breaking NC ?

[Meve]

Hi, this is my first post, and the reason why i signed up here today is because im really confused and cant talk to anyone.

 

Ive been with my ex for 4 years, the past year on and off, for mainly stupid reasons which get blown out of proportion, but we always get back ( note: its always been her doing the dumping ).

 

** just like to apologise in advance, theres quite alot of reading! **

 

Anyway! After being apart, but still talking every now and again for about 3 months, i decided just to ignore her completly. Long story short, she cracked, and shecame back, i took her back. That was the end of January.

 

Everything was EXCELLENT! All romantic, having fun, had talks about what needed to be fixed, etc etc. Well everything was great until her sisters 21st. We had been having fun all day and stuff, helped set up the hall, we were normal, but the actual night of the party, she didnt speak to me once, not even a hello. I thought this was really wierd of her seeing as we just recently got back about 4-5 days previous. I didnt approach her once at all, because i kept thinking she will come over eventually. She didnt, so when she was sat down with some friends ( one of them being a guy who really likes her and they had a drunken kiss one time ) i decided i would go over and say hello and stuff, ask if she wanted a drink. I leaned over her to give her a hug and kiss on the cheek, i asked for one back but she refused. Asked again and she basically shoved me off saying "NOO!" in a really stern voice. I was humiliated and walked back accross the dancefloor with my tail between my legs, and that was the only encounter i had with her until after the party had finished.

 

We ended up going to my brothers, everything was fine again, for the next few days too, everything normal.. But that night was playing on my mind, and i wasnt happy about it. I picked her up from uni one night and on the way home i mentioned it. She said she didnt talk to me because she was dancing all night ( in her defence, she was for most the night ) and that i only wanted a kiss from her to rub it in the guys face she was sitting with. Now thats a lie, she and i both know im not bitter, or vindictive in that way at all, so i assured her that wasnt the reason, and just basically asked her not to make me feel so low and un-wanted again. After that things were kind of wierd, and i can understand that, because after having a serious chat like that, its hard to go back to talking normal and having fun.

 

So everything is fine for a few more days, her birthday approached, i treated her with a nice suprise, and she liked it! I couldnt not do anything for her. Her birthday Is 10-Feb, which was a thursday. She thanked me for her gift, and told me she was going for a girly night out with her sisters and friends Was a bit upset i didnt get to spend the day or night with her, but its her day. She was supposed to watch her nephew the next day, but typically, she was out all ngiht, stayed with a friend and didnt bother.

 

It was planned for us that day to go shopping to get things for my little brothers 18th party with her younger sister, after she was finished babysitting. I was pretty upset about not being allowed to see her on her birthday, so i decided not to contact her the next day and wait for her to contact me. I received a text saying "when are you picking me up?" .. to be hoenst i was absolutly fuming when she sent me that!! .. i thought "no good morning? how am i? how was my night, what did i do, are we still going shopping?" .. nope! just when am i picking her up. i didnt cause a fuss or anything though, i just said im going for a shower and il be at her friends in 30mins.

 

Picked her up, had lunch, picked her sister up, picked my brother up, and we went shopping. Was a nice fun day! But she has dinner with relatives on a friday night, and she knew her older sister was angry with her. I usually have dinner with them too, but i skipped on this particular occasion, and i told my ex straight. I didnt want to be there when things kicked off between them ( which it did ) .. because i agreed with her sister and thought my ex was in the wrong, and couldnt really stand up for someone in the wrong.

 

So she was supposed to sit in that night alone, we had a 21st party to go to, but she said she didnt really want to attend it, and i would of only went if she was going with me. Well once things kicked off between the 2 of them, her older sister called her an alcoholic and that she has a drink problem ( and i actually agree, drink was a big thing that ruined our relationship every time ) .. so my ex's logic was that she isnt one of those, but if people call her one, then she may as well be! .. so she ended up going to the party we were meant to attend. I was pretty upset about that because i didnt receive a text at all saying "hey ive just had a fight, im going out" or anything like that. She wanted me to pick her up after the party however. I said i wouldnt pick her up if she was drunk, she promised me she wasnt, she only wanted to come home and sleep, i said go home, she said she had no keys, and her older sister was staying over and didnt want to cause another fight, so i picked her up, took her home and we had a chat about earlier that night.

 

i tried to make her understand what she done wrong, i dont even think she felt any guilt for what she done, and tried to get her to look at things from a different point of view, which i tend to do alot in our relationship. It was a nice emotional talk and i couldnt stay angry at her, i never can, im weak like that.

