He broke up because he didn't want the hassle of a gf anymore, wanted space.

April 1, 2011

About 10 weeks ago my bf broke up with me after nearly 2 years of being together. His reason? He didnt want the hassle of a gf anymore, wanted to do what he wants when he wants. Basically he wanted space. He is a huge mummys boy and plays footy and and goes to the gym practically everyday. Just one of the lads.

Now these last 10 weeks have been on and off for him. He said no to seeing me as feelings are still there and if we saw each other out at night in the bars talking or flirting with another girl/guy then we wouldnt like it and we would get angry with each other and be hurt. But we met up within those weeks and had sex nearly all the time. It wasnt just sex then throw me away, it was cuddle, talk, sex, cuddle and he would take me home and kiss me and say he would txt me soon. We have done this on and off. We had a discussion a few weeks back where he said he loves me, misses me and thinks about me and wants to buy me a necklace and be friends. But also wants space and he knows he would regret his decision and he would have to get on with everything if he saw me out with another guy. (And he hasnt yet so I dont know and he doesnt know how he would react?!)

He knows full well im not that type of person to sleep around or kiss guys out. I have to see them, date them etc before any of that so he knows I wouldnt do that and he knows I still have feelings for him so I cant let go..

So atm its like he only contacts me when he wants me and same with the sex. Like having his cake and eating it. Having the best of both worlds. Having me still in his life but with no commitment.

There hasnt been a week gone by that we havnt txtd each other.. I dont want to be friends, how can you be friends with the person you have feelings for?! I want him back I really do but it is sooo hard to not contact him. He does initiate the contact too though! I have read everywhere that no contact is the best way for a guy to miss you or wonder what you are doing.. and also of course for me to heal and to get over him.

Does that even work though??

I really would like some help. It would be very greatful.

April 1, 2011

Hi Bexy and welcome to LS.

Right, the good news is you are questioning the situation and naturally feel something is amiss. I expect you feel a mixture of hurt, confusion, hope and rejection right now; the situation these last 10 weeks will heighten some of the emotions more than others. Each time you see him you become hopeful that it will change the way he feels, yet each time it leaves you confused and hurt because he is rejecting you as anything other than a sex object. So I expect you're also experiencing feelings of being used. Yet so far you thought 'if I just hang in there, something may change', but this has gone on LONG ENOUGH.

The situation as it stands means that he is having regular sex with you, plus the freedom to have sex with whoever else he wants - safe in the knowledge you'll be faithful because he knows your nature. Now from where i'm looking in, that makes him a bit of a cruel b a s t a r d! It is certainly a case of him looking out for himself, with no regard for your emotional wellbeing whatsoever. Plus he knows he's behaving badly because that is the reason he is also texing you; aswell as keeping you there he no doubt feels a bit guilty for undermining you, by treating someone he once loved like crap.

Therefore you do need to go into no contact (there is a brilliant guide on here by Gator) with the motivation I always push being YOU'RE PROTECTING YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND HEART. Your current situation would be dragged out by him for as long as you allow it, he would no doubt carry on until he finds a new girlfriend, which would devastate you. So you are going to take control here first, start putting you in the number one spot and learn a lot about yourself in the process. You need to become empowered and break this cycle starting right here today.

I will respond further when you have. x

April 3, 2011

Thankyou so much for responding back :-)

I have tried NC for a good few days, I was cool, calm and collective. I saw him on the Weds to give him his top back in which he didnt return my stuff! But I left it at that.. I was being sooo strong until he decides to txt me after his weekend of fun in Brighton with the lads. Now he txtd me and I didnt txt back. He then txtd again the next day so I thought ill just respond so I replied bluntly with me saying that I forgot he had txtd me and also didnt ask any questions for him to respond too..

He then txtd me again but that was after a day with a response similar to mine like he had also forgot to txt me..

Now I was feeling good. I felt like I was in control for a change and this could hopefully make a difference in everything..

