SummersEve Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) One more idea, since it's the ones who don't know you who are the problem and since you say you liked not having to worry when you were "taken"-- At one place where I worked when I was single, there were problems just because of the kind of place it was- I started wearing a fake wedding ring. I was very surprised with how much more respectfully I was treated. Just an idea... Edited April 2, 2011 by SummersEve
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Someone want to enlighten me? Because I just went through this and I crashed and burned . "Real" flirting versus "fake" flirting" - WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? Obviously don't use me as an example of how a girl will act if she's interested in you. If you look back on one of my comments from last night I said how I behave when I do have feelings for someone, and it's not flirty in the least. I get too self-conscious if I like someone to flirt with them..weird I know. But, just look at how they act towards everyone. If she's always smiling at everyone she sees and not just you, don't take it as a sign that she's interested. If she doesn't always do that, and if she lights up when you come around, then she is. If they flirt with everyone they see - like I do - then it's not because they're into you. Look for if they treat you differently than they do others, because that's the number one sign for any person. Like with him, I would always ask how he was doing, and would encourage him to tell me what was going on if something was bothering him, not just keep things light and fun; he would say that I was the one person he could really talk to about things, which is what I was going for. I'd see him across the room, and just make eye contact and smile for a bit (which I don't do with anyone else). Also, if I'd walk by him, especially from the back, I'd gently touch his arm or back (which I still do), and look back at him..which one again, I don't do with others at all. There were so many different things that I did to make him know that I was very interested and had strong feelings for him, but I wont list them all... That's all you really need to look for with anyone - signs that how they behave around you isn't how they behave around everyone else that they are obviously just friends with. If it's someone in class, see how they act to their friends or teacher that they talk to. If it's at work, even easier, since you can see how they behave to other coworkers. Or if it's out and about, see if they talk to others, or if it's just you that they're talking to.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 One more idea, since it's the ones who don't know you who are the problem and since you say you liked not having to worry when you were "taken"-- At one place where I worked when I was single, there were problems just because of the kind of place it was- I started wearing a fake wedding ring. I was very surprised with how much more respectfully I was treated. Just an idea... Love it! Great idea, thanks! I might just do that. Even if it's not a wedding band, I could always use one of my rings to look like a promise ring (I have a blue heart right that fits the finger).
Hules Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) Lil sorry if my other post was a bit harsh but I'm telling you most guys cannot tell the difference between friendly flirting and real flirting and they will see it as you leading them on, its just the way the male brain is wired. I too work in an environment where everyone has to smile and be cheery all the time. I've had plenty of female co-workers flirt with me and its obvious they are only doing it for fun. I will entertain it to a point, but if they make it part of their routine behavior with me I usually jokingly say "Hey xxxx, if you want a date that bad just ask me for one already.". Which is my polite way of saying "Back the hell off you are not respecting my personal space.". 90% of them will take the hint and tone the hell right down and will be professional and actually just friendly without the flirting. The other 10% I refuse to associate with them because honestly if a girl is constantly flirting with you, with no interest in you other than "friends" gets really old, REALLY fast. Most guys are dense as hell when it comes to this, I've been victim to it myself and its really not cool. As others have been saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" either tone it down or don't complain when guys hit on you. Also yeah I know it sucks working in an environment like this after a breakup. Whats even worse is trying to get my **** done while remaining composed. With a bunch of flirtatious women who I know have no interest in me, is profoundly annoying, especially at a time when I really don't want to have much to do with the opposite sex as I'm trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. Most guys go through breakups without a support network. It's why I think sites like this are invaluable, its very rare to have places where both sexes can express how they interpret different actions. Just trying to give you a male perspective, didn't mean to rain on your parade Edited April 2, 2011 by Hules
Knittress Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I realize I can't change the world to match my viewpoint - but this issue bugs me! Flirting is acting in a way to show sexual interest - the entire world does NOT flirt with each other. The entire world (well, ideally) is friendly and interested in others. There's a difference! I think it doesn't speak well for most folks that they can't imagine anyone being friendly without a sexual agenda. My opinion. I've always had a bit of the same problem, being: a) very playful b) pretty damn shy For too long I've let my anxiety over other people's feelings and being hit on influence my personality negatively. It's lame! I sit in my apartment reading LS instead of mingling with others because I don't want to have to deal with the stress of male interest and I'm tired of playing Ice Queen. If I like you (which is most folks), I will banter. If I LIKE-like you, I will probably run for the hills.
tincanman99 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 This is WAY, WAY too subtle for most men. Most men will never pick up that you are treating them different than everyone else if you are flirting with everyone. Most will not realize that you do it with everyone either.
