HopelessR Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I am so confused by this guy!! We will call him J. We went out on two dates in February. Went well. I liked him, I think he liked me. Never made a move to kiss me. He also works at the same place as me (different bosses though). My friend said he is just very 'gentlemanly'. I ended up going out to a club with friends and him. We danced all night long, and made out a bit. Went out on two dates after that. At work I didn't talk to him much, I am in WORK mode and really don't want to be bothered ... then it kinda fizzled. I invited him out a few times with and without friends and he had excuses. I then got to know him more and realized he is kinda a jerk and decided I was gonna move on. Well last Saturday I went out dancing with friends, we got a hotel room so we could all take cabs. Well the J happens to have a room at this hotel. He is leaving end of March back home (was just here for work). I got DRUNK. I was texting him and telling him to come dance and all this stuff. Well a few of my friends ended leaving the club early. J ended up coming and we danced and whatever. I ended up going back to his room and well we had sex (from what I can remember). It was so embarassing!! I am NOT that type of girl at all, and I am ashamed of myself. I left early the next morning as I had work. Said a quick good bye and that was that. Well that day at work was a bit awkward, I avoided him and just gave a quick smile. He never texted/called nothing and either did I. Last night (thursday) he texts me asking what I'm doing. He said he's out with a friend and that was all ... ummm ok? Today he texts me 'What are you doing tonight?' He is leaving for home tomorrow and won't be back until the fall. I tell him nothing, maybe going to the gym. He never responds. What gives??!! I don't understand what he wants!?? Does he just want to have sex? If so, why isn't he just saying so then!!??
NXS Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 You're sending him so many conflicting messages he doesn't know where he stands with you.
Author HopelessR Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I guess I am so used to being 'chased' and having the guys make the moves. I have tried to ask him out and when he declined four times in a row - I figured I better back off. He is not big on communication (either am I - well just with him, he makes me uncomfortable I guess ...) but he is not a 'texter' or a 'caller'. After my drunk night with him, I was pretty embarrassing. Not to mention I lost my virginity to him ... something he doesn't even know. I felt bad for myself and was mad at myself for having sex with someone who I don't 'love' and who doesn't 'love' me.
heartshaped Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I'll give you a piece of advice. Forget about this guy and cut communication. You said yourself he's a bit of a jerk (and in my experience, someone who is a bit of a jerk is a total jerk), he doesn't seem that interested in you, and he's going back home. He probably just thinks because the two of you slept together that you'll be having sex now- that's all he wants, you're not into that, just cut communication, and move on.
MistaDynamic Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Not to mention I lost my virginity to him ... something he doesn't even know. What guy believes that?
NXS Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I guess I am so used to being 'chased' and having the guys make the moves. I have tried to ask him out and when he declined four times in a row - I figured I better back off. He is not big on communication (either am I - well just with him, he makes me uncomfortable I guess ...) but he is not a 'texter' or a 'caller'. After my drunk night with him, I was pretty embarrassing. Not to mention I lost my virginity to him ... something he doesn't even know. I felt bad for myself and was mad at myself for having sex with someone who I don't 'love' and who doesn't 'love' me. You say you went out on 2 dates (or was it 3) and they went well. Did he ask you out? You also say you basically ignored him in work, well tbh that's sounds cold. I know it's difficult to go out with someone you work with but you also have to try and make the effort to at least be pleasant. If you're going out on dates and then acting cold in work what is he supposed to think? Then you left abruptly after having sex and he hasn't a clue why so he's probably just filling in the blanks - she's playing games and probably does this all the time. Finally on his last night you brushed him off by saying you're probably going to the gym. You say he's a jerk but you haven't really explained why? It seems to me you're infatuated with this guy and neither of you have been communicating very well.
Author HopelessR Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 You say you went out on 2 dates (or was it 3) and they went well. Did he ask you out? You also say you basically ignored him in work, well tbh that's sounds cold. I know it's difficult to go out with someone you work with but you also have to try and make the effort to at least be pleasant. If you're going out on dates and then acting cold in work what is he supposed to think? Then you left abruptly after having sex and he hasn't a clue why so he's probably just filling in the blanks - she's playing games and probably does this all the time. Finally on his last night you brushed him off by saying you're probably going to the gym. You say he's a jerk but you haven't really explained why? It seems to me you're infatuated with this guy and neither of you have been communicating very well. Guess I should have explained more. We rarely see each other at work (different departments), I was polite to him, but we have NOTHING in common. Like we run out of things to talk about. I would ask him how he is doing and such, but he would never ask me about my life or hobbies. In fact, I don't even think he knows much about me!! So it was always awkward talking. When we were alone on a date, dinner, or doing something we had fun, but he always seemed a bit to 'prissy' for me. Name brand everything and judgmental towards others. But for some reason I still kinda liked him ... ? Yes I left abruptly kinda. We got back to his room at like 4:30am. I had to be at work at 7:00am. So I left at 6:00. Found my clothes on the ground and told him I had to leave and that I would see him later. I was ashamed of myself to be honest. I let myself get so drunk and do something stupid. I think I should just be done with him and this. I see it going NO WHERE (even when he does return in the fall I will be moving anyway). Probably why I said 'going to the gym' because then it just ends it. I don't really want to sleep with him again, and have everyone think I am a slut or anything. EVERYONE at work found out, and like always the guys are the studs when they get 'some', but the girl is just a skank. ughhh.
