Feeling so down and in pain right now.

[kbme311]

I was seeing someone for 4 months and I really really liked him. I split up with him because the relationship was just too dysfunctional. He had a lot of issues and was causing me a huge amount of distress.

 

I didn't like the way he treated me and even though he said he would change he didn't so I finished it.

 

I miss him so much.

 

He did phone and stuff but I told him to stop contacting me and that there was no chance of getting back together because he wasn't willing to make the changes I needed in order for the relationship to continue.

 

I want all this hurt to just be gone and to get on with my life but I'm feeling so down and in pain. I wake up and think about him, I don't stop thinking about him until I go to bed where I can't sleep.

 

My life just feels empty and meaningless. I don' think I'll ever meet anyone.

 

I suppose it's triggered a lot. I'm 38 and have never married and haven't been in a long term relationship for nearly 7 years. I'm feeling as though I'll never meet anyone and will just be alone for the rest of my life.

 

I'm sick of people saying just give it time blah blah blah and take up a hobby etc How does sewing or badminton compensate for a loving relationship?

 

And I do do all those things and I'm sick of people telling me that 'going out and doing stuff by myself' is somehow going to make me feel better.

 

I've travelled to over 20 countries by myself, I write books, I'm currently decorating my house and I'm going to do a bunch of evening courses.

 

I could run courses on being independent. I'm so sick of being by myself. Should I just resign myself to never having someone love me again? That's where I am now.

 

I wanted this relationship to work so much but he just wasn't committed to it. And there was so much going on that made my mind spin with how strange the whole situation was. Just because I finished it doesnt' mean it was an easy decision or that it doesn't hurt like hell and that I don't still love him.

 

Ugh

[JasonRules]

I was seeing someone for 4 months and I really really liked him. I split up with him because the relationship was just too dysfunctional. He had a lot of issues and was causing me a huge amount of distress.

 

I didn't like the way he treated me and even though he said he would change he didn't so I finished it.

 

I miss him so much.

 

He did phone and stuff but I told him to stop contacting me and that there was no chance of getting back together because he wasn't willing to make the changes I needed in order for the relationship to continue.

 

I want all this hurt to just be gone and to get on with my life but I'm feeling so down and in pain. I wake up and think about him, I don't stop thinking about him until I go to bed where I can't sleep.

 

My life just feels empty and meaningless. I don' think I'll ever meet anyone.

 

I suppose it's triggered a lot. I'm 38 and have never married and haven't been in a long term relationship for nearly 7 years. I'm feeling as though I'll never meet anyone and will just be alone for the rest of my life.

 

I'm sick of people saying just give it time blah blah blah and take up a hobby etc How does sewing or badminton compensate for a loving relationship?

 

And I do do all those things and I'm sick of people telling me that 'going out and doing stuff by myself' is somehow going to make me feel better.

 

I've travelled to over 20 countries by myself, I write books, I'm currently decorating my house and I'm going to do a bunch of evening courses.

 

I could run courses on being independent. I'm so sick of being by myself. Should I just resign myself to never having someone love me again? That's where I am now.

 

I wanted this relationship to work so much but he just wasn't committed to it. And there was so much going on that made my mind spin with how strange the whole situation was. Just because I finished it doesnt' mean it was an easy decision or that it doesn't hurt like hell and that I don't still love him.

 

Ugh

 

 

Why haven't you had a LTR in so many years?

[butterfly2011]

have you tried a dating site? You broke it off because it was unhealthy. Dont give up now..... go out there and find someone that suits your needs better. Yo can do it.. Believe in YOU

[kbme311]

Hey thanks for replying so quickly. I havent' met anyone to have a long term relationship with.

 

There's no real reason why not. I don't know. I tried internet dating for a year but didn't meet anyone I particularly liked. I'm also at that age where a lot of people are in settled relationships.

 

I look quite young for my age so attract guys who are a lot younger. This one was 10 years younger than me.

 

I just haven't met anyone...

[kbme311]

have you tried a dating site? You broke it off because it was unhealthy. Dont give up now..... go out there and find someone that suits your needs better. Yo can do it.. Believe in YOU

 

Thanks I really need this right now. It's Friday night and I'm by myself feeling really sorry for myself.

