addiction. The medication was workign well, she had no thoughts of the drug and was working everyday without problems, she was becoming a regularly functioning adult in society. That same week her parents came down and found a house to buy with a pool and a hottub. They weren't retiring for another 10 years, and invited my gf and I to live in there for 500 a month and utilities. They had also took us out to buy bulk groceries and cleaning supplies for the new house. I became nervous because I felt they were buying too much at once and that they had also purchased us a 44" led screen tv. I was a little scared that the house was a 10 year commitment thing, but I figured that I'd keep my apartment and that my gf was really getting her life on track, and now had something to work towards.I thought, I love her, and everything would work out, so pushed doubt to the back of my mind and was fine with moving into it. I was figuring hey, I stuck it out through all this stress, maybe the universe is actually rewarding me for giving someone a chance that most other people wouldn't. We learned that the house was closing on April 29th, 2011, and that we could move in on the 30th. By this time, my roommates and my girlfriend really did not get along, so I thought that this would be a great stress reliever, we wouldn't have constant conflict with our living situation. So all was well, my girlfriend seemed really happy that i stuck it out with her, that I was there for her when she was at her lowest. I thought I had a loyal partner for life. A week after her parents left, I was setting the clock forward for day light savings time, so I used her phone to look at the time. When I slid the screen I found text messages to her ex boyfriend of 8 years that she had broken up with 1 year ago because they both had an opiate addiction, and brought each other down. I saw a few pictures that they were sending back and forth, nothing sexual, but just pictures you'd see on facebook. My stomach instantly turned and I questioned her about the messages. She said she loved him but was not in love with him. She said she was talking to him because she had been imagining living in a house with him, and doing all these things with him, but it was with me now and she didn't regret it. She told me they only brought each other down, and that he left her in Georgia homeless and alone to fend for herself 2 years ago. That didn't settle my mind. I had mentioned I read some of it and that i didn't see the whole message but was worried, she told me not to. She said that he was not only her boyfriend but her best friend too, and that she kept in contact with him becuase she didn't have many friends. I told sometimes you have to shut one door to open and continue another. The next day she returned to work, and I had texted her that I didn't want to move into the house if she had second thoughts. I figured she definitley had cold feet and that's why she was talkign to her ex. She said she was moving in no matter what and that her mind hasn't changed about her ex, she still loved me. I told her that I felt she was playing games with me, and that she needed to stop talking to her ex, I was not happy with it and I wasn't going to put up with it if I'm making a big commitment. She then started accusing me of not having boundries, and that I went through her purse and phone on a common basis. By this point the words she was typing, it was obvious that her boss had gotten to her and was feeding her words. I told her I had not, and that you shouldn't be so angry that I stumbled upon that text if you had nothing to hide. She then told me that she changed her mind about me moving in with her and that she wanted to live by herself int he house for a bit and just stay on a dating basis. The first thing I thought is now she wants to stay in my house for a month, use me for a place to stay. The next day I went to work and her boss was questioning me on the whole situation and that I should understand that she talks to her ex. This of course was my gf day off so I got to talk to her boss one on one. By this point I had felt she was way too involved in our relationship. She then proceeded to tell me that she thought that my gf and I should not be together. That I'm not her type. I then told her I quit, this was a great place to work but its best for me to quit for my relationship. She seemed ok with it, and that she could give my younger sister the work and that if hours were cut it wouldn't affect her so much, so it would benefit us both. A week later I now find my girlfriend talking to some friend in georgia that let her stay at his place in trade with sex when she was homless and on heorine. She felt he saved her life, he of course was in his mid thirties when she was only 17. I was already offended by that and obviously was thinking she was a whore by this point. She mentioned that she invited him to come down to visit her place, and that she wanted me sleeping over when he was sleeping over. She had mentioned that he had said that he didn't want to come down until we were broken up, becuase I would be too jealous. I was boiling inside, but I kept my cool. She then decided to go home and write a list of all of her past sexual partners, she was obviously playing games to get me going. I had figured she was trying to get me to break up with her becuase she was too pussy to do it herself. By this point our sexual activity decreased to about 2 times per week. She had told me the side affects of suboxyne are constipation and low sex drive, I had confirmed it on multiple pharmsutical websites. I then ignored her text when she was at work one day so that she had no words from her boss to fire at me. I then wrote down a list of my boundries to restate to her before I moved into this house and forward with our relationship. When she returned home I told her it was time to talk, I stated that I would no longer like her talking to past sexual partners about anything to do with sex or our relationship. I also stated that I deserve to be respected and that she needed to respect my feelings too and understand where I am coming from. I told her that maybe she should move out and take a break for a week. Or even move into the third bedroom if she had no where to stay. We talked more and worked it out and agreed that she would be more attentive to me and that we would try and make the relationship work. I agreed I could let her move into her house alone for the first few weeks so she had some recovery time to get clean and focus on herself. Throughout the week her work hours began getting longer, we spent less time together and she didn't come home till 10 one night to hang out at her bosses house of whom she just spent all day with. That sunday we were supposed to spend time together and she ended up running errands until about 3pm.By this point it was obvious she was blowing me off. WHen she returned home I told her it was best she moved out and lived at her bosses, that she didn't have time for me and that we should take a break to liven our relationship. She felt that it was too mundane and that I wasn't a priority at the time, she needed to focus on rebuilding her relationship with her boss at work and focusing on herself for recovery. By this poitn I had also noticed she removed my picture off her phone, she told me I was overthinking it. She started textign me at night that she had really missed me and that she