Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 One of the best parts of this past year was not having to worry about guy friends thinking that I liked them any more than just that..as friends. Just being able to whip out the "I have a boyfriend" line was enough to make them see that I wasn't interested at all, and it made it to where I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Now that I'm single again, I'm realizing once more how much I hate letting guys know I'm really just not interested in them. I'm a natural flirt, and I love to talk and joke around with anyone who'll talk to me and who has a great sense of humor. If you'll humor me, I'll talk and flirt with you, and try my hardest to make you laugh or crack a smile at least, no matter who you are. But, guys so often think that this is me showing interest in them, when in actuality it's me, just being me. I used to give guys the cold shoulder until they cool off a bit and realize that I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, but I'm tired of having to do that, and not being able to have fun with the people that I want to have fun with. Take for instance this new dude at work that I really only met tonight. I decided last night that my ex was the first and last guy I'll date who's a coworker, no matter how cute the guy is or how great our chemistry is (wouldn't ya know, a complete hottie came in right after that to put his application in, and we had a great time talking for a few minutes..). Now, this new dude (not the hottie) and I have pretty much the same sense of humor, and I enjoyed joking around and talking to him all night. But he kept making comments that made it obvious that he was interested in me, and that he probably didn't know about my ex and I. I really really hate having to act like someone I'm not by toning down how I behave to guys (especially those who entertain me by joining in), but I also hate to think that I'm leading him on by continuing to just be myself. I don't want to just start talking to him about other guys or just flat out saying I'm not interested, especially since if I'm wrong, then I'll look like a fool. Don't get me wrong though, since I know that if him and I met outside of work I'd probably definitely go for him, since he is cute and everything, but I'm not putting myself through what I'm going through with my ex, ever again. They'd have to be really, really special. But, how do I let him and other guys who I know are interested and like me, know that I just wont date them and only want their friendship, nothing more? Blah..this is seriously my absolute least favorite part of being single.
zengirl Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 If a male friend is interested in me and I'm not interested, I attempt to pull back before they act on it/adjust my behavior so not to make them uncomfortable. However, a few times, I've failed and they've asked me out, and I've just said, "I'm not interested in anything romantic with you and wouldn't be." Sometimes that pisses them off, but I figure it's ultimately nicer than leading them on. If they're true friends, it won't be a problem in the long run. If they're just hanging around you cause they want more, hopefully they'll go away (for their own sakes!). However, I don't think you should be flirty and playful towards someone you know likes you in a way you don't reciprocate. Seems needlessly cruel.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 If a male friend is interested in me and I'm not interested, I attempt to pull back before they act on it/adjust my behavior so not to make them uncomfortable. However, a few times, I've failed and they've asked me out, and I've just said, "I'm not interested in anything romantic with you and wouldn't be." Sometimes that pisses them off, but I figure it's ultimately nicer than leading them on. If they're true friends, it won't be a problem in the long run. If they're just hanging around you cause they want more, hopefully they'll go away (for their own sakes!). However, I don't think you should be flirty and playful towards someone you know likes you in a way you don't reciprocate. Seems needlessly cruel. That's typically what I would do in the past. Sometimes, I'd even just ignore them if they start getting overly flirty. And like I said, it just is something that comes naturally to me. It doesn't matter who you are (even chicks, who I have zero interest in), I'll act flirty to you. Not like full out flirt, but ya know..touch the arm every now and then, smile and laugh at what they say if it's funny, wink, tell you that you look really nice today (mainly to my girl friends, especially when I see that they are having a bad day and I want them to know they're appreciated), etc. I never though try to make them think I'm interested with what I say to them or how I say it. It's just part of how I talk to people, and who I've been for the past couple of years. But how should I act towards someone who I know likes me? Just start acting cold, and no longer joke (even if I want to) with them? The way I see it is that if they can't see that I like that towards everyone and it's not just them in particular, then it's more of their fault than mine. Or am I wrong for thinking that?