Until I broke it.... :-(.. I crashed and crumbled by sending a picture msg of my dog (yes I know, wtf was up with that? its just we both love dogs and my dog looked like his in this image)... He seemed happy that I txtd him as he replied with pics of his dog and asking how I was etc...

BUT I then thought I was just gonna crawl back to stage one of everthing so I txtd him to delete my number.. then we had a convo with it being that im still his friend so why does he have too and I replied we are not friends as friends dont have feelings for each other unless that is all I am to him.. He didnt answer my question so I told him not to bother buying me that necklace and if I ever see him around that will speak for itself. He just replied with that he is going to buy me the necklace and he thinks about it alot.

I then phoned him last night as I was drunk.. I know another excuse! :-( and we were having a convo and he told me he missed me and that we can have a cuddle tomorrow when he drives round with his new car that he bought and wants to show me it..

So yup that is it!

But Ive had enough... Im thinking tomorrow when he drops my stuff off and I see his car.. thatll be it.. If he initiates any sexual contact ill simply say no as we are not together and I dont wanna catch anything! (well ill try hard not to give in).

And when I walk away that will be the last he hears from me and I WONT tell him im erasing him this time..

Its just.. im afraid NC will will push him further away from me than he already is and forget about me. I still want him back...

April 3, 2011

Apologies if my reply is not detailed, had a long hours of car ride for 2 days.

I saw your first post on,

"He didnt want the hassle of a gf anymore, wanted to do what he wants when he wants. Basically he wanted space."

Read what you type as above again. Do you want to be a man who finds you a hassle?

I will give my personal opinion as below based on your 2nd post in this thread:

You are doing good maintaining NC, don't initiate contact with him. However, the moment the second time he texted you, you no longer feel strong. (You did fantastic by not replying to his first text)

Are you going NC because of the hope of getting him back? NC's true purpose is not for the dumpees to have the thoughts to be back with their exes. NC is for the dumpees for themselves to start believing their lives can be fine and happy without their exes. They are not the only source of our happiness.

"Until I broke it.... :-(.. I crashed and crumbled by sending a picture msg of my dog (yes I know, wtf was up with that? its just we both love dogs and my dog looked like his in this image)... He seemed happy that I txtd him as he replied with pics of his dog and asking how I was etc..."

This is the moment of giving in to the urge and temptation. It's definitely fine to give in to urge and temptation, though you have to begin convincing yourself you don't have to do this again to yourself over and over again.

"BUT I then thought I was just gonna crawl back to stage one of everthing so I txtd him to delete my number.. then we had a convo with it being that im still his friend so why does he have too and I replied we are not friends as friends dont have feelings for each other unless that is all I am to him.. He didnt answer my question so I told him not to bother buying me that necklace and if I ever see him around that will speak for itself. He just replied with that he is going to buy me the necklace and he thinks about it alot."

He chose to break up with you. Therefore, even if really want to move on, you delete his number. You don't have to ask him to delete your number. By doing this, you are initiating contact with you (and you are in the midst of NC). Also, by continuing talking to him about your not his friend, you had broke your NC. It's okay, you can start again, you don't have to tell him how you feel when he himself is not any interest to know about it.

When my ex bf broke up with me, I did the exact same things you did as well and my ex bf told me this, "Thanks for telling me your feelings, however, I still cannot get rid of my feelings our rs is destined to fail, we can't work it out."

No matter what, you said it yourself, go NC, strict NC, do whatever it takes for yourself to stick through NC.

"Its just.. im afraid NC will will push him further away from me than he already is and forget about me. I still want him back..."

NC is truly for yourself only, if you use NC to get him back or worry he will get further away from you, then you are not ready to maintain NC for a long long time.

You don't want him anymore, the day he chose to break up with you, he already doesn't want to be with you. If he truly wants you, he won't break up with you for real.

No body knows the future if there's any chance of reconciliation, however I will suggest you not to think of reconciliation because the little hope you hold in your heart will only hinder your personal healing process and you will be able to open your heart fully to accept new and better things coming into your life.

