ChocCheesecake Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I have been just trying to do limited contact, the whole work thing makes NC near impossible. So I have not initiated any contact in a whole week. Last contact was a text I sent last Fri. that never got answered/acknowledged. So the beginning of the week brought maybe a casual hello or two in passing...yesterday he came by, punched my arm very lightly and asked a question it would've taken him not even a minute to answer on his own. I was businesslike. I was not surprised...after I pull back bc he's been jerky, he starts to want attention again. A few mins later he thanked me, I said you're welcomebut looked back at my work as to not invite conversation. I was proud of myself. So today I walked smack into him...we were somewhere private and while I could've stopped to chat, I didn't...I asked how are you today and kept walking. But I feel like I am going to throw up now. He HAS to know I am avoiding him, today all of a sudden I am afraid he'll be mad at me. The other strange thing is that in the months since this started, I have lost a lot of weight...get compliments from everyone. Except him. Not a word, even when he is being nice and not jerky. He used to compliment me a lot when we were" just friends." I feel so sick right now.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Who cares if he's mad at you! Remember HE is playing games with you. You texted him and he ignored it. You two are in LC for a reason. Keep being professional, and when you see him, just keep on walking by. He isn't your friend.. Plus, don't ask him how he is. That is opening the door to conversation. Or one day you ask how he is, and walks by you and ignores you, you're going to feel crappy.
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Who cares if he's mad at you! Remember HE is playing games with you. You texted him and he ignored it. You two are in LC for a reason. Keep being professional, and when you see him, just keep on walking by. He isn't your friend.. Plus, don't ask him how he is. That is opening the door to conversation. Or one day you ask how he is, and walks by you and ignores you, you're going to feel crappy. Choc, right here is the crux of the problem: Why do you still care if this man talks to you, pays you a compliment, ignores you, or stands on his head? Or is angry at you? You deserve better treatment, period. Repeat that 3000 times. Stay professional and in all other contexts, ignore him until he goes away.
jj33 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Choco I am well out of the A I was in but I also worked with him (not in the same company but hte same industry) and we had a lot of contact for work. Ive recently changed my situation so that I have less contact with him than I did (I didnt do it for him, it just happened for other reasons) Whenever I was distant he would come forward and find a million "work" reasons to contact me. It used to get to me alot. I kept telling myself every unecessary work communication was just another way of him reminding me that he was still married. The initial inclination is to be flattered and think oh he misses me. The thing is its meaningless. If someone has something to say, they will say it. Using work as a reason to be in closer contact is cowards way and its a mind game. Just remind yourself that you know what you shared and whether he speaks to you a lot now or a llittle bit, it doesnt change what was and it is not relevant to your future. If you initiated NC and dont want the affair anymore, then the only thing that will be relevant is if he tells you he has filed for divorce. Im guessing that you dont want to think he is mad at you because you still harbor hope on some level. When you love someone even if you are apart and even if you dont want the relatoinshp you had, you dont want them to be upset with you or think badly of you. Hang in there. It gets better over time
fooled once Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 I have been just trying to do limited contact, the whole work thing makes NC near impossible. So I have not initiated any contact in a whole week. Last contact was a text I sent last Fri. that never got answered/acknowledged. So the beginning of the week brought maybe a casual hello or two in passing...yesterday he came by, punched my arm very lightly and asked a question it would've taken him not even a minute to answer on his own. I was businesslike. I was not surprised...after I pull back bc he's been jerky, he starts to want attention again. A few mins later he thanked me, I said you're welcomebut looked back at my work as to not invite conversation. I was proud of myself. So today I walked smack into him...we were somewhere private and while I could've stopped to chat, I didn't...I asked how are you today and kept walking. But I feel like I am going to throw up now. He HAS to know I am avoiding him, today all of a sudden I am afraid he'll be mad at me. The other strange thing is that in the months since this started, I have lost a lot of weight...get compliments from everyone. Except him. Not a word, even when he is being nice and not jerky. He used to compliment me a lot when we were" just friends." I feel so sick right now. Why do you think he is mad at you? Why does that bother you? He is your past; not your future. Whether he is mad or not, what impact does it really have on you? He is still married. He is still with his wife. Are you worried that if he is mad at you, he won't remember about you two? That if he were to divorce (which you know down deep is highly unlikely) that he won't return to you? Stay strong. Stop focusing on HIM. Stop worrying about HIM. Worry about you!! Keep the NC to LC. Don't obsess over him and what he is thinking, etc? Focus on the fact that he is married.
