It's been a year, not completely moving on. How do you do it?

[DayAfterDay]

It has been officially for over a year now that we’re in April since she left me. From the long list of improvements in my life and well being I will say that I’m still in pain, it has just more or less become more bearable. But I can’t completely shake it.

 

I still think about her all the time, and granted that it doesn’t effect me the way it once did, I still get hurt and upset at times when it does sneak up on me. I think I have a legitimate fear that I’ll never love another person as much as her, or someone will not love me as much as she did at one time.

 

I feel as if I’m still not moving on.

 

I have dated a good handful of girls. Some very attractive and nice, and some that were very interested in me...but I just can’t get there. It’s usually good for the first few weeks and then I just think of her. I feel like I’m subconsciously holding out for her or something. I have not spoken to her in 8 months and have not physically seen her since the break up a year ago. I feel like something is very, very, very wrong with that.

 

My reasoning goes something like this:

We were so incredibly in love for a long time. Though we broke up, mostly from things we needed to sort out in our own lives and inevitable change, along with me not having my life together...we had such a strong connection that if we come across each other again(after a significant amount of time apart) we will more than likely click as friends again and then it’ll just build from there to something more. It HAS to.

It’s hard to see unhealthy and irrational reasoning when you’re thinking it, but i accept the possibility of thinking that is foolish farther down the road...trust me I’ve already done it with things I’ve said/thought in the beginning of the break up. I even include the fact of us dating other people and remaining in touch. Wishful thinking?

 

I have done everything to get over her including moving out into my own place, different job, making different friends, COMPLETE NC, dated other people, everything. Nothing works.

 

Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

[Fufu]

I guess you couldn't completely move on was you still think of the following,

 

"We were so incredibly in love for a long time"

 

This was past, the above no longer represent today.

 

"It’s hard to see unhealthy and irrational reasoning when you’re thinking it, but i accept the possibility of thinking that is foolish farther down the road...trust me I’ve already done it with things I’ve said/thought in the beginning of the break up. I even include the fact of us dating other people and remaining in touch. Wishful thinking?

 

I have done everything to get over her including moving out into my own place, different job, making different friends, COMPLETE NC, dated other people, everything. Nothing works."

 

NC works, trust me. I guess you didn't put your mind into it to do NC. It's like your shell is doing NC but your heart and mind is still thinking of her and what both of you had.

 

 

"Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?"

 

Questioning and reflecting on oneself is a good sign. You don't want to live in limbo for the rest of your life.

 

First of all, congratulate yourself, be proud of yourself you had been doing NC for a year, it's a major achievement. Now sit back and think the GOOD and WONDERFUL moments you had done during the past year, anything to do with you yourself only. (Nothing to do with her)

 

Why would you want to walk backward, when the LIGHT from the tunnel is getting so much nearer to you now.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Mcnulty]

No, this isn't going to be for the rest of your life...no.

 

How long is a piece of string? Every single person has a different genetic make up, everyone deals with life differently and at different speeds...everyone heals at different speeds. There is no set time for getting over someone.

 

It's been 23 months for me, I think maybe I will never find someone who I feel so strongly about again either...it makes me a little sad, but then I think, hey, i might, i have hope. Also I'm thankful i felt that emotion of being in love with someone...some people will never get near to feeling how I felt about her.

 

Haven't saw her for 3 months, NC for 14 months. I hurt still, but it's eased over time and I have gained acceptance, that she was once here with me, but has now gone.

 

Time is your ally, believe me when I say that. Don't be so hard on yourself and embrace your feelings, they will fade and not hurt as much, but only in time.

 

Wishing you luck.

[Graceful]

I have done everything to get over her including moving out into my own place, different job, making different friends, COMPLETE NC, dated other people, everything. Nothing works.

 

Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

 

Uh, no you haven't.

 

You're looking through the rear view mirror, so how can you see what's in front of you? You ask what you have to look forward to, when you're not looking forward, you're looking backwards.

 

You're living in the past. The relationship ended, and you're still in mourning for what never was, and what never will be. You need to move into an acceptance of what happened, and you haven't.

 

You can move, you can get a new job, you can date, you can get new friends, and that doesn't mean even one change has taken place in your mind, and that's what you seem to be doing. Just going through the motions. You can't just go through the motions, that doesn't mean anything without hope, effort, and a true belief that life is waiting for you.