Whenever a door closes, a new door opens for you. However this new door can only be seen by you when you truly convinced yourself to open your heart to move on.

Whatever both of you used to do and have together were past, those no longer represent what is happening today.

If you will like to start doing strict NC, you may wish to read one of my thread on how to get into NC Mood.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271118/

April 3, 2011

Hey.. Thanks also for your reply. It really does help alot, im just not very strong minded and havnt got alot of will power and when it comes to advice, I can give it but never take my own!

I dont understand the hassle of the gf thing either. He just decided he didnt want a relatipnship and wont have one until 5 years times apparantly!... Like I said before he likes to do his own thing and if we had plans to do something that night but then his mates asked him to do something too he would want to cancel our plans and go with them but knows that he can't and so he wouldn't. So that's why he wants to do what he wants when he wants and not have the hassle of a gf telling him this or that. Thats what I think anyway :-/

Its true what they say that guys run away from problems instead of just resolving them! If there was a problem or he felt unhappy about something he wouldn't say anything and it would just build up and the only way to fix it would to just walk away and pretend there was nothing wrong in the first place but on this occasion he vented and broke it off instead of discussing and sorting out what he is afraid of etc. In our relationship it would be moving in together (he wasnt ready but didnt tell me!) and the bickering (he never told me it got to him soo much or anything) and him being with his mates whenever he wants (he wanted to be with his mates whenever he wanted and that would be every weekend) and he would even get annoyed of the fact I was watching my programs on tv instead of football. He never told me that he was unhappy with this so it led to him avoiding the situation and it becoming worse for him so it led to him breaking it off as he thought that was the best possible route for him to go down :-(

Yes.. I am sorta doing NC for hope of us. I read things on the internet and forums and I get hope!

I had a plan to go NC for a month or so and then message him to get talkin again and maybe meet up. But things could change within/after that month though and I may have a totally different outlook on life and perspective of him!

With the NC how can we just speak casually a couple of times a week and then suddenly I dont reply to him what so ever. Wont he think 'well stuff you then if you wont talk to me'? Or wont he just ignore me if I ever see him out (we pretty much go out on the weekend to similiar places etc. Its the norm where I live).

If he continues to txt me do I just ignore them completely and never respond to him again? This moment in time that seems like it can't be possible for me to do! :-(

Any advice for my last meet with him tomorrow for him to show me his car and get my stuff back?

P.s deleteing him from facebook and not contacting him very often is helping me and I dont check my phone as much as I used too.

April 3, 2011

OP, why do you even want him back?

April 3, 2011

OP, why do you even want him back?

I love him.. :-/

April 3, 2011

Ever sat down and thought about what it is about him that makes you love him?

April 3, 2011

"Thanks also for your reply. It really does help alot, im just not very strong minded and havnt got alot of will power and when it comes to advice, I can give it but never take my own!"

No worries We are human beings, at times we are vulnerable. You will find your strong will power. I agree with you in giving advice but hard to take on own, I went through the ups and downs until I finally convinced myself I don't have to hurt myself anymore.

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"I dont understand the hassle of the gf thing either. He just decided he didnt want a relatipnship and wont have one until 5 years times apparantly!... Like I said before he likes to do his own thing and if we had plans to do something that night but then his mates asked him to do something too he would want to cancel our plans and go with them but knows that he can't and so he wouldn't. So that's why he wants to do what he wants when he wants and not have the hassle of a gf telling him this or that. Thats what I think anyway :-/"

I can imagine and understand the shock and hurt you had when he told you the hassle of the gf thing. It is really shocking for a guy to say this. 5 years relationship is long, however it is not long enough to hinder your healing process because of that.