Flabbergaster Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 I'm going to start by giving you a big hug, then give you a funny smile to make you laugh. Ok thankfully the smiley icons don't look as silly as I do...but i guess it won't make you laugh as well as my stupid funny face. Did you tell him you were going LC? I'm reading your post, and I'm getting the feeling it was a unilateral move that you didn't announce. Now that's ok to start, because you've gotten some strength by just doing it. From what you describe, I can't help but think that he knows something is wrong but doesn't know exactly what, so he is trying to not pressure you too much. Which you are interpreting as not giving a damn. It sounds to me more like he is trying to give you a little space, because he can tell something is wrong. He probably hasn't complimented you on losing weight (BTW you look SOO much lighter, I'm impressed ) because he's afraid it might be something uncomfortable to hear from him. Oh honey TRUST me, if he's male he noticed. Ok here's my suggestion: now that you've proven to yourself you can do LC, it's time to tell him what's happening. Tell him smt like, "the A has been too painful for me. We have to see each other and communicate due to work. I would ask that we try to minimize contact as much as possible. This is not because I dislike you or hate you, this is because it is painful to me to be in heavy contact with you." DO NOT use words like 'if things were different,' don't tell him you care about him (notice my phrasing above? it's better than "i like you too much...") Go read the thread titled "setting personal boundaries." ok...ONE MORE HUG!! You're doing great, you made a huge first step. Second step: explainto him what's happening and move forward. You can do this, post here on the bad days. IT WILL BE BETTER. remember that on the bad days.
Author ChocCheesecake Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Thanks for the hugs, Flabbergaster. Actually, though, I am beginning to think he really IS a jerk, that this meant way more to me than to him, and that the only time he makes any effort is when I am right there in front of him and it's convenient for him. I found out something over the weekend that reinforces this belief. My ego is bruised at this point. Badly. I dread seeing him this week. I am SO STUPID bc we work together. Weekends I tend to do well, take several steps forward, then when I see him again, it's several steps back. I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I really have to rid myself of the concern of what he is thinking about me....I can't change it anyway.
Flabbergaster Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Thanks for the hugs, Flabbergaster. anytime, I've got a whole bucketful. they help, when our heart hurts. Actually, though, I am beginning to think he really IS a jerk, that this meant way more to me than to him, and that the only time he makes any effort is when I am right there in front of him and it's convenient for him. Sadly, this is often the truth for initial physicality, in an A or R. I think it's more common for it to be this way at the beginning of an A (men being there for the convenient sex/emotional support, women reading too much into the situation) I found out something over the weekend that reinforces this belief. Hold that inside, let it fester into anger. BELIEVE that he is a jerk. That will help you get past him. Can't lose your mind over someone that you're mad at. My ego is bruised at this point. Badly. I dread seeing him this week. I am SO STUPID bc we work together. You're not stupid. You learned a lesson which is painful to learn, and i'm sorry you had to learn it. Some of the smartest people I know, including myself, have made this mistake and worse. I'm talking people with genius level IQ. So it's not a matter of stupid, it's a matter of 'some lessons must be learned the hard way, for some people.' Weekends I tend to do well, take several steps forward, then when I see him again, it's several steps back. Momentum! Just keep trying to move forward overall in a 7 day period. don't worry about the few steps back, as long as you are moving forward overall. I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I really have to rid myself of the concern of what he is thinking about me....I can't change it anyway. I'm so proud of you for these realizations! That's right, you need to keep going on. Read LS, post here, we'll help. And you'll help us. Forget what he thinks about you; you don't want to be with an emotional douche like him anyways! Ok, time for the mandatory LS pitch: Sweetie your man-finder ability might be flawed or broken. Many women look for men that are BAD for them. I'd like to suggest you get some therapy to find out why you fell into this, how separate the 'good men' from the 'looks like fun' men. i would hate for you to be in this situation again. You're stronger than you realize, and you're putting yourself on the path to recovery. Good for you, it gets easier.
Amour7 Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 CC, good luck this week. I am in day 2 (of the umpteenth cycle) of NC and admire your strength for making it this long. I can imagine how hard it would be to have to face him each day. When I worked with an X, there was a period of time when I would hide out and avoid seeing him. I realized that this strategy really was making me suffer, though, and wasn't protecting me from hurt. So I decided to "fake it" and look my best each day, smile big, put myself out there in meetings, etc. Even though it felt fake at first, it began to actually feel pretty good. My X and his friends were all convinced I was already seeing someone new- not that I tried to have them believe it, but I think ultimately the idea helped him move on (although he was jealous and claimed to be hurt at first). In a branch of therapy, there is a strategy called "opposite to emotion" where you try to fake the opposite of the negative emotion you feel. It can feel inauthentic and awkward, but it might surprise you if you try it over time. It can sort of help you recalibrate. Wishing you well.
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