 

I have tried dating sites. I tried two for just over a year. I just met such a string of weirdos! I really really tried. I gave some way too much of my time because I didn't want to be shallow and they were nothing like their pictures. I just wasn't into any of them and none led to a second date.

 

I think I met 7...do you think that's too few? I just couldn't meet another one - it was too depressing! The last one was into dysmorphophilia...

 

This guy I met through work, he seemed ok but I only ever really wanted a brief fling as I didn't think it would work due to age and other things but he said he wanted a relationship and I thought why not as I really liked him.

 

He was just another weirdo.

 

I'm not looking for any kind of Knight in Shining armour as I don't need rescuing. I'm not looking for someone particularly rich or amazingly handsome. Just someone fun to be with, kind, affectionate and loving.

[SerenaG]

Wow - I thought I was reading something I wrote. Add 2 years to my age and I am exactly where you are after the end of a 5 month relationship with a younger guy. It has been over for about 6 months now so I'm over the worst of the pain but I absolutely relate to the idea that the pain had less to do with him and more the emotions it brought up about hitting 40 without marrying (or even getting close to marriage). I have always been so proud of my independence and before this guy really considered myself a very content person. Now I'm questioning everything. I guess that is healthy though - at least that's what I tell myself . Sorry to say I never found the silver bullet for healing more quickly but as cliched as it is time, and the perspective it can bring, has been the only thing that has helped. I have some dark moments but it is better now and I hope the same for you soon too.

[kbme311]

Just to hammer the nail further in I've just found out that he's seeing a girl I always suspected he fancied when he was with me.

 

How used was I exactly? This is such a nightmare.

 

I know breaking up with him was the right thing to do and he wasn't that into me. It just makes me feel worse. I asked him not to contact her and see her so much but he refused. He also denied having feelings for her when it was pretty obvious he did. He also used my place to save on money for transport so he could see her. Even went so far as to ask for cash even though I was unemployed, in order to do the sport they both do together.

 

He's such a loser!

 

But it's me who is the loser really as I'm heartbroken and sad and alone while he's with her. He didn't lose anything.

[kbme311]

Wow - I thought I was reading something I wrote. Add 2 years to my age and I am exactly where you are after the end of a 5 month relationship with a younger guy. It has been over for about 6 months now so I'm over the worst of the pain but I absolutely relate to the idea that the pain had less to do with him and more the emotions it brought up about hitting 40 without marrying (or even getting close to marriage). I have always been so proud of my independence and before this guy really considered myself a very content person. Now I'm questioning everything. I guess that is healthy though - at least that's what I tell myself . Sorry to say I never found the silver bullet for healing more quickly but as cliched as it is time, and the perspective it can bring, has been the only thing that has helped. I have some dark moments but it is better now and I hope the same for you soon too.

 

Hey

 

Thanks for replying. Aren't you sick of people telling you that you'll meet the right person one day?

 

I know that in time I'll look back and won't believe I was even involved with him. How do I know? Because I've felt it so many times now that it feels like I'm reliving the whole cycle over and over again.

 

I'm kind of relieved it's over as it was just a bad relationship but my heart is in shreds. I feel this terrible pain in my stomach. I just want to cry. I'm irritable and can't stand being around people.

 

I just don't think I'll ever find someone and can't help thinking what's more important than love?

[SerenaG]

Yeah - I'm not really holding my breath for the right person to come along. I think it's possible that it really is not meant to happen for me. Some days that hurts like hell and some days I'm OK with it. My secret, not very nice, game is to analyze my friends' marriages for flaws. I've found that over time there are actually not that many of them that I envy. I would so much rather be alone than caught up in a bad or even mediocre marriage.

[kbme311]

Yeah - I'm not really holding my breath for the right person to come along. I think it's possible that it really is not meant to happen for me. Some days that hurts like hell and some days I'm OK with it. My secret, not very nice, game is to analyze my friends' marriages for flaws. I've found that over time there are actually not that many of them that I envy. I would so much rather be alone than caught up in a bad or even mediocre marriage.

 

I know what you mean. There are some days when I just love being single. I have never been the type of person who wants to know what's round the corner I suppose I like my freedom a lot.