D-Lish Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I'm a natural flirt, and I love to talk and joke around with anyone who'll talk to me and who has a great sense of humor. If you'll humor me, I'll talk and flirt with you Has it occured to you that you're creating the very situations that you're complaining about? It shouldn't be rocket science- flirting is seen as a green light by most men. Your post is a little silly- because the solution is so obvious. If you don't want that kind of intention, don't invite it- "problem" solved.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) @Lil The reason these guys think that your being flirty and funny means you are interested ...is because women who are interested act flirty and funny. The thing is there is no way to hint that you are not interested when your behavior hints that you are interested. The simplest thing to do IMHO is to let them ask you out then tell the simple truth. Your not looking to date them but you really truly value them as a friend. If he is a true friend this will not be a problem and he will still want to be friends just as before. If not and he was just being nice in hopes of having sex with you he will move on. If you are a true friend you will be honest and up front about how you are feeling. You also will not be one of those women who will take advantage of a male friends good will. One more thing: Try not to see these men being interested in you as being something nefarious. I know you will feel what you feel but look at it this from their perspective. 1.)Your a woman they have been able to really get to know without the walls that people put up when dating. 2.)Your a woman who they feel is of good character because of reason number one. Try to take it as a compliment... the truth is most women (men) end up revealing some serious character flaw(s) which rule them out as dating material to their friends. 3.)Consider that you have gotten to know them in the same way. I'm curious about somethings. Are all of your male friends men you simply don't find attractive? If that's so is it because you simply will not be "friends" with a man you find attractive? I have to add.... Lil we write on this board much about "social skills". Consider the following. Is it that the men who take your acting in a way that is usually reserved for showing romantic interest that lack social skills.... or is it you for acting that way? Like D-Lish just said. If you cannot simply tell these men you are not interested in a nice, honest, clear, but not hurtful way. Then take their show of interest as a compliment... then you need to change your behavior. Edited April 2, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 @Lil The reason these guys think that your being flirty and funny means you are interested ...is because women who are interested act flirty and funny. The thing is there is no way to hint that you are not interested when your behavior hints that you are interested. The simplest thing to do IMHO is to let them ask you out then tell the simple truth. Your not looking to date them but you really truly value them as a friend. If he is a true friend this will not be a problem and he will still want to be friends just as before. If not and he was just being nice in hopes of having sex with you he will move on. If you are a true friend you will be honest and up front about how you are feeling. You also will not be one of those women who will take advantage of a male friends good will. One more thing: Try not to see these men being interested in you as being something nefarious. I know you will feel what you feel but look at it this from their perspective. 1.)Your a woman they have been able to really get to know without the walls that people put up when dating. 2.)Your a woman who they feel is of good character because of reason number one. Try to take it as a compliment... the truth is most women (men) end up revealing some serious character flaw(s) which rule them out as dating material to their friends. 3.)Consider that you have gotten to know them in the same way. I'm curious about somethings. Are all of your male friends men you simply don't find attractive? If that's so is it because you simply will not be "friends" with a man you find attractive? I have to add.... Lil we write on this board much about "social skills". Consider the following. Is it that the men who take your acting in a way that is usually reserved for showing romantic interest that lack social skills.... or is it you for acting that way? Like D-Lish just said. If you cannot simply tell these men you are not interested in a nice, honest, clear, but not hurtful way. Then take their show of interest as a compliment... then you need to change your behavior. Thank you for your reply, what you said was beneficial and I understand exactly where you're coming from. I understand that how I act is how someone who likes someone typically acts. But that's just it...if I do have feelings for someone, I really don't act this way at all. This is me acting like I do to all friends, no matter the shape, size, gender, or how you look or who you are. Take for instance how I was with my ex before we started dating. Unable to talk when he came around. Never flirted. I'd blush like crazy. I'd start stuttering and my mind would go completely blank and I'd forget what I was talking about, let alone joke around with him like I do with my guy friends. He took my breath away, and he knew it. It was only till after we started dating was I able to joke around with him like I do with others. That's pretty much how I am with any guy I have feelings for. With my guy friends, and any friend for that matter, I just feel really comfortable with them and just feel like I can say and do whatever, and don't feel nervous in the least, that's why I find it so easy to joke around and flirt with them. That's how I am with this new dude. As soon as I make it my objective to be friends with someone, I show them exactly who I am and treat them like every other friend I have, no matter what. I guess part of me just assumes that they'll catch the hint that this is me being me, and that if I was interested in them, then I'd show different signs. But with what everyone tells us today about how to tell if someone is interested in you, then that's just a bad thing to assume on my part. And I do take it as a major compliment. I love to know that people enjoy my company and that I can make them laugh and feel as comfortable around me as I feel around them, especially guys. It's not that they aren't attractive though. Believe me, most of them are. This new guy isn't my type looks wise (I like blonds, with blue eyes, who are a bit taller than me, but I'm open for any type..it's just my preference). I could easily describe any and all of my friends as great looking. If you asked me to, I could make anyone sound beautiful or handsome if that's how I view them. But really, it only comes down to chemistry, or lack thereof. If they can't make me swoon, or make my heart skip a beat, just by looking at me or smiling, and if I don't feel anything, then they're just a friend to me. No matter what they look like or how great our conversations get. But even if I do end up having feelings for this new guy or someone else at my job, I still wont date them. Like I said, they'd have to be very special, since I'm not putting myself through this again, it's too painful, and not worth it if you ask me.
