Charlemagne Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Hi Guys, Please share some thoughts with me. I'm with a girl, almost a year. She is enthusiastic and pretty funny but she is not attracting me intelectually. She is very beautiful but I can't talk with her about some deeper issues. She seems to be worried only about the present. No deeper thoghts about the future. I'm a man who is very curious of the world and intellect is very important for me. She is so sexy, but sometimes I'm not excited because I do not appreciate her. I think that there is only a beauty.. How do you guys think it could work out? I don't want to end this relationship becuase she is funny, pretty and frank, but unfortunately is lacking some trait that I admire very much in a girl. Please help
SummersEve Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) Unfortunately, it means you are incompatible for the long run. Intelligence match is extremely important. Her beauty will fade over time and you will be left with a plain old stupid wife. It will be like being married to a ten year old, very limited in how deeply you'll be able to connect. A year is long enough for fun only, now it's getting into serious time and hope, and not fair to her either. A wife is not a possession like a showy car or house. That can be fun, hot, and an ego boost for a while, or to a simple man, but never at the expense of the real stuff. She needs someone who can appreciate her as more than a bauble and you need a woman you can have a decent conversation with. Otherwise over time most likely you will boss her and feel exasperated and lonely. She will kind of fear you and feel bad about herself and also be lonely. I have seen it and I think such a relationship tends to turn ugly. Just my opinion. Edited April 2, 2011 by SummersEve
Author Charlemagne Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Thank you for your answer SummersEve. Situation is complicated, because I know she loves me, and this relationship is very important to her.. It would be very hard for me to end this relationship. She is frank, lovely, extremely beautiful and genuinely interested in me. But.. sometimes she is just a burden. Funny right? Girl with amazing beauty wants to touch me 24/7 and I don't like it. Why? Because sometimes talking gets me more excited than touching.. I don't know how to solve it.. She is not a stupid person, but maybe just a quarter as ambitious as I'm..
Ross PK Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I don't think any girl that you could be with would be able to tick every single box. Your relationship doesn't seem like it's worth throwing away just because she's a bit less intelligent than you.
fail Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Don't make a list of pros and cons about your relationship, but consider if what is lacking is enough for you to walk away. Or, is it trivial enough that you see a long life together. If it's just intellectual conversation that's lacking, you should be able to fill that void with friends. If you still have the rest of the connections that make for a successful relationship it seems like you wouldn't want to ruin a good thing.
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Unfortunately, it means you are incompatible for the long run. Intelligence match is extremely important... Intelligence, and Intellect, are two different things, and you are confusing them. Intellect is the ability to learn and reason; the capacity for knowledge and understanding; an ability to think abstractly or profoundly. An ability to utilise knowledge and experience to engineer a condition or issue to personal advantage. Intelligence is the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations. Intellect uses intelligence. Intelligence does not necessarily mean one is also intellectual. I think what the OP is actually trying to communicate, is that his GF has a more shallow outlook on things than he does. He feels that being able to expand one's thought processes to cover all eventualities is a more favourable and desirable trait. However, what he is failing to consider is that his GF has survived perfectly well on her own level of thought, up to now. What he's actually trying to say, is that he thinks she's dumber than he is. In which case, he is either very mis-matched, or will have to accept that not everyone is as bright as the penny he obviously is, and will have to decide whether she's acceptable as she is (and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why she should strive to change. neither, I know, has the OP suggested she should....) or whether he should seek a more stimulating companion, and terminate the relationship. There is - unfortunately, in this case - no middle ground that I can see.....
shunter Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 LEAVE HER Not because she is not so intellectual like you and because you two cannot communicate deeper thoughts but simply because you are not the one for you. You can decide whether to "settle" for this girl or you can move on and try and find the girl you will always desire and love. I think your reasoning is misdirected -- this is something that bothers you but is not the real and singular reason you are bringing this up. You are looking for reasons to leave her and to be able to justify it. You do not really "want" her. If you stay with her you are settling.
Author Charlemagne Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 For some of you it might look shallow. But one more time, I'm not thinking that she is stupid or something like that. I had a conversation with her. SHE TOLD ME that she really is not that creative and on a lot of topics she doesn't have much knowledge at all. She is aware of that. And I'm not thinking that I'm smarter. I'm ambitious and curious. She isn't. Everything else matches perfectly, but sometimes I feel this need to talk with her but I simply cant. We spend a lot of time together so this factor is very important because we have a lot of opportunities to talk..
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Does she bore you? Maybe you bore her. maybe you intimidate her. Does she believe she isn't good enough for you? Does she wish to improve or 'better' herself, or is she content to stay as she is? Was she happy as herself until she met you? Does she only now realise there is an intellectual mismatch, or has she felt this with others?
johan Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Intellectual and personality compatibility are the main course. Beauty is the dessert.
orangelady Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Thank you for your answer SummersEve. It would be very hard for me to end this relationship. She is frank, lovely, extremely beautiful and genuinely interested in me. But.. sometimes she is just a burden. In all your posts you keep mentioning that she is so beautiful and sexy and this seems to be the no.1 reason you are dating and keeping her. So why don't you just keep at it if its so important to you? Seems like you two deserve each other in that sense.
