just_some_guy Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'm closing in on the final settlement. There's just a little more paperwork to do and it is all over after more than a year now since I moved out. I'm still experiencing some emotional trouble from her suicide attempt in December. I have to say, being the one that had to take of saving her life and getting her into the hospital took a hell of a lot out of me. One of my last interactions with her included a "...I know my actions are my responsibility...but I wouldn't have done this if you...." Sigh. Although with time, things have gotten better for me and I've had a lot of counseling. But trusting people enough to let them close to me is very difficult. I still feel a lot of need for isolation. There's a certain kind of assumed trust that I think we all feel with the people around us, that they are not going to do harm to us or themselves. It is just a basic assumption, so that we can feel safe interacting with people. In the wake of the suicide attempt, that assumption of trust is now gone. I don't trust and I feel the need to keep people distant from me. If someone gets too close, I push them away. Since the attempt, there have been a couple of women who wanted to get closer to me and when I realized it was happening, basically freaked out and pushed them hard away. It was almost like the reaction from drowning. Clearly, I'm not ready for anything closer than friends, and not even close friends. There's a lot of damage inside, hurt, anger and fear.
lightoftruth83 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 First off, I feel like I'm a post-hog tonight lol. I do my best thinking late at night and I've been posting on everyone's threads tonight... Don't feel crazy for pushing people away...it's your brain's way of telling you that you still need time to sort out what the hell happened, and for you to come to some sort of terms with it. If you read a lot of my posts, it may sound odd that I can identify with a lot of people, but that's just because I was married to a guy who was different every day of the week. And, yes, he attempted suicide. I got the call from the hospital while I was transporting a patient on my ambulance. I remember that call to this day, I remember walking through our old condo and seeing the aftermath of what had happened, I remember the first time I walked through the doors of the mental health division... It's been 3 years now since that day...but I am nowhere near letting people completely in...and nowhere near moving into a new relationship. It's ok. I'm still recovering from a lot of messed up scenarios. And you're ok too (not that some girl 3000 miles away telling you this makes it official or anything lol) Peace & Love j
updown Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 i have to agree. from my seat you are totally normal. i want to trust people, but i just can't. even friends. everything is so raw. your feelings are not alone. you are not alone. i have no idea how long this takes to deal with. i'm working on it with someone too. i've pushed a lot of people away. it's just easier. safer.
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