I was with my bf for near 3 years and around 2 years plus, he had to travel to another country to study for 6 years, so our rs became long distance rs. We discuss about getting engaged and even bought the engagement rings together. Planned to get engaged end of this year, though previously he postponed them a few times because he wasn't ready or crash with some of his personal plans. Therefore, when we decided to do it end of this year, I was truly overjoyed. However, last year October 2010, about 8 months into long distance relationship he broke up with me over skype video and I went through a great series of tornado and roller coasting emotional outbreaks.

Then I realize, the number of years of a relationship is never a issue and a matter because if a guy is truly truly committed to us, they wouldn't let us go so easily even without working things out, not even once to try to work out.

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" Yes.. I am sorta doing NC for hope of us. I read things on the internet and forums and I get hope!

I had a plan to go NC for a month or so and then message him to get talkin again and maybe meet up. But things could change within/after that month though and I may have a totally different outlook on life and perspective of him!"

Personally, I do believe in reconciliation and second change relationships. However, at this point of time, the best for oneself is really not to hold any hopes that he will come back.

You don't have to do anything to hope he come back, you don't have to think that he will come back. Let him be the one to initiate the contact and sincere actions to move you.

By then if he initiate and do actions to woo you back, you will be able to think with your head clearly if he is worth to be with again and is this relationship ready for reconciliation.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"With the NC how can we just speak casually a couple of times a week and then suddenly I dont reply to him what so ever. Wont he think 'well stuff you then if you wont talk to me'? Or wont he just ignore me if I ever see him out (we pretty much go out on the weekend to similiar places etc. Its the norm where I live)."

With NC, don't talk to him at all, not even casual topics because by doing so you are sending him a message you don't mind about the break up and you don't feel hurt at all and it also giving him the power to feel less guilty of breaking up with you.

The worse thing is you will feel very hurt and upset still over the break up. Maybe you can ask yourself this, will you be able to talk to him casually like what you do when you talk your friends?

I understand you will want to get back your stuff from him and a meeting with him may have to be done, I will give my personal views on this below.

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" If he continues to txt me do I just ignore them completely and never respond to him again? This moment in time that seems like it can't be possible for me to do! :-("

Ignore him even if he talk to you now because I believe he is not talking consistently anything about, "I want to be with you again, I really want to work things out with you, those that make our relationship broken". I can understand to ignore our love for years is the hardest thing to do, however right now, don't use your heart to think, use your mind to think. Think logically.

It was a struggle to me too when I had to go strict NC not to contact my ex-bf. So every day I manage not to talk to him, I told myself, "See, you can do it, whether you are putting your heart and mind into it only." I went full and strict NC by deleting him off my mobile number, bbm, skype, msn messenger. I delete and block him from my facebook. I hate it initially i can remember his mobile number, therefore in order to stop myself from contacting him, I put my phone faraway from me until I had to ask my dad to help me to call my phone to locate its location in the house.Day by day, i got better, day by day I was convinced I can do it, I can live my life as usual and happier without talking to him, without him in my life. I still remember his mobile number, but I no longer have the urge to contact him anymore.

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"Any advice for my last meet with him tomorrow for him to show me his car and get my stuff back?"

My suggestion for the lasting meeting:

Meet him for a short time of period, definitely less than half an hour, if you can do it, keep it up to 15 minutes or less will be even better.

When you meet him last time to collect your stuff back, don't mention anything about the relationship, don't mention anything about what you guys once had, don't mention anything about the break up, and definitely nothing about your feelings and what you are going to do.

I'm not really sure what's going out with seeing his car? Do you mean he buys a new car and is showing you? If this is so, decline him nicely, get your stuff and make your way out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"P.s deleteing him from facebook and not contacting him very often is helping me and I dont check my phone as much as I used too."

This is awesome, keep it up Oh, you don't want to contact him anymore. ^_^

Edited April 3, 2011 by Fufu

April 3, 2011

I love him.. :-/

I love my ex-bf alot too, however I will not make myself sad, depressed, angry, confused over by what he had done to me.

April 3, 2011

OP-

If you are worried about hurting his feelings, just tell him why you are going into NC. Some people on here say just go into NC, don't say anything. But I really don't believe in that, if you guys are on good terms.

