johan Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Why am I alone? What's my roadblock? I'm a relationship guy, and I'm pretty good to be around. So why no relationship?
Art_Critic Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Are you tired of being alone ? Could just be a defense mechanism, so you don't get hurt again.. Gotta force yourself back on that horse sometimes.
Author johan Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 How proactive are you about it? Not the least bit. I've been in turtle mode for quite a while now. Mostly waiting for them to come to me. I've dated a bit lately, but I'm like the bad chemist: if there's good chemistry going on, I pour it down the drain. If there's the potential for good chemistry, I snuff the flame. Are you tired of being alone ? Could just be a defense mechanism, so you don't get hurt again.. Gotta force yourself back on that horse sometimes. SICK of it. And it's actually inappropriate. The way I'm living is contrary to my nature. But you're probably right. It's a cost/benefit thing: should I trade the dull ache of boredom and loneliness for the sharp stabs of rejection? I don't want to go through any more breakups.
Art_Critic Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 SICK of it. And it's actually inappropriate. The way I'm living is contrary to my nature. Too bad you don't live in the Atl area.. I know some single women that have would love to be around a quality guy like yourself. Maybe you need to lower your guard some.. and just close your eyes
florence of suburbia Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think you're scared, and you need to stop worrying that things will go wrong because they MOST DEFINITELY WILL and then you need to go out and love someone anyway.
D-Lish Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I don't want to go through any more breakups. I think that is a major part of the problem. I know it was for me. With every relationship comes the potential for heartache- and that reality can turn the best of us off dating.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You said you dated. What was the ending there? Were you rejected in most situations? Were you just not feeling it in most situations?
zengirl Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 You make it sound like you're being self-defeating. So that could be it. Also, just sometimes, it's a time to be single. I don't think it's healthy to view those times as some sort of black pit of despair. But, of course, self-sabatoging yourself is never good.
daphne Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Not the least bit. I've been in turtle mode for quite a while now. Mostly waiting for them to come to me. I've dated a bit lately, but I'm like the bad chemist: if there's good chemistry going on, I pour it down the drain. If there's the potential for good chemistry, I snuff the flame. It sounds like you already know. Interesting, but this seems to explain what I've experienced recently with a few guys. I wonder if you are doing the same. They seem to expect rejection, so they don't put that much effort into it and will basically sabotage things. I had a date planned this evening and he texted me to tell me that since I hadn't called him to confirm, he had made plans with someone else. In my world, when you commit to a date you don't need to confirm and you at least give your date the benefit of the doubt by asking them first before you make other plans. I've noticed guys doing odd things like this, and to me it seems that they dont' want a relationship bad enough to not play stupid games or try to mitigate the sting of rejection. To me, I think it's worse to not put your best foot forward because you could miss out on a great opportunity than to not do it and wonder what you could have created. But when you're ready you'll do what you need to do.
westernxer Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 With every relationship comes the potential for heartache- and that reality can turn the best of us off dating. That's my dilemma, but I'm trying harder these days to see the light for what it is instead of what it exposes. I haven't turned myself into a dating machine with this modified approach, but I'm keeping my eyes open.
