yolatanga Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Uggh, someone kick me. I'm still not healed. I woke up this morning in tears. It's almost 7 mos. since our horrific break up. I've barely gone out. I've not met anyone nor do I want to. Uggh! Part of me doesn't want him back but the other part can't let go after 8 yrs together. Now he sends me e-mails trying to be nice. I waited 4 days to open the one I got this week. It set me back. He wanted to know about my health and my job search, which isn't going very well. Like an idiot I answered and I get no response. What's the point? I hate this e-mail game. Why can't this man just pick up the phone? Anyway, why do I still miss this man? He doesn't miss me. I don't even know why he cares. He's off having a good time without me. While I sit around depressed. Therapy isn't helping. I need to snap out of it.
SingVoice Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 STOP responding to his emails. Don't even read them. Seriously. That's why you can't let go. Do you have a good network of friends? I found that when I was having a tough time...I called a friend. That made a huge difference. If you don't have a network....then you should make that your goal. Sorry you are having a tough time. But again...stick with the NC. And don't read his emails! He dumped you...he doesn't deserve to know what's going on in your life.
smudge21 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Sounds like you've never yet moved on if you two are still in contact. I too thought I was NC with my ex but with her still on my Facebook I was still very much involved in her life. I had to delete that one last bit of contact before I could truly begin NC for real. You need to do the same before you can expect to begin healing.
Movingthrough Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 STOP responding to his emails. Don't even read them. Seriously. That's why you can't let go. Yeah that is the reason you cant let go, because he is always there in some way, even if it is just email. The reason why ex's message and don't respond or take forever to respond is because they don't want to give you the "hint" that they want you back. So i know your thinking well why message in the first place? They are human and they still do care, but they don't look at you in the same way as a romantic partner, so if they respond real quick or at all, they risk you thinking its back on, which they don't want. Your brain will forget over time but only if that person isn't in your life, so the emails need to stop. As far as the whole "he doesn't care about me" stuff, stop being so hard on yourself. He does care but you guys are broken up which means that is not going to happen right now. This whole negative "they have moved on and don't like me" stuff is not going to help you, they had a problem with the relationship, they moved on, thats why its looks easy for them. Also, stop looking at it in terms of time. I did that for months, then literally one week i rarely thought of my ex, it was like she lost her spot in my head. From what i have seen, its either another person or just changes in your life that make you move on. I'm really doing a lot for myself that i like to do, its all about focus's, if you have another one your brain will kick the old one out. This is going to sound weird, but the first real hill i got over as far as caring about my ex was when i got sick, i had the flu or something for a few days and it was like i didn't have the mental power to concentrate on her so i knew what it felt like to not have her on my mind all the time. When i got better i just remember thinking "ehhh who cares". I know thats kind of weird but i have always preached focus's on here, thats why when the ex meets someone, then it fails, they always come running back. Nowadays we don't deal with our problems we just move to the next one. So use this time to NOT be like that.
geegirl Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 First of all, block his emails. You waited 4 days to open the email because you knew it was goingt to set you back but you still opened it. You have to help yourself. Do you have friends? You said you have barely gone out. I can only assume that you stay secluded because you are pining. Works against your healing process. You have a huge void in your life right now. You are feeding it by sitting around and wallowing. Why isn't therapy working? Maybe you don't have the right therapist. But, you also can't expect to just sit there for one hour, talk to your therapist and hope that everything will go away. You have to do the work. And the work is little things like blocking all communication, making conscious efforts to retrain your mind to focus your thoughts on you and not him and the breakup, getting yourself active -- if you are pining at home, force yourself to get up and go for a walk, a drive, go to the park and read a book, go to a movie, etc., going out and making friends (try meetup.com, it's working great for me in finding friends and finding activities to do), every night you sit and plan the day ahead of you, especially weekends because you have all that time on your hands and that idle time is the devil and this will help you stay busy and focused on your tasks and your priorities, go to the gym and start exercising and maybe start a fitness goal, maybe try and find a cause that you are passionate about and volunteer and most times it helps you gain perspective about life. You have to help yourself. Stop questioning his actions. It's about time you start questioning your actions and how they are deterring you from moving on. What have you been doing for yourself?
Fufu Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Unless you want to remain sad and depressed, please seek NC immediately. You are letting yourself to be fed by his breadcrumbs. Purpose of NC is for yourself only. - Do not initiate any contacts with him - Do not responding to his e-mails, messages, phone calls - Do not find out what he is doing Which means, delete his number and if you have facebook, delete him from your facebook. And I like geegirl's suggestion, block his emails. You need to help yourself, and you have pay too much attention on him. Now, pay attention to yourself. You can do it.