 

I don't know any details of your breakup, but I do know that someone dumped you and has not tried to get back together with you, so you need to just let go and stop wishing for something that ended a year ago. Unless you believe that one door closes so another can open (a much more suitable one for you), you're going to stay behind a closed door and get no where. Why are you torturing yourself? That's on you, she's left you alone. You're afraid of going forward for some reason. Face the fear of letting go, rip off the bandaid, get the monkey off your back, and you will feel a lot better, believe me. You're wallowing in misery of your own making at this point. Hope you can see that the mind games you're playing are not helping you. Take care.

[DayAfterDay]

I know a lot of you do not know the details of my break up....and perhaps i should have stated some of them, though I guess what I still should do shouldn't change.

 

i think one of the reasons for me being in limbo about this was that she was so wishy-washy about it for such a long time (which was ultimately why I went strict NC). After the break up she immediately wanted to be friends and we talked a lot which hurt then I cut her off, then she came BACK...told me that she can only picture me in her future that she never gave us a fighting chance and that she'll never forgive herself if she doesn't give it a chance, but out of fairness to me she said that it would have to start from JUST friends...whenever I was ready...however long it may take. The last time I spoke with her was last October and I said that I'm not moving on and I need to cut her out of my life in order to do so.

 

...so said that she has a "strong feeling" that we'll be able to be in each other's lives again someday, and that she loves me and that I'm a "very dear person to her".

 

 

THATS why I'm feeling like this. Perhaps that was extremely selfish of her to say all of that. But she was my best friend for three years. I just thought I should clarify that.

[DayAfterDay]

The weird thing is...I WANT to be friends with her.

 

But it's just so hard to move past all of the emotions of what we had. From the beginning of the break up she said that she wasn't trying to get rid of me or hates me or anything, she just felt like nothing was changing and needed to figure her life out.

[DayAfterDay]

The weird thing is...I WANT to be friends with her. (of course) but I could see us being friends and it not tearing me up inside in the future. She was a huge part of my life for a very long time.

 

But it's just so hard to move past all of the emotions of what we had. From the beginning of the break up she said that she wasn't trying to get rid of me or hates me or anything, she just felt like nothing was changing and needed to figure her life out.

[Graceful]

Thanks for the clarification, but you are right, it does not change what you should be and need to be doing. You're reading into words that are not there, and you're only "hearing" what you want to hear. And that's the distortion in your mind so you won't feel hurt. But you're hurt, she hurt you, so confront that, and stop hanging on to meaningless words.

 

Look, it might have been hard for her, who says it's not hard for the dumper, too? But bottom line: she let you down easy, so see through the words for what they are. Just words. You're not a bad guy, obviously, and you may have had a good relationship, but bottom line and ONLY LINE: she's not feelin' it.

 

That's the thing to pay attention to: she does not feel the same way about you as she once did. She's friend zoned you. Kiss of death if ever there was one. Wants to go "backwards" with you --- to "friends" --- mmmmmm. Who does that?

 

She's not your best friend. Friends don't dump you one minute, want you the next. Friends don't give you conditions for friendships (do this my way, or forget it); friends don't treat you in a way that you don't know whether you're coming or going. Get your definition of a friend straight, and you will see that she is no longer an "active" friend. Just admit that, and that will be the first step.

 

And any woman that tells a man he is "a dear person" -- well, that's more like what your grandmother would tell you. That's not a girl flirting with a guy she wants. You probably are "dear" to her, but is that what you want? Nope. You want a lot more, so don't make yourself a theoretical doormat, it's not good for your ego and it's not going to help you move on. She broke up with you, she does not feel the same about you as you do about her. End of story. That's not friendship material.

 

So everything I said in my previous posts stands and IMHO, that's what you need to do. Throw this one back in the water, and stop living in the past. Friends don't keep you in limbo. That's not what friends do.

 

I know a lot of you do not know the details of my break up....and perhaps i should have stated some of them, though I guess what I still should do shouldn't change.

 

i think one of the reasons for me being in limbo about this was that she was so wishy-washy about it for such a long time (which was ultimately why I went strict NC). After the break up she immediately wanted to be friends and we talked a lot which hurt then I cut her off, then she came BACK...told me that she can only picture me in her future that she never gave us a fighting chance and that she'll never forgive herself if she doesn't give it a chance, but out of fairness to me she said that it would have to start from JUST friends...whenever I was ready...however long it may take. The last time I spoke with her was last October and I said that I'm not moving on and I need to cut her out of my life in order to do so.

 

...so said that she has a "strong feeling" that we'll be able to be in each other's lives again someday, and that she loves me and that I'm a "very dear person to her".

 

 

THATS why I'm feeling like this. Perhaps that was extremely selfish of her to say all of that. But she was my best friend for three years. I just thought I should clarify that.