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 This is WAY, WAY too subtle for most men. Most men will never pick up that you are treating them different than everyone else if you are flirting with everyone. Most will not realize that you do it with everyone either. Or if they realize she does it with everyone they will immediately assume she is easy and gets passed around.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Let them work it out for themselves. If someone asks you for something you don't want to give, don't give it. If they feel unhappy flirting with someone and not going further, they can make their own decisions. Funnily enough, my ex is a big flirt, and so am I. Me flirting drove her crazy, but that was her problem, not mine. I never hid that aspect of my personality and I never felt any bad feelings about her flirting. It's a shame she doesn't see the irony, but that's her problem. As for men who think flirting means there is some obligation to go further, I ask them at what point do any of us have the right to change our minds, not go further, say no?
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Let them work it out for themselves. If someone asks you for something you don't want to give, don't give it. If they feel unhappy flirting with someone and not going further, they can make their own decisions. Funnily enough, my ex is a big flirt, and so am I. Me flirting drove her crazy, but that was her problem, not mine. I never hid that aspect of my personality and I never felt any bad feelings about her flirting. It's a shame she doesn't see the irony, but that's her problem. As for men who think flirting means there is some obligation to go further, I ask them at what point do any of us have the right to change our minds, not go further, say no? I sense an over bloated sense of entitlement here. Someone needs to slap you with a reality check.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I sense an over bloated sense of entitlement here. Someone needs to slap you with a reality check. I don't understand this at all.
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I don't understand this at all. I didn't think you would. You live in your own fantasy world where u really think that leading people on, even while in a relationship, is perfectly fine. You take no blame for people's frustrations for your actions. You said it yourself. It's ok.. you don't have to listen to me. I'm sure you'll get hit with a reality check one day.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I didn't think you would. You live in your own fantasy world where u really think that leading people on, even while in a relationship, is perfectly fine. You take no blame for people's frustrations for your actions. You said it yourself. It's ok.. you don't have to listen to me. I'm sure you'll get hit with a reality check one day. Slap me up and hit me, eh? You sound quite violent.
Hules Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think what mo mo is trying to say is you lack empathy. Most people do in this day and age. Which honestly is a real shame, world would be a better place if people could take responsibility for their own actions. Realise other people are not play things and have mutual respect for each other.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think mo is saying exactly what he wants to say.
Thedude22 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 But, how do I let him and other guys who I know are interested and like me, know that I just wont date them and only want their friendship, nothing more? Blah..this is seriously my absolute least favorite part of being single. If you're a good looking gal, every guy you know if going to be interested in you. We have a hard time controlling our sexual urges even if it somebody we have been friends with for years. I have a really hot female friend and everything between me and her has been strictly platonic. Hasn't been an issue. If a girl ever said "I value your friendship too much to date you." though if I was interested, I'd prefer her to just jab me in the throat with a tire iron honestly. Be firm, tell them you arn't interested in them sexually.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 When women have said to me "I'm not interested in you in that way" I find that very kind of them to be clear and honest. Behaviour, thoughts and feelings then adjust accordingly. So long as everyone respects everyone else, each other's ways and feelings, all is good. Being tactile is not something to be ashamed of.
fishtaco Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I'm siding with betterdeal. It is our own individual responsibility not to be fooled. It's not that hard. I was fooled a few times in my early days, then I learned. When women flirt with you, the first thought that pops into your head should NEVER be "wow she likes me". It should be "I wonder what she wants". Train yourself to do this, and you're already half way there.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) It's not even that. She does like you. Where that will lead is a different thing. They like you enough to be friendly. It might become something more intimate. It might not. Just enjoy the sensation and don't get all desperate or Talebanny about it and it just works. Or you can get angry and hope that someone beats your version of reality into them / or decide it means they want to have your babies and anything they say from now that doesn't concur with that means they're evil incarnate. Up to you. Edited April 2, 2011 by betterdeal
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 It's not even that. She does like you. Where that will lead is a different thing. They like you enough to be friendly. It might become something more intimate. It might not. Just enjoy the sensation and don't get all desperate or Talebanny about it and it just works. Or you can get angry and hope that someone beats your version of reality into them / or decide it means they want to have your babies and anything they say from now that doesn't concur with that means they're evil incarnate. Up to you. you are so simple minded. I shouldn't even waste my time with you FYI I never said I was gonna beat reality into you. I said someone will slap you with a reality check. I can guarantee that. That's just a way of saying one day you will be more realistic about other people's perceptions.. violence has nothing to do with it. You can still be nice to people and not flirt with them.