had gotten barley any sleep. She all of the sudden had time for me now to text me during work and talk. That tuesday she had off, and had wondered if she could come over and spend the day with me. I said ok, we can go out to breakfast and spend the day together. When she got to my house her boss found out that she was spending the day with me and called her in to work at 11am. We only got 2 hours of the day together and she rushed to work. SHe was attentive and emotional just like we were at the beggining of our relationship, but I was unhappy with how little time we had gotten. It was noticable that her boss had been angry with me and took my quiting personally. It had also been noticible that my gf was telling the story from my own point of view and switching a lot of the relationship blame on me. The next day I went into the shop and asked her boss if she still wanted me to do her sons guitar practice liek we do every thursday, she said she wasn't sure and would contact me. I of course got I love you's and kisses from my girlfriend going out. Even a surprise text message of I love you that she normally never sends at work. I called her at about 6 to see if we were still on for a sleep over on thursday, she told me she was busy at work and that her and her boss were going out to do something real fast. I said ok , give me a call whenever your not busy. She gave me a call two hours, in the background I heard hes going to be pissed form her boss, I was informed that later her boss got a tounge ring and talked my gf into getting her vaginal hood peirced.I was quite upset that she didn't tell me about the peircing before she got it, I was understanding that thats her body and she could do what she wnated with it. But I was upset that she felt she couldn't tell me. She had also mentioned that her boss didn't want to do guitar lessons any more and that she didn't think i was serious about it. I told her I like your boss as a friend but I think its best we no longer do business transactions. She said she didn't want to get involved and on that note she'd text me that night and call me the next day. I got the call the next morning, her voice sounded annoyed but she told me we were still on for the sleep over on thursday, no text the night before though. And she was updating her facebook that she got a new peircing. I had really noticed that she was not takign this time to recover, but more as a time to run loose and have a vacation on our relationship. Later that day at my new job I got a text from her boss. My gf finally had told her about the oxycotin, during their bonding period. Her boss texted me that shes not doing a guitar lesson any more, that I let my gf do drugs and that I am just a liar and that I didn't respect her or her family. She also fired my sister from the groom shop, whom had no direct influence on these matters. I didn't text back and just pushed it under the rug. I then called my girlfriend and told her her boss left me a nasty message, she said that she heard, so I told her about what she said that I let her do drugs and if she honestly believed in that. SHe said it was an iffy situation and she thought I enabled her like her parents used to. She then told me not to worry about what her boss said that she wasn't swayed by what she says and she thinks no differently than me. I called bull**** and broke up with her there. I told her that she had taken advantage of me and that i didn't deserve this and that I feel like she cheated on me. After the break up I called her mom to mention I would not be moving into the house and that I would not be helping her pay bills. I notified her that my gf boss was also mentioning that she wanted to get in and rent the house, her mom was saying that would never happen. She asked if I coudl help my gf move her couches out on the terms that her boss would not be there to help her. I was a nice guy and of course agreed. When they got to my house, her boss was there just as she was not supposed to be, proving even more that she was in control of my gf. My gf kept sayign she wanted to talk, so after the move I asked her if she'd like to speak, of course in front of her boss she decided she didn't want to talk now. So I said ok and walked away. Later that night I texted her that I was sorry if I yelled at her, I was upset but I think this was the best descision. I told her she was a great girl and I still love her but she needs to figure herself out and concentrate on getting clean and gettign her life in order. That she may not have time for a relationship with someone liek me right now, and that I want too much of her time that she can't give me. She then proceeded to tell me that I wasted her time, brought her down and made her feel guilty. I told her that you can only feel guilty if you feel you did something wrong. And if I didn't really love her that wouldn't have risked my safety, and my job to help support her get clean. Since then, her mom has called me for the full story, wondering what happened to us in the time they were here up to now. She thinks its a bump in the relationship and that her daughter is making a big mistake by mistreating me and is trying to convince her to ammend her ways. All I mentioned is that a major part of the relationship not working out is that she traded all emotional effort to impress her boss over me and that she needed to get that situation with better boundries. that all future relationships won't work unles she thinks for herself. Her mom wants me to stick around until she moves out and is able to think on her own in the new house. I really don't know if I should even give that chance to do it. I feel I already broke up with her when she moved out, and this is where I am today. Any opinions, some crazy nonsense huh? The sad part is I still love her. Not sure if shes worth a second chance.
Hhhh Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 She is self distructive, you need to cut all ties and move. She will only waste your time.
SummersEve Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Mathias, I skimmed your story but really, it's too long. You'll get better responses if you keep it under one screen-length. I think that first relationship ending is especially painful because you may not be expecting the big void that's left. Even if you are relieved they're gone, when you build so much around them you are left with emptiness and it's hard until you get new ways to fill those hours and thoughts and socializing again. Of course you know the odds were greatly stacked against you, right? You meet a girl, and right off you're living together? It sounds like also she is just not your type of girl. A great experience, and also very good to have some different relationships before you settle down. I think just hang on and before long that void will be filled up again, your equilibrium will come back. Good luck.
Author Mathias Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 I apologize for it being so long, figured writing it all would also make me see it as a whole and cope for myself. Been about 3 days with no contact to her. As I also think, I feel our relationship was more sexually based being that we started off in that manner. Not sure if I should even ask to have a relationship with no ties and only sex involved. I was supposabley the best lay she had, and i'm sure she wouldn't be above that.
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