D-Lish Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 As soon as I make it my objective to be friends with someone, I show them exactly who I am and treat them like every other friend I have, no matter what. I guess part of me just assumes that they'll catch the hint that this is me being me, and that if I was interested in them, then I'd show different signs. So, in other words, you flirt with a dude you're NOT interested in, but expect them to catch what hint exactly? Everyone is expected to know that you actually DON'T flirt with guys you like, but flirt easily with those you don't like? The only signs you are giving to some unsuspecting dude you flirt with is that you ARE FLIRTING WITH HIM. 100% Of men are going to see this as a romantic move on your part, because that's how signals register with people. If you don't want men you aren't attracted to wanting more than a friendship, don't flirt with them. If you do flirt with them, then don't turn around and complain that you're upset about unwanted attention.
somedude81 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 For the love of God, tone down the flirting. Guys are usually pretty bad at detecting female flirting, so in order for them to keep picking it up from you, you are doing it hardcore. Even though it's not your indention, you are leading them on. And no man likes to be led on.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 So, in other words, you flirt with a dude you're NOT interested in, but expect them to catch what hint exactly? Everyone is expected to know that you actually DON'T flirt with guys you like, but flirt easily with those you don't like? The only signs you are giving to some unsuspecting dude you flirt with is that you ARE FLIRTING WITH HIM. 100% Of men are going to see this as a romantic move on your part, because that's how signals register with people. If you don't want men you aren't attracted to wanting more than a friendship, don't flirt with them. If you do flirt with them, then don't turn around and complain that you're upset about unwanted attention. Haha, I hear ya loud and clear. My reasoning is completely messed up I know. But when I'm with my friends and acting this way it's not that I'm thinking "flirt flirt flirt!" I'm thinking of just being friendly..and that's how I am when I'm friendly. I smile, laugh, touch, and do all these things. I never check the guys out, I never say "hey good looking!", I never focus all my attention on them, or give unexpected smiles when they look at me and I never make them think that they're the only person I act this way towards. I just try to be friends with them, and try letting my guard down and just be carefree about how I act. It's how I've been for the past few years, like I said, and it's just how I am with all my friends. And it's hard not to be this way, especially at my job. Everyone there flirts with everyone else. It doesn't matter how old you are or if you're talking to a girl or a guy, or if you're married or in a relationship with someone, or what you work as. Even those who have their SO there, flirt with everyone else. I used to call our job the love shack because of this, and because there were at least 15 couples there last summer, and we were all friends. We're one big family, and since I have to talk to these people multiple times a day, and multiple times a week, I try to make it as fun as possible. There's one older lady there, who's single and a hoot to work with who is the biggest flirt of us all. She'll come up behind the guys, hold on, or let them do it to her, and say something sexual to them (I never do that, and never even did it to my ex) and we all just laugh because it's how she is and we understand it. We have a weird shared sense of humor there, and typically, those who don't understand it and who don't go along with it, don't really quite fit in and typically quit or get fired within the first year (I've been there for three). But I do understand what you're saying, and it is very logical and rational. I will tone it down, especially outside of work, to those who I'm not interested in who show apparent interest in me. But at work (where this new dude is at), is a whole different story, and we'll see how well I can do to tone down how I've gotten used to acting there..we'll see.
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I have the perfect advice for OP!! Grow up now this thread is over
fishtaco Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 So you want to flirt, you want to make them magically back off, AND you want to be able to say you didn't lead them on? Sorry, pick whatever path you want, but you can't have the cake and eat it too.