 

So now its the saturday, the day of my little brothers 18th house party, so we set everything up, again, great day everything normal, that was until later that night at the actual event. We did talk and kiss and stuff, but at these things we both have our own groups of friends and do our own things, so werent by eachothers side the whole night, but come the end of the night, we threw everyone out the house and went to bed. Her friend text her asking her if she is ok, but my ex was passed out, so i took the phone and replied saying "hey its xx, yy is passed out next to me, shes ok, are you ok?" .. got a text back saying "ok thats fine, im fine, night night, love you" .. just normal stuff really.. But with all the drink in me, i started to wonder why my girlfriend had been acting wierd at her sisters 21st, hadnt told me she was attending the 21st the previous night, and didnt want to spend time with me on her birthday. When i look back on it now, these were definatly red flags, but i was just confused beccause she came back to me to get back together, so why would she leave again?

 

So!! .. i looked through her phone. YES! I know its wrong, but if you were as paranoid as i was that something was going on, and after something similar happening before ( and with every girl im with usually ) i found some texts. There was pretty much nothing in the inbox from any guys, but she sent a guy messages saying "i fancy you with your new haircut" .. "your sexual" .. and "i think we should spend more time together".

 

OK! those texts were sent the previous night ( when she had a fight and attended the 21st party ) .. straight away i pulled her up about it. woke her up and asked her wtf was going on. She assured me nothing was going on, this is what she wanted, if she wanted that guy she could have had him long ago. I was just really confused, i didnt know wether to beleive her, or throw her out. I beleived her though, because i feel when people are drunk, they speak the truth, and how she was acting was really scared, as if i was going to throw her out and tell her its over, she begged me to come back to bed. she told me that she liked his new haircut, the sexual part was a joke, and that they should spend more time together because he lives close to her and he is often alone and bored. hmmmmmmm!!!!!

 

anyway, the next day she was really moody with me, understandable seeing as i looked through her phone, but i found something that was incredibly suspect, and i dont see why she would get angry if there wasnt something to hide. We had a talk, and i asked to just put it behind us, i beleived her and trusted her, wanted to work at things and i didnt want us to fail blah blah.. the next 2 days were wierd ( sunday + monday ) .. we sat in all day and watched movies on the sunday with friends in my house, and had a really awesome time! monday i took her home and sat with my friends. i get a call asking her to pick me up, because she got offered a start with a company, and was worried her taxi was going to be late. Turned out the company was a pile of crap and she walked out of her shift after 30 mins, the place wasnt professional at all. She called me to tell me all this, and was asking where she could get a bus. it was a horrible night, really stormy, i told her not to be silly, i would pick her up. so i dropped my friends off and picked her up, we got some food, and watched her nephew for the evening until around 8pm when i have to play in my weekly pool league!

 

it was such a great night, after a very wierd surreal day between the both of us. i told her i would text her later and let her know how i done.

i text her but got no reply, so i called her and asked her if something was wrong. she told me she was in bed because she was up early the next day for uni and just wanted some catch up sleep from the weekend. in the back of my mind, i kept thinking something was wrong, and i get things out in the open, and i can tell when something is wrong with her, she said everything was fine, and she assured me that she wanted to be with me, so i asked her to text me tomorrow when she woke up.

 

she text me saying it was the worst sleep of her life, i said i was sorry, and it was mines too, but i had to get it off my chest and speak to her, to which she repied "it could have waited till today". I kept trying to arrange plans with her, but she wouldnt accept them at all. Now this just gets me even more paranoid, because i said "ok, well what about tomorrow" .. and she was even rejecting those, so i ask again wtf is wrong, and she says nothing. i was doing all the usual things like saying "you hate me dont you?" etc etc. she didnt want to speak with me on the phone, she asked me to get her on msn, so i did. the conversation was as dry as it was on the phone. i asked her a question and for over an hour she didnt reply then all of a sudden went offline. no goodnights, nothing. i called her a few times, she didnt answer, noticed she was still loggod on facebook, so spoke to her on that and just asked her what was happening. after a good while speaking i said i wanted to talk some things over with her, and that i wanted to see her the next day, she said that is fine, so i said "listin, if you want a few days to yourself thats fine, we can meet another day" .. but she said no and tomorrow was fine.

 

Came online the next day and said "am i ok to come up now?" .. she said "i dont think we should see eachother any more, so theres not really any point because theres nothing you can say that will change my mind"

 

so i went up, crying all the way, while i was there, and all the way. 3-4 hours of constant crying, it was torture! didnt really get an explanation as to why it ended or anything, tried to talk her round so many times but nothing, i was defeated.