I told my Ex I was going into NC, and he understood why. He was also very aware that his contact was hurting me and delaying my healing- so trust me, he knows what he is doing. He is keeping you at arms reach, and right now you are "Plan B". He is using you for sex and to have his emotional needs met. So just tell him, perhaps we can be friends in the future, but this contact is delaying my healing, I am looking for a committed relationship and right now I know that is something you cannot offer me.

He wanted space, yet he is still in your life. Give him that space, let him see what life is like without you. If you stay in the picture, he is just going to get over you sooner- you are actually helping him get over you by being his emotional crutch.

If you don't do this now, this could drag out for over a year, and then what are you going to do when he meets someone else? It will be day 1 all over again.

Do this for you, first and foremost, protect yourself.

April 3, 2011

Im really sorry to hear about you and your ex-bf. How could he do that and especially over skype? I just don't understand men sometimes :-/ A tleast you got through it :-)

I wasnt with my ex for 5 years.. was with him for nearly 2 but he told me his doesnt want a gf for 5 years! You are completely right with the commitment to the relationship :-/

I have to try and not hold any hopes in him coming back. I know full well that at this point in time he won't come back to me.. he is having fun living the single life but with me still around.

I can talk casually with him now but that it because it has been going on for so long he thinks we are friends who are in contact romantically. I cant conintue on to be friends with him but he doesnt know this as ive said quite a few time its the last time im going to see him or speak to him and Ive even made an ultimatum but never kept to it!

When I mentioned about the 'How can we speak casually a couple of times and then nothing?' I meant it as how can we suddenly go from speaking casually and eht hinks everything is all good, he doesnt feel guilty about the break up and he prefers his life now. To me suddenly not replying to his messages. Wont he think im being really rude and not being the same person as I sed to be or anything like that? I dont want to push him further away :-/ What if he sees me out and about and he ignores me or he has had a few drinks and comes up and speaks to me. I cant ignore him then. I did that once and he stormed off with his mates and then ignored me for the whole night but then I felt horrible doing that :-(

Did your ex stop contacting you after a while? Or did he not contact you at al form the beginning? :-/

My ex and the car. Well he has bought a new car thats why he couldn't buy me this necklace so he wants to come see me tomorrow to show me his car. But yea ill just make small little non-responsive talk, grab my stuff and go. What will be hard is if he txts me after. Ill prob respond with one last thing like night and then thats it!

Ho hum... :-(

April 3, 2011

Ever sat down and thought about what it is about him that makes you love him?

After you said this I tried sooo hard to think what it is that makes me love him and I dont have a clue. What I think it is is the feeling of being alone and not have some1 there emotionally with me. Im really attracted to him physically and he has somewhat of a great personality, yes the flaws probably overpower the good things about him. so I really just don't know.

Its just harder because he doesn't want me in that sense..

April 3, 2011

OP-
If you are worried about hurting his feelings, just tell him why you are going into NC. Some people on here say just go into NC, don't say anything. But I really don't believe in that, if you guys are on good terms.

I told my Ex I was going into NC, and he understood why. He was also very aware that his contact was hurting me and delaying my healing- so trust me, he knows what he is doing. He is keeping you at arms reach, and right now you are "Plan B". He is using you for sex and to have his emotional needs met. So just tell him, perhaps we can be friends in the future, but this contact is delaying my healing, I am looking for a committed relationship and right now I know that is something you cannot offer me.

He wanted space, yet he is still in your life. Give him that space, let him see what life is like without you. If you stay in the picture, he is just going to get over you sooner- you are actually helping him get over you by being his emotional crutch.

If you don't do this now, this could drag out for over a year, and then what are you going to do when he meets someone else? It will be day 1 all over again.

Do this for you, first and foremost, protect yourself.

Yea I think I need to tell him... Because I can't just suddenly be on speaking terms and speaking like we are an item all cutesy to each other and then just out of the blue ignore him. But then he will know the reason why im no talking to him and won't want to talk to me again.