Leeway Harris Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I then got to know him more and realized he is kinda a jerk and decided I was gonna move on. Well last Saturday I went out dancing with friends, we got a hotel room so we could all take cabs. Well the J happens to have a room at this hotel. He is leaving end of March back home (was just here for work). I got DRUNK. I was texting him and telling him to come dance and all this stuff. If he's "kinda a jerk" why did you text him and tell him to come dance and all this stuff? Is he a jerk or not? And what are you so ashamed of? You had sex. People have sex sometimes. If it was your first time I can see why it's a big deal, but it sounds like you got off easy. Lots of people's first times are much, much worse than that. You didn't commit a crime, you don't have to be ashamed of yourself. It's likely that he just wants to have more fun with you, and texted you to see if you were up for it. And if you weren't, you did the right thing by keeping your distance. But what if he wants more than that? So what? You don't want to have sex with him again, and you don't want to date him/be his girlfriend, so whatever he wants, it's not what you want. So why do you care what he wants?!? ETA: Did anyone actually call you a skank, or are you judging yourself a skank? If it was somebody else, forget them. If it's you who thinks you're a skank, stop being so hard on yourself.
NXS Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Guess I should have explained more. We rarely see each other at work (different departments), I was polite to him, but we have NOTHING in common. Like we run out of things to talk about. I would ask him how he is doing and such, but he would never ask me about my life or hobbies. In fact, I don't even think he knows much about me!! So it was always awkward talking. When we were alone on a date, dinner, or doing something we had fun, but he always seemed a bit to 'prissy' for me. Name brand everything and judgmental towards others. But for some reason I still kinda liked him ... ? Yes I left abruptly kinda. We got back to his room at like 4:30am. I had to be at work at 7:00am. So I left at 6:00. Found my clothes on the ground and told him I had to leave and that I would see him later. I was ashamed of myself to be honest. I let myself get so drunk and do something stupid. I think I should just be done with him and this. I see it going NO WHERE (even when he does return in the fall I will be moving anyway). Probably why I said 'going to the gym' because then it just ends it. I don't really want to sleep with him again, and have everyone think I am a slut or anything. EVERYONE at work found out, and like always the guys are the studs when they get 'some', but the girl is just a skank. ughhh. Ok, that makes it a lot clearer than your earlier posts. It seems like you are infatuated with this guy because he's a lot more aloof and quirky than the other guys and possibly very attractive. Also he hasn't done the chasing. The fact that he doesn't ask you questions about yourself should be a red flag. I think you should drop this guy and move on, it was just a physical thing. I also think you're being very hard on yourself about what you done and it will soon be old news in the office. It was a mistake, people make mistakes, it's what makes us human.
Author HopelessR Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 If he's "kinda a jerk" why did you text him and tell him to come dance and all this stuff? Is he a jerk or not? And what are you so ashamed of? You had sex. People have sex sometimes. If it was your first time I can see why it's a big deal, but it sounds like you got off easy. Lots of people's first times are much, much worse than that. You didn't commit a crime, you don't have to be ashamed of yourself. It's likely that he just wants to have more fun with you, and texted you to see if you were up for it. And if you weren't, you did the right thing by keeping your distance. But what if he wants more than that? So what? You don't want to have sex with him again, and you don't want to date him/be his girlfriend, so whatever he wants, it's not what you want. So why do you care what he wants?!? ETA: Did anyone actually call you a skank, or are you judging yourself a skank? If it was somebody else, forget them. If it's you who thinks you're a skank, stop being so hard on yourself. Thanks, he was always nice to me, but seeing him at work he is judgmental and rude to people whom I like and respect, which was a turn off. You are so right! What do I want is the question!! I think I thought he was someone different than I thought. I am new at the whole dating thing (avoided it for years and busy) and I guess have low self-esteem so when I thought he was interested I wanted to 'be' whatever he wanted. Ughh, sounds so dumb now! But I guess I am glad it happened, I have more confidence in myself and know what I want. Which is someone who respects and cares for me, something he does/did not. As for the work thing. Comments were made, looks are given. People saying 'WOW, did not think you were like that at all ...', comments on 'which room i'm stumbling into today' ... it has died down for now, thank goodness. It is a VERY close knit workplace, and drama and gossip spreads faster than wildfire.
