Lexygirl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) Hi all. As some of you know, I am going through the process of separation in my 18 year marriage.... I want to give my opinion on how I see alot of marriages that are on the brink of divorce. Please keep in mind... I'm not generalizing nor do I want to pretend to be an expert. I'm just voicing my opinion on how I see things during times when marriages are failing.... Hopefully it might shed some light on things for some and maybe even help. I know every marriage is different but in mine, we seemed doomed once the communication stopped and the disconnect began. We didn't see it until it was literally too late. I honestly believe ppl who are married or even contemplating getting married should go to marriage counselling on a somewhat regular basis even when they don't 'think' things are bad. Looking back, there were signs that things were going down the tubes but I suppose we both became complacent and of course hoped things would improve. Hoping and sweeping issues under the rug don't make it all disappear. In fact it just grows until there is a huge pile of crap under the rug separating us from one another and nowhere to put it and no idea how to communicate it back down to a small pile. Anyway, the main reason I'm writing this is to talk about marriage once it becomes blatantly obvious that there is something seriously wrong. I believe that both parties have to be open and honest about how they are feeling at this point. Not only to each other but to themselves. I think that is one of the keys to really knowing whether or not it's worth reconciling.... Do you want this because you feel sad for the other person? Do you really want out but you are just going through the motions of 'trying' to appease other ppl including your SO? Or do you want to try to reconcile because you truthfully know in your heart that you want this person to continue to be in your life hopefully forever? If that is the case for both parties, chances are good and I think it's worth putting every effort in possible. In my case, I have come to realize that I was 'trying' in order to appease and that stops today. If you have read this far, thank you for reading my ramblings... I DO have a point to all this madness lol. The reconciliation process: I think that what happens when ppl decide to 'try' is that they see a dim light at the end of the tunnel as they start to really communicate with each other finally. This is a wonderful and amazing thing BUT the way I see it is it's a matter of momentum. You begin with good intentions and unless you continue to talk, talk and talk some more, things will fall wayward again. You have to find a million ways to reconnect (including saying goodbye to any third party) and continue to do so and do it.... UNTIL. However, like I say, this can only work when both parties are completely on board. Remember you can only control yourself. If your SO isn't into it, then it's time to start to let go. Good luck to all. Take care. Lexy Edited April 1, 2011 by Lexygirl
change Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 How do you want to work on it, but only for your SO? I don't quite understand how that emotion could be in place. Can you explain? My wife and I are separated. And that seems to be the place she's in. She's thought a number of times about coming back, but she's also enjoying her new found freedom and she's scared that if she comes back the changes will stop... so she's trying to see if her on-and-off aching desire to work on it is: * coming from me and my needs * coming from a fear of being alone * coming from a place of truth And to top it off, she still wants me ultimately in her life as one of her closest friends (I do, too). She knows that, but she doesn't know if she wants "us" anymore.
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