Why Do Women Do This? What Is The Point?

[threebyfate]

When a girl tells you she's dating someone else, it's a big social cue that she's not interested in you.

 

I sometimes wonder if many members are slightly autistic.

[fortyninethousand322]

Absolutely. Any man, until he learns this fact, will find the dating world extremely confusing, and most likely will be unable to get any traction.

 

Although I would make one modification. When a woman expresses interest in you, unless you find her repulsive, you should immediately express interest right back, while you figure out what she wants, and if you are even interested in her. If you don't like her motive, or if you decide you're not interested in her after all, you could always stop flirting.

 

This is like shaking hands. Someone reaches out for a handshake, you shake it, unless you don't want to have anything to do with the person. Same deal. A woman flirts with you, so you flirt back, whether you meant it or not doesn't matter. It's just a handshake.

 

A big part of dating, in the beginning, is the ability to operate effectively while the signals are unclear. So if you're worried about getting the signals crossed and therefore you don't react, then you're not playing. If you don't play, you don't win.

 

I agree with the bolded part. However, I've had enough women give me unclear signals who turned out to not be interested. At this point a girl would probably have to hang up a neon sign saying she's interested for me to flirt with her. It's like a guy thirsty in the desert who sees a cool fresh spring. He's going to assume it's a mirage until he actually drinks the water.

[fishtaco]

I agree with the bolded part. However, I've had enough women give me unclear signals who turned out to not be interested. At this point a girl would probably have to hang up a neon sign saying she's interested for me to flirt with her. It's like a guy thirsty in the desert who sees a cool fresh spring. He's going to assume it's a mirage until he actually drinks the water.

 

Why don't you flirt back for fun then? It's good practice.

[dreamingoftigers]

When a girl tells you she's dating someone else, it's a big social cue that she's not interested in you.

 

I sometimes wonder if many members are slightly autistic.

 

I have known some girls to play this weird game. Actually more then I care to know.

 

As well the volume of email and text seems to be out of line with the situation.

 

I don't blame OP for being confused. Poor boundaries on her part I think.

[fortyninethousand322]

Why don't you flirt back for fun then? It's good practice.

 

I lack the self confidence to do so. I'm just being honest.

[threebyfate]

I have known some girls to play this weird game. Actually more then I care to know.

 

As well the volume of email and text seems to be out of line with the situation.

 

I don't blame OP for being confused. Poor boundaries on her part I think.

It doesn't matter what game she's playing. If she tells him she's already dating another or is in a relationship, it's only his ego that let's him believe he has a chance. That's a serious problem amongst men and women. Over-inflated ego to believe that you can or should compete. For that matter, someone being friendly and flirty doesn't necessarily mean they want to date you, particularly if they've already told you they're dating someone else.

[fishtaco]

When a girl tells you she's dating someone else, it's a big social cue that she's not interested in you.

 

I sometimes wonder if many members are slightly autistic.

 

Many women, especially those types that continue to flirt even after she has a date, most likely date casually. If she's hot, I'd throw my hat in the ring and try to have sex with her too, I don't care who she's dating.

 

As far as I'm concerned, judging by the info in the first post, she's just going on a date. What's wrong with wanting a date too? I want my piece of the pie too, I don't want to stand around watch other guys do it.

 

But I would agree with you that once I hear that, the calculation of probability in my mind would lower drastically, and I may have bailed out instead of going all the way to force a resolution. Outcome would be the same anyway. I'd ignore her and not use her personal training services.

 

So I'd say, inexperienced instead of autistic, but that's just me.

 

It's the battle of the minds. The game is to throw out a lot of misinformation, in order to control the ambiguity zone and use it to your favor. When you lose to that, you just got out played that's all. Be smarter next time. People that are not naturals have to learn from zero. It's not easy.

 

But again, OP had the presence of mind to force a resolution instead of playing the sucker for three months. So sure, he didn't see it coming, he needs to be more jaded and cynical about these sort of things in the future, you're absolutely right. But I think he learned his lesson. And the price was pretty low. He was never in sucker land. Not too shabby I'd say.

 

I lack the self confidence to do so. I'm just being honest.

 

If you know what the problem is, then you should fix it.

 

Ironically, the most direct way to fix your confidence issue is to go out and flirt. Start with practice girls. This is exactly what this topic is about. When you flirt, you have your own motives. It does not necessarily mean you are interested. For you, your motive would be for practice to build up self confidence.

[threebyfate]

Many women, especially those types that continue to flirt even after she has a date, most likely date casually. If she's hot, I'd throw my hat in the ring and try to have sex with her too, I don't care who she's dating.

 

As far as I'm concerned, judging by the info in the first post, she's just going on a date. What's wrong with wanting a date too? I want my piece of the pie too, I don't want to stand around watch other guys do it.

 

But I would agree with you that once I hear that, the calculation of probability in my mind would lower drastically, and I may have bailed out instead of going all the way to force a resolution. Outcome would be the same anyway. I'd ignore her and not use her personal training services.

