Going From One LTR to Another LTR - Does it Work?

[ALonerAgain]

In my estimation, it doesn't. At least not for me it hasn't.

 

Lessons that I thought I had learnt weren't really the lessons that were important. Actually they were quite superficial (e.g. must remember not to yell or criticise next time, but failing to ask myself why I did it in the first place). Thus, personal issues that I had thought were dead buried only resurfaced a few years later in my next LTR.

 

I can honestly say now that while it has been relatively easy for me to stay with someone for a long-time, I've been using my relationships as a 'filler'; a distraction from looking deeper within myself. Until the demise of my last relationship (in which the tables had turned and I was now on the receiving end), I had no idea of what my behaviour and my choices were doing to damage the relationships I was getting in.

 

So, the question is, for all those that have ever left a LTR, did you really learn the lessons from your previous relationship(s)? Or were you really only concerned about finding something 'better' (e.g. experiencing G.I.G.S)?

 

(For purposes of clarification, LTR here means a steady relationship of over a year.)

I'm mainly aiming this at Dumpers, but Dumpees, feel free to chip in with your thoughts.

Edited April 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[SingVoice]

Well...I think it depends. If you jump back in to a LTR right away...it usually doesn't work. Because in the beginning you get caught up in the newness and the comparisons.

 

But if you took a little time off and thought about things and healed (yes even the dumpers need to heal) then I think it can work out.

 

I dumped my LTR about 9 months ago. And I took about 6 weeks before I started dating. Eventually I got into a 5 month relationship. It didn't work out...but it wasn't because of my ex or anything. It definitely wasn't a rebound relationship.

 

Rebounds usually don't work out.

[ALonerAgain]

Well...I think it depends. If you jump back in to a LTR right away...it usually doesn't work. Because in the beginning you get caught up in the newness and the comparisons.

 

But if you took a little time off and thought about things and healed (yes even the dumpers need to heal) then I think it can work out.

 

I dumped my LTR about 9 months ago. And I took about 6 weeks before I started dating. Eventually I got into a 5 month relationship. It didn't work out...but it wasn't because of my ex or anything. It definitely wasn't a rebound relationship.

 

Rebounds usually don't work out.

 

I agree about both parties needing time to heal and evaluate.

 

But I guess it depends exactly what you are doing in between relationships.

 

So, what was it about your subsequent 5-month relationship that didn't work (if it wasn't to do with your ex)? Who ended it?

[chelle21689]

I agree that usually it doesn't work out and we need time to heal before jumping into another relationship. I've been single for 2 months after a 5 1/2 year relatoinship and I've been seeing a guy for 6 weeks. I'm not jumping into anything at all and taking things super slow.

 

My sister's ex was with her for 3 years and she dumped him...he rebounded a week later. They've been married/together for 6 years now.

[SingVoice]

I agree about both parties needing time to heal and evaluate.

 

But I guess it depends exactly what you are doing in between relationships.

 

So, what was it about your subsequent 5-month relationship that didn't work (if it wasn't to do with your ex)? Who ended it?

 

It didn't work because he was TOTALLY selfish and immature. He actually just disappeared on me one day because how he deals with things is "avoidance." I had been on several other dates though before I met this guy...so I knew it wasn't a rebound.

[ALonerAgain]

I agree that usually it doesn't work out and we need time to heal before jumping into another relationship. I've been single for 2 months after a 5 1/2 year relatoinship and I've been seeing a guy for 6 weeks. I'm not jumping into anything at all and taking things super slow.

 

Would you say that you've fully healed from your previous relationship? By that, I don't just mean 'are you over your ex', but did you learn anything about yourself that you would/wouldn't do in your next one?

 

My sister's ex was with her for 3 years and she dumped him...he rebounded a week later. They've been married/together for 6 years now.

 

I guess for your sister's ex it was a blessing in disguise?! Why did she dump him and did she ever regret her decision?

[ALonerAgain]

It didn't work because he was TOTALLY selfish and immature. He actually just disappeared on me one day because how he deals with things is "avoidance." I had been on several other dates though before I met this guy...so I knew it wasn't a rebound.

 

Sorry to hear that.

 

Did it ever occur to you how/why you ended up picking a guy like that? Have you ever been with a guy like that before?

[Kelemort]

I think it entirely depends on how it works out. For me, going from one LTR to the next -did- work, but I doubt that's true for the vast majority of the people.

