reachingskywards Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 My Married guy. I was just coming out of a seriously difficult relationship. I met him at a dance class and didn’t realise he was married. We flirted.. When he told me he was married he said that he didn’t intend to leave his wife or start having affairs of any kind. I was glad because I didn’t want to get involved with anyone at that time. We became friends and after a long build up and a lot of lunches and coffees (and even some skydiving) one thing led to another and we started an affair. It wasn’t until then that he told me that he hadn’t slept with his wife in nearly 10 years -- before his last child was born. For the last 8 years or so he's been living in a seperate part of the house..... Anyway -- I fell head over heals for him. I fell in love in a big way. It wasn’t supposed to happen, and when it did I thought I it would be a short fling. In 4 months we’ve grown very close… I’ve had a pregnancy (which I lost) and he supported me through it. I love him deeply and it is the best relationship I’ve ever had. (I’m 36)> But he still goes home to his wife and kids. I’m not asking him to leave or anything but…he’s spoken to me about that possibility and has taken steps on the way to making it a possibility. But the thing is… He has 4 kids and thinks that’s too many. I have no kids and would like a family. When I became pregnant there was a lot of discussion about what to do. Unfortunately I lost the child anyway. But the point is… he really doesn’t want to have any more kids. He is even talking about having a vasectomy. As far as I see it – even if the circumstances of his life changed (and that’s a big if)… I can’t see it working out because of this one point. I know we love each other. I certainly love him. I am going to find it incredibly hard to leave him. I don’t know if I have the strength or courage to do it. But I think I have to. I am trying to think with my head instead of my heart. I long for him so much already. It’s hard now to even think about a future without him,… but I think I'm going to have to. If anyone has any advice – I would really appreciate it.
overseas2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Hi I really have to tell you that you do have the strength inside of you to do this. All of us do. It is difficult but all you have to do is pick up the phone and stick to the fact that you will do this. And he is totally lying about not sleeping with his wife. That is the crock that all married men give their lovers. But it is not true. Being that you are 36 (as I am also) I am sure you are acutely aware of the fact that you don't have a lot of time to have children. This means that you just don't have time to tie yourself down to ones that don't want to have children. They should not even be people you consider. Once you hear those words ... your first response should be goodbye. What are you going to do now? Stay with this guy until you are 39 or 40 and then can't concieve. Get real and look out for your own needs. You need to sum up the strength to this TODAY. Not tomorrow not another day.. Every day is a day you lose and your fertility is going down. Want to hold that baby in your arms one day???? For real??? Is it what you really really want? Then get out TODAY.
magda Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 When he told me he was married he said that he didn’t intend to leave his wife or start having affairs of any kind. I was glad because I didn’t want to get involved with anyone at that time. We became friends and after a long build up and a lot of lunches and coffees (and even some skydiving) one thing led to another and we started an affair. It wasn’t until then that he told me that he hadn’t slept with his wife in nearly 10 years -- before his last child was born. For the last 8 years or so he's been living in a seperate part of the house..... I wonder why he would tell you that after the affair? You think it might be just because he wants it to keep going? I think so... you clearly have a lot more invested in the relationship and he hasn't given you much if any solid indication that he's interested in a real future (ie breaking up his family). It happens to hundreds if not thousands of people in affairs... s/he says s/he'll leave, claims to make steps in that direction, claims to love the "lover" more than the spouse and that the relationship is worth making a future. Rarely happens. (What steps did he take to make your futures together a possibility? Are you sure he took those steps? Really? j/w) Not saying he doesn't really love you... I'm sure he does love spending time with you and love what you do for him. He told you from day one that he didn't want to 1) leave his wife or 2) be unfaithful.. he quickly went back on the second half of that and had an affair anyway. He still seems to want to stick to the first part. can you blame him? a family with 4 kids? You are in different places in life - VERY different places in life. He's had 4 kids, you still want some. He's married, you're not. You mention that he hasn't had sex in 10 years - he told you that after you began having a sexual relationship... Seems to me that he's using you .. basically for sex. He's got the kid, the wife, and with you around, the sex as well as your friendship, because you're a nice person on top of that - he is all set, doesn't need anything else. Anyway, my advice is to leave him. I don't think he's a good person to wait around for. Can you imagine, even if he did divorce, how long that would take? How much **** it's going to cause with his kids? How much they'll resent you? How much he'll start to resent you because of all the stress you've caused? How much money he's going to have to be paying in child support? Not to mention child custody, lawyers, the whole process involved? You'd better hope your relationship with him was strong to withstand that kind of turmoil and stress. You probably would be so stressed out, even if you could you wouldn't be able to conceive. I was trying to persuade you that he's not worth it and inspire you to move on. Don't suppose my plan worked?