Author yolatanga Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 Thanks everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your feedback. I have a lot of friends. I just haven't been socializing as much lately due to lack of funds. I was out a lot for the first 4 mos. of us breaking up. Sitting at home is recent thing. I moved so I've been getting my new place together..etc. I need to be more busy that's for sure. Thankfully he's not on fb and he never calls me. He avoids me like the plaque actually which is torture for me. It makes me feel like I'm some bad person he can't face even though it's him being a coward. If you can't be in the same room with me why would you care about me. I'm having a hard time grasping that concept. I know I have to block him. Must be an ego thing. I hate that he's moved on so easily while I still pine in hopes he'll come back even though most of me doesn't want him back. Yes, crazy I know...
Author yolatanga Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Well I did it. I cut off all contact. I know my self worth and accepting crumbs to make himself feel better is no longer an option. It's time to move on like he has.
geegirl Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Well I did it. I cut off all contact. I know my self worth and accepting crumbs to make himself feel better is no longer an option. It's time to move on like he has. Once you get that type of acceptance and you are damn sure that you deserve more and that you come first, isn't it a great feeling!? And if he tries to worm himself in, you will be strong to reject his communication because you won't want anything or anyone derailing you from your goal to move on and heal. We're both on the same journey. Good luck to you!
Sake Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 wow 8 years? I'm just starting to let go after 9 months and we've dated for 3 years...it takes time...cut off all contact and give it time, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Author yolatanga Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Thanks. It feels ok. I let him know in a nice way that I am moving on and sticking to NC. I will no longer accept this wishy washy cowardly e-mail games. I wished him good luck. Why would I want anything to do with a person who doesn't respect me enough to say hell in public? He leaves instead like I'm some worthless piece of crap. He was the one that ruined the 8 yr relationship, not me. He still won't face me even though he sends me e-mails and does nice things for me in the back ground. I know I shouldn't have written him, but I needed to take my power and self esteem back. I kept it cordial and very brief. I had just had enough of crying and wasting precious time on a man who is not worthy of me. Wish I'd done it sooner. Good luck in your journey too.
Author yolatanga Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I found this helpful site on NC and regaining your power back. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/get-out-of-stuck-getting-back-your-power-back-in-out-of-relationships/
Author yolatanga Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 wow 8 years? I'm just starting to let go after 9 months and we've dated for 3 years...it takes time...cut off all contact and give it time, Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm still grieving big time. I cried all day Saturday. It hit me we are done (which is what it is supposed to be, he was emotionally abusive) and I deserve to be treated with respect and be happy. It's a day to day process. Even though we still a have loose ends to tie up, I put him block. Good luck with your healing.
Jerrica Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 hey there, just wanted to comment about you barely going out and staying home and pining. I know how you feel....I did this for DAYS....your therapist can help to an extent but she CANNOT make you get up and do things with your day. Honestly, you won't feel like it, but you have to force yourself to do things. Even just a walk or reading a book, or cooking with friends. You won't want to, but as you force yourself to do these things you will start to enjoy it, at least somewhat. It's hard, I know I can only take so much in a day and I sometimes go home and cry after. But at least I got out and did SOMETHING. Try to take some baby steps to moving on without overwhelming yourself, and of course still take time to cry and grieve. There is no timeline for healing.
Author yolatanga Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 TGIF! It's been over a week since I stood my ground and blocked him. Today I wonder what he thinks about that. Why do I care?
Denillad Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Cause I think we want to know there care by contacting us. You will have to let it go, it may not be easy but trust me if u make the necessary changes it will happen. Good luck
Author yolatanga Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Had a tad of a set back last night. I handled well or at least I hope I did. I was out with friends at my hang out and he came in. He stood right next to me and I could tell he was looking at me up and down. This is the first time he stayed. Normally he would either see my car, run like hell or if I come in, he would walk out a.s.a.p. Thank God I was all dressed up and my hair looked good..LOL I could not look at him. I didn't say boo to him either. I stayed there talking to others and finally I walked away. I went down to the ladies room to breathe. When I came back up and was laughing with my friends, which was good. I finally looked at him while he wasn't paying attention. He looks like crap. He looked all bloated and unkept. His hair was way too long, which is a horrible look for him. It's not like he can't afford a hair cut. He ran out of there soon after. I woke up this a.m. missing him and wondering if he misses me. Oh well, he is on e-mail block. If he missed me enough, he'd call. I'm just glad I took my control back.