Author johan Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) You really need to be proactive about it. And I mean proactive, go out, do things that make you uncomfortable. Make yourself uncomfortable and put on that determination coat at all costs. You're right. But you should know that I've been there. I know how to do it. Sometimes I find myself doing it again. And when I do, it feels familiar and makes me uneasy. I know where it leads. Whenever I find I'm charming someone or being outgoing, I throttle myself way back. If I go through those motions again, I want something to be different this time. Too bad you don't live in the Atl area.. I know some single women that have would love to be around a quality guy like yourself. Maybe you need to lower your guard some.. and just close your eyes You're probably right, too. I need to jump back in the pool. Even if I've already done it a million times. Just get back in. I think you're scared, and you need to stop worrying that things will go wrong because they MOST DEFINITELY WILL and then you need to go out and love someone anyway. I think I agree. I think it's that cruel fact that keeps me on the fence. I think that is a major part of the problem. I know it was for me. With every relationship comes the potential for heartache- and that reality can turn the best of us off dating. I've been on top of the world several times. There's always nowhere to go but down. I can't get myself to forget that. I can't get it out of my head. You said you dated. What was the ending there? Were you rejected in most situations? Were you just not feeling it in most situations? Sometimes I was rejected on the first date, although it's not clear I was really present or trying. I brought a lot of self-consciousness to the table, and that just makes things awkward. And in a lot of cases I just wasn't interested, which means I wasn't really myself for fear they would like me. I wouldn't make jokes or make eye contact or anything. That made me tense. You make it sound like you're being self-defeating. So that could be it. Also, just sometimes, it's a time to be single. I don't think it's healthy to view those times as some sort of black pit of despair. But, of course, self-sabatoging yourself is never good. I've been single for quite a while now. I want out. It sounds like you already know. Interesting, but this seems to explain what I've experienced recently with a few guys. I wonder if you are doing the same. They seem to expect rejection, so they don't put that much effort into it and will basically sabotage things. I had a date planned this evening and he texted me to tell me that since I hadn't called him to confirm, he had made plans with someone else. In my world, when you commit to a date you don't need to confirm and you at least give your date the benefit of the doubt by asking them first before you make other plans. I've noticed guys doing odd things like this, and to me it seems that they dont' want a relationship bad enough to not play stupid games or try to mitigate the sting of rejection. To me, I think it's worse to not put your best foot forward because you could miss out on a great opportunity than to not do it and wonder what you could have created. But when you're ready you'll do what you need to do. It's not hard to get into a mode where you equate effort with risk, because you invest a lot in it. Instead of just being carefree and abandoning yourself and doing what feels right, there's a lot of second-guessing. In the end you do a lot of not-much and don't try too hard, staying in the envelope of safety. Also, you don't want to appear to be all that interested because you can't help but buy into the lame theory that people respond positively to little rejections and instantly take you for granted if you actually put yourself out there. That's the "anti-nice guy" thing: don't put yourself out there. Women do it, too. They close off and change course when the relationship starts to develop. They don't trust a guy who is open and straight with them. But unless you play a game that is perfectly tailored to a particular woman, you aren't going to get very far. You never know what exactly is the right recipe. It's trial and error every time. And failure most of the time. It wouldn't be too hard to break through all that with a bit of easy-going confidence, if it wasn't for work and other responsibilities that take away chances to be spontaneous. Not to mention time and energy. All you get is evenings and weekends, and even those aren't always available. If you devote them to spending time finding cracks in someone's armor, you risk coming off as a bit obsessive and intrusive. Thinking... thinking.... Edited April 2, 2011 by johan
D-Lish Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 That's my dilemma, but I'm trying harder these days to see the light for what it is instead of what it exposes. I haven't turned myself into a dating machine with this modified approach, but I'm keeping my eyes open. I've been there too- and was pretty much single for 8 years because of it. At some point you just have to say wtf and take a chance again. I think all of us have to realize that if we could take pain on the chin in the past and push through it, we can do it again. Sometimes it just takes someone to come along that's worth the risk. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, you have a choice to bolt or invest.
elaina Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Why am I alone? What's my roadblock? I'm a relationship guy, and I'm pretty good to be around. So why no relationship? I think the questions you should ask yourself are these: 1. What kind of woman do I want to meet? 2. Where will I meet her? 3. What am I waiting for? Relationship guys are awesome, but if you don't go out and find her, she's not going to know you want her.
florence of suburbia Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 (edited) Thinking... thinking.... Too much thinking. Admittedly, you're sexy when you're thinking. But you're even sexier when you derail that talkative mind of yours and let the feelings take the lead. Edited April 3, 2011 by florence of suburbia
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Maybe you are spending too much time posting on LS.
highviolet Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Not the least bit. I've been in turtle mode for quite a while now. Mostly waiting for them to come to me. I've dated a bit lately, but I'm like the bad chemist: if there's good chemistry going on, I pour it down the drain. If there's the potential for good chemistry, I snuff the flame. SICK of it. And it's actually inappropriate. The way I'm living is contrary to my nature. But you're probably right. It's a cost/benefit thing: should I trade the dull ache of boredom and loneliness for the sharp stabs of rejection? I don't want to go through any more breakups. I think you answered your own question here!
