hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) I first want to thank this community, you all have help me with a lot of things running through my mind the last month or so. I've found many situations similar to mine, but I want to add mine so it can hopefully help someone else some day. Here goes. I've been married to my wife for 13 years. We have 4 awesome kids. We were married very young due to her getting pregnant while we were in college. We decided to get married, because thats what Christian people do. Both of us were way to young and were not ready for this journey, but we dove in head first. I was unfaithful to her 3 times throughout these 13 years. Once within the 1st 3 years of our marriage and 2 more times 6 or 7 years ago. She had always suspected something, but I could never be honest with her. First it was complete denial. Then I told her I did a little more, never completely telling her everything. (what a mistake!!!) This has tore her up for all of these years and she finally got to her breaking point and told me that she cannot stand to be in the marriage if she cannot trust me and wants to separate. We are in DC, but are from Missouri, which is where she and our kids will be going. I broke down HARD. I told her everything that I've done to her. Every single bit. For the first time in my life, I opened up to her in a way like never before. Now I am desperately trying to save this marriage. I know that if she moves back to MO with our kids, that our chances of making it are VERY slim. I've got us set up for a marriage counselor next week. Which I finally got her to agree on. She was dead set last week that she was leaving. I am also going to attend individual counseling on my own as is she. I think this is a very small step in the right direction. I cannot mess this up and really need advice on how I should act during this time. She was going to wait until the kids got out of school before leaving, so that gives me close to 3 months to find a way to save us!!!!! There are times where she wants to talk to me, but times not at all. There are times she wants to have sex, and of course I welcome it, but am afraid it will make things worse. I just want her to know that I am completely dedicated to her now.(Is having sex a bad thing in the situation????) I just hope its not too late!!! Separation is not an option for me!!! What can I do for the next couple of months to be the husband and father I want to be, but also give her the space she needs to figure things out?? HELP PLEASE!!! I can't think, I cant work, I cant eat. Edited April 1, 2011 by hamiltonjm
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Well a women having sex with her husband after he confessed 3 seperate affairs suggests to me that there is more than a good chance of you two saving your marriage because for a lot of women, sex is very emotional, this suggests she is still emotionally invested in you. There are SOME women who can have sex without an emotional element to it, but personally most of my girlfriends display emotion in the way I describe when we discuss such things. I guess it depends on whther she is still emotionally connected to you and also whether she can bring herself to ever trust you again, which is going to be very hard for her so I would suggest patience on your part.
Author hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 We are both very emotionally connected to each other. She is scared to death to trust me again and does not know if she can get over all of it. She did cheat on me as well while I was deployed, but admitted it a few months after I returned. It was the fact that I could not be honest with her that has caused so much damage. I am trying to tread as lightly as I can to not make things worse, but I love her so much, that any time a smile, or a touch, or any loving gesture is made my way, I completely take it to the next level, or want to talk her ear off, and then we take 2 steps back again.
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 She's agreed to MC, you two are still emotionally connected and she has cheated in the past as well. I would say you have a good chance but you have to be patient, oh and remorseful, are you remorseful?
Author hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Very. She knows that I am sorry. Almost to the point of annoyance. I just think I am overdoing things and have to try to slow down. I just don't want to lose her. She believes I am sincere, but is not sure if she can get over everything that has been done.
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Ok, I just asked because you started out your post with "we got married young and etc" then went on to say about the affairs, it sounded like you were trying to justify them. Just my take, perhaps that is not how you meant it. I think you just have to patient then and maybe tell her if you are over doing it you are sorry and explain why, ie that you are anxious because you really want to work this out becaus eyou love her so much. You could even say to her, just tell me to back if you need to.
Author hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) Ok, I just asked because you started out your post with "we got married young and etc" then went on to say about the affairs, it sounded like you were trying to justify them. Just my take, perhaps that is not how you meant it. I think you just have to patient then and maybe tell her if you are over doing it you are sorry and explain why, ie that you are anxious because you really want to work this out becaus eyou love her so much. You could even say to her, just tell me to back if you need to. You are exactly right. We did get married young, but those are not excuses for my infidelity. Was just trying to sum up a very long story. I don't know my boundaries, but neither does she. It's very confusing. Edited April 1, 2011 by hamiltonjm
willowthewisp Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Well my situation was very different from yours, my ex was committment phobic I think, he left after 20 years right after we finally booked our wedding. There was no relationship breakdown, no red flags, no signs of problems or him being unhappy, not loss of affection, no behavioural changes until the last 5 days or so. He started to act very strange said he was having anxiety attacks. The reason I am telling you is that I reacted like you are in some ways. I paniced and tried to get him to talk, open up, kept asking if he was OK, if he still wanted to get married etc. In hindsight, although in my case it would not have made a blind bit of difference because he would have gone anyway, unable to look at himself he decided I was the source of his anxiety, I still can see my anxiety. I know it is hard not to act upon that, but you really do have to say to yourself that worrying is not going to achieve anything. Pushing is not going to achieve anything. In fact it may make things worse if she starts to feel hemmed in and see you as desperate. I never really understand this but having gone through all this, one thing that is said over and over on here is to not beg, because people don't like needy, desperate people, it's a turn off. Personally, don't get that because I don't think of people like that, I would just see someone in pain, but it seems to be a recurring theme, so something for you to bear in mind. Worrying, pushing is not going to acheive anything, so it's pointless, expand your energy on things that CAN help achieve your goals, like the MC and post on here for support or when you feel like you need to push with your wife.
Author hamiltonjm Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Thank you for that. And I will. lol.. I will probably have a complete running diary on this thread of emotions every night after she goes to bed in our bed and makes me leave. Or after we have sex, THEN makes me leave!!! Thank you for your words.
Author hamiltonjm Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 Yeah. So another cold night in another room. We did take a trip out to the store and were able to talk. It was nice being with her in that way. Anyway, I am going to try and distance myself from her today.
Frank13 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think this whole thing is a disaster on the brink of total desrruction. Three affairs, both cheaters, no trust. If someone described how a marriage should never be, they would use yours as an example. I don't think there is anything worth saving.
WorldIsYours Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I think this whole thing is a disaster on the brink of total desrruction. Three affairs, both cheaters, no trust. If someone described how a marriage should never be, they would use yours as an example. I don't think there is anything worth saving. Right. Time to divorce and let the kids be in a productive environment, not an unstable relationship full of infidelity and hypocritical resentment.
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