hoping2heal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 yola, if your partner was in fact emotionally abusive, then you must be no stranger to hurt feelings and bad feelings. Also you were with him for 8 years. You may be choosing to hang on because this is what you are used too. A rs with an emotional abuser has its highs, but mostly has its lows. After 8 years I can understand how you might be struggling to find your place and what to feel. You could be feeling liberated, good about yourself and who you are but instead you sit at home and depricate yourself. You talk about how he does not miss you, how he does not care about you. Why..for what. You dont HAVE to feel bad any longer. You are free, and although you need to heal from this RS, when you finally move on you are free to find a rs that is not emotionally abusive. Someone that makes you feel loved and doted on and cared for, and it is consistent and stable, instead of always being on the ledge. This man only knows how to hurt you it seems from his actions, there is a whole other side of love and relationships out there with men who make you feel good, and happy and secure and that is the norm. It must feel scary to open yourself up to feelings of happiness and good feelings after what you must have been through for so long, but you can take baby steps. You can let go of this stage of your life and you can find something else that is familiar, besides pain.
singer24 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 NO CONTACT. That is what you desperately need even though you probably think you will go insane without it. The reason you are still missing him and not over it 7 months later? Because you still have contact with him. Trust me, i'm not a heartless person. I am all keeping an ex in your life as a friend or aquaintance especially when you had something so special with them. BUT you need to give yourself time before that can happen. You are going in circles at the moment. It is totally normal to not be over him yet, because you just simply can't if you keep communicating with him, even if it's just emails it's very detrimental!!!!!! My advice: be honest with this guy. Tell him you are not over him yet and that in the future you want to be friends with him and that YOU will reach out to him when you're ready. Tell him to please respect your space and to not contact you until you do. It sounds mean because the guy does probably still care about you which is the reason he is writing asking you how you are, but he WILL understand and chances are he will respect your decision and stop contacting you and leave you the time to get over him. Unless he's a self centered ass who needs your attention to fill his own insecurity... NO CONTACT. and when i say NC i mean nothing. Delete him from fb, no emails, no calling. He'll get it and he'll know you are just looking out for yourself and not doing it to be mean.
Beeotch Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Uggh, someone kick me. I'm still not healed. I woke up this morning in tears. It's almost 7 mos. since our horrific break up. I've barely gone out. I've not met anyone nor do I want to. Uggh! Part of me doesn't want him back but the other part can't let go after 8 yrs together. Now he sends me e-mails trying to be nice. I waited 4 days to open the one I got this week. It set me back. He wanted to know about my health and my job search, which isn't going very well. Like an idiot I answered and I get no response. What's the point? I hate this e-mail game. Why can't this man just pick up the phone? Anyway, why do I still miss this man? He doesn't miss me. I don't even know why he cares. He's off having a good time without me. While I sit around depressed. Therapy isn't helping. I need to snap out of it. It took me 1 year and 10 months to completely get over my ex whom I dated for 4 months and to genuinely start liking someone else where it wasn't a distraction or constant comparison. With that said, you dated this man for 8 years, so in 7 months...you are not abnormal for not being fully healed. It also doesn't matter the time period, there is no rule to say it should take X time based on how long or short you dated. It really all depends on so many other things. Point is: you will eventually get there 7 months down is 7 months you don't have to do over. Stop playing that email game with your ex. Maybe in the future when you're over him you can keep in touch, that way even if he doesn't respond you won't be bothered but while you aren't over it, complete NC would be my advice so that you can fully heal.
Author yolatanga Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks ladies. I've been doing well by cutting off the e-mail game. It was making me feel worthless. I deserve more than crumbs. I blocked him after telling him goodbye in a nice way. Last night I was meeting my friends as usual and he pulled in right behind me. He saw me get out of my car and he pulled away. I laughed and waved..LOL Seriously what a child. He was the abuser, the dumper, cut me off and he is acting like I did something to him. I've never had an ex act this way. The night before he could stand next to me and the next drive away by the sight of me? WTH!! What is that? You could be nice to me an e-mail, send me money, get my car fixed, ask if my health is good, but you can't face me? I don't understand it. So like an idiot I got so mad and sent him a note that he wanted me out of his life and I am, but if you can't handle seeing me don't go to where I go. Told him to grow a set and grow the heck up. I'm ashamed of him. 61 yr old coward.
Recommended Posts