 

I've never really thought about other people's relationships. I don't know anyone in an unhappy relationship or marriage. I'm sure there's stuff going on I don't know about but I don't really care.

 

I've been in bad relationships before (obviously or I would still be with that person) and it never gets better, only worse. Staying in a bad relationship is the worst possible thing you can do for yourself, your self esteem and your life in general as they suck all your energy out of you.

 

I knew after a month that this relationship wasn't going to work but I wanted it to work so bad!! I kept at it for another three months before giving up the ghost. If someone isn't into you, they're not into you. Nothing you can do will change that. If he really wanted to be with me he would have made the changes I wanted and done what he could in order for us to stay together.

[depplover_1980]

Hi kbme. I think you're just having a bad week and well, you're entitled to one! As we see time and time again on LS, these short term relationships really sting because they end when the bonding hormone Oxytocin is racing through our bloodstreams at high levels. So effectively when this new relationship suddenly ends, so does the feel-good hormone, so our bodies go into withdrawal. This leads to feelings of anxiety and depression just like how you're feeling right now. It sucks.

 

I read on here that you had a 7 year relationship, so I do believe you HAVE had a successful long termer - yes it ended, but then to me most of these things have a shelf life. You are far from alone in your quest for love due to how accessible divorce is in the modern world - there are many 30/40 somethings (that middle generation)with a string of shorter relationships behind them. Societal pattern is playing a big part, many give up far too easy now and it is hard to find someone who has the same values as you (in your case).

 

However I am an optimist as well as a logical thinker and probability dictates that if you actively get through the numbers (ie dating with effort, when you can be bothered ) then you WILL find someone who you can get past that initial period with and transcend into a new long term relationship.

 

As s h i t as you feel right now, feeling sorry for yourself is not going to get you where you need to be in life. It sounds like you have A LOT going for you, so allow yourself a crappy week or two, but keep your head up and as I always say 'next'!

[kbme311]

Hi kbme. I think you're just having a bad week and well, you're entitled to one! As we see time and time again on LS, these short term relationships really sting because they end when the bonding hormone Oxytocin is racing through our bloodstreams at high levels. So effectively when this new relationship suddenly ends, so does the feel-good hormone, so our bodies go into withdrawal. This leads to feelings of anxiety and depression just like how you're feeling right now. It sucks.

 

I read on here that you had a 7 year relationship, so I do believe you HAVE had a successful long termer - yes it ended, but then to me most of these things have a shelf life. You are far from alone in your quest for love due to how accessible divorce is in the modern world - there are many 30/40 somethings (that middle generation)with a string of shorter relationships behind them. Societal pattern is playing a big part, many give up far too easy now and it is hard to find someone who has the same values as you (in your case).

 

However I am an optimist as well as a logical thinker and probability dictates that if you actively get through the numbers (ie dating with effort, when you can be bothered ) then you WILL find someone who you can get past that initial period with and transcend into a new long term relationship.

 

As s h i t as you feel right now, feeling sorry for yourself is not going to get you where you need to be in life. It sounds like you have A LOT going for you, so allow yourself a crappy week or two, but keep your head up and as I always say 'next'!

 

Hi thanks for replying.

 

I think you misread my post. I haven't been in a long term relationship in nearly 7 years. My last long term relationship was 3 years and finished in 2004.

 

I'm aware that feeling sorry for myself isn't a particularly good thing to do. However there isn't anyone out there who will do it for me

 

My problem is also lack of optimism. There is no 'next'. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I will never meet the right person and evening macrame lessons just don't have the same value as a loving relationship.

 

I'm fed up with being told to just get on with it and that there is somehow something wrong with me for being fed up with being single.

 

Most people who tell me to enjoy being single and the right person will come along at the right time etc are married or in relationships! They have no idea how difficult it is coming home to an empty house every single day and feeling as though this will never end.

 

I don't run about outside with a ginormous butterfly net and try to ensnare every male who walks past. I am quietly and determinedly getting on with my life.

 

Part of my aloneness is refusal to compromise. I have been in crap relationships in the past and do not want to put any more effort or time into something which is ok for now but isn't suitable for me long term. That was my last relationship and I knew when I was in it that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. It also ended in disaster which is another story.