[Denillad]

I've been on this forum a few months now. Two years n 4 months since the break up. I search for posts to help me with my slow n painful healing day after day. I know exactly how u feel. My ex told me some of the same things yours did though in different words. He has been in a relationship since a month after our breakup after a 5 year relationship. He told me so much, I don't even care to mention them anymore cause the were just words and he never gave it that fighting chance but I was so emotionally weak that I allowed him to tell me these things n continue sleeping with him while he was involved with another and I carried hopes of a reconciliation. I was suicidal, i couldn't eat nor sleep n lost my way in life to this. I allowed it and now after two months of nc I knew there was no other option cause I'm the one in pain, I could now see he really didn't care and this destroyed me. He blames me for every thing even after all the effort I had made. I no longer yearn to be see or speak to him but I face the same dilemma ur facing. I havent seen him in about a year and it's 2 mnths of nc but my mind still hasnt let go n I'm worried it wont too. I too think of him everyday, not being with him but about the things that happened post break up and his current life. I can't get a break, at work, driving, u name it. I'm worried I'll be stuck forever. I haven't been able to break away from the thoughts of him. The replies so far are positive but it's been easier said than done cause I've told myself those things but all I can do is keep trying cause it really sucks just existing, I feel like I'm not really living n this pain is weighing on my heart. I am healing slowing but I'm fearful that he will remain so strong in my heart n mind that its sometimes unbearable to see how ive allowed this person to affect my life in such a negative way. I didnt even see it happening and now somewhat regretting I didn't try so hard after he stopped trying. It's just time to let go we can't spend another precious moment wasted on people who don't deserve it.

I know how those words made u hold on even tighter. They used us to get over the pain. I hope we will love stronger again and truly find indifference. I don't want know what any ofthis meant to him anymore I just want to over him and truly let go.

Edited April 3, 2011 by Denillad

[mogul]

I feel exactly the same way. I live my life to the fullest. I have a good social circle, always busy and out, dating and constant flings. However, all that is on my mind is my ex. I love her and its been so long since we last had contact.

 

I feel like I'll never get over her. In my opinion, we were the perfect match. Everything just fit.

[Movingthrough]

She's not your best friend. Friends don't dump you one minute, want you the next.

 

Some great posts by Graceful here, re-read them a couple of times OP.

 

When i was reading your post i felt like i was reading something i would have posted. I can see a few things in here as a guy myself that is unique for us and i have done the same thing. We tend to stay onto the breakup a lot longer when we think it was "hard" for the dumper. In my breakup she actually did get feelings for me again and told me while she was dating someone else, but i was far away and her shiny new toy was right in front of her, i knew she wouldn't give that up. BUT like you are saying, it made me feel like there was a chance, and when us guys think there is still a chance, we chase.

 

Heres the thing though (same with you) was there actually a chance with yours to be friends or mine to get back together? Well...maybe, but it didn't happen....so no there wasn't. We forget how simple all of this is when we are hurt but if you were supposed to be together then......you would be together. The tipping point for me where i really turned a leaf (and it WILL happen to you trust me) was one day i was sitting at a buddies house just hanging out. I was sitting there and i was thinking of my ex and it hit me. I thought, "Is this what i want? Is this how i want to feel when it comes to someone?" NO, lets be honest OP, you are not supposed to feel like this in a relationship.

 

I actually asked myself that question and thought you know i really don't like feeling like this, its not what i want.

 

Like one of the other posters said, you need to stop looking back, you have to train your brain to look forward when it comes to this, little by little when you combat your thoughts, it will get better. I work off of a "disease" theory where i look at it like this person has spread to every part of my brain, being happy, moving on etc, so the only way to fight that is to cut it all out. In other words, stop making your ex such a big deal, when they pop in your head just go "Ehhh who cares". It may not do much at first but keep doing it and watch what happens, you wont care as much. So instead of looking at it in just a "We could be friends." or "There was so much love", cut it ALL out by making your ex not a big deal in general, because when those thoughts pop in, the ex is already nothing so the thoughts wont mean anything.

 

Look forward and fight this, don't let it win, you have a great post and you can tell you are very mature, but you also sound kind of beat. Read up on NLP and "re-framing" also.

 

Remember, there is no this or that in life, its all our perception of how we look at it. Thats why if i saw your ex it wouldn't mean anything to me, but if you did it would hurt, even though she is doing nothing special, which proves how we feel and look at life is all in our heads, which in turn means you can control it.

 

Break the pattern!

Edited April 3, 2011 by Movingthrough