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I'm siding with betterdeal. It is our own individual responsibility not to be fooled. It's not that hard. I was fooled a few times in my early days, then I learned. When women flirt with you, the first thought that pops into your head should NEVER be "wow she likes me". It should be "I wonder what she wants". Train yourself to do this, and you're already half way there. Nah I still disagree. You should never really have to ask yourself those questions. If you are flirting with someone and you really don't want it to go anywhere then you are just being insensitive. Some people might realize that it's just being playful, but a lot of people will take it seriously. Why even take that risk? Is it even necessary? Think about it.. is it really necessary?
CloudLiver Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You could just, you know, tell them. This isn't complicated.
betterdeal Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 you are so simple minded. This perception of me you have annoys you? I shouldn't even waste my time with you You actions and words don't match. FYI I never said I was gonna beat reality into you. I never said you did. I said someone will slap you with a reality check. I can guarantee that. .... violence has nothing to do with it. Then why the violent terminology? That's just a way of saying one day you will be more realistic about other people's perceptions.. You base this insight on one post on a message forum. You can still be nice to people and not flirt with them. I know, and I am, thanks.
CloudLiver Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Ignore the trolls, Betterdeal. One day they'll eventually go away.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Lil sorry if my other post was a bit harsh but I'm telling you most guys cannot tell the difference between friendly flirting and real flirting and they will see it as you leading them on, its just the way the male brain is wired. I too work in an environment where everyone has to smile and be cheery all the time. I've had plenty of female co-workers flirt with me and its obvious they are only doing it for fun. I will entertain it to a point, but if they make it part of their routine behavior with me I usually jokingly say "Hey xxxx, if you want a date that bad just ask me for one already.". Which is my polite way of saying "Back the hell off you are not respecting my personal space.". 90% of them will take the hint and tone the hell right down and will be professional and actually just friendly without the flirting. The other 10% I refuse to associate with them because honestly if a girl is constantly flirting with you, with no interest in you other than "friends" gets really old, REALLY fast. Most guys are dense as hell when it comes to this, I've been victim to it myself and its really not cool. As others have been saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" either tone it down or don't complain when guys hit on you. Also yeah I know it sucks working in an environment like this after a breakup. Whats even worse is trying to get my **** done while remaining composed. With a bunch of flirtatious women who I know have no interest in me, is profoundly annoying, especially at a time when I really don't want to have much to do with the opposite sex as I'm trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. Most guys go through breakups without a support network. It's why I think sites like this are invaluable, its very rare to have places where both sexes can express how they interpret different actions. Just trying to give you a male perspective, didn't mean to rain on your parade I gotcha, and thank you for the male perspective, it's appreciated. To me though, it's hard to consider that any of my male coworkers would feel that way about it. There are a select few though who I know can't handle the flirting, and get annoyed if anyone does it to them without intention of taking it anywhere, and with them I don't do it at all..I rarely even talk to them. But I will keep what you and others have said in mind, next time that a guy who I meet chats me up or works with me. Only once was I led on by somebody, and it stung like crazy when I found out that he was just having fun. He flirted with me, even after he knew I had feelings for him, and never once let me know he had a girlfriend, and never apologized or anything. I'll keep how I felt when I found out he was taken in mind next time that I decide to talk and flirt with someone who seems more interested in me than I am in them. And yea, I never knew this kind of site even existed a couple months ago, before I found out about it from an article. I've come to really like and enjoy all the different perspectives people have about different issues. Even those who are less than helpful.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Or if they realize she does it with everyone they will immediately assume she is easy and gets passed around. If they assume that, then wow. I'm definitely not easy and I don't just get passed around. Most of my friends and people who know me, know that, and even joke around about how innocent and sweet I am and come across as. People just take and know me as a hyper and happy 20 year old college chick who loves to joke around, but who wouldn't get into bed with anyone who meant anything less than everything to me. I've yet to meet someone who has classified me as "easy" to anyone else. If they have, then they have yet to say it to me or anyone who knows me.
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