 

That night she went and stayed with the boy she was texting, and was spending alot of time with him. Long story short, a few weeks later, she ended up having sex with him. Just happens to be that one of her good friends really likes this boy, so yeah, you can see where this is going! alot of her friends fell out with her, all that sort of stuff.

 

i dont know what else to type to do with all that, but i was demolished. i felt so betrayed, espeicaly since i know the guy. there was nothing i could do tbh apart from NC and try move on. Feb-18 (feb-16 was breakup) was the last time we spoke, she sent me a text to say she was not pregnant and that was it.

 

However, ive met a girl, i like her, but i dont have the same feelings for her. she really likes me, but ive let her know that im not ready for a relationship and stuff, its too soon and my heads messed. just so happens to be, this girl is the boys ex girlfriend !!!

 

Everything was fine until 2 days ago when i walked into my local pub to play some pool, and who else is there buy my ex girlfriend. first time i seen her since the break up, and i got severe anxiety and was really nervous. My little brother was with her ( no .. i dont know either, but its not the first time they have hung around since our split ).

 

She was getting drunk, it was really really wierd. she was putting songs on the jukebox that relate to us, and we kind of have inside jokes about. i also noticed her paying attention to me when i was playing pool, and saying how bad the other player was (mostly my friends who she knows) when i was beating them, and her sister kept trying to talk to me and get me involved in conversation with them both, but i just couldnt.

 

The wierd thing is, i hit drink hard the week before and was getting really depressed. Nearly calling this new girl my ex's name alot, even though i hadnt been before, then i had a breakdown when sitting alone. crying to myself, reminissing and stuff, and later that day my ex is in the pub, its just soooo f*cking wierd, and then later that night i even had a dream about her. Its messing with my head something stupid, and i havent told the new girl, because she was paranoid about getting close to me because she thinks i will take my ex back if i get the chance, and to be honest, i would if there was changes made, it wouldnt be easy for her to get me back.

 

with what i keep hearing about her recently, and how she is acting, what she is doing, she is feeling lonely and depressed, and no doubt regretting her decision. dont get me wrong, i am REALLY angry with her, and all i want is an apology, but she is too stubborn to give me one, and would never initiate first contact. So i was going to come home from work today and call her, but i have to do it when nobody is around, because if her sister finds out she was talking to me, she will kill her. For some reason, she just doesnt want us to be together, or communicating at all.

 

If i called her, i would just ask her how shes been and what she has been getting up to. Very dry conversation. She was a big part of my life, as i was hers, and its just really hard. When i seen her my heart stopped, and i realised all i wanted was to go back in time and be happy with her and stop all this from happening to the both of us. i know we are both struggling, and can help eachother, and reconcile, but why would i want to after how shes treated me, and why would i even want to break no contact when it was her that dumped me? .. and where does this new girl fit into things? i dont see myself with her in the long run ( atm anyway ) but feel i will have betrayed her if i speak to my ex

 

Furthermore, its my birthday on the 6th, and originally i was going to wait until after it to see if she has made any contact, but im getting a bit nervous now. if she hadnt spoke to me since then, i would maybe wait till the 8th or 9th, but im getting impatient, and shes had a rough few days. all i want is to give her a hug and tell her its going to be alright. thats what she needs, but the idiot is too stubborn and has too much pride to admit she made a mistake! grrrrrrrr!!!! confusing!

 

whatever advice people can give me i would greatly appreciate, because i cant speak to my friends, as word will get out that we're talking(or have spoke) and everything will just become hell!

 

nobody wants me to be happy, they all want me to f*ck her over, which im just not prepared to do, because as much as i hate to admit it, i still love her and couldnt bare to see her in pain, or crying at me doing something to hurt her.

 

i want to be there for her, but at the same time, i cant be a doormat, or an object that can just be picked up and put down whenever SHE likes.

 

again, sorry for the huge post, i felt i had to put more background as to what happened in the breakup as opposed to just talking about seeing her again :|

[geegirl]

"She was a big part of my life, as i was hers, and its just really hard. When i seen her my heart stopped, and i realised all i wanted was to go back in time and be happy with her and stop all this from happening to the both of us. i know we are both struggling, and can help eachother, and reconcile, but why would i want to after how shes treated me, and why would i even want to break no contact when it was her that dumped me?"

 

You love her and care for her but that is not good enough reason to still place yourself in an unhealthy position. After reading your post, you were a doormat. And you allowed it. I can't fault her. You can't be there for her when you yourself are mentally and emotionally unstable. You need to fix yourself first. And you can't help people that don't want help. It is your duty to put yourself first and fix who you are. The fact that you want to stay in such a situation is telling that you need to do some work for yourself too. The only way you can do that is to have no contact with her because any type of contact keeps you attached to this toxicity. And if you keep yourself attached, you are going to stay stuck on this rollercoaster.