Author HopelessR Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Ok, that makes it a lot clearer than your earlier posts. It seems like you are infatuated with this guy because he's a lot more aloof and quirky than the other guys and possibly very attractive. Also he hasn't done the chasing. The fact that he doesn't ask you questions about yourself should be a red flag. I think you should drop this guy and move on, it was just a physical thing. I also think you're being very hard on yourself about what you done and it will soon be old news in the office. It was a mistake, people make mistakes, it's what makes us human. You are dead on! That is why I liked him because he was more aloof, and didn't care and I wanted to find out why or something, I don't know. After the first two dates I was 'bored' I guess but everyone at work said what a great guy he was and how nice we looked together so I gave him more chances, our personalities just do NOT mesh. I will be moving on to better fish. Thanks a lot for your advice and support!
NXS Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 You are dead on! That is why I liked him because he was more aloof, and didn't care and I wanted to find out why or something, I don't know. After the first two dates I was 'bored' I guess but everyone at work said what a great guy he was and how nice we looked together so I gave him more chances, our personalities just do NOT mesh. I will be moving on to better fish. Thanks a lot for your advice and support! No problem, you were caught in the "trying to figure him out" curiosity cycle. You seem like a quality woman and I'm sure you'll meet a decent guy.
Author HopelessR Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 No problem, you were caught in the "trying to figure him out" curiosity cycle. You seem like a quality woman and I'm sure you'll meet a decent guy. Thanks, I'm in no rush. He left today - didn't see him though as I had the day off. Sent him a quick text "Had fun hanging out with you. Enjoy your summer." Since I may see him through work related things I would like to keep things 'happy', and not be mean or anything. He did nothing wrong - we just don't mesh. Time to move on!!! =)
SmileFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 He only asked what you doing because he was looking for some loving before he went back home. There was nothing more to this.
Author HopelessR Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 He only asked what you doing because he was looking for some loving before he went back home. There was nothing more to this. That's what I assumed, wondered why he just didn't SAY that! lol!! He probably could have talked me out of going to the gym ... ;-)
NXS Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 That's what I assumed, wondered why he just didn't SAY that! lol!! He probably could have talked me out of going to the gym ... ;-) Hopeless, I was dubious about your earlier reply and now it's confirmed. You haven't moved on from this guy and are still in full infatuation mode. It reminds of the quote: "Youth is wasted on the young". This will be an endless cycle spinning you nowhere......
Author HopelessR Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Hopeless, I was dubious about your earlier reply and now it's confirmed. You haven't moved on from this guy and are still in full infatuation mode. It reminds of the quote: "Youth is wasted on the young". This will be an endless cycle spinning you nowhere...... =( I know!!! What is wrong with me!!! LOL! I am ONLY physically attracted to him. Other than that .. nothing. So hopefully out of sight, out of mind will be good for me. I know he doesn't care for me, and I really don't care for him. I had fun dancing with him and that is all. It was just a nice change of pace for me. I have been in work mode the last three years and enjoyed the spontaneity.
NXS Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 =( I know!!! What is wrong with me!!! LOL! I am ONLY physically attracted to him. Other than that .. nothing. So hopefully out of sight, out of mind will be good for me. I know he doesn't care for me, and I really don't care for him. I had fun dancing with him and that is all. It was just a nice change of pace for me. I have been in work mode the last three years and enjoyed the spontaneity. You are more than physically attracted to him, you are mentally and emotionally attracted to him also. Why? because he doesn't adhere to the straight social norms you are used to. You also got some raw physical sex which has opened you up. He acts aloof, says what he wants and doesn't chase you. He has you intrigued and left you wanting to free yourself. You think you've found something special but actually all you've found is a narcisstic child who'll waste years of your life if you follow him, keeping you endlessly grasping for crumbs. This is not a judgement of you or him, nothing can stop you doing what you want to do, we all have free will. It's just a kind of advanced warning, I've seen it all before.
Author HopelessR Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 You are more than physically attracted to him, you are mentally and emotionally attracted to him also. Why? because he doesn't adhere to the straight social norms you are used to. You also got some raw physical sex which has opened you up. He acts aloof, says what he wants and doesn't chase you. He has you intrigued and left you wanting to free yourself. You think you've found something special but actually all you've found is a narcisstic child who'll waste years of your life if you follow him, keeping you endlessly grasping for crumbs. This is not a judgement of you or him, nothing can stop you doing what you want to do, we all have free will. It's just a kind of advanced warning, I've seen it all before. Thanks, you are absolutely right!!! Better move on quickly then huh??!!
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