Hules Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I have the perfect advice for OP!! Grow up now this thread is over Pretty much sums it up. You are been what we guys call a massive cock tease to be avoided like the plague in terms of "friendship". Because your idea of "friendship" with guys is to lead them on by flirting be it conscious/sub-conscious (not respecting their boundaries as a "friend"). Then probably get some sick ego trip swatting them back into place. I bet you probably get more upset when they get pissed at you for been a massive flirt than falling back into line like the submissive dogs you want them to be. Of course then its always their fault for not been a "real friend" when in fact they finally realize that the "friendship" is one sided designed for the sole purpose of inflating your ego. I find this thread laughable as I was told I'm rude in my other thread for refusing to be friend zoned with girls I have had romantic feelings for to avoid this kind of manipulation under the guise of "friendship". Easy solution OP stop been a cock tease, but you wont because you enjoy it (then complain about it).
fishtaco Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I find this thread laughable as I was told I'm rude in my other thread for refusing to be friend zoned with girls I have had romantic feelings for to avoid this kind of manipulation under the guise of "friendship". Really? How can that be rude? Avoiding being friendzoned is an essential step. That's not being rude, that's being smart. But, I don't think what the OP is doing is so bad. I just don't think she should have the "have the cake and eat it too" expectation. It's unrealistic. Go one way or the other. No hate from me. But be aware of the consequences.
phineas Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Personally I think we should replace all PUA classes with Man education classes. Then there would be nobody to enable the OP. I personally cut women like the OP out of my life the second I realize the type of woman they are. If most men learned to do this I think the world would be a better place.
zengirl Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 So, in other words, you flirt with a dude you're NOT interested in, but expect them to catch what hint exactly? Yes, the solution seems 100% simple. Now, even if you try not to flirt, it does happen that someone gets the wrong idea occasionally . . . but if you know you're flirting, why would it be AT ALL surprising that the guy thinks you're potentially interested. I mean, I'll flirt with strangers for fun when single, but I'd never flirt with a guy who I claimed was a friend who I thought might like me who I wasn't interested in. Just seems. . . mean.
mo mo Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Personally I think we should replace all PUA classes with Man education classes. Then there would be nobody to enable the OP. I personally cut women like the OP out of my life the second I realize the type of woman they are. If most men learned to do this I think the world would be a better place. Agree 100%. Women like op run amok at my job. As soon as as I see this kind of behavior I keep my distance. It really isn't good for anyone involved.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 So, "flirt" was probably the wrong word to use to describe how I act, because it's all you guys can focus on, and I personally feel that there's nothing really wrong with it. I keep asking the same question over and over again, and no one responds to it: if I act this way with every single person, especially my close friends, why is it my fault if they can't realize it? Why do they think that I'm trying to lead them on if I act this way all the time, not just them? Why would that be described as being a cock tease? If we're with a group of people, I don't just turn all my attention to them and I don't work for their attention, I just smile a lot at everyone, laugh a lot, and say little cute comments that I typically say to everyone, and most guys realize that it's just me being me, right away. Some just don't (they're the ones I'm asking about)..to them I used to back off until the realized that I wasn't interested, but I guess that's my only option to do once more. Once again, I don't do over the top flirting. I don't try to lead anyone on, that's the last of my goals. I don't try to make a guy feel special when talking to me, I act friendly. My friendliness though comes across as flirty more often times than not. I just try to have fun with people - not just the guys - I try to make them laugh, and enjoy my company, and in the process of doing so, I come off as a flirt. But I'm not mad that they get the wrong idea, since I do know that it's more my fault than anything, I just hate having to go through letting them know that they've been "friend zoned" already since they don't realize that the way I act towards them is how I act to my friends. If anything, I feel bad if I do lead them on at all, since like I said, it wasn't my goal, I was just trying to have fun and be friends with them. It just really sucks though that you guys are telling me to stop being this way when it's just how I am. Especially recently, following the breakup, I've been trying my hardest to keep my composure (especially at work) and keep my mind off of things. The easiest way for me to do that is to smile and laugh and talk a lot to anyone who'll talk to me, and it really helps me out. Plus, the fact that like I said, at my job, everyone is like this, if you're not..you're the oddball out, and you probably wont last. And, management will get on me if I'm not smiling at every single person who I talk to, and not being as friendly as I possibly can be. But according to most of you guys, that's the only thing I can do: stop it, and grow up. Thanks.
somedude81 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 So, "flirt" was probably the wrong word to use to describe how I act, because it's all you guys can focus on, and I personally feel that there's nothing really wrong with it. I keep asking the same question over and over again, and no one responds to it: if I act this way with every single person, especially my close friends, why is it my fault if they can't realize it? Because how you normally act, is how the vast majority of the female population flirts. How are the guys supposed to know that you are different?