highviolet Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 You're putting too much pressure on it I think. Don't think that every date, every night out is going to end up in either the love of your life or a crushing heartbreak. Just go out with the intention of having fun and meeting new people.
fishtaco Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 You're putting too much pressure on it I think. Don't think that every date, every night out is going to end up in either the love of your life or a crushing heartbreak. Just go out with the intention of having fun and meeting new people. Yes. There are stages to dating. Even if you are relationship guy, I am too, you still can't just skip the process to a serious relationship. No matter what, you start casual. When it's casual, there is no heartbreak to speak of. There is annoyance, frustration and disappointments, but no heartbreaks. None of them should matter enough to cause that. If you're afraid of rejection, maybe you can try going out to intentionally get rejected until you get used to it? Not sure if that'll work, never tried it myself. I'm afraid of rejection too, it's not nice, but I'm not afraid of it to the point that it's debilitating. It causes me hesitation which I'm trying to conquer. But it won't stop me from trying. Try this. When you hit on a woman, you have a plan right? If you don't, you should. Also plan for failure. What are you going to do if she rejects you. One of the best way to handle it is... well, if you ever change your mind let me know, or some variation of it, and leave it at that. I usually try to make a joke out of it. Like if you ever change your mind, hire a team of synchronized swimmers to spell out my name, then I'll know. Or something stupid like that. Women usually will appreciate that because: 1) You have the balls to ask 2) You didn't flip out and you were polite even when rejected 3) You gave them a painless and easy way out by letting them decide if they want to change their minds in the future #3 may sound like nothing, but it's a big thing to women. A lot of the times they don't like to be so doom and gloom. You have no chance, GTFO. By doing that future bit, it makes things sound less harsh because it seems open-ended, and you put the decision in their court. 99% of the time they will not come back, and you should treat it as if 100% of the time they won't come back. But it makes the rejection smoother for both you and her. And women that flip out when you were polite and observed etiquette, it's their problem. Bullet dodged. You DO NOT want to be with psychos like that. Not even for sex.
daphne Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Instead of just being carefree and abandoning yourself and doing what feels right, there's a lot of second-guessing. In the end you do a lot of not-much and don't try too hard, staying in the envelope of safety. Also, you don't want to appear to be all that interested because you can't help but buy into the lame theory that people respond positively to little rejections and instantly take you for granted if you actually put yourself out there. That's the "anti-nice guy" thing: don't put yourself out there. Wish I could say that I knew the answer. I am pretty jaded myself at this point, and just realized I'm a little loathe to put myself too far out there any time soon this time. I don't know Johan. Sometimes guys really do try harder when I give them little rejections, then back off when I seem available and or interested. It makes no sense, but it happens. Current guy persisted online when I told him I wasn't interested because of his dogs. What happens if I stay open to him? Will he lose interest?
Author johan Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Too much thinking. Admittedly, you're sexy when you're thinking. But you're even sexier when you derail that talkative mind of yours and let the feelings take the lead. I'm too sexy for this shirt, too sexy for this shirt... So sexy it hurts. But I know what you mean about the thinking. I think this is more a case of not enough deciding, and just letting the old feelings run the show. Maybe you are spending too much time posting on LS. That could be. But one thing I won't do is to complain that reading the posts here are keeping me dwelling on my problems. And of course all the great responses here on this thread help. At least it's good to know people know how it feels. I'm not the only one. You're putting too much pressure on it I think. Don't think that every date, every night out is going to end up in either the love of your life or a crushing heartbreak. Just go out with the intention of having fun and meeting new people. It's the opposite really. I've been resigned to having nothing occur on any dates. And to going on with my life ignoring this big gap, just hoping it would take care of itself.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 How old are you? Where are you? How are you meeting these women? What do you look like? You left off his phone number
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 lol brainy, I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of johan either. Never seen one. People around here say he is hot I think I need the picture before I can give advice.
Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 J is legitimately a very attractive gentleman. And ES, since you love TBF...she was hot for him too. So, there's a point of reference for ya.
threebyfate Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 lol brainy, I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of johan either. Never seen one. People around here say he is hot I think I need the picture before I can give advice.If johan doesn't disagree, I can send you a pic of my choice.
Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 If johan doesn't disagree, I can send you a pic of my choice. I'm gonna guess he will.
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