jenny Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 1. re: sleeping with his wife. i think you both have established that monogamy is not a priority with either one of you, so why does it matter that he is likely still sleeping with her? 2. is there a reason your standards are so low? is this really what you've wanted for yourself? not having a man who is solely committed to you/ not having a man with whom you could have a real family and a stable father figure? i get that you love him. that does not mean it is a functional relationship, it's not. you're aging, don't waste another year on some guy who does not love you enough to commit to you or even acknowledge you. tick tock, my dear.
sportsloving Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Hey there. It seems as if you already know that you shouldn't wait around for this guy, you just are having a hard time letting go because you care so much for him. If having children is something you are looking for in your future... and he isn't... that is a good enough reason to end things as they are. I will agree that a married man who is cheating will pretty much say anything to keep you around (as would a married woman in same situation) but you have to think about yourself, your hopes and your dreams. And if he doesn't fit, he just doesn't fit. Even if he wasn't married or had four children, but he said that he didn't want children... would you stay with him? It may very well be difficult to tell him goodbye~ but tell him that you need to do it for yourself. You have every right to find someone who will love you wholeheartedly, share in your life (all parts, not just the convenient ones), to grow old together, and to share the joys of parenthood. I know it is hard, but you are a strong and smart person. You can do it. And you will survive. It will hurt, but not as much as the resentment when you get older and you missed out on having your own children because someone talked you out of it. And you can always come here when the times get rough, or you need support. I do wish you the very best
Author reachingskywards Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 Thanks everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. I agree that we are both in different stages of our lifes and that even if he wasn't married or had 4 kids then the issue is that he still doesn't want to have any (more) kids. I definitely need to move on. I think I have the strength to do it (fingers crossed). I guess it's not really relevant but just to clarify something that Magda said -- he actually said he didn't intend a to have an affair *before* we began one. Then after a long friendship one thing led to another and... well... we started sleeping together. I do believe that he hasn't been sleeping with his wife (as naive as it seems) but again -- it's not really relevant. He's a fantastic guy in a great many respects... Before I started seeing him I wrote a big list of everything I wanted in a man and he met *all* the criteria. The only problem was that I didn't put single or available on my list. And also -- when I wrote the list I also put down 'family orientated' rather than 'wants to start a family'. I guess I'll have to amend my list and start again. I can do it. I am a strong and independant woman. I am a strong and independant woman. I am a... I'
Author reachingskywards Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 Thanks everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. I agree that we are both in different stages of our lifes and that even if he wasn't married or had 4 kids then the issue is that he still doesn't want to have any (more) kids. I definitely need to move on. I think I have the strength to do it (fingers crossed). I guess it's not really relevant but just to clarify something that Magda said -- he actually said he didn't intend a to have an affair *before* we began one. Then after a long friendship one thing led to another and... well... we started sleeping together. I do believe that he hasn't been sleeping with his wife (as naive as it seems) but again -- it's not really relevant. He's a fantastic guy in a great many respects... Before I started seeing him I wrote a big list of everything I wanted in a man and he met *all* the criteria. The only problem was that I didn't put single or available on my list. And also -- when I wrote the list I also put down 'family orientated' rather than 'wants to start a family'. I guess I'll have to amend my list and start again. I can do it. I am a strong and independant woman. I am a strong and independant woman. I am a...
saintfrancis Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Just a couple thoughts - Nowadays it is very possible to conceive well beyond 39 or 40 years of age. I know of two people who have, and with today's technologies, the risks are less than they once were. Granted, the risks still exist, and it may be more difficult to conceive than at a younger age, but not necessarily impossible. Having said that, I go with everyone else here in supporting the "get out now" position. It's too easy to hang on, especially when there is no one else in your life. It's too easy to backslide. Trust me, I know. But you have to get out before you waste too many years on this guy.
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