 

Who are you reconciling with? The woman that has dumped you more times than you can count. The woman that treated you like a doormat. The woman that was flirting with another guy while in an R with you and then later had sex with him so you have to know it was just more than the text just going on. The woman that lies to you.

 

Are you reconciling because it's the easiest thing to do to make it all better, salve the pain (for now because you know, she's not changed and the reasons you broke up many, many times are going to resurface again)? Are you afraid to go through the pain of getting out of your denial and realizing the reality of what this relationship is? Is she regretting her decision because she truly loves you or just regretting that she has no doormat to lean on and needs someone to fill a spot? Because "LOVE" doesn't treat you this way. You're projecting your definition of what a happy relationship is when the sad truth is that she can't provide you with that. You're trying to will a happy relationship and it won't happen. You two broke up many times for a reason.

[Meve]

I have been NC for just about 6 weeks now. 2 days ago was the first time i seen her.

 

I feel as if shes trying to reach out to me, but without actually saying anythin, maybe im paranoid, but i know her, and know how she acts.

 

She suffers with depression, due to not having a job, her father dying summer last year, her childhood, previous relationships, and her family treating her like crap. I was the one that came along and saved her, and when times were hard i always picked her up.

 

I dont know if im being naive here or not, but i really do beleive she loves me and is regretting her choice. When we got back together, her sister was giving her absolute hell, spreading rumours to her family and generally just being an a**hole to her, but now im out the picture, its all fun and games again .. i hate it!

 

I know she will talk to me at some point, as she owes me £100 and said she will call me when she has the money, but im beginning to get impatient.

 

Also, i know i said i didnt want to hurt her, but previous times she broke up with me and slept with people, it hurt me so much, ive never done anything like this, and now just the other week, this is the first girl ive slept with in 4 years. She found out, and although i didnt do it to hurt her, i know she is hurting, and i am kind of glad, because of how much she hurt me.

 

I just want some kind of closure to everything, it actually makes me angry when i think about it. Was she lying to me in those 2 weeks? When she baited me in about all this stuff she felt we had a bond that couldnt be broke, and she's always loved me? .. its only recently ive looked back and said to myself "if she lied, then she is a damn good liar".

 

i honestly beleive if you love someone enough, then you can forgive them no matter what.. but i dont know if i could forgive her! ... and what does it matter, i havent even had an apology yet!

[Fufu]

If you feels that she's reaching out, you can do either a or b

 

a) Ask her the ultimatum question,

"Do you want to be with me again?" "Do you want to work things out?"

 

or

 

b) Remain NC

 

You don't want to be in a situation where you keep wondering and thinking what she's feeling and thinking, it's very unhealthy for your well being.

 

Personally, I will suggest you to go with b.

 

Again, why are you needing her apology? You don't need to, if you let yourself down and be unhappy, then you are truly sorry to yourself and you owe yourself an apology.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Fufu

[geegirl]

Personally, NC is what I would do.

 

She may be reaching out to you and giving signals and what not but the question is, what about this relationship would want you to go back? Who cares whether she is trying to reach out. I don't care about her intentions. The bigger picture is, what about this is healthy for you.

 

When times were hard you saved her. And she repaid you by breaking up with you many, many times and being with other men. She repaid you by treating you like a doormat. She repaid you by lying. If this is "love", keep it away from me! She may "love" you and regretting her choice but if this is the way she "loves" you than I'm pretty sure that when and if you go back, you're probably going to get the same type of love again. Unless she finds help and does some work on herself.

 

Forgiving a person doesn't have to mean that you have to go back to them again.

 

Why would you question if she is a liar? If you didn't find that text, what do you think would have happened behind your back? So who knows whether she meant what she said at the time. Just words. Actions are what matter. Her actions are good enough to show you that lying comes with the territory.

[Meve]

I will stick with NC for now, but i keep seeing her all over facebook, and hearing about how she is getting drunk all the time, and i know its to get over the pain of what shes done. I've never went this long without initiating contact with her, and hearing about how im spending time with another girl will probably make her sick.

 

I play different scenarios in my head, if she spoke to me, what would i say? .. But i know thats stupid, because i cant keep hanging on for that day!

 

I cant bare to stand back and watch her go through depression and heavy drinking/drugs, but at the same time, why should i even care? She's nothing to do with me anymore!!

 

I think i will wait another week or so, and depending on her behaviour/actions, then i will speak with her.