 

I was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years with a guy who was terrible to me. Just terrible. But it was my first relationship, I was 19 or 20 or so, and I had low self-esteem in the pits (and he made sure to keep it there). I was afraid of leaving and never finding out what else was out there, but I never did love him. By the time we officially split, it had been over in spirit for at least 6 months and possibly as long as a year.

 

4 months later, I started dating somebody else. Originally, it wasn't serious - he was supposed to be leaving the country in a few months. But that didn't come to pass, so 7 months after my break-up, we were well on our way to the long-term.

 

If I hadn't ended the previous relationship, if it hadn't been so bad and all of that - yes, definitely too soon and wouldn't have worked. But by the time I started dating again, I was over it. Unfortunately, his last LTR had been over for 2 years and he STILL wasn't over it.

[ALonerAgain]

Unfortunately, his last LTR had been over for 2 years and he STILL wasn't over it.

 

Do you mean your previous long-term ex or the one after him?

[SingVoice]

Sorry to hear that.

 

Did it ever occur to you how/why you ended up picking a guy like that? Have you ever been with a guy like that before?

 

You know...I haven't been with someone like that before. It's kind of a long story...but on my second date with him I ended up in the hospital and had surgery. I actually got to see a side of him that WASN'T totally selfish and immature. I held onto that man for 5 months...but I never saw him again. Also he was going through some tough times so I could understand a little bit of his selfishness.

 

I was really physically attracted to him also. And the kind of chemistry we had was unlike ANYTHING I had ever had before. So most of the experience with him was completely unchartered territory for me. But you live and learn...and I know I wouldn't date someone like that again.

[heartshaped]

I went from long term relationship to long term relationship rather quickly, but I've always been able to be very certain of what I want and what I do not want. Often when people are going from long term relationship to long term relationship they are just on the rebound which usually leads to the ultimate end of the subsequent relationship.

 

I did learn some lessons that I feel I have carried forward from my previous relationship, but not so much about my behavior, more about what is tolerable in a partner and isn't.

[ALonerAgain]

You know...I haven't been with someone like that before. It's kind of a long story...but on my second date with him I ended up in the hospital and had surgery. I actually got to see a side of him that WASN'T totally selfish and immature. I held onto that man for 5 months...but I never saw him again. Also he was going through some tough times so I could understand a little bit of his selfishness.

 

I think personal issues can totally skew dating because our minds aren't totally focussed on giving our best.

 

I was really physically attracted to him also. And the kind of chemistry we had was unlike ANYTHING I had ever had before. So most of the experience with him was completely unchartered territory for me. But you live and learn...and I know I wouldn't date someone like that again.

 

So what would you say is more important to you now: chemistry or compatibility?

 

I don't usually get really physically attracted to someone until I begin to trust them and be myself around them - then that's when I get to see them in a more sexual way.

 

I place more emphasis on emotional attraction, because that's something I've been missing growing up: being able to be relaxed around someone. I know a lot of this is to do with my low self-esteem. I realise that I'm dating to get someone to accept me as I am.

[ALonerAgain]

I went from long term relationship to long term relationship rather quickly, but I've always been able to be very certain of what I want and what I do not want. Often when people are going from long term relationship to long term relationship they are just on the rebound which usually leads to the ultimate end of the subsequent relationship.

 

I def. think that's what I've been doing.

 

I did learn some lessons that I feel I have carried forward from my previous relationship, but not so much about my behavior, more about what is tolerable in a partner and isn't.

 

Same here. But again, I think that's where I'm going wrong.

 

The way I'm starting to see things is that it is as much my responsibility in choosing my partners as it is in knowing what I want.

 

For example, with my last ex, I thought he would be the one to stick because he had ticked all the boxes from the list I had written as a result of my 1st LTR disaster. However, just because he looked 'good on paper' did not necessarily mean that we were compatible in the long run, even though we did last 4.5 years.

 

I could blame him for the deception and the false image he portrayed, but I have to take responsibility for my decisions and admit that I chose him in the end just to fulfil my list - without actually questioning whether I matched up to my own expectations...

Edited April 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[Engadget]

It doesn't work if you're still jaded/hurt/jealous/upset or whatever from the previous LTR. Took me about 6-8 months to get over my ex of 6 years, to finding my new girlfriend, mostly because I was depressed and didn't want to date.

 

Once I moved past it everything was fine.