 

So I'd say, inexperienced instead of autistic, but that's just me.

 

It's the battle of the minds. The game is to throw out a lot of misinformation, in order to control the ambiguity zone and use it to your favor. When you lose to that, you just got out played that's all. Be smarter next time. People that are not naturals have to learn from zero. It's not easy.

 

But again, OP had the presence of mind to force a resolution instead of playing the sucker for three months. So sure, he didn't see it coming, he needs to be more jaded and cynical about these sort of things in the future, you're absolutely right. But I think he learned his lesson. And the price was pretty low. He was never in sucker land. Not too shabby I'd say.

There was mutual usage so he's no innocent party. He wanted into her pants so he played along and then his ego got hurt when she called his game. So then he cut off her services since he didn't get what he wanted from her.

 

To paint him as naive is disingenuous, to say the least.

[fishtaco]

There was mutual usage so he's no innocent party. He wanted into her pants so he played along and then his ego got hurt when she called his game. So then he cut off her services since he didn't get what he wanted from her.

 

To paint him as naive is disingenuous, to say the least.

 

Ok, I agree. Point taken. But then autistic isn't exactly the right word either.

 

Although I would say he called HER game. Because she wanted to keep it in the ambiguous zone to drum up business, and he called her bluff.

 

Mutual usage, sure. The only difference a more experienced person would have done was to bail out sooner, like I mentioned, because to them, they would have collected enough information earlier to justify ending this association, as opposed to having to push it all the way.

 

The worst case for the OP would be to be the sucker for months. He didn't do that. I thought it was alright.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

If you know what the problem is, then you should fix it.

 

Ironically, the most direct way to fix your confidence issue is to go out and flirt. Start with practice girls. This is exactly what this topic is about. When you flirt, you have your own motives. It does not necessarily mean you are interested. For you, your motive would be for practice to build up self confidence.

 

What I need to do is forget my past failures. I used to be extremely confident and outgoing around women but I've let failures discourage me. I don't think I can be confident if I keep thinking about the past. But, all of this is easier said than done.

[threebyfate]

Ok, I agree. Point taken. But then autistic isn't exactly the right word either.

 

Although I would say he called HER game. Because she wanted to keep it in the ambiguous zone to drum up business, and he called her bluff.

 

Mutual usage, sure. The only difference a more experienced person would have done was to bail out sooner, like I mentioned, because to them, they would have collected enough information earlier to justify ending this association, as opposed to having to push it all the way.

 

The worst case for the OP would be to be the sucker for months. He didn't do that. I thought it was alright.

Straight up fishtaco, tincanman has some issues and shouldn't be enabled from this perspective. Take a look at his last foray into the dating world which included starting a million threads about someone who he's never asked out, nevermind actually dating her even once.

 

He plays this flirty game where he waits it out and doesn't ask women out to begin with and then plays the victim when it doesn't pan his way. There's like a disconnect between what he perceives and what might actually be happening.

 

Either that or his "targets" aren't realistic or healthy choices.

[fishtaco]

What I need to do is forget my past failures. I used to be extremely confident and outgoing around women but I've let failures discourage me. I don't think I can be confident if I keep thinking about the past. But, all of this is easier said than done.

 

Everyone gets failures. Everyone has a percentage floating above their heads. There are things you can do to slightly increase that number, but for the most part, it's there, and it's significantly less than 100%, for everyone that's not rich and famous.

 

I would just take things very casually, and shrug when things don't work out. Walk in with an understanding that this may or may not work out. But you have to keep doing it. It's like working out. If you stop working out, your athletic performance will decrease.

 

I just recently came back on the market, unfortunately. But I have to do what I have to do. I plan on hitting up on these two women. They are both very beautiful. One seemed closed off, other seemed materialistic. So we'll see how things go. I may bounce off the first one's guard wall, and be weeded out by the second one due to the fact that I don't dress like a rich guy. But dammit, I'm going to try anyway. And should I bomb out, I have plans of where to go, and how to schedule my time, to devote into meeting more women.

 

So have a plan. Have a couple of plans. Plan for failure. For me when I know what to do, when I have a plan in place, it makes me less anxious of failure; it becomes more of a possibility that I had already foreseen and made arrangements for.

 

Straight up fishtaco, tincanman has some issues and shouldn't be enabled from this perspective. Take a look at his last foray into the dating world which included starting a million threads about someone who he's never asked out, nevermind actually dating her even once.

 

He plays this flirty game where he waits it out and doesn't ask women out to begin with and then plays the victim when it doesn't pan his way. There's like a disconnect between what he perceives and what might actually be happening.

 

Either that or his "targets" aren't realistic or healthy choices.

