woundedheart Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 My husband's affair happened at the end of December (see intro thread for my story). We are going to counseling. Our grown sons know (unfortunately they were in the house when OW called after H ended it) and so do some of my family (I was scared that I would be homeless). Other than the people close to us who know and the counseling, he isn't really facing any consequences for his behavior. He told HIS family that I asked for a divorce because I became insanely jealous when I found out he had been talking to his friends' wife and that he was just being a friend to both of them when they were having problems. He neglected the fact that those calls and texts were sexual. He also didn't remember to tell them that he ended up sleeping with her and was going to leave me. Now they think I'm some crazy menopausal nut. He has to go to an hour meeting with me and our pastor once a month and has to read a book with me (which he usually doesn't do as he should). Me, I'm making sure that everything that he was missing isn't anymore and then some. Him, he gets to sit back and enjoy all of the attention while doing nothing about his selfish thinking. He does little things like making fun of me because I hate the song "Stay" by Sugarland. He does this in a room full of his family knowing why I hate it and knowing I won't say anything in front of them. When I say something to him in private he says "I was only picking at you. It's just a song". He was watching his weight and eating less so he could look better for her during the A. Now he's eating everything in sight. He doesn't care how he looks for me or that he may lose what heath he has. Things like this really make me mad. Is this a normal reaction or am I just looking for things? I really don't want to be mad, I don't want to think about it, I just want it to go away but that isn't going to happen.
2sunny Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 this is not healthy - nor is it balanced. if you don't change things there is no reason to stay. either tell his family the truth... or divorce him. in fact HE should tell them the truth while you are standing there - that way you can be sure he tells his truth - the WHOLE story. if he won't - then leave.
Woman In Blue Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Wounded, it sounds as though you're staying because you're afraid to be 'homeless.' Do you have a job? If not, you should get one and QUIT being a slave to having to make choices based on your need for someone to support you. No job = NO options. Not very pretty. I would probably choose not to reconcile with a cheating husband. It seems the bulk of the work falls on the BS and frankly, I don't find that appealing at all. It would seem the only one jumping through hoops to try to make this work is YOU. He's a complete jack-hole with ZERO remorse for what he did. Why are YOU jumping around like a trained seal to provide this jerk with everything he was 'missing' and more? The only thing I'd provide for him is a clear passage way to the nearest curb. He doesn't RESPECT you, Wounded. He makes fun of you and disrespects you every single chance he gets. It's SO obvious he has zero remorse for what he's done, and zero remorse for the pain he's caused you. And in the meantime, you're centering your entire life around this ass and doing everything you can to give him what he supposedly lacks. The scales are horribly imbalanced and that's why you're feeling the resentment you're feeling. Dragging him to a pastor once a month isn't going to do squat because he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong - and he proves it every single day with his crappy attitude by basically laughing in your face and calling you jealous and paranoid. Nice. And making him read a book isn't going to magically give him an epiphany and make him act like a human being, either. Listen, if you're spending all your time being a floormat for this jerk in the hopes of keeping him happy at home, it's NOT working. Men don't RESPECT women who are floormats and give them everything they want. Especially if he knows you have no OPTIONS because you're dependant on him so you're putting on this big dog and pony show because you have no CHOICE but to do so. That's degrading to you and it just makes you MORE unappealing to him - and he's NOT going to respect you for it. Become financially independent so you have OPTIONS. I only say this because you said in your post that you told your family about the affair because you were afraid you were going to be 'homeless.' One only becomes homeless when they aren't financially independent, so that's why I keep stressing to get a viable job so you can support YOURSELF. You can continue on this path - being a Stepford wife for a complete horse's ass whose too busy shoveling food into his mouth to give a rat's ass about anyone other than himself, or you can CHANGE your options by becoming independent. Nothing changes if nothing changes, Wounded.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 180 pronto, like right now. Check out the Divorce Busting website for tips on the 180 just because if you start pulling back from him but being friendly, he will have to change some kind of dynamic in the relationship. There Is Shame there. Some of the things you have written show it. But he is avoiding it and you can't nag a guy into it. 180 and see where it goes. Don't cave in! If you want out, totally do it, you have grounds. But if you are not sure then get on the 180. I know it isn't a divorce situation yet but you need to send a message. Btw, in general pastors simply do not have enough training in intimacy-building counseling.
nsphere Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 What might have attracted him to this other woman is her confidence and independence but at the same time, he still had his security and safety net with you. Whether you leave him or not, now is the time to have his affair work to your advantage and demand what you want out of your relationship. Make some plans to find a temporary place to stay and take some time to be on your own where you are the only one you have to worry about and clean up after, even if it's just staying with a family member for a while. Instead of focusing on him, focus on yourself. Ever want to try out a local dance class or wine tasting seminar? Do it! Let him see what it's like without you there waiting on him hand and foot. My sister's husband once asked for a divorce and she was heartbroken. This was the advice I gave her and she found a room for rent and started moving on with her life. No one was more shocked then him as her world has always revolved around him and in the end, he was the one to ask to get back together and how he missed her and the way she treated him. Either way though, focus on yourself so that you will be happy with or without him.
Carrot2000 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Your husband is not showing any remorse nor is he making any effort to save this marriage; he hasn't earned the right to reconcile with you. Stop degrading yourself to please him because he doesn't deserve it. Like DOT said, it's time for you 180 his ass.
JLB Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 He does little things like making fun of me because I hate the song "Stay" by Sugarland. He does this in a room full of his family knowing why I hate it and knowing I won't say anything in front of them. When I say something to him in private he says "I was only picking at you. It's just a song". UGH, I hate that song too!! I mean Jennifer Nettles sings it very well, but I really dislike what the song really means and it being sung from the OW's point of view. I think I agree that it's time to get tough with your H...sounds like he never had any consequences. Same thing happened here...he was back cheating with the same skank in no time.
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