Unexplored relationship is making me miserable

[justnotthere]

I took a job 1000 miles away. About two weeks later, I met a girl... We met through a mutual activity, and saw each other 15-20 times over the next 6 weeks before I moved to start the new job. We flirted and got to know each other reasonably well over that time. She was aggressive, and made it loud and clear that she was into me. She turned out to be by far the most amazing woman I've ever met no exaggeration, and I've done my fair share of dating. I became extremely infatuated with her, but I restrained myself because I didn't want to get involved right before moving. When it was time for me to leave... I did I don't think she knew I was moving. She never asked and I never brought it up. We haven't talked since I left.

 

Given the exceptionally awful timing and circumstances, this was extremely frustrating for me. There was a huge amount of interest on both sides and I didn't let anything happen. It made me feel really anxious leaving this relationship unexplored, but I'm a rather rational person and at the time it seemed best to move on with my life.

 

I felt bad when I first moved but that was nothing compared to how I'm feeling now. I moved in late-December so I've been gone over 3 months. Right now I'm ridden with anxiety and feel completely despondent. I don't feel like doing anything. I've never felt this awful in my life In the past, I've always been a really upbeat and social guy. Some past breakups were tough, where I felt down for maybe a month. But never even close to what I'm going through right now... which seems ridiculous as we weren't even together and didn't do anything sexual.

 

Keeping contact with her seems like torture. That's why I haven't contacted her since I left. I've contemplated sending her a text such as "do me a big favor. tell me that you hate me". But that will strike out any future possibility, so I'm hesitant. I'm age 25 so I'm not as financially free as I will be in a few years.

 

What do you suggest I do? I've been on a few dates recently but felt totally out of it. I've tried not thinking about her and moving on, but that didn't work. This is plaguing my mind and making me miserable

Edited April 1, 2011 by justnotthere

[spiderowl]

Are you missing not taking up the opportunity with her or are you feeling guilty about just dumping her like that? If you left without telling her and she was clearly into you and you declined, then you've treated her pretty inconsiderately.

[MarlyStar]

You wait it out. When you fell in love/infatuation with her, your brain started pumping out feel good chemicals--and you got addicted to them. You are in withdrawal. It brings depression, trouble concentrating, shakyness, and some physical pain.

 

That's part of it.

 

The other part is you liked her a lot and probably wonder/worry if you'll find someone else as amazing.

 

If you are new in town, you may also be lonely which would intensify the above. You lost your support system.

 

So the tried and true advice is to wait it out and get involved with new people and start dating again. It doesn't make the discomfort go away, but it does move it on.

 

I'm sorry.

 

The one who seemed perfect but who got away is always the hardest. And it's harder because it no doubt is tantalizing how close you came.

[welikeincrowds]

I've tried not thinking about her and moving on

Sadly, there's no way to just "not think about her", to tell yourself "I'm moving on" and command it so. You cannot control the emotional impulses of the mind and heart; they just come to you, regardless of will. You can only choose to act -- with them, or against. Trying not to think about her, distracting yourself with something else -- that would be acting against. This creates an internal conflict, between what you feel, and a "rational" desire to suppress.

 

Incidentally, this is the conflict that has gotten to you in the mess in the first place. You denied your impulse to express affection for her, and now you've entered a crisis for it. Ironically, it's worse than the supposed crisis you were trying to prevent by denying your desire in the first place.

 

By now I'm sure you've gathered this conclusion, or something like it, on your own. Still, that's undoubtedly the lesson to take from this: never stop listening to yourself. It's hard to do consistently. It's a struggle worthy of life.

 

And... that's it. In my opinion, that's all you have to learn or take away from this experience. I say this because it's very easy to perseverate on the minutiae of should and could when in crisis. Resist that temptation by reminding yourself that here, you have the one true answer, the fundamental error. And it's completely human and forgivable error, that you will likely make again, as we all do.

 

This event has been painful, but it was necessary, in order for you to show yourself how to live a fulfilled life.

 

But that will strike out any future possibility

This thought is the expression of the source of your agony. Remember, listen to your impulses. You have the mind to tell her to text you something negative and final because right now you need closure.

 

I have a technique that you might like to try: writing. This post was a good start. Write a lot: your thoughts and feelings about her, what you regret, what you wish you had, your possibilities for now, letters to her that you don't actually send. For every thought that strikes like a hammer to your heart, write. Get it onto paper, a private blog, printouts all over the walls of your apartment, whatever will help you get it out.

 

Another great resource is actually the Coping section of this forum. I know it has been a great help for me in the past.

[justnotthere]

Are you missing not taking up the opportunity with her or are you feeling guilty about just dumping her like that? If you left without telling her and she was clearly into you and you declined, then you've treated her pretty inconsiderately.

 

It's mostly not taking up the opportunity.

 

I didn't mention in the OP, but the "mutual activity" that brought us together was also ending at the same time that I left. So the end outcome was the same as if I simply hadn't asked her out and hadn't moved. It's possible that she still doesn't know that I'm gone.

 

I did decline her through inaction, and I have no doubt that this hurt her. So I do feel sorry for her.

[justnotthere]

You wait it out. When you fell in love/infatuation with her, your brain started pumping out feel good chemicals--and you got addicted to them. You are in withdrawal. It brings depression, trouble concentrating, shakyness, and some physical pain.

 

That's part of it.

 

The other part is you liked her a lot and probably wonder/worry if you'll find someone else as amazing.

 

If you are new in town, you may also be lonely which would intensify the above. You lost your support system.

 

So the tried and true advice is to wait it out and get involved with new people and start dating again. It doesn't make the discomfort go away, but it does move it on.

 

I'm sorry.

 

The one who seemed perfect but who got away is always the hardest. And it's harder because it no doubt is tantalizing how close you came.

 

You hit the nail right on the head.

But it seems like waiting has only caused me more anxiety.

[justnotthere]

Thank you, this gives me new things to think about

 

This event has been painful, but it was necessary, in order for you to show yourself how to live a fulfilled life.

 

I agree with you. This experience definitely highlighted some things that needed to come to light. In my rationalizing, I've also thought of 5-10 solid reasons that I'm actually glad that nothing happened at that time. However, despite having so many "good" logical reasons, the emotional side of me is still in turmoil. This is where I have been stuck.

 

This thought is the expression of the source of your agony.

 

Yeah, I realize this thought is like poison to me. Yet without it, I'd feel completely despondent. Do you think I'm better off without it?

 

It doesn't seem unreasonable that there could be a future. I'm confident that I could make it happen. But there are too many unknowns and they cause me stress, e.g. 1) what if she's taken, 2) what if she's unwilling after what happened this time around.

 

A scarcity mentality is poisonous. I'm open to new possibilities, but they seem exceedingly unlikely.

 

This is why I seeked out this forum. I need new ideas and calibration via diversity of thoughts. I really don't know what to do here.

 

Remember, listen to your impulses. You have the mind to tell her to text you something negative and final because right now you need closure.

 

Are you saying that you think I should follow through and sabotage it?

 

Write a lot

 

Ha, I've done a lot in the form of personal writing about this. Writing has been good because it organizes and unloads my thoughts, which eases my mind dramatically. But it also causes me to dwell on the situation. It's hard for me to evaluate whether it's resolving anything since my situation doesn't seem any better after 3 months.