 

I'm not going to disagree with you on these points, because I never paid attention to his history. My posts were specifically scoped to within this thread. I'm not sure if I'm enabling anything. Maybe I am, but that's not my intention. I'm merely calling out the fact that flirting can have many different probable motives. And don't be a sucker. And one way out of the ambiguous zone is to directly go for what you want, so they have no choice but to respond one way or another. I believe my points are reasonable and they make sense.

Edited April 3, 2011 by fishtaco

[threebyfate]

I'm not going to disagree with you on these points, because I never paid attention to his history. My posts were specifically scoped to within this thread. I'm not sure if I'm enabling anything. Maybe I am, but that's not my intention. I'm merely calling out the fact that flirting can have many different probable motives. And don't be a sucker. And one way out of the ambiguous zone is to directly go for what you want, so they have no choice but to respond one way or another. I believe my points are reasonable and they make sense.

I don't disagree with the bolded, one bit. Where I disagree is that this guy wasn't a victim, which you've openly agreed with.

 

It takes two to tango and the more reasonable individual wouldn't be pissed when he too was putting down game to get into her pants.

[fishtaco]

I don't disagree with the bolded, one bit. Where I disagree is that this guy wasn't a victim, which you've openly agreed with.

 

It takes two to tango and the more reasonable individual wouldn't be pissed when he too was putting down game to get into her pants.

 

Oh I get it. I think you're responding to other people's posts and maybe even the general attitude of this thread, not necessarily my posts, although you are responding to my posts.

 

Sure. I agree. They both lost. He didn't get a date, and she didn't get a client. But it's just part of the game.

 

When it comes to things like this, my message usually is the same.

 

1) This is just how it is

2) This is what you do to play defense/get out of the situation

3) And yes! You can do the same thing when it benefits you too!

 

I believe my attitude has been the same in this thread.

 

If I was "defending" the OP, it's not that he's a victim, but that it takes time for people to learn these things. You can't expect people to go from beginner to expert right away, unless they are naturals. He's on his way, no need to call him autistic. But you are right, he played and he lost, that's just how it is. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

[zengirl]

Situations like this are exactly the reason why whenever a girl show me any kind of attention or expresses interest I immediately start questioning her motives and only rarely after serious thought express interest back. If you assume no one is interested you can't get your signals crossed.

 

This seems rather extreme. Why not just be honest and upfront about your interest. Learning to accept rejection and that it happens and that it's really not a huge deal, especially if it's somebody you just met, is a pretty important part of life.

 

When a girl tells you she's dating someone else, it's a big social cue that she's not interested in you.

 

I sometimes wonder if many members are slightly autistic.

 

Yes. Wouldn't go so far as to say autistic, but this is what I was trying to say about not sure she was even really flirting or if the OP is a good judge.

[MexicanBillBacker]

A while back a trainer at the gym started flirting with me. My trainer who is a woman said watch out, all she wants is to take you as a client.

 

Anyway it continued and I was thinking about backing off on her. And than she was really cold to me and I just backed off. Than a few weeks later it started again and I rolled with it.

 

We have become very chummy and friendly and she flirts with me non-stop. Its been going on for weeks. We made an agreement where she would provide coaching to me as my trainer is pregnant and is leaving. Not personal training per say but just help organize my workouts.

 

So she is getting really friendly with me. Starts telling me about some guy she had dated, a child, he is a cop and is a prize of the worst kind. Than the next thing you know she is telling me she is going on a date with a guy from the gym she just met. So I said the heck with it and threw my hat in the ring.

 

I told her I think she is beautiful and that I am incredibly attracted to her. Let me take you to dinner, I will treat you right.

 

Than I got the friend speech. I just want to keep it friendly and professional, blah, blah.

 

All this crap and I just sat there and let it go. I was like ok. I was thinking I dont need to be another male friend that she treats like a female friend. I have no interest in this.

 

She walked away with me from where I was and wished me a good weekend and than I left without saying goodbye to her. Whatever...

 

On my way home I get this text from her:

 

"Yes I was embarrssed and flattered, but would rather keep things professional and friendly. I hope this doesn't change anything, but appreciate your honesty!"

 

Was she just fishing for business, love the attention or all of the above?

 

If you have no interest in me than leave me alone, dont come over, flirt with me non-stop, invade my space, email all the time and than do this.

 

What is the point? Just leave me alone.

 

 

 

You don't need a personal trainer...Just tell me your goals and I'll train you on love shack for free.

[fortyninethousand322]

This seems rather extreme. Why not just be honest and upfront about your interest. Learning to accept rejection and that it happens and that it's really not a huge deal, especially if it's somebody you just met, is a pretty important part of life.

 

 

I realize it's probably not healthy or logical to assume every girl is not interested, and I've been rejected and I've lived, so I have accepted that rejection happens. However, thus far only one girl has ever expressed genuine interest in me (and just my luck I was unable to do anything with it). All others acted interested but weren't. So, in my experience, it's best to assume they aren't interested and not get one's hopes up.

[dispatch3d]

I agree more with your last post zengirl.