Ok well when I meet him ill say this is my last bye for good..

Me being his emotional crutch.. never thought of this in that way, I thought me being in his life will not help him get over me because im just simply there.

Im just scared that he will actually be gone for good and there will be no hope..

Edited April 3, 2011 by xbexy87x

April 3, 2011

Yea I think I need to tell him... Because I can't just suddenly be on speaking terms and speaking like we are an item all cutesy to each other and then just out of the blue ignore him. But then he will know the reason why im no talking to him and won't want to talk to me again.
Ok well when I meet him ill say this is my last bye for good..

Me being his emotional crutch.. never thought of this in that way, I thought me being in his life will not help him get over me because im just simply there.

Im just scared that he will actually be gone for good and there will be no hope..

If he knows you, understands you, and cares about you- he will let you go. There will be no reason for him to be mad at you. Just be honest, tell him contact is difficult for you because there are some residual feelings that are getting in the way of a friendship. That you would like to be his friend, but you need some time to heal.

He may very well break contact after a week or 2, but it doesn't mean you have to. And as long as you explain why you are doing it, he shouldn't be upset and should respect your need for some time/space.

Right now you are sacrificing your wants and needs for his, and you are going to pay the emotional price for it later. Don't settle for being his backup. Right now he gets an ego boost from your "friendship", he knows you want more but he's not willing to give it. This will serve as a confidence booster for him as he goes out and meets other women.

You need to take that power away from him. It's not even about games or anything, it's about drawing a line in the sand about what you are willing and not willing to accept.

April 3, 2011

Nc nc nc nc nc

April 4, 2011

Hey, I kind of feel like I am reading my own story here...Really, my ex said pretty much the same things to you as he did to me....Also, he didn't want the 'hassle' of a girlfriend as he wanted to do other things but felt he could never say no to me. He did literally give everything up for me then realized he couldn't continue as he wasn't happy........

So, I remained in contact with ex. We speak on the phone every few days sice break up and have met up and spent time together doing things we shouldn't. Eventually, last weekend I called off our friendship in that regard and said I can't see him for a few weeks. I told him not to call or text me yesterday. It was really hard and we emeiled a bit last night, then today I thought about it and realised it is so much harder to go cold turkey as I was constantly thinking about the fact I could not talk to him. So today we spoke and realised its too hard not to talk to each other as we really do have a strong friendship.

I suggest that you do not sleep with him or spend time with him. Its so unhealthy and you will not recover. I think the odd text/email is okay but try to limit it and focus on other things.....After all the time we spent together I am finding it hard to let go now and it feels like we broke up all over again yesterday..Its not worth it. Just tell him you can't meet him, if he cares about you he will honor it.....

So, right now we are in limited contact. I know if I ever REALLY need to talk to him or send him an email I can. I know I will get a response so I don't feel bitter and resentful. I think that knowing I can reach out eases the pain, I also know that he is weaning himself off me like I am him. So if you really want to make things work, I would suggest strict NC! This way he will miss you and it will hit him. This way you will see if he really does want to make things. In my situation I realize that I am helping him get over me which is sad and not what I want but i guess I do need to get over him and this way is easier than trying to force myself into not talking to him ever..

How are you feeling now? I found this site useful as its nice to vent......

April 5, 2011

Anna86 - Wow, there must be alot of guys out there who don't like the commitment or never like to resolve the problems so find an easy way out!

You really can't do NC? Do you want him back? Or you happy enough to be just friends because once you find out he is sleeping around or is seeing somebody you will get crushed so much :-(

Maybe if there was somebody who would do it with you, it might help you through it better and stick to it?!

Because like you've said to me, they still have you around and are getting over you by you being there and sleeping with you, like their emotional crutch so they dont have the chance to miss you at all. You should take your advice!

P.s I am finding this site very useful and are interested in what people say and greatful for the advice

Edited April 5, 2011 by xbexy87x

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