 

I dont expect anything from her at all, espeically an apology, but it would definatly help me, and i would just like for her to sit down, and tell me why she done what she did.

 

If she truely wanted to be with me, and admitted it to me, then im not going to just take her in this time with open arms, she's going to have to prove that she wants it, and it wont be easy!

 

Maybe this is stupid of me, but im not completly giving up on her. I guess what will be, will be!

 

Just trying to get on with life, and i was, until i saw her in the pub. I thought i was getting better, but seeing her just opened up a whole new level of emotions

[geegirl]

And I think you are impatient about the money because that's a reason to break contact. And you really want to hear from her. It's not about the money, maybe a little

[Meve]

well thats true geegirl, il admit that, but in a way its because i dont want any ties either! plus i need the cash! haha

 

It confused me though, because she has been getting stupidly since it happened, and she could be putting a little bit to the side every time she earns some money, so eventually she will have it all and just break ties with me, but she isnt.

 

Call me paranoid, but i think she is using that for the day shes ready to speak to me, because she could have gave me it a long time ago.

[geegirl]

Why are you looking at her FB?

 

RULE NO. 1: NC means no FB, no email, no text, no call, no smoke signal, no pigeon carrier...no nothing. Block her from everything. And why do you feel the need to examine her reasons for drinking? Maybe she is drinking because she wants to party and have a good time. That type of thinking, rationalizing and fantasizing will keep you stuck and hoping. If you are spending time with this new girl to make this other one jealous, please don't hurt someone else because you have an agenda. Even if you are half heartedly with her, it only serves to hurt her and you are short changing someone who may clearly like you more than you care to feel right now.

 

You can't help people who don't want to help themselves. It would be different if she came to you and said she wants to seek treatment. But she is not. If you can't bare to stand and watch, "BLOCK FB".

 

Wait for a week and speak to her? Why? NC is supposed to heal you. Not make you go back and feel pain again. You want so badly to get the response you want and need to soothe your pain. She is what is causing you pain. And you are going to go back for more. Dude, she treated you like a doormat. Why don't you just lay down for her and let her wipe her feet on you. I'm sorry, but if you are planning to go back a week later to talk to her, you are teaching her how to treat you.

 

So if you are not expecting an apology, then what are you expecting? If she wanted to tell you why she did what she did, she would have told you a long time ago. And don't expect an apology from her. What would it mean from someone who was emotionally cheating behind your back?

 

I hope you get the answers you need in a week. You are so afraid to face the truth that you would rather go back to someone who has dumped you numerous times and done some ****ty stuff to you. All for the sake of love. A healthy relationship and a loving one at that requires so much more than just love...and from both people involved.

[Meve]

I deleted her from facebook the next day. Her sister commented on the guy's page saying "i heard you and xx had a great time last night, sitting up watching movies all night ;)" .. or something like that, and as soon as i seen it, i deleted her, and deleted all the texts in my phone from/to her, and her numbers also.

 

I see her all over facebook because she is always liking the same statuses as me and commenting on some of the same ones. Plus we have alot of the same mutual friends. It annoys me when i go to someones page to leave them something and her face pops up already there takling to them.

 

Im not with the other girl to make my ex jealous. If she gets jealous, then thats her problem, shes the one that doesnt/didnt want me. Spending time with this girl has helped me quite a bit, and we have both came clean with eachother, told eachother our intentions. I do like her, but i just dont feel that "click" just yet, and i think its because im still grieving and in the healing process.

 

I hate to admit it, but my ex still means alot to me, and even if we never speak again, i think il always have that special place for her in my heart, i just keep questioning myself "Why would you want anything to do with someone that treated you so badly?" .. and its because ( beleive it or not ) the good outweighed the bad, but i know what your saying, its a vicious cycle! If we get back, whats to stop her doing it again?

 

It's just really hard to let go

 

Even in the pub the other day, my ex and her sister were trying to talk to me and have fun, and her sisters boyfriend ( who is a close friend of mine ) pulled her to the side and told her to stop making things awkward, to which she replied "their both adults, it doesnt have to be like this" .. so when we were outside and he was telling me i got really angry and said "if she treated me like an adult in the first place, then maybe things wouldnt be like this. sorry but i find it hard to have fun and joke around with someone who totally f*cked me over!" .. but then other times her sister is telling me to go out and sleep with everyone, telling me her sister is a fool, and then telling my friends my ex is depressed and im not helping her?

 

It upsets and confuses me, because her sister was a good friend of mine before me and my ex even met, and i feel a bit betrayed by her, espeically after her relationship broke down, and i lent a helping hand in then fixing things and reconciling