 

I've tried internet dating and it just hasn't worked out for me. I spent a year going on these dates, spending hours choosing and outfit and meeting these guys who were just creeps or weird or just boring. I don't want to end up with someone whose idea of a good night is watching TV and scratching their arse. I'd rather be by myself.

 

Another part of my aloneness and I think I'm pretty rare when it comes to saying this, is I haven't met anyone outside internet dating and I dont' know what the hell is going on! I think once you leave university you're options close dramatically because you just don't have access to so many people of your own or similar age.

 

I haven't me anyone through work as I work in a mostly female profession. I have travelled a lot and haven't met anyone through that. I've taken local classes and though I've made female friends I haven't met anyone suitable.

 

I've never been approached in the local park or coffee shop and don't really do the bar scene. So I don't know what else to do. Advising me to continue internet dating as my best option makes me want to scream as it doesn't work for me. I haven't felt one spark of interest in any of the guys I met through it. I wasn't attracted to any of them and that was after wading through the time wasters, bums, sex addicts, cheats, alcoholics, liars and meeting up with the 'decent' ones to find out that I wasn't attracted to them.

 

And yes I did give them second and third chances, way too many as I didn't want to be shallow.

 

It just doesn't seem as though there's ever going to be a next and that is my problem.

[depplover_1980]

I do feel your pain, but I don't have a solution other than the FACT is you have to keep going at it - nothing is going to fall from the sky. It isn't literally raining men! Hallelujah because we'd all be squashed cos there are so heeaavvy men out there!

 

I have empathy regarding the online dating, but have you tried the more serious sites out there - the ones you pay for and claim to match you personality wise? Do you have any single friends, could you do the whole speed dating or date nights organised? I don't meet people out either because they are usually p i s s e d and annoying!! To me there is a 'next' and it DOES involve getting through a lot of losers to find a gem. I treat it as a 'sport' in order to keep my sanity.

 

Do you think you're too fussy, is it possible you have a mechanism in place that is actually stopping you from getting close to people? The possibility you have intimacy issues? Totally excuse me if I'm way off, just pondering with you here more than anything.

[kbme311]

I do feel your pain, but I don't have a solution other than the FACT is you have to keep going at it - nothing is going to fall from the sky. It isn't literally raining men! Hallelujah because we'd all be squashed cos there are so heeaavvy men out there!

 

I have empathy regarding the online dating, but have you tried the more serious sites out there - the ones you pay for and claim to match you personality wise? Do you have any single friends, could you do the whole speed dating or date nights organised? I don't meet people out either because they are usually p i s s e d and annoying!! To me there is a 'next' and it DOES involve getting through a lot of losers to find a gem. I treat it as a 'sport' in order to keep my sanity.

 

Do you think you're too fussy, is it possible you have a mechanism in place that is actually stopping you from getting close to people? The possibility you have intimacy issues? Totally excuse me if I'm way off, just pondering with you here more than anything.

 

Hi, I really don't know what the problem is! Do I have intimacy issues? I have had 4 long term relationships so I don't think I have intimacy issues. By long term I mean over two years. I can keep and maintain a long term relationship.

 

I'm not sure if you would be so optimistic after a seven year string of losers. If you had got on with your life, worked on yourself, developed your career, travelled etc It's difficult not to think that there is something terribly wrong with you because no one wants you.

 

It's not that I can't get close to people, I just haven't met anyone that wants to get close to me. I'm not unattractive and no, I don't have a circus mirror in the house.

 

I really don't know and I'm totally fed up!

 

I tend to attract younger guys because I look young for my age and they don't realise that I am a lot older than them. These guys are ok to fool around with but aren't long term relationship material. I haven't met one guy my own age in the past seven years that I could get into a long term relationship with.

 

I don't expect men to drop from the sky but I'm not exactly barricading myself into the house. I'm friendly and approachable. I don't walk around snarling and pepper spraying people who look at me in the street. I work in the Third Sector (charity) in international aid. I'm kind and compassionate. I'm creative and well educated. I love socialising and I don't smoke or take drugs.

 

It's gone beyond a joke now.