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Because how you normally act, is how the vast majority of the female population flirts. How are the guys supposed to know that you are different? I understand that. But once again, while referring to my job (since that's where the new dude is at, and where I lead too many guys on it seems), it's how a vast majority of us behave and interact with one another. I still even act this way with my ex, even though I know that we are just friends now and even though there's pretty much zero hope of us getting back together. I try though, whenever others are around me and a guy that I have a feeling is into me, to draw my attention to those standing around us, and much less so on him, to give a subtle hint. If it's just me and a dude though, and if no one else is around, and it's not at work, I typically don't act nearly as flirty - if at all - if I'm not interested in him. Because, I don't assume that he will figure it out just by talking to me one-on-one that this is me being friendly. So, I'm not like this with every single guy that I meet..mainly just at work and if we're around friends, where he has the chance to see that I'm just being friendly.
SummersEve Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) One-size-fits-all behavior doesn't really work. So no, you can't flirt with guys and expect them to somehow know that with you, flirting doesn't mean what it means to everybody else. Even if everybody does it at work, if for some reason your flirting is being reacted to differently, why not tone it down. To a girl, the flirting can be a very fun past time. Guys tend to have much higher testosterone level which causes them to think "F*CK" in blinking neon letters when they see a chance. They do have a goal and when you play they think you have it too. They will often react with bitterness that would take a girl's breath away if she did not understand that they do not experience it the same way. They often seem believe that you are intentionally being cruel to them, taunting them. So when you look at it like that, it's not that fun any more. I don't think you mean it maliciously at all. But it's not fun for someone to be extremely disappointed either. So, if your behavior is misunderstood by these guys you like, and it makes them feel bad when they think they are being led on and then slapped down, wouldn't you want to change it even if it isn't your fault? Edited April 2, 2011 by SummersEve
somedude81 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 It seems your office could use a sexual harassment class. I wonder how common it is for men at your work place to feel led on. Of course men aren't going to complain about that issue but I'm sure a lot of them have been left feeling frustrated. If the shoe were on the other foot and the men were overly flirty, there is no doubt that a sensitivity class would be required.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 It seems your office could use a sexual harassment class. I wonder how common it is for men at your work place to feel led on. Of course men aren't going to complain about that issue but I'm sure a lot of them have been left feeling frustrated. If the shoe were on the other foot and the men were overly flirty, there is no doubt that a sensitivity class would be required. It's actually a pretty big restaurant at the beach..no office for me haha. And I don't know..they flirt more actually..especially those who have their girlfriend working there. It's odd logic, I know. Most, if not everyone there still sees me as my ex's girl and are just waiting for us to get back together, so I know when guys flirt with me that it means absolutely nothing..just as when I do it to them it means absolutely nothing to me. It's understood among all of us, except for the new people. It typically takes only a couple of work days though for them to see how the place is run and get the hang of things, and I just hope all the time that I don't lose a potential friend or buddy by behaving the same way towards them as I do to all others there, ya know? I guess maybe I could ease it down at the very beginning at the very least, and just try to be your typical coworker at first, and wait until it's understood that we're friends to treat them like I treat everyone else, but that's not as much fun But if it will spare them their feelings and frustration, it would be worth it.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 One-size-fits-all behavior doesn't really work. So no, you can't flirt with guys and expect them to somehow know that with you, flirting doesn't mean what it means to everybody else. Even if everybody does it at work, if for some reason your flirting is being reacted to differently, why not tone it down. To a girl, the flirting can be a very fun past time. Guys tend to have much higher testosterone level which causes them to think "F*CK" in blinking neon letters when they see a chance. They do have a goal and when you play they think you have it too. They will often react with bitterness that would take a girl's breath away if she did not understand that they do not experience it the same way. They often seem believe that you are intentionally being cruel to them, taunting them. So when you look at it like that, it's not that fun any more. I don't think you mean it maliciously at all. But it's not fun for someone to be extremely disappointed either. So, if your behavior is misunderstood by these guys you like, and it makes them feel bad when they think they are being led on and then slapped down, wouldn't you want to change it even if it isn't your fault? I feel ya, and I think what you're saying is absolutely right, thank you. I think (like I said in my last comment) that I will tone it down, to spare their feelings. Even if it's just at first to where they see we're just friends and that there's no hope of anything more, and that I will not ever date them while we work together. It typically would take me a couple of days to act that way to new friends anyway, so I'm just hoping that it will work with them, and that this new dude wont be mad at me or anything or ruin our chance of being friends because of yesterday.
tincanman99 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Someone want to enlighten me? Because I just went through this and I crashed and burned . "Real" flirting versus "fake" flirting" - WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
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