Kelemort Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 It's possible that you intimidate her, so she pretends to know less than she actually does so it never has to come up in conversation. I'll do similar things when I'm with others - it's just easier to avoid a discussion than to face possible embarrassment or an argument if we disagree.
denise_xo Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 I'm ambitious and curious. She isn't. For me this would be a deal breaker. I need those kind of 'intellectual'/exploratory conversations to be part of a relationship. I don't think you're shallow for questioning long term potential on those grounds. Whether it can work out or not is up to you, really, in terms of how important you think those things are relative to other relationship dynamics.
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Following on from denise's post, my questions in post #9 are quite serious and sincere......
pandagirl Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 If this is how your truly feel about your girlfriend, it seems like an compatibility issue. Connecting with someone intellectually is extremely important to me. That doesn't mean that someone just has to be smart, it means we see the world in the same way, they're curious, bright, we have a similar sense of humor, we stimulate and inspire each other. If this is an important aspect of a relationship for you, that's fair enough. It doesn't mean that she *isn't* smart or interesting, but you just don't connect with her in that way with your specific preferences and wants/needs. And if she bores you... well, that isn't very promising for the future.
chucksagent Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I don't think any girl that you could be with would be able to tick every single box.QUOTE] Couldn't have said it better myself...Bottom line NOBODY is going to be perfect OR have EVERY attribute you want. In baseball batting .300 (30%) will get you into the hall of fame. A co-worker of mine says relationships are the same way. He said youre lucky at 30%, 50% you have found a kepper, and 70-80% you should marry immediately. I've dated BRILLIANT girls and they always seem to be the most cut-throat and lack empathy...I can have philosophical discussions with my friends, when it comes to my wife/mother of my kids I want someone who respects herself, is caring, loving, understanding, loyal, hard-working, dependable, reliable, supportive, etc. Intelligence quickly finds itself low on the list...LOL. If you asked me my list when I was a younger man - it would have been the traditional and idealist - 1.) Smart 2.) Funny 3.) Beautiful You say it in that order to sound "non-shallow." But trust me when you date long enough you start to realize while those 3 things are nice, the day to day atrritubtes QUICKLY gain speed...lol. Luckily my girl is all those things I mentioned above...but trust me, I always tell people I got someone with 90% of what I wanted...soooooo much more than any girl I've ever dated before. I guess my point is perhaps try and look at the broader/life long list of boxes rather than just smart, funny, beautiful...ya know?
Lauriebell82 Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I had a conversation with her. SHE TOLD ME that she really is not that creative and on a lot of topics she doesn't have much knowledge at all. She is aware of that. Well, can you teach her some of these things she lacks knowledge on? My husband and I are both smart, he is more intellectual then I am though. So he has discussed certain subjects that I lack knowledge in, he has not made me feel bad at all about it, he is just interested in discussing these topics. I have educated him on things he lacks knowledge in as well (like psychology and addiction). So would your girlfriend be open to this? If you care for her and want to be with her just beyond the "she's so pretty" idea, then it won't seem like a chore, it will be something you enjoy doing.
Els Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 If you truly feel no attraction for her, it is probably best to leave. I really think you should seriously think about what you need out of a relationship, though. You say she's 'very beautiful'... and I cannot help but think that that wasn't by accident. You might have sought her out for her beauty. Now, here's a revelation: 'Very beautiful' and 'highly intellectual' women do not often come in the same package. To be very honest, I've seen maybe a handful in my lifetime. It is NOT to do with the old myth of dumb blondes, but merely statistics. If 5% of women are 'very beautiful' and 5% 'highly intellectual, chances are only 0.25% will have both. Which seems about right, IME. Were you Brad Pitt, you might be able to pick and choose those. Otherwise, except for being very lucky, I would think you might need to revise your requirements.
chucksagent Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Elswyth is 100% right...Listen, if we aren't honest on these message boards we are defeating the point and wasting our time. Very beautiful people are RARELY very intelligent. That's a fact. IT DOES HAPPEN - SO DON'T COUNTER ARGUE WITH "BLAH BLAH I KNOW THIS AND THAT BLAH BLAH." I mean, c'mon people - have you seen the Supreme Court??? Lol. Harvard and University of Michigan have done studies and they attribute it to even as a young kid you are treated better if you are good looking. This even works with animals. Why is dog fighting an abomination but cock fighting is laughed and joked about? Seriously thing folks. Dogs are cute and cuddly and chickens aren't. The studies revealed parents find it easier to discipline an ugly to average looking child than a beautiful child. The child uses the "cuteness" to get out of trouble. This carries from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. It ain't a coincidence, I will tell you that much. So pick your poison - do you want beautiful or brilliant? Take my advice - make sure they are a good person with a good heart first and foremost...oh, and make sure they have good friends, good family, and their own life...THEN choose beauty or brilliant...lol
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